《Sleeping Scholar of the Forest》 CH 1 Sleeping Scholar of the Forest The summoning ring of the telephone echoed through the room. To Shuuji Shiraishi¡¯s1 dulled mind, the noise sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away. Which would be why he didn¡¯t react. But when his answering machine switched on, and the mechanical message began in a woman¡¯s voice, he was finally pulled back to reality. ¡®This is Mori from Takara Publishing. Thanks for all your help.¡¯ Mori must have figured he wasn¡¯t home, and started to leave a message, and it was Shuuji¡¯s body, rather than his mind, that reacted to her voice. He picked up the receiver. ¡°My apologies. This is Shiraishi.¡± ¡°Ah, you are home. Were you asleep?¡± Mori asked in a good humored tone. ¡°No, I wasn¡¯t asleep.¡± ¡°Good then. I wanted to talk about your next job.¡± With Mori, even small talk moved quickly on to work topics. Shuuji was a book designer, and Mori was the editor-in-charge at one of his publisher clients. Shuuji had been with Mori since just about the time he¡¯d started in this line of work, and it was no exaggeration to say that she was the one who¡¯d made him into a one-stop book designer. That was why, even though it¡¯d been six years since he¡¯d become a designer, he still couldn¡¯t say no to Mori. ¡°That front cover the other day went over really well, Shiraishi, did you hear?¡± Mori launched into the conversation all on her own, but she must have noticed Shuuji¡¯s lack of response, and asked her question to double check. ¡°Sorry, my head isn¡¯t really working¡­¡± Shuuji answered honestly. Usually, his mind switched over the second he started talking to Mori, but today, although he could hear Mori¡¯s voice, none of what she was actually saying was making it into his brain. ¡°¡®Is something wrong?¡± Mori asked. Shuuji¡¯s mumbling and his weird tone of voice must have made her wonder if he wasn¡¯t feeling well. ¡°Uh, yeah, yes, I do have a bit of a fever.¡± He hadn¡¯t even checked his temperature, but he couldn¡¯t tell her the real reason, so he went along with her suspicions. ¡°So you weren¡¯t sleeping, you were just staring off into space, huh. Maybe we should leave shop talk for next time then.¡± ¡°If you wouldn¡¯t mind, that would help.¡± ¡°I understand. I¡¯m not in any rush myself, so how about Wednesday, two days from now?¡± she asked, and Shuuji¡¯s eyes reflexively found his wall calendar. Shuuji knew it was the fourteenth day of the month, but he had no clue what the Wednesday two days from now would be. ¡°Today¡­ What day is it?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t even know what day it is? You are sick, huh,¡± Mori said, dumbstruck. ¡°Today¡¯s the fourteenth of July, so two days from now will be the sixteenth,¡± she told him, in easy to digest specifics. ¡°Ah, okay. That¡¯s fine then.¡± Having been told the date in concrete terms, Shuuji¡¯s dazed mind finally came to grips with it. ¡°For today, you get some rest, and get better quickly please.¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C The vacation house was in Okutama,4 about a two hour drive from the heart of Tokyo. Before, Koutarou would pick him up in the car on Friday night, and then drop him off at his apartment on the way to work Monday morning. But that day last week, Shuuji had stayed behind in the vacation house. He¡¯d been working on some stuff with a looming deadline that morning, and he wasn¡¯t going to finish it in time if he left with Koutarou. If that day had been like normal, if he¡¯d been able to finish his work a little faster, maybe Koutarou wouldn¡¯t have gotten in that accident. Shuuji¡¯s regrets pained him. Shuuji had a license, but he didn¡¯t own a car, so first he stopped to rent one, and then he headed for Koutarou¡¯s condo on his own. He knew Koutarou wouldn¡¯t be there, of course, but he wanted to see that place too, one last time. He arrived at the condo, and parked the car on the street. He¡¯d intended only to look from the car window, but when he saw the building, his body naturally got out of the car. ¨C ¨C ¨C Thanks to his detour, the sun had entirely set by the time Shuuji arrived at the vacation house. He opened the door with the key he hadn¡¯t quite been able to let go of, and an unfamiliar, chilly air washed over him. It¡¯d only been a week since he¡¯d been here, so that wasn¡¯t any different than usual, but Koutarou was gone now, and today was the only day this place had ever felt so bleak. Bearing up under the loneliness that collected inside him, Shuuji headed for the stairs to the second floor. Originally, this vacation house had been an ordinary two-story building. After he¡¯d purchased it, Koutarou had made the first floor into a lab and storeroom, and had remodeled the second floor into private living space. Shuuji never stopped on the first floor, he only ever passed through it on his way to the second floor. CH 2 Shuuji dreamed of happy times as Koutarou¡¯s aroma wafted over him and enveloped him with familiar sensations. It was nothing but the usual daily dream of eating together, and chatting with each other, but even so, it was happy. ¨C ¨C ¨C The first time he¡¯d met Koutarou was in high school. Back then, they were never in the same class, they never even said hello to each other. But that all changed six years ago, when they were unexpectedly reunited. Shuuji was already working as a book designer, and was attending a party put on by a publisher that was a client of his. He¡¯d been told by his editor that he needed to have a wider network if he wanted to get more jobs, and although he had in fact managed to show up to the bright, bustling party, he¡¯d never been very good with places like this, and so naturally, he ended up as a wallflower. Koutarou had been there too, standing by himself just like Shuuji. Shuuji had realized immediately that it was Koutarou, the boy he¡¯d gone to school with. Koutarou had been the most well-known person in the school back then. His good looks were a factor in him catching peoples¡¯ eyes, but even more than that, the fact that his brains towered over everyone else lifted Koutarou above his surroundings. Shuuji on the other hand, had been a very ordinary high school student, the type you could find anywhere. Which was why he intended to pretend not to notice that Koutarou probably had no idea who he was. But the instant he¡¯d seen Shuuji, Koutarou had rushed over. ¨C ¨C ¨C It had been six years already since that day, but even now, he remembered it vividly. It hadn¡¯t taken long at all for the two of them to get close. Probably because they were similar, somehow. Shuuji had never been able to tell anyone what he was really thinking, because he was keeping his true self hidden, and Koutarou was such a genius, his whole existence floated above everyone else. Even Shuuji¡¯s family had been distant. He¡¯d felt like he was alone no matter where he was, and so Shuuji had confessed to his parents that he was gay, that he wanted help. But rather than accept him, they took him to a psychiatric department and then cut off all communication. But after hearing Koutarou¡¯s story, he couldn¡¯t help but think he¡¯d lead a charmed life. From the time he¡¯d gained awareness, Koutarou had been raised with almost no contact with his parents. At an age when the children around him could barely read hiragana, he was reading and writing kanji, but his parents seemed more creeped out by their son¡¯s genius than excited about his future. When Koutarou had smiled and said he hadn¡¯t really had any way of playing with the kids around him, and so he would just read challenging books, Shuuji had almost started crying. The conversation he¡¯d had with Koutarou¡¯s colleague before, when he¡¯d gone to the condo, had confirmed that Koutarou hadn¡¯t been exaggerating even a bit. Their child had died, and yet they¡¯d left everything to the apartment manager. They hadn¡¯t even bothered to see for themselves how he¡¯d lived. They met face to face only once, at the hospital, and Shuuji realized now that they¡¯d been expressionless not because they were in shock, but because they truly had no feelings on the matter. Koutarou had never lamented his situation or anything, but somewhere deep in his heart, he had to have been lonely. Which was why they¡¯d started meeting so often, like they were trying to fill the holes in each other¡¯s hearts. The first few times, it was just having dinner out at a restaurant somewhere, but they switched over to meeting at each other¡¯s homes almost immediately. That way, they could stay together longer, and not worry about the time. Koutarou did blurt out some surprising things, but as they got closer, Shuuji realized that it was just his actual personality. Koutarou had been on his own since high school, his expression always calm, so he¡¯d wondered if maybe he just wasn¡¯t interested in other people. But that wasn¡¯t the case, it was just that his range of interest was extremely narrow. His parents were so composed as to be neglectful, and he¡¯d had no relationship with them, but Shuuji¡¯s smile had tugged at his heart, so maybe their reunion had been fate. ¡°I don¡¯t want to lie to you, Koutarou, so I¡¯m going to just tell you directly, but¡­ I¨C I¡¯m gay.¡± Soon after they¡¯d started going over each other¡¯s houses, Shuuji confessed a secret he¡¯d never shared with anyone outside of his parents before. Koutarou had helped him really notice his loneliness for the first time, and he didn¡¯t want to hide anything from him. He¡¯d announced it in as light a tone as he could manage, like it was nothing much at all, but he was so uneasy wondering what Koutarou would think that his voice shook. He couldn¡¯t even meet Koutarou¡¯s eyes, and ended up looking straight down. Koutarou responded with actions rather than words. Sitting on the sofa next to him, Koutarou abruptly hugged him round the shoulders. ¡°So, is this alright then?¡± ¡°Koutarou¡­¡± Shuuji was so surprised he couldn¡¯t understand what Koutarou¡¯s behavior meant, and all he could do was mutter Koutarou¡¯s name. ¡°I¡¯ve never really even thought about my own sexuality before, but I figured if you¡¯re gay, maybe it would be alright if I touch your body, to get to know you better, Shuuji, you know?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t push yourself, Koutarou, you¡¯re not gay, after all¡­¡± ¡°I became gay, starting today.¡± Koutarou grinned and pulled him close, and Shuuji quietly shut his eyes. That was the day they exchanged their first kiss. From that day on, they began a secret relationship, known only to the two of them, but Shuuji was happy. Koutarou had only to be by his side, and the loneliness he¡¯d always felt simply disappeared. But the accident had spelled the end of those happy days. And what was more, Shuuji hadn¡¯t found out about it until more than a day after it had happened. Koutarou had said he¡¯d drop by Shuuji¡¯s house when he was done with work, and it was the first time he hadn¡¯t come and also hadn¡¯t called. Even so, Shuuji waited a whole day before calling Koutarou¡¯s cell phone, and then it had been Koutarou¡¯s mother, rather than Koutarou himself, who¡¯d answered and told him about the accident. No matter how many years they¡¯d been going out, their relationship was secret ¨C he was never going to get a call from the hospital. He rushed over the moment he heard Koutarou was in critical condition, but he wasn¡¯t family, so he hadn¡¯t been allowed into the ICU. Shuuji had never realized it when he was happy, but reality had been shoved in his face now, and he had no choice but to go home without even being able to see Koutarou¡¯s face. News of his death arrived the following day. Koutarou¡¯s mother informed him that Koutarou had passed away the previous day, the day Shuuji had visited, without ever regaining consciousness. CH 3 He¡¯d managed to get his alone time, but in the end, all he¡¯d done was look back over his memories of Koutarou. He still didn¡¯t have any clear answers, all that had happened was that time had passed. When he checked the bedside clock, it was almost noon. ¨C ¨C ¨C ¡°Let me make some coffee.¡± When they got up to the second floor, it wasn¡¯t the living room that Shuuji headed for, but the kitchen. He¡¯d been the one to invite the clone upstairs, but he still didn¡¯t have any idea what he was supposed to say, or what kind of attitude he should adopt. The coffee was just an excuse to buy time. The clone meekly accepted it, and took a seat on the sofa in the living room. The only thing Shuuji could see from the kitchen was his shoulders and the back of his head, and the fact that the clone didn¡¯t seem to have noticed Shuuji¡¯s stare made him feel a bit better. Standing in front of the coffee maker he¡¯d used so often, his hands moved on their own. After setting up the coffee grounds, he prepared two cups, and then got the sugar and the milk from the fridge. Koutarou preferred to add a little sugar and milk, rather than take it black. His hands moved of their own accord, adding them to the finished coffee. ¡°Smells good. If it¡¯s done, I can carry it over.¡± Completely unaware of Shuuji¡¯s internal turmoil, the clone turned from his place on the sofa and offered his help in an easy tone. ¡°No, I¡¯ve got it,¡± Shuuji responded hastily, forcing a smile onto his face, and then carried the coffee over to the clone, a mug in each hand. If he approached the clone, rather than the other way around, he¡¯d have a little more time to prepare himself. ¡°Thanks, as always.¡± Koutarou never failed to say thank you to Shuuji, even over the most trivial things. And the clone said it too, just as naturally, as he accepted the cup. Beside the clone was empty space for Shuuji to sit. Usually they¡¯d sit right next to each other, so close that they would touch, but now for some reason, he couldn¡¯t do it. Still though, leaning too far towards the end of the sofa might be interpreted as him disliking the clone entirely, so he took a seat with just a little distance between them. He brought the steaming cup to his mouth and poured a mouthful of coffee down his throat in an effort to calm himself down. Shuuji was the one who¡¯d said he¡¯d call once he¡¯d calmed down. Now he¡¯d invited the clone up to the second floor, and there was no reason for them not to reopen their interrupted conversation. ¡°Can I ask something?¡± ¡°Of course, anything.¡± The clone smiled, apparently happy that Shuuji had been the one to start the conversation. ¡°What originally made you think you wanted to create a clone?¡¡And why one of yourself?¡± Shuuji couldn¡¯t understand it. The clone had said he¡¯d wanted proof of his hypothesis, but it seemed like a big risk to take on just for one researcher¡¯s theory. ¡°Look at how thin you¡¯ve gotten¡­¡± The clone stared fixedly at Shuuji¡¯s face, and muttered something that didn¡¯t have anything to do with the question. He sounded like he was in pain. ¡°Nevermind that, listen to what I said¡­¡± CH 4 The next morning, Shuuji arrived at the vacation house before noon. At first, he figured he¡¯d meet Koutarou for lunch, but then he got worried that Koutarou had probably skipped breakfast. The clone didn¡¯t have anything to occupy himself with anymore, and Shuuji was concerned about how he would spend his time, in that house all by himself. ¨C ¨C ¨C In the six years they¡¯d been going out, he¡¯d never once made a meal with Koutarou. Shuuji had been cooking for himself since he first lived on his own, and there wasn¡¯t much difference between one person¡¯s portion and two, so he hadn¡¯t had any help before, not even in washing the dishes. ¡°We¡¯ll start with how to use the rice cooker.¡± ¡°We should start from the basics,¡± the clone said, apparently enjoying himself, watching from a little bit away while Shuuji stood at his usual place in the kitchen. Shuuji taught him how to cook, one step after another, and the clone had such an outstanding mind that he understood everything immediately with a single explanation. It was just that he¡¯d never had any interest in it before. Once he learned the basics, he¡¯d probably be able to make most anything straight off. ¡°There¡¯s so much detailed work that goes into a meal,¡± the clone muttered appreciatively, watching Shuuji work with a kitchen knife. He¡¯d been taking care of a mackerel, and was just getting to mincing it. ¡°You don¡¯t have to remember everything. Once you learn what I¡¯m teaching, you can try just some of the more simple dishes¡­¡± It wasn¡¯t like the clone could just saunter out to the store, so after Shuuji was gone, he¡¯d lose all opportunity to get ahold of raw ingredients. Given that, learning how to cook with dry goods, things that could be stored long term, would serve him better. ¡°You make it because you like me, don¡¯t you?¡± the clone said, apparently already knowing that he was correct, and Shuuji nodded. Koutarou had never been a picky eater. He¡¯d say anything was delicious, but Shuuji had learned his favorites over time, thanks to the way his expression changed when he tasted something he particularly liked. His separation from Koutarou had been too sudden, and he hadn¡¯t been able to do anything for him. So he wanted to do whatever he could for his clone at least. Shuuji was amazed at his own ability to make whatever selfish excuses he pleased, all while repeating that the clone wasn¡¯t the same as Koutarou. ¡°You¡¯re really skilled at this Shuuji.¡± Seeing Shuuji proceed through the cooking with such familiar motions despite being lost in his thoughts, the clone continued to be impressed. ¡°It¡¯s a bit of an exaggeration to call this skilled. What about the mothers out there who make meals for their entire family every single day?¡± ¡°Geniuses maybe?¡± the clone answered, his face quite serious indeed. Shuuji burst out laughing. People who could do things he couldn¡¯t were skilled geniuses, apparently. The clone¡¯s thought process ¨C exactly like Koutarou¡¯s ¨C was fundamentally simple. Shuuji¡¯s hands didn¡¯t stop even as they spoke, and he was almost done with making lunch. The menu was pork miso with minced mackerel, and white rice with a garnish of lightly pickled cabbage. ¡°And I was going to put a dash of cayenne on here too, but¡­¡± Shuuji looked over at the spice rack, but couldn¡¯t find the small jar that should have been there. Now that he thought about it, he had a hunch he¡¯d left it on the dining room table last week when they had udon for lunch. He looked over, and sure enough, it was lined up with the other small jars of salt and stuff. ¡°Sorry, Koutarou, grab that for me?¡± Shuuji said to the clone in his usual tone, pointing to the jar. He¡¯d done it countless times before, there was nothing special about his behavior. So he¡¯d ended up naturally using Koutarou¡¯s name. But from the very first instant he¡¯d seen the clone, Shuuji had decided he would never call him Koutarou. The only person Shuuji would call by that name was the Koutarou who was no longer in this world. Bewildered by his own behavior, Shuuji¡¯s expression stiffened, and he stopped moving. But the clone didn¡¯t seem to notice anything. ¡°Sure, here you go,¡± he said, reaching over to the table, picking up the jar, and handing it to Shuuji. ¡°Okay then, once I¡¯m finished, I¡¯ll take it over.¡± And then he completed the meal like nothing had happened, put it on a couple of plates, and started to carry them over to the dining table. Honestly, he probably had noticed it. Koutarou wasn¡¯t interested in how other people felt, but with Shuuji, it was different. He was always looking at Shuuji, he never missed anything, no matter how subtle. Even so, if Shuuji didn¡¯t bring it up, Koutarou would be apprehensive to point it out himself. ¨C ¨C ¨C Starting the following morning, Shuuji started taking the train to the vacation house instead of a car. A rental car was fine for a few times, but if he was going to need it everyday, that would get rough financially. It was about an hour and a half on the train, with the transfer to a bus, which made the round trip three hours, and Shuuji had always worked from home, he didn¡¯t even really go for walks, he definitely wasn¡¯t good with crowds. So even though it was easier on his wallet, it was harder on his constitution. He¡¯d been coming here like that every day for a week, and his fatigue had reached its peak. He remembered heading for the computer after lunch. But his fatigue turned into exhaustion and attacked him, and he ended up falling asleep right where he was. He must have slept for a little while, even in that unnatural posture, because suddenly there was something warm on his shoulders, and he startled awake. CH 5 Suddenly, a month had passed since Shuuji had come face to face with the clone. The house was still unknown to people around them, and no one seemed to have noticed the clone¡¯s existence yet at all. They were fortunate that the vacation house wasn¡¯t near any other residences, and that neither one of them had a large circle of friends. ¨C ¨C ¨C With the meeting ended early, and having skipped lunch, Shuuji got back to the vacation house earlier than he¡¯d planned. ¡°I¡¯m back.¡± Shuuji opened the door, and called out as he went in. He immediately heard someone running down the stairs. ¡°Welcome home.¡± The clone came to greet him, a smile stretched across his whole face. So there was someone this happy to greet him, huh. A heat spread through Shuuji¡¯s chest. It¡¯d always been Shuuji¡¯s role to greet Koutarou, when they¡¯d been going out. It was only because he¡¯d decided not to immediately abandon the clone that he was being greeted at all, and it was only because he was actually living with the clone that he¡¯d learned how warm the words ¡®welcome home¡¯ could really be. ¡°Here you go. As you requested.¡± Shuuji flashed an enticing smile, and offered the clone the job listings magazine, still in its bag. ¡°Thanks. I¡¯ll peruse it later.¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C It couldn¡¯t have been more than ten minutes, but Shuuji ended up dozing off without really meaning to. He only woke up because his nose was tickled by the aroma of dashi wafting over from the kitchen. ¡°What are you making?¡± Shuuji asked the clone, lifting himself up and seeing the clone turned away from him. ¡°It¡¯s not really the season for it, but I thought we could have some hot pot,¡± the clone answered, turning around. ¡°Did the nap help any?¡± ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m fine.¡± More than that, he didn¡¯t want the clone to worry too much, so Shuuji adopted a composed attitude, got to his feet, and headed into the kitchen. He figured there might be something he could help with. The dining room was in between the living room and the kitchen, and the fried rice was still there on the table, untouched. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. You went through all that trouble to make it for me too¡­¡± Feelings of guilt and regret came back to him, and Shuuji hung his head as he apologized. It wasn¡¯t just that he hadn¡¯t been able to finish the meal, he felt bad that his uncertain attitude was hurting both versions of Koutarou. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. I¡¯ll make it my dinner. I made enough to have it for two meals in one day, no problem.¡± He was probably just trying not to worry Shuuji, but there was a boastful edge to the clone¡¯s voice too. ¡°I think maybe I have a bit of a talent for cooking.¡± The clone left the kitchen, and his eyes stopped on the magazine that had been left at the dining room table. It was the job listings magazine Shuuji had bought. ¡°Oh yeah. I could be a chef?¡± The clone cracked a rare joke, flipping through the magazine. Probably the clone was worried about Shuuji, since he didn¡¯t seem to be feeling well, and had thought to cheer him up. Shuuji knew it, too, but he couldn¡¯t bring himself to laugh. ¡°Shuuji, what¡¯s wrong?¡± the clone said, surprised, and Shuuji realized for the first time that he¡¯d been crying. These tears, flowing down without his conscious awareness, were an admonition from the Koutarou who had passed on to the next world. Shuuji hadn¡¯t meant to forget him, not even for a moment, and yet he¡¯d been so busy enjoying the peaceful life he had now, he¡¯d ended up turning his eyes away from reality. But hearing about a new future that the real Koutarou could never have even discussed, he¡¯d been reawakened to a truth he¡¯d been trying not to see. ¡°You¡¯re not Koutarou, but¡­¡± ¡°I understand. If you can¡¯t think of me like that, I won¡¯t force you to.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not what I mean.¡± Shuuji interrupted the clone with a strong tone. He was the same man as Koutarou, inside and out, right down to his memories of the past. Shuuji had loved Koutarou, and it wasn¡¯t impossible that he would end up longing for this clone, too. And Koutarou was the one who left the clone here for him, surely Koutarou would forgive him. But Shuuji couldn¡¯t forgive himself. ¡°I know you¡¯re not the real Koutarou, but when I¡¯m with you I still end up thinking you are somehow. When you¡¯re here, I start to forget that Koutarou died.¡± His logic was selfish and inconsistent. It wasn¡¯t the clone¡¯s fault, Shuuji was the one who couldn¡¯t control his emotions. He knew all that too, and yet it was his feeling for the deceased Koutarou that now moved Shuuji¡¯s lips. ¡°I can¡¯t let Koutarou disappear from my memory as well. I don¡¯t want to forget him. I, at least, need to remember him.¡± ¡°That¡­ It¡¯s difficult for you to be with me, you mean?¡± the clone asked, and Shuuji nodded once. This life had been empty since Koutarou passed away, and he¡¯d been enjoying it like the accident had been just a lie. Which was exactly why it was so hard. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I can¡¯t live with you anymore. I¡¯m really sorry.¡± Shuuji could only apologize. He¡¯d said he would stay by the clone¡¯s side until he got back on his feet, and now he was tossing the clone aside halfway there. His selfishness was inexcusable, and he kept his eyes on the floor, still crying. ¡°You haven¡¯t done anything to apologize for, Shuuji.¡± A gentle voice, and a calm warmth fell on his shoulders. Shuuji lifted his face, and the clone flashed a tiny smile to say he understood. ¡°What are you smiling for? Wasn¡¯t it Koutarou who said that if you don¡¯t want to smile, then it¡¯s okay not to.¡± ¡°Shuuji¡­¡± Shuuji¡¯d spoken in rough tones, and the clone stared at him, taken aback. ¡°I¡¯m doing something horrible, don¡¯t forgive me everything, like Koutarou would. Get angry!¡± Koutarou had always been like that. No matter what Shuuji did, he never got mad, not even once. Whether it was canceling their plans so he wouldn¡¯t miss a deadline, or skimping on sleep and then passing out when they finally did manage to get together, Koutarou never once said any words of blame. And the clone was just like Koutarou, even down to that trait. Wanting to be blamed, asking to be told off, was all down to Shuuji¡¯s ego. Maybe if it was Koutarou who¡¯d ended the relationship, rather than him, he could relax a little, but he was being spoiled at every turn, even by Koutarou¡¯s clone. Even the things that he¡¯d once enjoyed were nothing but heavy burdens now. ¡°There¡¯s no reason to be angry. You¡¯ve indulged me far too much.¡± ¡°So making a clone was supposed to be you indulging me? You thought I¡¯d just accept it calmly, that¡¯s how I am?¡± Shuuji asked, his tone reproachful, and the words seemed to get stuck in the clone¡¯s throat. He couldn¡¯t make any response because Shuuji had hit a bullseye. His attitude only made Shuuji more agitated. CH 6 Where in hell had the clone gone? Shuuji waited at the vacation house until the following morning, but the clone didn¡¯t come back. He did have money, so he could stay in a hotel or something, and he wasn¡¯t likely to be troubled for meals either. He wasn¡¯t a child, there was no need to be so worried just because Shuuji didn¡¯t know where he was for one single night. But even as he repeated those things to himself, Shuuji didn¡¯t get a wink of sleep. ¨C ¨C ¨C The instant Shuuji got out of the taxi in front of Koutarou¡¯s condo, something unexpected happened. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s you, hold on.¡± Someone called his name, in a re-enactment of the other day, and Shuuji came to a surprised halt. Koutarou¡¯s colleague, whom he¡¯d come across by chance that once, was across the street. The man stopped Shuuji with a shout and then rushed across the street towards him. ¡°Great. We met again.¡± The man flashed a happy smile, but of course, he had no way of knowing that Shuuji wasn¡¯t prepared for any such attitude. ¡°Uh¡­¡± ¡°There¡¯s something I wanted to give you. I really should have asked for your contact information the other day.¡± ¡°Me?¡± ¡°Yeah, you,¡± the man said, taking a manila envelope from his inside jacket pocket and offering it to Shuuji. ¡°They told me to dispose of Seno¡¯s personal effects, but just throwing everything out kind of left a bad taste in my mouth, you know,¡± he said, apparently assuming Shuuji would understand, and Shuuji nodded in response. Even if they weren¡¯t particularly close, he was a colleague who¡¯d worked with Koutarou for years. Shuuji probably couldn¡¯t just dismiss him out of hand. ¡°I mean, I say personal effects, but it¡¯s just some research papers and office supplies, so it¡¯s not any personal mementos, but everybody¡¯s been taking his stuff little by little, so I thought I should give these to you, at least. I thought I¡¯d hand them over if we ever met again, so I¡¯ve been walking around with them, looks like it was the right choice.¡± The man smiled triumphantly. Concerned about what the man had gone through so much to give him, Shuuji took a peek in the envelope right on the spot. ¨C ¨C ¨C When the train got into Saitama, nostalgic scenes gradually spread themselves before him. He didn¡¯t even have that many good memories here, but just the fact that it was his hometown had a certain longing for the past swelling up inside him. He got off the train at the closest station and headed for his alma mater on foot. He didn¡¯t plan on going onto school grounds, only to follow the route there. Along the way, he passed some students clad in the uniform he himself had worn. It was getting late, so they must have been headed home. He¡¯d walked a little bit from the station when he approached the bank of a river. A trail followed along the embankment. This was the first time he¡¯d walked this road without his uniform on. Feeling strangely restless, he looked around carefully as he walked, so as not to miss anything. ¡°Ah¨C¡± Annoyed by the volume of his unconscious shout, Shuuji slapped his hand over his mouth. He¡¯d come all this way, but he hadn¡¯t really thought the clone would be here. But the man sitting on the riverbank watching the river flow past couldn¡¯t be anyone else. He was wearing a hat Shuuji had never seen before ¨C when had he bought that? ¨C but there was no way Shuuji could mistake Koutarou. ¡°Koutarou.¡± The name he¡¯d sealed away, the name he couldn¡¯t say, flowed from his mouth easily, and he called to that figure he loved so much. He hadn¡¯t been calling him Koutarou because he wasn¡¯t the real Koutarou. Shuuji had made the distinction, had decided that he was a different person. But that too came to an end today. The fact that he¡¯d been running around trying not to lose Koutarou for a second time was proof that he¡¯d already accepted that the clone was Koutarou, even if they weren¡¯t exactly the same. CH 7 ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking, should we maybe find a new place to live?¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C ¡°This is a nice apartment, huh?¡± That was how the clone evaluated the place the first time he saw it. Shuuji was relieved too, they¡¯d finally found a suitable apartment, after a month of searching. After they¡¯d decided to leave Koutarou¡¯s vacation house together, Shuuji had run around searching through listings in between jobs. They were just two guys, not even brothers, and their requirements were quite modest, but one of them was a man who shouldn¡¯t be in this world, so the places they could move into were quite limited. And what was more, they had to make do with just Shuuji¡¯s income for a while, so their rent budget was quite low. ¡°It¡¯s a pretty old building, is that alright?¡± ¡°Is it a problem?¡± Eventually, they ended up in a big apartment building that had been built in the Showa era,1 but the clone didn¡¯t seem worried at all. Rather, he looked excited to imagine the new life they would start here. ¡°No, I¡¯m glad you like it. Try opening the windows.¡± Shuuji prompted him to go further in, and the clone approached the window, just as he¡¯d been told. Shuuji followed just behind him. ¡°Oh, you can see the ocean?¡± the clone said, a little surprised, and then opened the window and leaned outside. ¡°You¡¯ve got to come up the hill, and there are a lot of stairs, so getting here is a pain, but it¡¯s got a great view, huh?¡± ¡°It certainly does. But I didn¡¯t know you liked the ocean that much, Shuuji.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know if I especially like it, but I never saw the ocean with Koutarou.¡± When the real estate agent had led them here and they¡¯d first seen it, he¡¯d suddenly realized that fact, and it had boosted his decision to stay here. He was making more and more new memories with the clone. He wanted to make their first new home together a totally different environment than anywhere they¡¯d been before. Besides, up here, there was no one who knew either of them. They¡¯d probably have to worry about prying eyes wherever they were. There wasn¡¯t even any guarantee that the clone was a complete person. Maybe some new flaw would make itself apparent tomorrow. But even so, Shuuji had chosen to be with him. There was no meaning to living in a world with no Koutarou. He¡¯d realized that when he¡¯d almost lost Koutarou for the second time. So they¡¯d never be separated again. Shuuji vowed to the Koutarou who was gone that he would love the clone who¡¯d been born for his sake, even if he wasn¡¯t the same as the original. CH 8 Wakened Scholar of the Sea When the window was open, the sea spread out before them. Any time they took a deep breath, they could faintly smell the salt water. Two weeks had passed since Koutarou Seno and his lover Shuuji Shiraishi had moved into this apartment with a view of the ocean. Living in a town where no one knew anything about them was more exciting than Koutarou had expected. Maybe it was because they were setting out on a new life. Everything he saw felt fresh and new. Since Koutarou was dead, as far as the rest of the world was concerned, he couldn¡¯t go out openly, so all the official procedures were handled by Shuuji. Instead, Koutarou handled most of the actual moving, including tidying up. Considering that not long ago he couldn¡¯t do anything outside of research, he could hardly believe how much he¡¯d changed. Even now, he went out to the balcony quite naturally, took in the dried laundry with quick, practiced motions, and then went back inside. In the past two weeks, the actions had become simply part of his daily routine. The corner apartment of the two-story building where Koutarou and Shuuji lived was a 2DK layout,1 and wasn¡¯t really big enough for two full grown men. But it wasn¡¯t a problem for the two of them, since Koutarou especially had hardly any material possessions. There was the dine-in kitchen, and they made one of the other rooms their bedroom, and then the remaining room was the living room and Shuuji¡¯s work space. Koutarou spent a lot of time in that room too, even while Shuuji was working. Shuuji¡¯d turned on his PC first thing this morning, again, had been working there all day. Only when it was time for lunch did Koutarou call him and force him to interrupt his work, but other than that, he¡¯d had his head down all day. When he was concentrating, he didn¡¯t even seem to hear things around him, didn¡¯t seem to see anything but the screen in front of him, so Shuuji probably had no idea what time it was. He was concentrating so hard that Koutarou didn¡¯t want to interrupt him, but he was worried that Shuuji was concentrating maybe too hard. So after Koutarou was finished putting the laundry away, he made some coffee and called out casually. ¡°How about a little intermission?¡± He didn¡¯t know if it was his voice reaching him or perhaps that he was invited by the smell of the coffee, but Shuuji responded immediately. ¡°Ah, thanks.¡± Shuuji turned around, the traces of concentration still on his face, and a bit spacey somehow. ¡°You have amazing powers of concentration, as ever.¡± ¡°Do I?¡± ¡°There¡¯s been some serious clattering around here, and you haven¡¯t noticed a bit of it,¡± Koutarou pointed out, and Shuuji flashed a small, wry smile. ¡°What have you been doing that makes such clattering?¡± Shuuji asked, turning around to face Koutarou, and putting himself fully in intermission mode. ¡°I¡¯ve been putting together the bookshelves we bought the other day. Look.¡± Shuuji¡¯s eyes followed Koutarou¡¯s pointing finger, and he got a surprised look on his face. There was a large bookshelf that reached all the way to the ceiling, which they¡¯d bought online, and which now contained Shuuji¡¯s work materials. ¡°You did that by yourself?¡± ¡°There were instructions on how to build it. You seem pretty busy, I have to do what I can.¡± ¡°You can really do anything now, huh.¡± The words made it seem like he was impressed, but Koutarou felt an echo of loneliness in his tone. Until now, Koutarou had relied on Shuuji for all of the daily chores, including the housework. But now that he didn¡¯t have any research work, he had plenty of free time and nothing to do with it. ¡°Sorry. I have to get this done¡­¡± ¡°We promised not to say stuff like that, didn¡¯t we?¡± Koutarou pointed out with a grin, and Shuuji let out a surprised little noise, and then smiled, embarrassed. They¡¯d promised not to think of anything as entirely their own fault. That was the one of the rules the two of them had decided after they¡¯d moved to this apartment. Shuuji had implemented it in order to rebuke Koutarou, who¡¯d repeatedly apologized that his clone self did nothing but cause Shuuji trouble. Along with a rule that they wouldn¡¯t decide important things by themselves, and that they wouldn¡¯t hide things, those were the three rules for living in this apartment. Mainly, Shuuji had implemented them for Koutarou¡¯s sake, but strangely the one who broke the rules most often had been Shuuji. ¡°How long are you going to laugh?¡± ¡°That is so you, Shuuji.¡± They¡¯d been going out for a long time, but Shuuji could never quite seem to stop worrying about him. Whenever he felt Shuuji¡¯s kindness, a joyous smile ended up spilling onto his face. ¡°Oh right. Do you have any requests for dinner? I was going to go shopping after this.¡± ¡°Is it that late already?¡± Shuuji muttered, glancing at the wall clock. Koutarou always went shopping in the evening, so he knew some time had passed without even looking at the clock. ¡°It¡¯s nice to be so into your work, but I think maybe you¡¯re getting a little too into it and ignoring things. You worked late yesterday too, didn¡¯t you?¡± Koutarou asked, and for a moment, the words caught in Shuuji¡¯s throat. Last night, Shuuji had said he had a little more work to do, and so Koutarou had gone to bed by himself. But since he¡¯d woken up when Shuuji finally got into bed, he knew that Shuuji had been up till close to dawn. But if he pointed it out, Shuuji would only worry that he¡¯d woken Koutarou up, so Koutarou mentioned it obscurely. ¡°You never know when work is going to dry up when you¡¯re freelance. So I try not to refuse requests. Well, I say that, but actually the jobs are kind of piling up at the moment.¡± Shuuji said it all in a bright tone, but Koutarou wasn¡¯t going to be taken in so easily. Until Koutarou had gotten in that accident, Shuuji had worked at his own pace. He¡¯d never put in any effort to sell himself. But now he was proactively looking for work. Koutarou¡¯d even heard him making sales calls. Clearly it was because of Koutarou. Koutarou didn¡¯t have a job, and they didn¡¯t know whether he¡¯d ever be able to get one, so Shuuji was working hard for him. ¨C ¨C ¨C ¡°I¡¯m back.¡± Koutarou opened the door and entered the apartment, and Shuuji greeted him with a smile from the kitchen. ¡°Welcome home.¡± Charmed by Shuuji¡¯s smile, one naturally broke out on Koutarou¡¯s face as well. ¡°You done with work?¡± ¡°More or less. I mean, I haven¡¯t gotten the official okay quite yet,¡± Shuuji said, adding that he¡¯d only just emailed his data. ¡°Well, good job though. So, you¡¯re done with work for the day then?¡± Koutarou asked, and Shuuji nodded. ¡°I think I¡¯m gonna stop for today. I need to hit the reset button on my head.¡± Koutarou could see a bit of exhaustion on Shuuji¡¯s face as he answered. With all the jobs he¡¯d been taking on lately, his schedule seemed to have gotten pretty tight, and he¡¯d been basically living in front of his PC twenty-four hours a day. He wanted to help however he could, but Koutarou was a layman in the field of book design, so there was nothing he could do. Shuuji said he wanted to cook, to switch his brain over, so Koutarou stood next to him in the kitchen. He could have left everything to Shuuji, but he wanted to be by his side, even for a little while. Koutarou had been trying not to get in the way of his work, so even when they were in the same room lately, they¡¯d hardly spoken with each other. They made dinner together, ate it still together, and for the first time in a while, they got to spend slow, easy time with each other. It was still a bit early to go to bed, so they moved to the living room and had some coffee. ¡°Maybe I¡¯ll come shopping tomorrow too.¡± ¡°You have become a bit of a shut-in. Running out of ideas?¡± ¡°Yeah, something like that,¡± Shuuji smiled, confirming Koutarou¡¯s suspicions. If all he did was output, his pool of ideas would end up drained. Koutarou decided to talk about what had happened to him that day, maybe it would be one piece of input, at least. ¡°Speaking of, at the supermarket earlier¡­¡± He told Shuuji all about the man who¡¯d collapsed, and how he¡¯d done emergency first-aid until the ambulance arrived. ¡°You did all that?¡± When the story was over, Shuuji didn¡¯t hide his surprise. ¡°I didn¡¯t have any real life experience, but I managed.¡± He didn¡¯t necessarily want to boast, but he just wanted to report that there were things he could do, even as he was now. But Shuuji¡¯s face was pale. ¡°Jeez, is that alright?¡± Shuuji muttered, like he was talking to himself. ¡°What?¡± ¡°What if someone had noticed you, Koutarou¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m not that famous.¡± Koutarou flashed a grin to say Shuuji was worrying too much. ¡°Someone in the medical field might know you.¡± ¡°It was only the EMTs who saw me,¡± Koutarou said, trying to reassure him that it was okay. They had asked him if he would accompany the man to the hospital, but he didn¡¯t really know the man, and the EMTs were there, and besides, Koutarou only had theoretical knowledge, he wasn¡¯t really needed, so he¡¯d refused. So the only ones Koutarou had actually spoken with there had been the EMTs. But, the smile didn¡¯t come back to Shuuji¡¯s face. He still looked tense. ¡°Nobody was really looking at people¡¯s faces that well anyway. Everyone was focused on the man who collapsed.¡± ¡°If you were a normal person, maybe, but you¡¯re different, Koutarou. You should be a little more self-aware, your looks catch people¡¯s eyes.¡± ¡°Do they?¡± Koutarou tilted his head, not understanding. ¡°With a face that good-looking, and you¡¯re tall, and you carry yourself well, anybody would notice you. If you had any clothing sense, you¡¯d look like a model.¡± ¡°Well, because it doesn¡¯t matter what I wear, right,¡± Koutarou said, looking down at himself. He didn¡¯t have any hang ups about clothes, so he just kept wearing the same stuff for years, until they got damaged or hard to keep clean. ¡°To be honest, I¡¯ve always thought it was kind of a waste. You would look so amazing.¡± ¡°Isn¡¯t it better if I don¡¯t stand out?¡± ¡°Which is why I haven¡¯t said anything, have I,¡± Shuuji said, like it really was such a shame. It seemed that they were going to drop the matter without having to change his wardrobe, and Koutarou sighed to himself in relief. If Shuuji said he wanted it no matter what, he¡¯d be happy to dress however Shuuji liked, but if he didn¡¯t have to, he¡¯d never go that far on his own. He wasn¡¯t picky about what he wore, but neither did he want to press for change himself. CH 9 ¡°You.¡± CH 10 ¡°I¡¯m back.¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C Nagasaki agreed to meet Shuuji with no objections. When Shuuji called the cell phone number on the back of the business card Koutarou had gotten from Nagasaki, and requested a meeting to discuss the details of this part time job, Nagasaki said the following afternoon would be fine. ¡°He really is a doctor then, huh,¡± Shuuji said, like he hadn¡¯t expected it. They¡¯d come to the best general hospital in town. Just past the front entrance, there was a list of the day¡¯s attending physicians, and the two confirmed that Nagasaki¡¯s name was on it. ¡°You doubted even that?¡± Koutarou stared at Shuuji¡¯s profile, surprised. And it seemed Shuuji still wasn¡¯t entirely convinced, because his eyes were glued to the duty roster. ¡°I didn¡¯t think doctors had enough free time to wander around town,¡± Shuuji said, trying to make an excuse. After all, Nagasaki had shown up in a supermarket to look for Koutarou in the middle of the day. Apparently, it was after his morning rounds had been completed, but it must have still been during working hours, and it seemed that Shuuji felt uncomfortable about it. ¡°Besides, is that something a physician who¡¯s this busy with medical exams does?¡± The duty roster Shuuji was looking at had Nagasaki¡¯s name all over it from Monday to Friday. Today was Wednesday, and naturally, Nagasaki had appointments. Which was probably why they¡¯d been scheduled for two o¡¯ clock in the afternoon. But it had been ten or fifteen minutes since Koutarou and Shuuji arrived on the ground floor of the hospital, and it was now well past their two o¡¯ clock appointment time. ¡°Sorry, sorry, I¡¯m late,¡± Nagasaki apologized, still wearing his white coat. Koutarou and Shuuji were given to understand that his morning appointments had run long. As further evidence, a great crowd of patients waited at the checkout counter to pay their bills. ¡°No. Thank you for taking the time to meet us when you¡¯re so busy.¡± Shuuji politely bowed his head. ¡°Let¡¯s not just stand around chatting, I want to talk in more detail, follow me.¡± Maybe he really was busy, or maybe he was just impatient by nature, but Nagasaki barely exchanged hellos before he turned his back on Koutarou and Shuuji and walked off. That kind of pushy attitude intimidated Shuuji, and Koutarou, standing next to him, knew it. But, Shuuji didn¡¯t say anything. No doubt he figured they should listen to what Nagasaki had to say first. He followed after Nagasaki without a word, and Koutarou stayed beside him. Nagasaki guided them to a small room on the second floor. In the center of the room long tables had been placed in a hollow square, and it gave the strong impression of being a small conference room. ¡°I¡¯ve arranged to use this place for the papers.¡± Nagasaki started with an explanation of the room. That must have been why he¡¯d brought Koutarou and Shuuji here. He wasn¡¯t just looking for a leisurely chat. ¡°That¡¯s what I wanted to talk about¡­¡± Shuuji interrupted, before Nagasaki could go into any details. He was the type to be a bit reserved in public, and he wouldn¡¯t normally speak up so assertively with people he¡¯d just met. But that¡¯s how worried he was about Koutarou. He didn¡¯t seem to be able to keep his mouth shut. ¡°Oh, right,¡± Nagasaki said, as if he¡¯d just remembered, and stared at Shuuji quite openly. ¡°You¡¯re the roommate who called me up and wanted to talk, right? So what should we talk about?¡± Koutarou cut in before Shuuji could answer. ¡°He¡¯s not just my roommate. This is my lover, Shuuji Shiraishi.¡± Koutarou introduced Shuuji in grand tones. Koutarou had been right beside him during yesterday¡¯s phone call, but Shuuji had introduced himself as Koutarou¡¯s roommate, and Koutarou had been wanting to correct it ever since. ¡°Oi, Koutarou¡­¡± Shuuji got flustered and tried to cover Koutarou¡¯s mouth. Shuuji had always tried to keep the relationship between the two of them a secret. But as far as Koutarou was concerned, there was nothing to be ashamed of, no matter who they were facing, so he¡¯d never thought it necessary to hide it, and had never really understood why Shuuji always tried to. ¡°Ah-ha. Yeah, if you¡¯re his lover, it stands to reason you wouldn¡¯t trust a job from some shady rando, huh.¡± Nagasaki accepted Koutarou¡¯s revelation quite easily, and didn¡¯t seem to question anything. Shuuji was so surprised he couldn¡¯t form any words. Nagasaki¡¯s attitude seemed quite beyond Shuuji¡¯s expectations. ¡°You¡¯ve verified my identity, right?¡± ¡°That¡¯s, uh, yes,¡± Shuuji answered. He recovered from his surprise, and stared at Nagasaki, so as not to overlook any suspicious points, no matter how small. ¡°Okay then, next up is the details of the actual work.¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C Koutarou went to the hospital three days a week, excluding Mondays and Thursdays, and since operations had commenced on Tuesday, Friday was his third day. Like Nagasaki had said, in addition to the papers, which he¡¯d printed out, he prepared everything, including writing implements, dictionaries, and a computer, and all Koutarou had to pack was a lunch and a thermos full of tea. ¡°Welcome home,¡± Shuuji greeted him when he got back to the apartment. This exchange was on its third day too. Koutarou had told Shuuji he wanted him to concentrate on his work and not pay him any attention, since Shuuji was so busy, but Shuuji not only came out to greet him, he also saw him off in the morning and even made his lunch for him. Although Shuuji had opposed the whole job at first, he seemed happy that Koutarou was working now. And Koutarou was happy to have started this part time gig, if only to make Shuuji happy. ¡°I¡¯m back. Everything was delicious today, again.¡± Koutarou had eaten all of it, and now offered the lightened lunchbox to Shuuji. ¡°Of course. My cooking skills haven¡¯t lost to you quite yet, you know,¡± Shuuji boasted, and a smile stretched across his face. Koutarou had started to feel like he left the house just so he could be greeted by that smile upon his return. ¡°I have also already started preparing this evening¡¯s dinner.¡± ¡°Again? I said I was going to do it.¡± CH 11 The following Tuesday, Koutarou went to the hospital conference room as promised, and Nagasaki was waiting there for him. ¨C ¨C ¨C Koutarou switched gears and immersed himself in his work, but he never really calmed down. He couldn¡¯t keep his cool knowing that maybe his true identity was being exposed while he was over here doing this work. Working under such conditions, he was just wasting his time. If it was going to be like this, it might be better to solve his issues first, and then come back to work after he¡¯d calmed down and could concentrate. Koutarou cut his work day short just past the middle of the afternoon. He¡¯d been told he could borrow the room from 9 in the morning until 6 in the evening, but he¡¯d also been told it was okay to work at his own pace, so he didn¡¯t necessarily have to work for the entire allotted time. Koutarou left the hospital and headed straight home on his bike. They¡¯d bought the bike right after they¡¯d come to this town. Well, Shuuji had bought it for him, since he couldn¡¯t take a car like before. He drove down the sea-side road, bathed in the scent of the tides, and finally he calmed down a bit. No one knew him in this tiny little country town, so who exactly did he think was going to recognize him? He¡¯d been overthinking this, Koutarou told himself, sneering at himself. He¡¯d arrived at the apartment and was parking his bike in the parking lot, when he heard footsteps coming down the exterior staircase, and instinctively turned towards them. CH 12 How he got home again, Koutarou didn¡¯t remember. Only the sensation of him sitting on the floor made him realize that he¡¯d made it back. ¨C ¨C ¨C Two days later, on Thursday, Koutarou got to the hospital early. Not that he¡¯d been slacking off before, but now he pushed his translation work forward at an even faster pace. The very instant he was finished with this paper, he was going to pick up the next one. He¡¯d heard from Nagasaki that there were a lot of people looking for help with papers. The professor, and the doctors under him, to say nothing of the associate professors, all seemed to be having trouble making progress with their papers thanks to problems of language competence. He knew the job wouldn¡¯t last forever, but that was exactly why he wanted to earn money while he still could. Basically no one else came into the conference room while Koutarou was using it. But as evening approached, the door opened without even a knock. ¡°Ah, still working, huh,¡± Nagasaki said in a jovial tone, appearing unexpectedly. He was wearing his white lab coat today again, so he must still have been on duty. ¡°There¡¯s no rush, you know, you don¡¯t have to work yourself so hard, Seno.¡± Nagasaki said it in a completely natural tone of voice. But Koutarou didn¡¯t miss it, even with his nerves stretched as thin as they were. ¡°Seno? I¡¯m Sakurai¡­¡± It had been a while since Koutarou had been called by that name, and he didn¡¯t respond. But if he hadn¡¯t been vigilant about Nagasaki already, he might not have been able to answer so calmly. ¡°Not going to fall for something so rudimentary, huh.¡± Nagasaki¡¯s smile stayed bright. It seemed to have been just a diversionary tactic after all. Koutarou watched Nagasaki¡¯s attitude calmly. He had no intention of giving himself away. ¡°You look exactly like this other researcher, so I wondered if there was any connection, that¡¯s all. Koutarou Seno. The surnames are different, but you¡¯ve got the same given names, huh.¡± Nagasaki wasn¡¯t boasting about anything, he spoke the facts as disinterestedly as always. So the time had finally come. Koutarou had every intention of resigning himself to it, but now that the moment was here a hopelessness he¡¯d never felt before attacked him. How had Nagasaki found him? He wanted to know, but there was no way he could ask. Doing something like that would only wrap him in further suspicion. Koutarou¡¯s name and photograph had been published in industry magazines. So it wouldn¡¯t have been that unusual for Koutarou¡¯s photo to be circulating on the internet, and if that¡¯s what Nagasaki had found, maybe there was nothing to be done. ¡°You have any connection to Koutarou Seno?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t,¡± Koutarou answered at once, with no hesitation. It wasn¡¯t outside the scope of questions he¡¯d anticipated. Koutarou didn¡¯t falter in his responses. ¡°Well, have you heard of Koutarou Seno?¡± Nagasaki¡¯s questions continued. But no matter what he asked, Koutarou would never admit it. Even if this was a pointless exchange, he had no choice but to keep it up until Nagasaki was convinced, in order to clear up his doubts. ¡°No I don¡¯t.¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C ¡°You¡¯re awfully late.¡± When Koutarou got home, he was greeted by a worried Shuuji. ¡°I wanted to finish this paper quickly¡­¡± Obsessed with that idea, he¡¯d been working in a trance, and had completely forgotten the time. By the time he realized it, it was already past seven in the evening. If Koutarou had owned a cell phone, he¡¯d have contacted Shuuji, but he couldn¡¯t use the same one he¡¯d had before, and he couldn¡¯t sign a new contract. Shuuji had said that they could get another one under his name, but Koutarou had refused, saying it wasn¡¯t necessary, since they were almost always together. ¡°They¡¯re in that much of a rush for this paper?¡± Shuuji asked, to which Koutarou shook his head. ¡°Mr Nagasaki called me Seno today.¡± Koutarou¡¯s words left Shuuji speechless. If they were going to have to leave town, he couldn¡¯t hide it from Shuuji any more. Koutarou explained the details of what had happened when he was called out. ¡°He was fooled by those kind of lies?¡± ¡°He backed down right away, but I¡¯m sure he doesn¡¯t believe we¡¯re unrelated.¡± ¡°Yeah, true. With the same face, and the same given name. It¡¯s only natural that he wouldn¡¯t believe that kind of coincidence.¡± Shuuji bit his lip, and closed his eyes, pained. ¡°It¡¯s because we were so particular about your name.¡± CH 13 The next work day, Nagasaki didn¡¯t show his face. Just staying alert, wondering if he was going to come say something else put Koutarou off his pace, and he couldn¡¯t calm down again. The man was that busy, and yet he¡¯d still discovered ¡®Koutarou Seno.¡¯ Koutarou had never imagined it would happen. ¨C ¨C ¨C Their house was only thirty minutes away by bike, so they got there by car in less than ten minutes. Not a word was spoken the whole time until they arrived. When they¡¯d gotten out of the taxi and entered their apartment, Shuuji¡¯s expression, which had been tense until just a moment ago, broke into a tender smile. ¡°Shall we get something warm into us?¡± ¡°Oh, I can¨C¡± ¡°I¡¯ll do it, you sit down.¡± Shuuji pushed him on the back, and Koutarou didn¡¯t have much choice but to head into the apartment, and take a seat in the living room. The clink of utensils and the sound of water boiling echoed through the quiet interior. Those every-day sounds calmed Koutarou down a little bit. Koutarou gazed fixedly at Shuuji. What was Shuuji thinking, that he¡¯d brought Koutarou home? Did he want to discuss something with him? Koutarou wanted to know, but he was afraid to hear it and couldn¡¯t ask. While Koutarou was busy not saying anything, Shuuji came over carrying two cups with instant coffee in them. ¡°Here.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± He took the offered cup, and it warmed his palm. There hadn¡¯t been any space to notice things like temperature until a few minutes ago, but now finally, he remembered that it had been cold outside. ¡°Earlier, what were you thinking about?¡± Shuuji asked, sitting down beside Koutarou. Of course he¡¯d noticed. Koutarou hadn¡¯t been able to answer any of Nagasaki¡¯s questions. He figured Shuuji would ask him, and he¡¯d intended to have an answer prepared. But in the whole time on their way back to the apartment, he hadn¡¯t been able to find one. Even if he told Shuuji the truth, Shuuji would tell him things weren¡¯t like that. But that was because Shuuji was so nice. Koutarou had no one but Shuuji to rely on, Shuuji wouldn¡¯t be able to just let him go. ¡°He hit a nerve?¡± Shuuji said, peering at Koutarou with the corners of his mouth turning up. ¡°You were thinking that if you change your appearance, you won¡¯t be my beloved Koutarou anymore, am I right?¡± Shuuji¡¯s guess was so entirely correct that Koutarou couldn¡¯t make any response. How long had Shuuji known it? Even Koutarou himself hadn¡¯t been clearly aware of this feeling until recently. ¡°Am I wrong?¡± Shuuji asked him gently, to prompt him, and Koutarou shook his head. ¡°You¡¯re not wrong, but it¡¯s not just that.¡± He didn¡¯t want to hide things from Shuuji any more. Even if he said it all and Shuuji ended up leaving, he wanted Shuuji, and only Shuuji, to know his true self. Koutarou resolved himself and opened his mouth. ¡°I¡¯m not the previous Koutarou any more.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I¨C¡± ¡°I want you to listen.¡± Shuuji was trying to say that he understood, but Koutarou interrupted him and then kept talking. ¡°I meant to not change anything. But I am different. From the instant I was born as a clone, I¡¯ve been having experiences my past self will never know. In other words, I¡¯m not me of the past any more, you might say I¡¯m becoming some other, new individual.¡± Koutarou chose his words carefully, trying to convey to Shuuji what he¡¯d been thinking about recently. Even without the striking growth of a child, adults sometimes changed their way of thinking with new experiences, too. Since becoming a clone, every day had been a series of fresh experiences. He hadn¡¯t been aware of any changes, but every day, he lived a life that the previous Koutarou would never know, so change was inevitable, Koutarou finally realized. Shuuji had been watching Koutarou more closely than anyone else, and so surely he had noticed that change more quickly. But out of concern for Koutarou, he hadn¡¯t said anything. ¡°Maybe someday there won¡¯t be any trace of the me that you fell in love with, Shuuji. So I wanted to at least keep the same appearance as I had before.¡± Koutarou finished up all in one breath, and then heaved a deep sigh. Perhaps because he wasn¡¯t hiding anything from Shuuji anymore, he felt much more at ease. ¡°Koutarou, you¡¯ve got a really good head on your shoulders, but you¡¯re kind of an idiot.¡± Shuuji smiled, dumbfounded. ¡°I knew that from the start. Anyway, human beings change every day. Me too, I¡¯ve changed a ton compared to how I was in high school. I¡¯ve changed even just in the years since we met again.¡± ¡°You too, Shuuji?¡± ¡°Oh yeah. You don¡¯t think I¡¯ve changed?¡± Shuuji asked, and looking at him, Koutarou saw it too. ¡°That¡¯s true. You¡¯ve gotten stronger.¡± ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m surprising even myself.¡± Shuuji had eaten Nagasaki alive earlier. Koutarou had never seen him act like that before. Being with the cloned Koutarou seemed to have forced Shuuji to be stronger, too. ¡°You don¡¯t like it?¡± ¡°Are you serious?¡± Koutarou answered, immediately shaking his head. ¡°An eternity could pass and I would never dislike you, Shuuji.¡± ¡°That goes for me, too,¡± Shuuji declared, tacking his words on halfway through Koutarou¡¯s sentence. ¡°Even if I¡¯m not the me I was before¡­?¡± ¡°I said right from the beginning that you weren¡¯t the Koutarou from before, didn¡¯t I?¡± Shuuji said, flashing a mischievous smile. Shuuji had rejected the clone Koutarou in the beginning. He¡¯d said clearly that the clone wasn¡¯t the same Koutarou. Even so, he¡¯d told Koutarou it was alright to fall in love again. Koutarou hadn¡¯t forgotten, but he¡¯d still thought of himself as the same old Koutarou back then, so he hadn¡¯t understood the true meaning of what Shuuji had said. ¨C ¨C ¨C Koutarou picked his newly purchased smart phone up off the table. The contract was in Shuuji¡¯s name, but Koutarou was paying some of the fees out of his part time translation work. When he was shut up in the house all the time, he hadn¡¯t needed any cell phone, but they both figured he¡¯d probably have the opportunity to use one more in the future so they decided to buy one. Koutarou used the phone to send an email to Nagasaki to let him know he was done with the paper he¡¯d been working on. Last time, he¡¯d been given the next paper the second he announced he was done with the old one, so it was best not to let any pointless time pass just waiting to tell him. Koutarou was astonished how not just the university¡¯s professors, but Japanese researchers everywhere, were so hounded by papers, and he received a steady stream of translation requests. When he mentioned it to Nagasaki, the doctor said it was difficult to translate in this particular field of work, and translators as good as Koutarou were thin on the ground. Word had gotten around, and now requests were even coming in that mentioned Koutarou by name. The time on his phone showed noon. Figuring Nagasaki would be here before too long, Koutarou put the paper and his laptop in a pile on the table. ¡°Done already?¡± Nagasaki said, opening the door and coming in. Koutarou had only just sent the mail, he figured Nagasaki was in an exam, and his surprise at seeing him so soon must have showed on his face. ¡°My day for appointments got switched. I¡¯ve got operations today,¡± Nagasaki said, and now that he looked, Koutarou realized Nagasaki wasn¡¯t in his usual white coat, but was wearing blue scrubs. He¡¯d heard the rumor that Nagasaki was a skilled physician, so maybe he¡¯d been getting more referrals for full-on procedures. CH 14 My Future is Yours Alone The bus stopped in front of the hospital. Shuuji Shiraishi got off, along with a number of other passengers. It wasn¡¯t that he was ill. He was here to meet Koutarou Seno, who worked here. It was faster for Shuuji to come meet Koutarou here than it was for him to wait for Koutarou to get home, so whenever the two of them went out for a date, it ended up being at the hospital. Today, too, they were going to wait until Koutarou was done with work, and then go out to a movie. They always arranged to meet at whatever time the bus was scheduled to arrive, so Shuuji never had to wait long. Usually, Koutarou was waiting for him already when he got off the bus, but today was different. Shuuji spotted Koutarou talking to a couple of young women. He couldn¡¯t hear what they were talking about from here, but although the girls were smiling, Koutarou¡¯s profile was expressionless. ¡°When your lover is popular, your worries are endless.¡± Suddenly, he could hear a bantering voice from beside him. He knew who it was just from the voice, and when Shuuji turned, Nagasaki¡¯s smiling face was standing there. Nagasaki was clearly referring to Koutarou¡¯s current situation, so Shuuji responded without much regard for time or place. ¡°Even though he hardly meets with anyone?¡± ¡°Hardly anyone isn¡¯t no one. People still catch sight of him, even shut up in the meeting room like that. People can see him there, you know.¡± ¡°And so it ends up like this?¡± He didn¡¯t mean to blame Nagasaki, but seeing Koutarou brought to a halt like that did bring an unintentionally chilly note to Shuuji¡¯s voice. ¡°Listen, it bothers me, too. I feel like he¡¯s gotten so stylish lately, he looks like another person, you know? I get random gangs of ladies who figure out I know him and start pestering me about who is he, and can I introduce them to him,¡± Nagasaki answered, smiling wryly. This was a country hospital, so maybe Koutarou¡¯s appearance stood out too much. It wasn¡¯t unreasonable for women to get excited over him. ¡°Those women are like that, too?¡± ¡°Nah, those two didn¡¯t come to me. They¡¯re young, they¡¯ve got enough self-confidence for a direct attack,¡± Nagasaki said admiringly, as he watched the women. Both of them were probably in their mid-twenties. They were very different from each other, but quite beautiful, and stylish too. Shuuji nodded at Nagasaki¡¯s comment about their self-confidence. ¡°The ones who come talk to you, Mr Nagasaki, I assume you refuse them all?¡± ¡°You are worried after all, then?¡± Nagasaki asked, calmly. ¡°Or maybe you just don¡¯t want to cut into Koutarou¡¯s working hours?¡± ¨C ¨C ¨C Afterword Good afternoon, pleased to meet you. I¡¯m Ioka Itsuki. Thank you indeed for picking up ¡°Scholar of the Sleeping Forest¡± this time. This story is one I¡¯ve wanted to write for quite a long time now. Years passed and I just wasn¡¯t blessed with the right opportunity¡­ I¡¯m filled with so much emotion to be able to finally write it like this. I tried to change the uke character a little, from when the first section was published in a magazine. As a result, I feel like the relationship between the two of them has become easier to convey. I¡¯m wondering if people who¡¯ve already read the magazine version will read this with fresh feelings, as those who never read the magazine version of course will. To Koyamada Ami who drew the illustrations, thank you so much for these two wonderful people. This confident looking man who¡¯s actually a delicate uke is so in line with how I¡¯d imagined him that I was quite moved. To the editor who graciously began working with me starting with this book, you have been a huge help. Thanks to your accurate advice, I was able to cleanly untangle my mess of a head. And so, in the end, once more, to those who have been so kind as to pick up this book, please accept my greatest thanks, I am grateful. 2017 January Ioka Itsuki