《The Decade of Deep Love (The 10 Years I Loved You the Most)》 Chapter 1 - Medical Certificate It was snowing when Zhishu He walked out of the hospital. Snowflakes were swirling in the air, and then fell on his long eyelashes, slowly melting into icy water. He blinked and finally realized that it was winter now. The winter in Beijing was very cold, but his heart was much colder than it. Zhishu He shivered and wrapped himself in the scarf round his neck tight, with a crumpled paper in his handC it was a medical certificate. He headed for the bus stop and waited for a bus to come. His fingers were stiff with cold, but he still tried to dial a number that he was so familiar with. As time went by, he sank into desperation as no one answered the phone. He kept dialing but it was in vain. Zhishu He screwed the paper up and tossed it into the dustbin, feeling disappointed and frustrated. Half an hour later, the bus finally came. He got on the bus and sat in a window seat. There were few people on the bus, quiet and serene, which relaxed his suppressed anxieties. He pressed his forehead onto the glass window and dialed the number again. This time someone answered, Hello. Its snowing now. Winter is coming, Zhishu He said in a low, soft voice, tears quietly streaming down his cheeks. They had been together for fourteen years, but now something changed. On the other end of the line, Wenxu Jiang, who stayed with his new lover, signaled the young man beside him to be quiet and asked impatiently, Whats up? Im still working overtime in my office. Obviously, he was tired of Zhishu Hes puzzling remarks. You havent been home for a long time. Can you come back this evening? Zhishu begged as he rubbed the silver ring around his right ring finger over and over again, tears welling up in his sad eyes, crossed his face and fell down onto the back of his hand. Wenxu Jiang got a feeling in his bones that something had happened to Zhishu He, so he asked, Whats wrong? Zhishu He didnt answer his question; instead, he asked again, Can you come back this evening? In our hometown, we always eat dumplings when it snows. I will make some dumplings for you. No, Im busy now, Wenxu Jiang said decidedly as he grew weary of Zhishu Hes monotonous personality. Stay at home and dont do anything. Ill ask Assistant Song to send some dumplings to you, okay? Now Im going to work again, bye. He hung up the phone without hesitation after saying that. Zhishu Hes heart ached for Jiangs refusal to return home. He slowly put his cell phone into his coat pocket just like a soulless walking dead. Wenxu Jiang was the president of his company. Did he really have so much work to do that he even had no time to have dinner with Zhishu? Nonsense. The real reason was that Jiang had a lover outside. Zhishu He was so sensitive and intelligent that he knew clearly that Wenxu Jiang had cuckolded him for almost four years. But he turned a blind eye to this fact, not because he didnt care about it at all but because he feared that they would break up completely if he put this matter on the table. He had loved this man for more than ten years, and he would rather tolerate his betrayals than leave him. This was the true love instead of a sudden impulse caused by growth hormones. So in the past four years, Zhishu He had tried his best to ignore the lady perfume on him, the lipsticks on his collar and his lame excuses. They used to love each other so much and had experienced so many difficulties together. Why did they become estranged from each other now? The bus finally reached his destination, Zhishu He got out of it with red eyes and a pale face. He masked his sadness with a gentle expression, as if nothing had happened to him. He went straight home without buying any food, because he lost his appetite when he recalled Wenxu Jiangs cruelty. Maybe they wouldnt have a chance to eat dumplings together in the first snowy night next year. The Grim Reaper was after him but his spouse pushed him away and refused to accompany him in the rest of his life. Song, who was Wenxu Jiangs assistant, came very quickly with a lunch box in his hands. Song in business suit seemed to just knock off. He rang the doorbell, waiting for Zhishu He to open the door. Soon he was greeted by the listless man, Hi, Song. Song handed the lunch box to him and asked with concern and respect, Mr. He, are you okay? Zhishu He nodded and replied with a sheepish expression on his face, Sorry to have troubled you. Next time you dont need to run errands for Wenxu Jiang. Just stay at your post and deal with your own business. Song smiled and said, My duty is to please my boss. He pays me well and I do everything for him. This is a fair trade. His words alleviated Zhishu Hes guilt, and they had a short chat before Song finally left. Zhishu He closed the door and sat at the table, gawking at the lunch box full of dumplings, helplessly and sorrowfully. For the first 10 years of their cohabitation, every year they would stay together in the first snowy night. They sat at this table, on which laid dumpling wrappers and the savoury fillings, and made dumplings in a cheerful atmosphere. Wenxu Jiang once added many candies and coins in the dumplings and complained that Zhishu He always got the lucky dumplings but he didnt. So Zhishu He secretly picked out all the lucky dumplings and put them in Wenxu Jiangs bowl. Zhishu He woke up from those memories and found his nose bleeding again. It happened so frequently these months that he had become accustomed to the sudden nosebleed. He wiped away the blood with paper napkins and thought with self-mockery, Why did I get the disease? Maybe its because I used to give all my lucky dumplings to Wenxu Jiang. Now Im not lucky at all. At last, he ate only four dumplings and went to bed. Four seasons, four dumplings. Peace all year round. That was enough for him. Zhishu He lay on the bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. A slight fever dragged him into the exhaustion. He needed a good sleep to drown his sorrows. Tomorrow was another day. Good night, my sweetheart, Wenxu Jiang. Chapter 2 - A Bowl of Wonton Zhishu He had trouble sleeping. He got up early in the morning and was practiced in swallowing a handful of colorful pills with the cold boiled water left overnight. In the bathroom, he was standing in front of the mirror, in which the man was pale and lifeless, with dull eyes. Zhishu He threw cold water onto his face, then pulled out the heavy down jacket at the bottom of the suitcase and wrapped himself in it. When he was about to go out, his mobile phone rang. He was disappointed again. It was not the man he was waiting for, but the doctor who advised him to receive treatment as soon as possible. Zhishu He answered with his customary gentle smile, Thank you. Ill think about it. It was early, not even eight oclock yet. The snow might last all night and nobody knew when it stopped. Zhishu He walked in the snow for half an hour to the wonton stall that he had been absent for a long time. The vendor was going to wind up the days business, but the moment when he saw Zhishu He, he greeted Zhishu with a smile, Long time no see! Zhishu He sat at the table, smiling, Ive been lazy and inactive since I moved. The vendors wife came to add hot water in his cup, and cast a few eyes on Zhishu, feeling a little worried, You must be too busy! Look at youC how weak you are! Zhishu He kept smiling without a word. In fact, he was not busy. His health collapsed just for that there was too much weighing on his mind. A bowl of wonton. Zhishu He lowered his head, carefully pressing the floating laver into the hot soup with a spoon. The steaming soup soaked his eyes. For more than a decade, the price here had never changed, but by only a bite, he could find that the wonton was smaller with fewer fillings. So was the love between him and Wenxu Jiang. Zhishu He had no appetite, but he managed to finish up all the wontons. He did not dare to look up, because he was afraid that the others would find his eyes wet. Zhishu He suddenly remembered the moment when he came to Beijing to make a living with Wenxu Jiang. They were very poor at that time. One day, they two bought a bowl of wontons, but both were reluctant to eat. Wenxu Jiang refused to move the spoon until Zhishu He divided the bowl of wontons into two portions at last. He still remembered clearly, that day, Wenxu Jiang fell all his tears into the bowl and he said, stressing every word, that for this whole life, he would never let Zhishu He down. But the promise was something that while the speaker was casual, the hearer was attentive. Zhishu He thought he could endure the torture brought by the illness, but he still vomited heavily in the public toilet. How could he not be afraid? He was afraid of loneliness, of disappointment, and of walking in the long corridor of the hospital alone. Zhishu He sat opposite the doctor, looking down at the potted orchids of the doctor whose surname was Ai. The doctor advised him to accept chemotherapy early, the earlier the better. Zhishu He kept silent, while the doctor did not push. Zhishu He managed to control his emotions after a long silence, and he looked up with a slight smile, Im afraid of hardship I cannot do it by myself. Give me some more medicine and Ill think about it, Zhishu He shook his head and smiled weakly. Doctor Ai, Ive had fewer nosebleeds lately, but my fever is getting worse. The other day when I was sleeping at home, I dreamt that I became a big stove in a trance, with my heart and lungs fried in the pan. I almost thought that I wouldnt get through. Hearing his words, the doctor suddenly stopped prescribing the medicine. He saw plenty of sad stories of people with terminal illness, so he knew well about their complaint on the unfair life and reluctance to leave the world, but he had never seen such a man like Zhishu He, who was wrapped by loneliness all over. You are my patient, and Ill always be there for your treatment. Its no big deal. Theres always hope in life, isnt there? In fact, Doctor Ai was no older than 30. Most people focused their eyes on his experience and ability only because he had great achievements in medical field. Now he was comforting Zhishu He; the tone was so relaxing that at the moment he was just like a student who was consoling his schoolmate, Its all right. You tough it out tonight and well go on hunting birds tomorrow. Zhishu He smiled more sincerely, but he still said, Ill think about it. Please give me some medicine. When Zhishu He was about to leave, Ziyu Ai insisted on giving Zhishu a pot of orchid in the office, which was valuable but fragile, Dont go off into wild flights of fancy when you are alone. Just find something to do, and its not bad to grow a flower. Zhishu He was in a daze and then declined, Thank you, doctor, but Im not very good at growing flowers Besides, orchid is such a delicate flower. Its not difficult to grow flowers. I hope you decide soon so that I can arrange treatment for you. If you are well, you will take good care of my flower, the doctor gave a brief and slightly childish smile, and then waved his hand. Zhishu He did not think so actually. Only those who love flowers could take good care of them, which was just like what he lacked was not casual words of comfort from the others. But half a loaf was better than none. So, he accepted the flower, asked for a plastic bag to wrap it and then put it in his coat. Hospitals were short of wonder drugs prescribed by Ziyu Ai. Zhishu He took it easy, for there was still some medicine in his home. He went back without any medicine. He had been out for so long that his body was breaking down. Chapter 3 - "Where You Are, Where My Heart Is" A violent pain ripped through Zhishu Hes whole body when he was climbing the stairs of the apartment, as if numerous thorns were growing in his bone and waves of pain penetrated every pore. Although Zhishu He had the very strong tolerance, he could not stand this pain so that he almost wanted to kill himself to get rid of it. Zhishu He struggled to reach his house with the orchid in his arms. After he walked in the door, he immediately leant against the wall, feeling dizzy. He gasped for air and his body was awash with a cold sweat. He had liked to collect various beautiful glass bottles for appreciation since he was still a student, but now all the bottles were used to hold his medicines. There were different pills in different bottles. Misfortune was hidden in beauty and no one could see it. Zhishu He was too tired to heat up the water. He poured himself a cup of cold water and took the medicines. He huddled in bed and put his chin on the knees. The pain didnt relieve as if it had rooted deeply in his abdominal cavity. He was thin and his cheeks were hollow. Wenxu Jiang hadnt been home for 19 days. This was the first time he stayed out for so long. Zhishu He missed him all the time. A few days ago, he went to hospital for the bone marrow puncture. When he was waiting in the corridor, he heard the sobs of other patients clearly. But he was very calm and just asked the nurse one question-Can I stand up after doing this? I need to go home by myself. He was afraid that Wenxu Jiang would be worried if he came home and didnt see him. Zhishu He got a splitting headache, with his fingers curling and brows knitted. At this point, he was just like a drowning man who was so desperate because he failed to catch the driftwood anyway. He couldnt sleep, so he got out of the bed and unlocked the desk drawer. There was a book lying in it. He carefully took it out, went to the living room, and then sat down on the sofa. It was an old book of Zheng Janes essays. He gently opened the book while a faint gentle smile appeared on his face. The pages had yellowed with age. But on the first page, the sentence transcribed by Wenxu Jiang was still clear and firm. His handwriting was flowing and gracefulC Where you are, where my heart is. Fourteen years ago, a tall young boy gave Zhishu He this book, flushing up to the ears, and said in a stiff tone, I have heard that you like Zheng Janes essays, so I bought this book for you. I hope you will like it and like me too! Until now, Zhishu He still remembered Wenxu Jiangs shy face and loving eyes. Everything changed now, including the boy. Zhishu He bit his lips and held the book tightly in his arms. Then he curled up on the sofa, staring at the door with vacant eyes. He didnt cry but his heart was like dead ashes. In the evening, Wenxu Jiang finally went home. Hearing the sound of the key turning, Zhishu He woke up immediately and sat up slowly. The room was dark. Wenxu Jiang reached out to turn on the light and thought that Zhishu He must have slept in the bedroom. But Jiang didnt expect to see the man sitting on the sofa with a pale face, just like a ghost. Wenxu Jiang was taken aback and snarled, Oh, fuck! You scared me! Why didnt you turn on the light? He couldnt help feeling a bit irritated when he looked at his spouse. These days much of his time was spent with his new lover, an art student whose name was Zui Shen. After receiving the call from Zhishu He last night, for some unknown reasons, Wenxu Jiang got a guilty conscience and lost his interest in his new lover. So he decided to come home and see if something really happened to Zhishu He. I just woke up, when you came in. I didnt have time to turn on the light. Have you finished all the work yet? Zhishu He asked tenderly and put the book on the tea table. Wenxu Jiang took off his overcoat and threw it on the sofa without casting a glance at that book. He raised his hand to loosen his tie and lied with a straight face, No, I still have much work to do. But I miss you very much, so I come home to see you. You barely call me for days. Wenxu Jiang let his eyes settle upon Zhishu Hes face and slowly frowned. You seem thinner than before. Have you taken good care of yourself? You look like a drug addict and make me sick, he said coldly before he went to the bathroom to take a shower. Those merciless remarks cut Zhishu He to the quick and he felt as if a knife pierced through his heart. He knew clearly that Wenxu Jiang didnt cared about his health at all but felt disgusted at his haggard face and emaciated body. His new lover must be a beauty. Zhishu He curled his lips into a sarcastic smile. He wanted to live a happy life, but fate played a trick on him. He suffered from the illness and was wasting away. Now Wenxu Jiang scolded him for his weary-looking. Did he need to apologize for getting ugly? How ridiculous! Even the vendor of the wonton stall had noticed his ill health, even the doctor who had been accustomed to life and death advised him not to give up his life, but this man, who had been with him for more than ten years, was completely unaware of his sickness. Zhishu He knew Wenxu Jiang very well. He was such a cruel man that he would not show any tender and patience to someone whom he was not interested in. He used to love Zhishu He, but now he had a change of heart. All his love for Zhishu He had gone with wind. Now he was even unwilling to spare a glance for Zhishu. Zhishu He could do nothing about it. Chapter 4 - Could They Be Together Forever? Zhishu Hes heart had been gnawed away at by lies repeatedly told by Wenxu Jiang for these fourteen years. He was tired of lies and didnt want to waste his mental energy on those lies. Zhishu He almost fell asleep as Wenxu Jiang was taking a shower. When Wenxu Jiang lay on the bed and scooped Zhishu into his arms from his back, Jiang surprisingly found Zhishu actually skinnier than he looked. Wenxu Jiang was concerned about Zhishus condition, but he refrained from showing too much care and only asked, How much weight did you lose? I dont eat much as I dont have a good appetite recently, Zhishu He replied with coldness, whose eyes were full of faint disappointment. He didnt notice Zhishu Hes expression on his face. Wenxu Jiang began to kiss his back along Hes shoulder blade inch by inch, which was obviously one of his flirting skills, trying to sex He up. I am so tired, so I didnt want to make love, Zhishu He turned to Jiang and softly pushed him away. Wenxu Jiang didnt mean to have sex at the moment, because he had a lot of sex with his lovers these days. However, he was disappointed to be turned down by Zhishu He, who had always been compliant and agreeable. His face darkened a little for Hes refusal, You dont miss me these days? Zhishu He turned his back to him and lay down again. He turned off the lamp on the bedside table, Ive got a cold. I feel tired and want to sleep. Youd better not stay up too. Wenxu Jiang was not comfortable with abnormal behaviors of Zhishu He, who definitely hid a big secret from him. However, Zhishu He usually didnt speak much and seldom revealed his feelings, so he was hard to be seen through. What was more, Wenxu Jiang had been out of home for so many days, he knew he didnt stand a position to accuse He, so he turned his back to Zhishu He and decided to sleep. The eyes of Zhishu He were wide open in the dark. He was still suffering from the headache because of the insomnia which had lasted for more than ten days. He expected to be comforted a little by Wenxu Jiangs return; however, it only turned out to be a more torturing situation. Zhishu Hes mother once doubted whether their relationship could last forever, with no legal protection, no blessing from family and friends, and even no child of their own to bond with each other. How could Zhishu He merely depend on love to sustain their relationship? As Wenxu Jiangs favorite, He could be easily replaced, since some characteristics which used to attract Jiang could also be owned by others, probably by better ones. People were saying that love would soon come to an end if one party began expecting to maintain the relationship by former affection. Leaving Jiang was his last choice, He thought, as he gently turned around to look at Wenxu Jiang who was sound asleep. He softly put his arms around Jiangs waist, whispering, Its less than one year I dont care that you have other lovers as long as you keep them outside. I just want peace Wenxu Jiang who was still in a deep sleep, instinctively held Zhishu He into his arms at once, and rubbed the soft hair of Zhishu He with his face, murmuring, Little Shu. The tears appeared in the eyes of Zhishu He, dropped into the sideburns, and then immediately disappeared. It was too hard to resist Jiangs gentle love, even if He knew it was just a sleep talk. It was Zhishu He who was courted in the first place, and over the years it was also Zhishu He who gave most for their relationship. When their business became stable, Zhishu He took Jiangs advice to retire from work and stay at home to take care of Jiang; in fact, it was because Wenxu Jiang didnt want Zhishu He to meet other men. Zhishu had no complaint but started to learn to do housework and cook. His shares in the company were also given to Wenxu Jiang. Now Zhishu He was facing to lose his fortune as well as his love. Zhishu He even didnt have as much money as Wenxu Jiangs lovers had. The treatment of his illness costed him a lot. The reason that He asked for more time of consideration was because he was more afraid of revealing his poor financial situation rather than the illness itself. You cant be so cruel to meI have been never really angry with you but if you continue to be like this, I would disappear in your life, and never return again After saying that, Zhishu He realized how ridiculous it was to say so. He couldnt help wondering whether his life would be totally different if he had chosen another way of life, instead of Wenxu Jiang. Otherwise, he would have had his own friends, and a true love for the rest of his life, blessed by his family and friends; he would have had his own happiness as an ordinary person would have. Chapter 5 - Suspicion Caused by a Potted Orchid However, the man lying beside Zhishu He gave him the courage to fight against death. Though he was hurt badly by Wenxu Jiangs indifference, he still lived in hope that they would be reconciled. Maybe this was the so-called love, which could hurt you, but also could save your soul and give your courage. Zhishu He was really popular since childhood. He had got good academic records, gentle character and handsome appearance, and his clear and mild eyes had attracted so many girls. When he was a student, girls around him groveled to him as long as he gave them a gentle look. He was very good at studying but he didnt go to the university; instead, he left his hometown and eloped with Wenxu Jiang. After he began to work, still so many people, including rich women, rich men, boys and girls, were attracted to him. But Zhishu He never changed his mind of loving Jiang. He once almost drank to death for their business. Although he knew that he could achieve his goal easily as long as he slept with the cooperators, he never cuckolded Jiang. At that time, Jiang was under great pressure at work, so he always gave Zhishu He rough treatment when they had sex. Afterwards, their company developed and gained a foothold in the market. Zhishu He was gradually ignored by Wenxu Jiang. Jiang didnt allow Zhishu to deal with public relations any more, and rarely had intimate sex with him. Zhishu He got out of bed quietly and sat on the sofa. He took a cigarette out of the cigarette case and lit it up. When he was young, he valued his health very much, but drinking and the second-hand smoke ruined it in that decade. Even though what he had suffered was all due to Jiang, he never regretted his decision of being together with Jiang. He loved Jiang with his heart and soul. Zhishu He had loved Wenxu Jiang for fourteen years, now his love was slowly disappearing in suspicion. He had been disappointed for so long that he despaired of their future. In the beginning, he tolerated Wenxu Jiangs betrayal because of his deep love, but now it became a habit, or maybe he became indifferent to Jiangs affairs. Zhishu He slumbered on the sofa for a while, and when he woke up early in the morning, he found himself running a fever. He poured out some pills into his palm and waited for the water to boil. Why did you get up so early? I felt uneasy when I opened my eyes and found you were not in the bed, Wenxu Jiang complained like a spoiled child. His hair was uncombed, which made him look much younger than his age. Im accustomed to getting up early. I havent made breakfast and you can go out for it, Zhishu He said in an indifferent tone as he added some hot water to the cold water in his cup, and then took a handful of pills. Wenxu Jiang was offended by Zhishus indifference. He was about to lose his temper but held back the anger in time at the sight of Zhishu taking pills, and asked with concern, You look pale. Are you sick? Its getting cold and I caught a cold, Zhishu He smiled and continued. Nothing serious. Arent you going to the company today? Wenxu Jiang heard the irony in Zhishus voice. He lowered his head, feeling somewhat guilty, and answered, No. Today I want to stay home with you. Zhishu He didnt show any pleasure at Jiangs words. He put the pot on the gas range and said, Okay. I will cook some noodles with tomato soup for you. Good, Wenxu Jiang was relieved and lay down on the sofa leisurely, waiting for his breakfast. The smell of lampblack made Zhishu He sick, and he could not help but think that Jiang was born to be his bane. He just put the noodles into the hot soup before he heard Wenxu Jiangs voice coming from the living room, You bought an orchid? I remember that you dont like growing flowers before. Zhishu He paused his movement while replying, My friend gave it to me, and I just keep it for fun. When did you make a friend? Do I know him? This orchid is rare and expensive. Did he present you with this just to make you happy? Wenxu Jiang fired several questions. His jealousy annoyed Zhishu He. How dared Wenxu Jiang scold him after playing around with his lovers? Jiang was the most shameless man He had ever seen! He was too angry to answer Jiangs questions. Zhishu He! Jiang said stiffly, Answer my questions! You can stay out and have fun with your friends. Why cant I do the same thing? Zhishu He turned off the gas cooker, leaving the half-cooked noodles in the pot to stick together. Wenxu Jiang flew into a rage with shame, What the hell did you mean? I worked hard in the company to make money for you. You treat me as a playboy? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Zhishu He sneered, For me? Are you kidding me? I gave you thirty percent of the companys shares. And this house is our joint property. I dont need your money, Wenxu Jiang. Hearing Zhishu Hes pointed remarks, Jiang was vexed and somewhat terrified of Zhishus sudden anger and unrelenting criticism, but he didnt admit defeat and quickly retorted, Are you afraid that I would find your amour? This orchid is worth a down payment of a new house. Your new lover was so generous that you have fallen love with him? So thats the real reason that you refused to have sex with me, right? Zhishu He really didnt know that this orchid was so expensive; otherwise, he would not have accepted it. He didnt expect Doctor Ai to be so rich and generous. Anyway, he didnt have an affair with others but Wenxu Jiang did. And he felt uncomfortable for the illness. So Zhishu He got angrier and scolded, If you dont want to stay at home, just get out of here. I dont care what you have done outside, and you are not qualified to meddle in my affairs. Wenxu Jiang fell into a towering rage and took two steps forward. He lifted his hand and was about to slap Zhishu. Zhishu He gazed at him with a heartbroken expression, tears rolling down his cheeks, and then he asked, Do you really want to slap me? His tears pricked Wenxu Jiangs heart. He put his hand down and felt helpless. There are so many boys and girls outside waiting for me. Since you dont cherish my love, Ill leave right now! he thought with a grievance, took his coat and went straight out of the house without looking back at Zhishu. Zhishu He frowned and wiped away his tears. He filled the bowl with noodles and sat at the table. Although he lost his appetite in the quarrel, he still tried hard to swallow the noodles. He was sick of both noodles and Wenxu Jiang, but at least, noodles would not hurt his heart. However, a few minutes later, he vomited up all he had just eaten and even spat out a mouthful of blood. Love not only hurt his feelings, but also hurt his body. Chapter 6 - Doctor Ai Zhishu He stayed in the bathroom, waiting for the sense of nausea to disappear, and then he went to the bedroom and changed his clothes. He held the orchid in his arms and walked out of the house. The winter in the north was dry and cold, wind always blowing. Zhishu He wore his thickest down jacket and spent more than 80 Yuan on taking a taxi to the hospital. When Ziyu Ai heard the sound of knocking on the door and turned around, he saw a person dressed like a creamy-white ball rolling into his office. The person pulled his scarf down and showed a thin, pale face, which succeeded in stopping Ziyu Ais laughter. Doctor Ai, Zhishu He greeted him with a gentle expression. Ziyu Ai immediately poured a cup of hot water and handed it to Zhishu. He frowned when he touched Zhishus icy cold fingertips, and asked concernedly, Its very cold outside. Are you here to get your medicines? Yes, by the way, Zhishu He smiled and put the orchid on Ziyu Ais table, and continued, I bring your house back to you. Someone told me that it was worth a down payment of a house. It was the first time that Zhishu He spoke to Ziyu Ai in such a joking tone, though they had known each other for almost two months. Ziyu Ai ran his fingers along the withered long leaves of the orchid and said in a careless voice, Its just a plant. If you think its too delicate to keep, I will ask my father for some other plants that are easy to grow for you. He grows a lot of plants. Zhishu He didnt want to accept his kindness as he had no energy to make a friend. He just twisted his lips into a faint smile and changed the subject, I vomited again this morning, and this time I even vomited blood. It was different from the gastric bleeding that I suffered a few years ago because of drinking too much. This morning when I vomited, I felt my life slowly fading away. I have advised you to accept the chemotherapy as soon as possible Ziyu Ai frowned and subconsciously began to spin the pen, which showed that he fretted. You are only thirty years old and still young. And you look rich. Why dont you actively cooperate with us on the treatment? I need to think it over, Zhishu He dropped his eyes wearily. Two months ago, you said the same words. Do you want to just take the medicines and hang on till the New year? Ziyu Ai said. Zhishu He picked the cup up and drank some warm water without answering his question. Then he asked, Have my medicines arrived here? Im not feeling good now. If you dont accept the chemotherapy, I wont give you the medicines, Ziyu Ai got angry for some reasons. I have been looking for the bone marrow for you these days, but if you dont take your health seriously, no one can save you! Ziyu Ais words warmed Zhishus heart, and he broke into a sincere smile, You are a good doctor, and if all doctors are like you, there wont be so many doctor-patient conflicts in the world. Dont flatter me, Ziyu Ai stood up and took off his white gown. Im off duty this afternoon. Now lets go straight to the Medicine Center and get your medicines. You need a new prescription, but I dont want to write it. So Ill go with you. You are so wayward. Zhishu He sighed and could not help reminding Ziyu Ai when he saw him just wear a thin windbreaker, Its so cold outside. You need a thick coat. Ziyu Ai didnt take his words to heart. They went together to the Medicine Center. After getting the medicines, Zhishu He thanked him and turned around to leave, but he was stopped by Ziyu Ai. Let me drive you home. Its not easy to hail a taxi in such a cold day. In consideration of the cold weather and own poor health, Zhishu He agreed. When he saw Ziyu Ais car, he got a new understanding of his riches. It was a Ferrari, looking eye-catching. The doctor was even more high-profile and extravagant than Wenxu Jiang. I dont like to be regarded as a good-for-nothing born in a wealthy family, so I studied hard to be an excellent doctor, and my father is proud of me now, Ziyu Ais nerves relieved after leaving the hospital. He looked vigorous as he drove the car. Zhishu He looked out the window for a while before he whispered, I used to want to be a doctor and filled three medical universities names in my College Application Form You failed in the college entrance examination? I didnt take the exam, Zhishu He said with a blank expression on his face. After that, for a long time I easily woke up from sleep with crying. Though I didnt regret my decision, it always came to my dream and tortured me. Ziyu Ai was very considerate. He kept silence for a few minutes, waiting for Zhishu He to calm down, before he said in an ostensibly lively tune, Now you live well and your house is in a very good position. Maybe it is a good decision for you to discontinue your studies. If my father didnt pay for my university education, now I would live a hard life. Zhishu He slightly smiled and stopped talking about his past. Finally, he asked Ziyu Ai to park at the entrance of the housing estate. Thank you, Doctor Ai. When you are free, I will invite you to dinner. Come on, if you have time, just go to the hospital and let me treat you, Ziyu Ai said in Beijing dialect. He was a humorous and charming man in private. Zhishu He waved good-bye to Ziyu Ai and stood still, watching him drive away. Then he tightened up the scarf around his neck and turned around to go home when he saw Wenxu Jiangs car parked on the side of the road. Chapter 7 - Conflict The Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard at the roadside had tinted windows so that Zhishu He couldnt see whether Wenxu Jiang was in it or not. He waited for a while but no one got out of it, so he went straight home. There was nobody at home. Zhishu He changed his shoes and sat on the sofa, and then he heard the sound of the key turning. Wenxu Jiang had sunk into bitter jealousy as soon as he walked out of the house this morning. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of Zhishu making friends with some unknown man outside as he knew clearly about mens odious natural character and feared that Zhishu would cheat on him. From his point of view, he could find a lover and have an affair, but he didnt allow Zhishu He to do the same things. He didnt trust the new friend of Zhishu. Wenxu Jiang sat in the car and thought for a long time before he decided to return home and had to have a heart-to-heart talk with Zhishu. Although he had been tired of Zhishu Hes uninteresting personality and monotonous sexual skills, he felt a moment of pure panic of losing his spouse. He didnt expect Zhishu He also went out after he just left the home. Whos the man? I saw him send you back! Wenxu Jiang opened the door and said with a surge of great fury, Couldnt the cold weather cool your sexual desire down? Zhishu He pressed his temples and replied, Its just a friend. The friend who gave you the orchid? Wenxu Jiang slammed the door shut with a bang. How did you know him? Can you introduce me to your new friend? Hes a doctor, and I got to know him when I went to the hospital to get some medicines, Zhishu He said in an emotionless tone as he slowly took his down jacket off, folded it carefully, and then put it down on the sofa. Wenxu Jiang sneered, He must be an excellent doctor. Alright, where is your medicine? He just looked at Zhishu with cold doubtful eyes and showed no concern for Zhishu Hes illness. He didnt ask Zhishu how long he had been ill and if he often went to the hospital to see the doctor. He only cared about whether Zhishu cuckolded him or not. I left it in his car, Zhishu He curled his lips into an ironical smile, as he finally realized that Jiang had a double standard and they were unequal at all in this love. He looked up at Jiangs eyes and said, Take it easy. Although the doctor is a charming man whos young, rich and tender, he is dissatisfied with me. So, we wont be together. Having spent years on business, Wenxu Jiang was able to control his temper but he always behaved like an ill-tempered boy in front of Zhishu He. His eyes reddened as he grasped Zhishus collar and said, Do you want to be with him? Its hard to tell whats going on in the minds of other people. So, dont ask me that. Even I say no, you wont believe me, will you? Zhishu He could not shake Jiangs hands off; instead, he felt his face burning for the lack of air. You must get lonely because I didnt return home for several days. You are eager to seek a lover, right? Zhishu He, I really didnt know you well before, Wenxu Jiang suddenly shoved Zhishu down on the sofa, and looked down at him with a contemptuous expression on the face. Although Zhishu He was gentle and quiet, he had his own principles and couldnt bear these insulting remarks. Good, you have seen through my mind. Now, what? Are you scared by me? he completely gave up arguing with Jiang. These words needled Wenxu Jiang and he raised his hand and gave Zhishu a hard slap on the cheek. Zhishu He was completely stunned. His brain was in buzz before he felt the pain in his cheek. The slap brought his thoughts back to the past. In the past, they had many quarrels with each other and even exchanged blows, but Wenxu Jiang never slapped his face. Jiang used to treat Zhishu as a treasure and always vented his anger by screwing Zhishu on the bed. It was the first time that Jiang slapped Zhishus face, which gave Zhishu a huge blow. Zhishu He didnt feel any pleasure for Jiangs jealousy and suspicion. He only felt a chill creeping over his heart as he knew that Wenxu Jiang got angry just because of the possessiveness which had nothing to do with love. When Jiang really loved someone, he would be very jealous but never show it, just as what he had done to Zhishu in the past. Like a wild wolf pretending to be a faithful dog, he would hide all his anger and envy, and rush back home immediately as long as Zhishu called him. He would look at Zhishu with watery eyes and say in a worried, aggrieved and straight-out tone, I am jealous Can you stay away from him? Youve ignored me for several days. When he really cared about someone, he wouldnt hurt his sweetheart by sarcasm and slaps. Chapter 8 - Lets Break Up Wenxu Jiang regretted as soon as he slapped Zhishu He. These years he ran a big company and people around him all fawned on him. Gradually, he became egocentric and couldnt bear to be offended by other people. But he never wanted to hurt Zhishu He. You shouldnt bicker with me over an outsider. Though Wenxu Jiang felt somewhat guilty, he covered it with a self-righteous face and said, You friend must not be a good guy. Keep away from him. Zhishu He pushed Jiang aside and sat upright. He raised his hand and touched his swollen cheek lightly with a mocking smile on his face. I dont think you are a good man. Maybe I should keep away from you first. In the beginning, I felt we would be together for a lifetime no matter how difficult it might be. The seven-year itch didnt separate us and we have lived together for more than ten years. But now we both have changed. Someone changes for own decision while the other just has to, Zhishu He closed his eyes, feeling a sense of helplessness, and made up his mind to quit their relationship as he was tired of Jiangs suspicion and jealousy, and this hopeless relationship. Lets break up. I dont want to wait for a spouse who seldom comes back home, Zhishu said in a soft voice with a faint smile on his face. He was calm and relaxed as if he just had a casual chat with his lover. Wenxu Jiang was stunned for a few moments before he said bitterly, Right. You have a new lover. Now you want to break up with me and be together with him? No way! I wont let you go! I have given you thirty percent of the companys shares. Isnt it enough to compensate for your time wasted on me? Zhishu He said ironically. You reminded me. This house is under my name. When we bought the house, you thought it troublesome to register the house as our joint property. So you didnt sign your name. Legally, Im the only owner, Wenxu Jiang sneered. If you really want to break up with me, you will be penniless. Oh, I forget that you have got a new lover. He will take care of you. And in this way, you dont need this house at all, right? Zhishu He frowned, his eyes full of sadness and exhaustion, his smile slowly disappearing, and then he sighed gently, Jiang, why are you so cruel? After all, weve been together for fourteen years. Its a long time. For some reason, a spasm of pain contorted Wenxu Jiangs face and shot up his heart. He came up to Zhishu, put his arm around Zhishus shoulders, and then said softly, Zhishu, I dont want to break up with you. I am just kidding. You know Im bad-tempered and sometimes talk nonsense. Why did you anger me on purpose? Lets forget what I said just now and Lets break up, Zhishu He said again, as he picked his cell phone on the tea table up and sent a short message to Ziyu Ai-I decide to accept the chemotherapy. Wenxu Jiang tried his best to choke back his rage so that his whole body was trembling and his temples were throbbing. Dont play a trick on me, Zhishu He. Im serious. You know, when I make a decision, I never take it back, said Zhishi He. Wenxu Jiang clenched his teeth. Suddenly, he grabbed Zhishus wrist and pulled him out of the house. Okay, you are a fucking courageous man. Get out of here! Now! At first, Wenxu Jiang thought it was just a normal quarrel but never expected that Zhishu would split up with him. He couldnt tell the feeling he had suffered now was caused by the anger or fear. His heart was overwhelmed with the distress, and at this point, he only wanted to give vent to his anger. Zhishu He was shut out of the house by Wenxu Jiang. He wore only thin shirt, unlined trousers and cotton slippers. It was not cold in the high-end apartment. But Zhishu He was too weak to leave the apartment because of his illness. He squatted down, held his knees and buried his face between them, his body slightly shivering. His nose began to bleed again. He wiped it with his shirt casually, and had a splitting headache; his eyesight grew dim. He felt cold and bitterly disappointed. In his eyes, the man he had loved for fourteen years became strange and distant. Zhishu He got a fever. In the twilight state caused by pain and fever, he seemed to see a ray of light pouring into the dark corridor and a tall, handsome boy with a basketball in his hands walking toward him. The boy wore a bright smile, like a silly wolfhound, his eyes full of adoration. Chapter 9 - Jasmine in Memory At first, Wenxu Jiang and Zhishu He were ordinary classmates. Jiang was admitted to their high school as a student skilled in art. He excelled at sport but disliked studying. He always slept or drew pictures in class. In contrast with him, Zhishu He was a straight-A student who was good-looking and very popular among their classmates and teachers. Although he was not voluble and gregarious, he was well received because of his gentle smile which could melt peoples hearts. Afterwards, they became desk-mates by accident. The first thing Wenxu Jiang said to Zhishu He was You smell good. Zhishu Hes grandfather had got a yard full of the jasmines. In the florescence, their house was full of the fragrance of jasmine flowers and Zhishu was wearing the same fragrance. The next day, Zhishu He picked some jasmine flowers and gave them to Wenxu Jiang. Jiang gave him a big smile, rubbed his head and said, Thank you. Wenxu Jiang was thoughtful. He knew that Zhishu hated to be disturbed in study, so he quietly slept or drew in class, and after class, he went to play basketball with a group of boys. Many girls in their class liked Jiang and often talked about him at break. As a student, Wenxu Jiang was also afraid of being scolded by their class teacher. So sometimes he would come to school early and only asked Zhishu He for the exercise book as bold as brass, Little Shu, can I copy your homework? I havent finished it. Help me, please. Zhishu He always compromised with Jiang. They got along with each other as normal desk-mates. One day when Zhishu came upstairs, he saw Wenxu Jiang come down the stairs in a daze. Suddenly, Jiang missed his footing and fell to the ground, scraping his knee, which terrified Zhishu. He rushed to Jiang and helped him up. Wenxu Jiang put his chin on Zhishus shoulder, gasping with pain. You smell nice. Just now you caught my eye, so I missed my footing, he whispered in Zhishus ear. Zhishu He was stunned by these words. After that day, they felt much closer to each other. Wenxu Jiang often took Zhishu He to watch his basketball games and had him keep his coat and water bottle. The adorers of Jiang were upset but could do nothing since Jiang only allowed He to touch his belongings. Every time Zhishu He was present, Jiang put up a good performance as if he had taken stimulants. Then one day, Zhishu He accidentally found that Wenxu Jiang, who hated reading most, was reading a foreign poetry anthology. He held the book and frowned in bewilderment, trying hard to understand the meaning of the poetry. Do you want to be a poet? Zhishu He asked in a teasing tone. Wenxu Jiang raised his eyebrows and said confidently, Yesterday I heard you talk about this book with the study cadre (a student in charge of studies in the class). Since he could fully understand it, I think I can do the same thing. You can discuss with me later. Zhishu He smiled and said, I dont like this book. The study cadre likes some non-mainstream poems, but I like Zheng Janes writing. She is a famous authoress in Taiwan. In early June of that year, Zhishu He took Wenxu Jiang to his grandfathers yard to see the jasmine flowers which were about to wither. They walked slowly for more than an hour before they arrived at the grandfathers house. When they were near the yard, a slight breeze rose, wafting the lovely scent of flowers to them. Wenxu Jiang suddenly held Zhishu He, leaning his head against Zhishus neck. He took a sniff and said with smiling eyes, Its the same fragrance as yours. Zhishu, you smell nice. Zhishu He blushed at his words. From then on, Wenxu Jiang began to study hard. He stopped playing basketball during breaks; instead, he drew pictures. One day the physics teacher asked Wenxu Jiang to move the exercise books of all the students to his office. A gust of wind blew over their desk and opened Jiangs sketch book. Zhishu Hes heart skipped a beat at the sight of the pictures in sketch book which was full of Zhishus portraits. Wenxu Jiang had drawn Zhishu He carefully from every angle, and every lifelike portrait seemed to speak his love. In the final exam of Senior Two, Zhishu He got the first place and Wenxu Jiang took the second. Jiang asked Zhishu out and held his hand at the end of an alley. He gave Zhishu a book of Zheng Jane and said in a soft, loving voice, I have heard that you like Zheng Janes essays, so I bought this book for you. I hope you will like itand like me too! At that time, Wenxu Jiang was seventeen years old and they fell in love. They had been together for fourteen years and went through many ups and downs. Now, Wenxu Jiang was thirty-one years old, and Zhishu He was thirty. Chapter 10 - It Just Felt like a Rape Zhishu He tilted his head with a desolate look on his face. He gawked at the dark corridor and recalled their sweet days with the fragrance of jasmine flowers. When Jiang was seventeen, he coaxed Zhishu into having sex with him on Jiangs birthday. Now Zhishu could only remember the pain when they first made love. The sweetness and love between them disappeared as the years went by. Now only disappointment was left. These years Wenxu Jiang had seen lots of beautiful girls and boys. He got fed up with Zhishu Hes monotony. Moreover, Zhishu lost the fragrance of jasmine flowers and became pale and weak due to housework and illness. After a while, the door was opened from the inside. Wenxu Jiang looked down at him and said coldly, Come in now or stay outside all night, choose one. Zhishu He struggled to stand up with his numb legs and took faltering steps to the bathroom, suffering the heartache for the affection between them wore off. The most painful thing was not you never got true love, but that the best you got was gone now. Wenxu Jiang originally intended to vent his remaining anger on Zhishue as he really got irritated by the cruelty of Zhishus words, wondering what was wrong with Zhishu who even dared to break up with him now. But Jiang froze at the sight of Zhishus shirt stained with blood. Zhishu He took off his clothes, turned on the hot shower and stood under it. The hot water flowed through his whole body, washing every inch of his skin. He looked thinner in the steam. What did you do outside the door? Wenxu Jiang asked with the bloodstained shirt in his hands. I got a nosebleed, Zhishu He answered in a flat tone and lifted his hand to wipe the water from his face. Why didnt you knock on the door? If I knew that, I would let you in, Wenxu Jiang threw the bloodstained shirt aside. He shut the bathroom door and walked toward Zhishu He, while he stripped off his clothes and threw them in the laundry basket. Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu He in his arms and kissed him, his hands groping Zhishu from the waist to the chest. Jiang slowly frowned and complained, Have you taken drugs? You are skinny now. Zhishu He shook his head and said nothing. Wenxu Jiang ignored his indifference and reached out his hand to turn down the shower. Then he pinned Zhishu against the wall and kissed him hard on the lips, his hand kneading Zhishus waist, one of his erogenous zones. Zhishu He shivered when his back touched the icy cold ceramic tiles. He was too tired to cater to Wenxu Jiang. Jiang tried his best to arouse his desire, which only made Zhishu feel sick. Although Zhishu He didnt hire a detective to snoop on Jiang, he knew clearly that Jiang had many lovers outside. Let me go. Im tired, and I dont want to make love with you, Zhishu He turned his head and closed his eyes with exhaustion. Wenxu Jiang paused for a second, and reached out a hand to grab Zhishus chin. You dont want to make love with me? he said angrily with a suspicious look. Zhishu He felt pain and tried to push Jiangs hand away, but he failed. He gave up struggling and said chillily, Yes. It was like a bomb exploding in Wenxu Jiangs heart, which completely kindled his anger. I see, he sneered and turned off the shower. Then he caught Zhishu He by the wrist and pulled him out of the bathroom. But I want to check your body and make clear whether you have slept with another man or not. Zhishu Hes heart was broken when he heard these slanderous remarks. Wenxu Jiang dragged him to the master bedroom. When Zhishu was pushed down on the bed, he began to suffer from dizzy spells. They both didnt dry themselves, so the sheet soon got wet. The temperature in the room was low because Wenxu Jiang didnt turn on the air-conditioner. Zhishu lay on the bed, feeling cold all over, his body slightly shivering. Wenxu Jiang was much taller than he was 14 years ago. He was 185 centimeters in height now, with kind of oppressive momentum. Zhishu He used to feel secure and protected when he was with Jiang, but now he only felt panic. Zhishu He struggled hard to get free because he didnt want to be treated as a tool of venting lust by Jiang. It would bring humiliation on him. But at this moment, Wenxu Jiang had lost his marbles. These two days he was overwhelmed with the subconscious anxiety and fear of losing his spouse so that he needed to screw Zhishu and make sure that he wouldnt leave him. Otherwise, he would get insane. Wenxu Jiang tied the necktie around Zhishu Hes wrist, pulled him closer to his chest and plunged deep into him. Zhishu didnt feel good but had no strength to escape. Wenxu Jiang was still young and strong enough to trap Zhishu in his arms. Zhishu He gave up struggling and fell into despair since it just felt like arape. Wenxu Jiang planted lots of love bites on Zhishu Hes neck. He bit Zhishus nipple and achieved his first orgasm. Soon his penis got erect again. He turned Zhishu He around and entered his body from behind. Jiang clutched Zhishus waist hard and said with a malicious smile on his face, You are smarter than before. Is that a flirtatious trick? I like it. Indeed, it is much more fascinating compared with being starfishing. You have aroused my lust. That night, Zhishu He suffered a lot. He even wished that he could die at once. At last, Wenxu Jiang hurt him because he failed to well control his strength. Zhishu began to bleed. It was hard for Zhishu He to stop bleeding because he had the coagulopathy. Chapter 11 - Fool, Do You Know You Will Lose Me Forever?” Fortunately, the tears in the intestinal wall were just small wounds, so it didnt take long for the blood to coagulate. But it took Zhishu He quite a while to regain his strength to take a shower and clean up the mess. When he came out of the bathroom, Wenxu Jiang had been fast asleep. By the faint yellow light from the bedside lamp, Zhishu He peered closely at the man he had loved for so long, who had such a pure and handsome appearance. Jiang had sharp and deep facial lines, high and straight nose and stylish and thick eyebrows, all of which made him an attractive man. Wenxu Jiang was destined to be a man who would get more attractive with the increase of age. However, Zhishu He knew well that it was almost impossible for him to see how handsome Wenxu Jiang was several years later. You should treat me better, for Im leaving lying on the side of Wenxu Jiang, Zhishu He wrapped his arms around Jiangs waist. With a slight choke in his voice, Zhishu He said, Be nice to your new lover I am easygoing after all. Try to find someone who can bring good luck for you and can accompany you for a long time Zhishu He finally burst out crying after a pause for a long time, Fool, do you know you will lose me forever? For the whole night, Wenxu Jiang slept tiredly, not as peacefully as usual. He, in a daze, had a very real dream in the wee hours; in the dream, he was waiting for a coach with young Zhishu. The coach came and Zhishu left with a smile, waving goodbye to him. Wenxu Jiang felt afraid at that moment, so he cried and begged Zhishu to stay, running after the coach, but it was useless. Zhishu went farther and farther in the coach that never returned Everyone might have such a dream. You dreamed your loved ones (family members, spouse or friends) left you, and in the dream, you were so sad that you would cry out of breath and even woke up crying. Though you became awake, the depression, loneliness, heartache and remembrance from the dream gathered together, so deep that it could barely disperse. At least, the feeling was true at the moment when you just woke up. Wenxu Jiang woke up with cold sweat all over, stretching his hand around to feel his partner. At the moment when he touched the warm body of Zhishu He, he rested assured and held Zhishu He to his chest tightly. It was over six thirty in the morning. Zhishu He was woken up by Wenxu Jiang. After Long eyelashes fluttered twice, He opened his eyes, but felt so uncomfortable. There was a throbbing pain in the unspeakable place in his body. Zhishu Wenxu Jiang nuzzled the neck of Zhishu He like a big dog seeking intimate contact from his master, Its horrible. I dreamed you left me. Zhishu He did not have a good rest and asked in a daze, Where do I leave for? Ive no idea, but I dont allow you to go anywhere. Zhishu He hadnt got good sleep for a long time, so he was dizzy and fell asleep again in the arms of Wenxu Jiang. Nobody knew whether he heard what Wenxu Jiang said or not. Maybe he had heard it but couldnt answer at all. Wenxu Jiang was exceptionally well-behaved today. He put the phone on mute and did not care about his lovers outside. At about 7:00 a.m., before Zhishu He got up, he had walked out of the bedroom cautiously without any noise to prepare breakfast. Zhishu He was surprised at what Wenxu Jiang did when he came out, then he chuckled, I wonder how long you havent cooked for me. Sometimes, Wenxu Jiang hurt Zhishus feelings first and then he would be nice to Zhishu for apology. At least, Jiang still had a guilty conscience and knew that he should do something to maintain this apparent prosperity of their relationship, much as Zhishu He had done. Wenxu Jiang replied in a while, Last year, maybe. That day you had a low fever all night, and didnt feel like eating anything, so I made a pot of millet gruel for you. In fact, Zhishu He had no interest in this topic, so he turned into the study, took medicine and then came out. Wenxu Jiang put a bowl of rice porridge and two plates of pickles in front of Zhishu He, Did I hurt you last night? Zhishu He shook his head, as if nothing had happened. He did not want to recall a little bit of what he experienced last night. He only had half of the porridge. He actually wanted to eat more of what Wenxu Jiang made, while he could still swallow. But it was difficult. After taking a handful of medicine, he had already been half full. How could he eat anything more? No wonder No wonder that you have lost weight. You eat so less as a cat, Wenxu Jiang frowned. If you get thinner, it will be uncomfortable to hug you. Zhishu He forced himself to eat more, and then smiled helplessly at Wenxu Jiang, I should eat less. How about making a hearty lunch for me? Chapter 12 - Brother Jiang, Be Nice to Me Henceforward… It was cold and the snow outside didnt melt yet. Zhishu He looked out of the French window and saw the snowflakes on the ground be picked up by the wind and whirl in the air. He held a hot-water bag in his arms and lay huddled up in the rattan chair. Then he exchanged short messages with Ziyu Ai. You left your medicines in my car. Shall I deliver them to your house after work? Zhishu He smiled and texted him, No, you neednt. Tomorrow I will go to the hospital and take them back. It wasnt long before Ziyu Ai replied- Yesterday I called you several times, but you didnt answer. Is it convenient for you to answer the phone now? Can I call you? A wry smile spread over Zhishu Hes face and he thought for a while before replying. We will meet tomorrow. If you have something to talk to me, leave it tomorrow. After sending the message to Ziyu Ai, Zhishu He waited for a while but didnt receive a new one. So he decided to watch the news, but soon he felt tired and fell asleep in the chair. Later, he was roused from sleep by the feeling of being smothered. He opened his eyes, still half asleep, and saw Jiang pinching his nose. Zhishu He shook Jiangs hand off and showed a cute pouty expression on his face, as a kind of childlike innocence shone in his sleepy eyes. Zhishu with a pettishly charming manner melted Wenxu Jiangs heart. Jiang touched Zhishus soft hair and suddenly realized that he hadnt seen Zhishu act like a spoiled child in front of him for three or four years. Zhishu was his first love, and maybe Jiang would get tired of Zhishu but he never wanted to split with Zhishu. Zhishu He narrowed his eyes and smiled with a small dimple appearing in his left cheek. He muttered in a mild sweet voice, Brother Jiang After staying in Beijing for so many years, Wenxu Jiang had completely changed his local accent into the Beijing accent. But Zhishu He remained the accent of their hometown, Hangzhou, which was world-famous for its west lake and beautiful scenery. He was so stubborn that he wouldnt give up things easily, whether it was his accent or his love for Jiang. Wenxu Jiang was in a daze for a while. When he came back to earth, Zhishu He fell asleep again. He sighed and covered Zhishu with a blanket. Then he went back to the study and saw his cell phone vibrating. He picked it up and was annoyed to see a lot of missed calls that all came from Zui Shen. Wenxu Jiang cuckolded Zhishu He for several years. At first, he had an affair with other people just for fun. In truth, he was a rich, unmarried, handsome man, so many men and women were charmed by him and even chased after him on their own initiative. As time went on, he gradually wallowed in the freewheeling sex with his lovers outside. Zhishu He was a good spouse but he was too shy to pander to Jiangs liking in terms of sex. Wenxu Jiang always felt unsatisfied, but he was loath to treat Zhishu as a tool of venting his ravenous lust. So he always, in a violent way, vented his uncontrollable lust on his lovers, who were willing to bear that. The first few times he felt guilty after having an affair with his lover. When he came home, he did everything he could to please Zhishu to get rid of the guilt and conceal his panic. But as time passed, his guilt and panic completely disappeared and he got into the habit of committing adultery with others. In the beginning, he made excuses to put a good face on his unfaithful acts. He even thought that Zhishu He would find his improper relationship with others and quarrel with him, and by then he would make a clean break with his lovers and be good. However, Zhishu He showed no interest in his infidelities and turned a blind eye to his mistakes, which let Wenxu Jiang down. So he went outside more often and gave Zhishu the cold shoulder. Now Wenxu Jiang felt guilty again. His intuition told him that something was wrong. He sensed the strong determination in Zhishu Hes attitude, which bothered him. But Zhishu showed no intention of leaving. All that made Jiang confused. Zhishu He didnt like strangers entering his house, so he always did housework by himself. This morning he felt too sick to wash the sheet and clothes so that the sheet was still left in the laundry basket. Wenxu Jiang got into a panic when he saw the bloodstains on it. Wenxu Jiang knew that Zhishu was afraid of pain not because he wasnt mentally tough enough but because of his special constitution. He was highly sensitive to the pain and even a small wound would leave a scar on his body. Wenxu Jiang remembered clearly the first time he made love with Zhishu He. The boy with bright black eyes lay under Jiang, slightly trembling with pain. He looked afraid but didnt refuse or resist. He just whimpered and groaned in a sweet voice, Brother Jiang, be nice to me henceforward Wenxu Jiang got a sharp pain in his heart when he recalled his promise to Zhishu. Chapter 13 - The Most Valuable Thing in the World Zhishu He slept for more than twenty minutes before waking up. Today he felt better though last night he had violent sex with Wenxu Jiang. In the kitchen, Wenxu Jiang was making the lunch. Zhishu He stood at the kitchen door, looking at Jiang quietly. He hadnt enjoyed such a quiet and harmonious day for so long. Wenxu Jiang had a nice figure with broad shoulders, slender hips and long legs. He had his sleeves rolled up and his eyes fixed on the pan, looking handsome and charming. He slightly frowned and concentrated on cooking. In Zhishus eyes, Jiang boasted kind of manly glamour. Wenxu Jiang was surprised to see Zhishu He when he turned around. He smiled gently, and all his impatience and rudeness had disappeared. You finally wake up? Perfect timing. Lunch is ready. We can have it together. Zhishu He nodded and walked forward to sort out the bowls and chopsticks. When he came up to Jiang, he stopped and opened his mouth while Jiang put a piece of carrot into his mouth with the chopsticks. They always had a tacit understanding. Zhishu He tasted it and commented, Its insipid but I think its okay. Dont add salt anymore. Too salty food is bad for health. As soon as he finished his words, he felt them ridiculous as he had lost his health though Jiang knew nothing about it. During lunch, Zhishu He was in a good mood. He tasted every dish on the table and praised Jiang for his cooking. Zhishus eyes shone with happiness. But gradually, the delight on his face dimmed and a sense of grievance flooded over him. He forced a smile with the dimple appearing on his haggard cheek and complained, Wenxu Jiang, why did you leave me alone for so long time? Zhishu He stared at Jiang with a childish expression on his face. Wenxu Jiang thought that it was just the babyish complaint and petulance. Realizing that he did ignore Zhishu these days, he reached over to put some vegetables into Zhishus bowl with his chopsticks and said in a propitiatory voice, Eat more, or you will soon be a bag of bones. After finishing this project, I will spend more time accompanying you. Zhishu He didnt eat the food in his bowl; instead, he cast a glance at Wenxu Jiangs slender fingers and asked suddenly, Wheres your ring? Stunned, Wenxu Jiang bowed his head with guilt and unconsciously repeated Zhishus question, Eh Wheres my ring? Wenxu Jiang would never forget how he got that ring. It was his most special birthday gift that he had ever received in his life. Nine years ago, for a long time Zhishu He worked hard to earn money in order to buy a gift for him. But at last, he didnt save enough money to buy a decent gift. He could only buy a pair of simple silver rings, on which there was no pattern or gem, dull-polished and low-cost. Then Zhishu He carried them with him every day and as long as he had free time, he would use the graver to carve their names on the rings. He got two blistered hands after finishing this difficult work. When Wenxu Jiang received this gift, he was greatly touched by what Zhishu had done for him, and his love for Zhishu deepened. At that time, the gift was the most valuable thing in the world in Jiangs eyes. When did he lose the ring? Wenxu Jiangs mind flew back to the first time that he had sex with Zui Shen. That night he was drunk and mistook Zui Shen as Zhishu He. That boy, who had soft black hair and pure eyes, looked like the young Zhishu He and would call him Brother Jiang in a sweet voice. Zui Shen wanted to be with Jiang, so he catered to Jiangs lust without hesitation. When Wenxu Jiang woke up, he found his ring missing and asked Zui Shen about it. But Zui Shen said that he didnt see it. Jiang thought he might inadvertently lose the ring when he was drunk. Wenxu Jiang had worn the ring for seven years. After losing the ring, he was upset for a long time. But as the time went on, he gradually forgot it as Zhishu He didnt noticed that the ring was missing. Wenxu Jiang once thought about buying a pair of custom-made diamond rings for Zhishu and himself, but he was too busy to do that. He spent most of his time dealing with the companys affairs or staying with clingy Zui Shen. At this moment, Wenxu Jiang didnt know how to answer Zhishu Hes sudden question. Fortunately, Zhishu didnt intend to get to the bottom of the matter. He dropped his eyelids and took a mouthful of soup which had cooled off before he said with a casual air, Never mind. Its valueless. If its lost, its lost Maybe soon you will lose me too, Zhishu He muttered with grief in his heart. He had a strong tolerance so that he could swallow the bitter pills and tolerate Jiangs betrayal without saying a word. He even could control his own emotions and show no sadness on his face. Or he just got used to enduring without protest. Wenxu Jiang feel a lump in his throat. He forced a smiling face and said, It must be somewhere in our house. I will find it. Or we can buy a new pair. Even if we miss the fifteenth anniversary, we can buy it as an advance gift of our twentieth anniversary. Zhishu He smiled, then put down the chopsticks and changed the topic, I am full and I want to boil some water to drink. If you need my help, just call me. Wenxu Jiang frowned at Zhishu Hes receding figure. For him, all his lovers outside were tools of venting his desire. He played with them for passion and amusement and deluded himself that he was tired of Zhishu He. But now he found that he was wrong. Why did his Zhishu become so strange and distant? The sense of emptiness and fear overwhelmed Jiang and he suddenly felt a little weary. Chapter 14 - Are You Gay?” After all, Wenxu Jiang was still young. He made a mistake that some men might unavoidably make when they were successful in career. They always had the wishful thinking of having a virtuous spouse at home and sultry lovers outside at the same time. However, Wenxu Jiang forgot that the person living with him was also a man with lofty and unyielding character, no matter how mild he was when they were together. Zhishu He had always indulged Wenxu Jiang for love and was willing to give Jiang everything he had, but Zhishu He was pertinacious in some aspects, for which Jiang could not understand even though they had been together for over a decade. Zhishu He suppressed the nausea after dinner, sitting in the balcony shrouded in the bright sunshine and daydreaming. He looked at the silver ring blackened due to oxidation on his finger, and his eyes were moist. Was it time for the love in the past fourteen years to be gone? Or it was easy for people to share woes, but difficult to share weal? Zhishu He had never been aware of his regret like so. What he regretted was not his desperate love of Jiang for over a decade, but that he shouldnt have given up his pursuit of dream and career, whatever the reason was. He shouldnt have lowered his baseline again and again, or given up his wish to go out to explore the world as a man. Staying at home for one day, Wenxu Jiang left again. It was said that a supervisor called him for there was something wrong with a huge order. He left with a promise that he would come back immediately when the problem was solved. Zhishu He put a heavy navy cashmere scarf around Wenxu Jiangs neck, and waved good-bye to him with a smile, Dont be silly. I know you arent afraid of cold weather, but your body cant withstand cold wind. Wenxu Jiang kissed Zhishu He on the face, and then he went out with the key to the car. Although he did not mention Ziyu Ai, his mind was in a whirl. In the balcony, Zhishu He watched Wenxu Jiang leave, sighed slightly and called Ziyu Ai, who answered immediately as if waiting for his call. Doctor Ai, are you free now? Come if you will. Im on duty today. There will be an operation this afternoon, so youd better come early. Well, thank you, Zhishu He ran his fingered through his long bangs falling across his forehead, thinking that he could only have his hair trimmed after being back. Ziyu Ai paused for a while before he added some words which had nothing to do with the treatment, Its colder today. Dont forget to put on more clothes. Zhishu He was stunned. He hung up the phone without saying more than the word of thanks, so as not to affect Ziyu Ais normal working, and went to change his clothes. It was really cold outside. Cold air irritated his nose, straight pouring into the respiratory tract. Zhishu He had a habit of not feeling like wearing a mask whenever it was. He did not know why. Ziyu Ai had several other patients, so Zhishu He sat quietly there and waited. He sat and watched, in a trance. When he saw a couple in the office with a child diagnosed with leukemia crying in despair, he felt some distressed and pity for the child. If his parents had not passed away, they must feel sad for him, too Even though he was such an unfilial child. Time ticked away What are you thinking about? Ziyu Ai called him, in a teasing tone, Can you take off your down jacket? Is it rented? Zhishu He did not feel hot, but it was inconvenient to move with heavy clothes. So he smiled, took off his down jacket and sat on the chair across from Ziyu Ais desk. Ziyu Ai was to make fun of Zhishu He, telling him not to be nervous when they talked about treatment later. But when he inadvertently glanced at the slender neck of Zhishu He, he could not help but gasp deeply- if he was right, it was a hickey. Zhishu He, who was fixing his eyes on the cover of the latest magazine at the corner of the table, did not notice the change of Ziyu Ais expression, thinking that he had not subscribed to a magazine for a long time. Ziyu Ai suddenly realized that he was just a doctor who should not care about Zhishu Hes private life, so his face grew solemn, and stared at Zhishu He, You should undergo chemotherapy tomorrow Ziyu Ai was a distinguished young doctor in leukemia area. When talking about treatment and illness of patients, he did not carry any personal emotion. Zhishu He felt upset when he learnt more about his illness. Doctor Ais words sent a chill down his spine. You are still young. I will do my best to help you. You cant give up on yourself. When Ziyu Ai finished his words, he added such a sentence to comfort Zhishu He. Before Zhishu He said something, his phone rang. It was Wenxu Jiang. He answered the phone immediately, so as not to make Wenxu Jiang wait for a long time, which had become a kind of habit. Im not coming back in the evening. Eat something good, even Im not at your side. The volume of the microphone was high, and the sound waves spread in the quiet room. Zhishu He smiled at Ziyu Ai in embarrassment. He turned the volume down and headed for the door. Ziyu Ai looked at the two pots of orchids, twirling the Parker pen with his fingers, and no one knew what he was thinking about. A few minutes later, Zhishu He came back. He smiled with apology, I have muted my phone this time Im sorry. Are you gay? After saying that, Ziyu Ai felt his IQ at this point must be zero. As an adult, he certainly knew it was rude to ask such a question. Zhishu He was stunned, and wore a twisted smile, Thats my He wanted to say roommate, but was interrupted before he finished his words. Theres more than one hickey on your neck. Zhishu He pulled his collar in conditioned reflex. Then he realized how embarrassing the behavior was. The more he tried to hide, the more conspicuous the fact was. After a while, he sighed, and jested moderately to give both sides an out, Doesnt the hospital treat gays? Ziyu Ai shook his head, and inexplicably, he was sad and disappointed, I dont care about sexual orientation. But I dont know whats going on between you two. First, do you think your body can withstand violent sex? Ziyu Ai was not a fool. It was evident that the hickeys were caused by violent suck just to show the possessiveness of the other party. Second and the most important, what is your relationship? From the examination to the treatment confirmation, its always been you yourself Doctor, Zhishu He interrupted him, with coldness, I didnt tell him. Im afraid he will be sad. Okay? Zhishu He did not like people commenting on Wenxu Jiang and him, but he was not bold enough to defend Wenxu Jiang. He could only interrupt the topic so tactlessly. Ziyu Ai was still busy this afternoon. He made an appointment with Zhishu He, letting him come back tomorrow. Zhishu He coughed twice, and it hurt deep in the bones. He thought of the saying that once a person told a lie, even the most silly and disgusting excuse could be made up flawlessly. If Wenxu Jiang could love him as much as before, he would never have endured it alone. He would cry if it hurt and tell the man to boil water and to prepare medicine for him. Even his last words would be said in a petulant way You cannot have any new date after I pass away. But he would not do these things. In addition to putting up with it and trying not to be annoying, he failed to find other way. Chapter 15 - Four Kittens Zhishu He casually chose a barbershop and walked into it. The barbershop was small but warm, with few customers in it. Before long he took his turn. Just crop my hair, Zhishu He said gently, gazing at his image in the mirror. Maybe it was the last time for him to have his hair trimmed because the chemotherapy that he was going to take would cause extensive hair loss. The barber was a man of few words, and very efficient as he finished the work within a quarter of an hour. He put down the scissor and praised, Your hair is thick, glossy and in tip-top condition. Zhishu He smiled at him politely and paid the bill before he left the barbershop. He couldnt help but recall the similar words that Wenxu Jiang had said to him in their schooldays C Zhishu, you have soft ebony hair. At that time, Jiang liked to rub Zhishus hair with his big hands as if he was stroking a docile puppy. Zhishu He hummed a song that he heard several years ago and walked at a brisk pace toward the subway station with a slight smile on his face, trying to find back some vitality and happiness. He used to like one of Zhihua Zhengs song Sailor very much. He sang the song as his eyes slowly reddened and his voice dropped, Sailors struggling in the storm, believing the rainbow will come Suddenly, Zhishu He broke into a soft laughter and felt himself foolish. At the entrance of the subway station, Zhishu He caught sight of a shoebox in the corner. He moved closer and heard the rustling of small animals scratching the box with their paws. Zhishu He carefully lifted the lid of the shoebox and his heart skipped a beat when he saw four black-and-white kittens in it. They were probably abandoned by their owner. Zhishu He preferred hairy animals above all others, but he never kept a pet before because Wenxu Jiang was a clean freak and disliked animals. Zhishu was very hesitant to take the kittens home. The weather was so cold that they would certainly die outside if no one saved them. Soon Zhishu made up his mind to bring them home as this time he wanted to satisfy himself instead of Wenxu Jiang. At last, Zhishu He returned home with four kittens. He bought a can of powdered ewe milk and some biscuits in the supermarket downstairs. Fortunately, the kittens were all in good health and after staying in the warm room for a while, they recovered their energies and mewed to Zhishu. They also pushed one another back and forth with their soft, velvet paws. Zhishu He got four ropes of different colors from the drawer and tied the ropes around the kittens necks to mark them. Then he reconstituted the powdered milk and put the biscuits in it. He fed the kittens and felt amazed when he touched their soft paws. They rubbed Zhishus palms with their fluffy little heads and wanted to eat more. Zhishu was completely struck by their loveliness since he had never touched a small animal before. In the evening, when Wenxu Jiang came back, he saw Zhishu He sleeping on the sofa, with four hairy kittens on his chest. They all slept well and Jiang even heard the kittens purring slightly. Zhishu He! Wenxu Jiang frowned and stood still at the door. His voice woke Zhishu He from his light sleep. He opened his eyes with a slightly addled expression on his face and asked, Whats up? Why did you take them home? Throw them out of our house right now! Wenxu Jiang commanded in an exasperated voice and threw his briefcase on the floor beside the shoe cabinet. He had a strong personality and couldnt tolerate any rebellion of his spouse. Zhishu He dropped his eyelids, his face covered with loneliness, as he said in a soft tone, I want to keep them. Wenxu Jiangs anger evaporated when he heard Zhishus beseeching words. Jiang would yield to the soft words but reject the strong protests. So when Zhishu begged him, he had to suppress his dislike of the kittens and tried to persuade his spouse, Zhishu, the kittens are dirty and they will trouble us as soon as they grow up a little. So, just send them away, okay? We dont need pets. But I really want to keep them Zhishu He bit his lips and insisted. You Wenxu Jiang, you know me well, right? Ive always wanted to keep a pet since I was a child. But at that time, my parents didnt allow me to do that. I was upset for a long time, and made a silent vow to keep a dog or cat when I grew up and got my own house. Wenxu Jiang hesitated for a moment but didnt change his mind. Honey, we have lived a good, peaceful life for several years without keeping a pet. If you really want a pet, I will buy one of noble birth for you in the future. But not now, okay? Zhishu He stared at Wenxu Jiang. His eyes slowly reddened as he said in a pleading voice, I like them. Brother Jiang, please, dont send them away. Wenxu Jiangs resolve fell apart. He shut his mouth, changed his shoes and went straight to the study. His actions showed his attitude. Zhishu He was aware that Jiang acquiesced in his decision of keeping the kittens in their house. In truth, Wenxu Jiang knew clearly that Zhishu He was of a rational turn of mind and seldom asked for something. He always put up with all Jiangs decisions regardless of whether he liked or not. Gradually, Wenxu Jiang took his tolerance for granted and paid little attention to Zhishus real thoughts. Chapter 16 - Brief Intimacy Zhishu He made a simple nest for the kittens and put it in the unoccupied guest room. He was forced by Wenxu Jiang to wash his body carefully before going to bed. Wenxu Jiang flung Zhishu He to the soft bed and wrapped his arms around Zhishu. Then he buried his face in Zhishus chest, sniffing like a police dog. Do you smell anything unusual? Zhishu He asked, feeling Jiangs hot breath on his neck, which tickled him. Wenxu Jiang bit Zhishus collarbone lightly and answered, Yes, you smell like a kitten. Zhishu He burst into laughter, as he cradled Jiangs face and kissed him on the forehead. Okay. Now you can go to the guest room and sleep with the kittens. No, I want you, Wenxu Jiang bowed his head and planted several kisses on Zhishus face. Then he moved backward slowly, sucking Zhishus skin passionately, from the delicate neck to the soft lower abdomen. Zhishu He uttered some slight groans and felt his body burning with desire. Hes voice was soft and sexy, and his shy and restrained groans were seductive enough to break Jiangs sense and reason down. Dont leave any love bites on me Zhishu He murmured. Tomorrow he would go to the hospital. If Jiang left some marks on his neck, the doctors and nurses would see them when he took off his coat and it would make him embarrassed. Wenxu Jiang slowly came into Zhishu face-to-face, and they combined closely as a whole. When Jiang began to move, he heard a sharp intake of breath coming from below, Eh Slow Slow down. He lowered his head and met Zhishus watery loving eyes. Im slow enough, Wenxu Jiang replied, stroking Zhishus soft hair gently, and kept stirring. Have you cut your hair? Zhishu He felt a strong wave of the lust flowing through him, so he bit his lips to suppress it and answered brokenly, Yes I havemy hair cut He twined his arms around Jiangs neck to steady his shaking body and kissed Jiangs jaw and Adams apple in a devout gesture, hoping that he would treat him in a tender way. Jiang, please Wenxu Jiang was dazed for a while. In the past, Zhishu He seldom displayed such great initiative as he did today in the bed. At this moment, his rare passion and charming gesture struck a deep chord in Jiangs heart. Wenxu Jiang let his desire run rampant and began to conquer Zhishu with all his strength. Jiang folded Zhishus legs and pinned him on the bed, their body flapping violently against each other like a pair of wings, which made Zhishu cry, Jiang Brother Jiang Slow down, please I beg you At last, Wenxu Jiang achieved the orgasmic satisfaction that he hadnt gotten for so long. But Zhishu He was too tired to stay sober. He laid his head on Jiangs chest and fell asleep immediately. Wenxu Jiang stretched out his arms to hold Zhishu tightly and caressed his naked back. A few moments later, Jiang muttered with confusion and heartache, Youve lost a lot of weight. Didnt you take good care of yourself? The next day when Zhishu He woke up, Wenxu Jiang had already left. He sat on the cold bed and kneaded his aching and limp waist for a while before he got up. Today he needed to go to the hospital and take the chemotherapy. When he walked out of the bedroom, he was surprised to find that Wenxu Jiang had fed the kittens and cooked the breakfast for him. Jiang even left a note to remind him to microwave the food before eating. Zhishu He shook his head and chucked the note in the bin. He crouched down to stroke the four furry kittens and played with them for a few moments. Then he took his medicines and changed his clothes, intending to go to the hospital. This time Zhishu He looked carefully at himself in the mirror and made sure that there was no obvious mark on his neck and shoulders before going out of the door. He was thankful for Wenxu Jiangs kindness though his skin under the clothes was full of love bites. Zhishu He maintained calm on the way to the hospital. However, when he got off the bus and walked toward the hospital, he became nervous. Ziyu Ai had told him that he must be hospitalized during chemotherapy, but he had refused without hesitation at that time. He even refused to know the terrible sequelae and side-effects caused by the chemotherapy because he was afraid that he would sink into the fear and give up his life straight. Zhishu He never expected to suffer so much during the chemotherapy. He felt himself in the hell as he got a strong feeling of headache and nausea, his every fibre being aching as if there were numerous insects crawling in his blood vessels, gnawing at his flesh and bringing the excruciating pain to him. Zhishu He was very afraid of pain but this time he had to endure the unceasing pain quietly. He bit his lips so hard that blood exuded, and his body was already wet due to the cold sweat. Ziyu Ai asked a doctor to cover for him before he came to accompany Zhishu He. His heart ached for Zhishu when Ai saw him trembling in pain. He held the poor man in his arms and wiped Zhishus sweaty face with tenderness. Doctor Ai Zhishu He was in a state of half unconsciousness. He had a beautiful face, but now it was ghostly pale with the sharp pain, and even his lips were bloodless. You You didnt tell me that I would suffer such a great pain Ziyu Ai patted him on the back gently and soothed him, Its okay Its alright You will be fine as long as you conquer it. Dont be afraid. Im here with you Zhishu He struggled to curve his lips into a faint smile, revealing the dimple on his left cheek, and whispered with a deep sorrowful expression in his eyes, I am in so much pain I feel that it has lasted for centuries What should I do with the pain? I cant tolerate it anymore Chapter 17 - Bitter Struggle for Survival Zhishu He was too painful to walk after the chemotherapy. This time Zhishu He didnt refuse Ziyu Ai when Ai held his hand to help him to lie on the bed in Ais office for a rest. They both kept silent, but Ziyu Ai strongly felt that an unspeakable feeling in the heart became stronger than ever. Ziyu Ai was sure that he had lost his heart to Zhishu He. Zhishu Hes face was as pale as the white sheet on bed. His eyes were dull and inanimate. Ziyu Ai gave him a cup of hot water, and said, Drink some water? Zhishu He didnt answer, and only murmured after quite a while, I am cold No blanket was available here, as Ziyu Ai barely slept in the office. Ziyu Ai couldnt find anything but Hes light tan down jacket, which was so heavy. So he covered Zhishu He with it. Zhishu He tightly hugged the down jacket. His pinched face surrounded with the fox fur on the brim of the jacket hat boasted kind of morbid fascination. Zhishu He seemed extremely fragile at the moment. You dont look well. Considering you physical condition, I suggest you stay in hospital, sitting beside Zhihe Shu, Ziyu Ai thought for a while before speaking again. You cant keep it from your family or your boyfriend. It is too hard to handle this on your own. Zhishu He slowly regained his consciousness. His eyes were gentle as before, and his mood was always restrained. Zhishu He softly shook his head, and said, I dont want to stay in hospital. I will live as long as God allows me to live. The one with ultimate love for his or her partner would struggle for survival and live for her or him. Happy life had become a distant dream for Zhishu He, so he just let nature take its course. If Zhishu He was lucky enough to die early, then his love for Wenxu Jiang would end at the same day. Ziyu Ai could perceive that Zhishu Hes life was not as simple as he previously imagined. Ai couldnt figure it out, but he didnt ask anything. Zhishu He knew very well that he had caused a lot of trouble for Doctor Ai. When he felt better, he thanked Ziyu Ai with politeness and was immediately ready to leave. Ill call you for the next appointment of chemotherapy, Ziyu Ai was unable to make him stay, so he only came out with such a poor excuse to call him again. It took a few seconds for Zhishu He to realize what Ziyu Ai meant. However, Zhishu He only replied with a nod. Zhishu He could see that Ziyu Ai was hesitating to say something, as his facial expression betrayed him. After a while, as Zhishu He was curiously waiting, Ziyu Ai suddenly said, Your body cant handle sex now. You need to stop Surprisingly, Zhishu He didnt feel too embarrassed. On the contrary, He was slightly moved by Ziyu Ais kindness, so he nodded obediently. Looking at his back as Zhishu He was walking away, Ziyu Ai unconsciously felt that his heart was also taken away. Zhishu He spent the rest of the day in bed when he got home. He didnt eat anything; instead he vomited five times, and the blackish green bile was almost thrown up. Meanwhile, the four kittens were meowing around him. They cuddled up against his neck. Zhishu He was warmed and touched by their soft fur. Zhishu He thought that Wenxu Jiang wouldnt come home. Jiang did come home, though it was late. It seemed that Jiang began to turn more attention to Zhishu He again, instead of showing no concern at all. Jiang seemed to have recovered interest in sex with Zhishu He. Jiang drank a little alcohol tonight in the business dinner, and he affectionately kept calling Zhishu He baby, as if he didnt mind the smell of cats on Zhishu Hes body. Wenxu Jiang was at the age with strong sexual desire. When Zhishu He was perfectly healthy in the past, He was barely able to satisfy Wenxu Jiang, not to mention now. They already had sex last night, but tonight Wenxu Jiang was eager to fuck him again. Zhishu He got used to pampering Wenxu Jiang. What Ziyu Ai said in the morning was in one ear and out the other. Zhishu He forced himself to be soft enough in Jiangs arms, and pretended to be ready for the violent and animal-like thrusts of Jiang, regardless of the feeble body and discomfort. During the whole process, Zhishu He consistently bit his lips to hold back his moans out of pain, but he didnt make any complain. Instead of begging for stop, he tightly hugged Jiangs neck while groaning in a low voice, repeatedly, Bro Jiang, give me that oh fasterfaster. Feeling aroused, Jiang began another round of barbaric thrusts, but with no kiss at all. Out of sudden, the storm finally came to a halt while Jiang jetted sperms all inside Hes skinny body. As Jiang was satisfied, Jiang murmured a name to Hes ear, Little Shen Zhishu Hes heart instantly broken into pieces. He was not the one Jiang cared about. Chapter 18 - Jiang’s Lover Zhishu He pushed the man on his body aside, staring at the endless darkness with his eyes wide open. He relaxed himself and got his breath back, waiting for the choking heartache to wear off. They had made a promise to each other that they would be together forever at the beginning. They met each other at their best ages and had thought they found own Mr. Right. Zhishu He showed a depressed smile. He well remembered plenty of trifles, which were pieced together and formed happiness. Wenxu Jiang was cool and proud in front of the outsiders in his school days. But in fact, he was incredibly naive. At that time, he would sit like a cat in the bushes and greet Zhishu He, Little Shu, Little Shu, look! Lizard!; he would bring kinds of delicious food and snacks to Zhishu He every day. For Zhishu He, he fought with boys and scared the little girls who were keen on Zhishu He for many times. Later on, Wenxu Jiang came out to make a living, and he met obstacles and setbacks many times. He drank with the moneybags from the Northeast China for business, no matter whether he could stand it or not. As soon as he was drunk, he hugged Zhishu He, crying for he did not give He a good life. Was I enough for your whole life? Did you still remember that we once made a deal about that? Zhishu He could not help bursting into tears, with the back of his hands covering his eyes like a kid. Zhishu He really missed the gorgeous pear blossom in the Second Senior Middle School. The white flowers were finely divided in trees like stars distributed in the sky. During the blossom, he would go to pick up flowers from the ground and fill up his small pocket after school every day. Then he would take a handful of them and blow some to Wenxu Jiang on the face and body. He still remembered that the most romantic and daring thing they had ever done was that during a holiday when the campus was empty, Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu He leaning against the pear tree and gave him a long lingering kiss filled with teen love But what did that mean? The once fervent and simple love had been wearing off over the long time and had been beaten back to the original by the desire for a life of debauchery. There was nothing left to comfort him. I still had a little strength to love you as much as I could. Later you would be on your own, and dont be too capricious, or your new date would not stay long at your side, Zhishu He murmured. Then he managed to get up and gently tucked Jiang in, with his small dimple, which should have been as sweet and soft as honey, wet and bitter, filled with tears right now. Zhishu He turned around, biting his finger to hold back his sobs. Dawn came late in winter. Zhishu He watched the sky gradually light up, the cold light filtering through the thin gauze curtain, which made him fell chill and desolate. It was a cold winter this year. If he could make a snowman with Wenxu Jiang again, the snowman would stay longer. Then his trace would be with Wenxu Jiang a little longer in this winter. Zhishu He struggled up and shambled to have a shower. He was thin and weak now. With dense erotic traces all over, his body seemed dirty and pathetic. Zhishu He knew well that he was good-for-nothing. He had no energy to quarrel with Wenxu Jiang for anything. Since it had become a habit to love this man, he could still endure anything. Zhishu He bent over against the cold white marble bath and drew out with fingers what Wenxu Jiang left in his body, knitting his eyebrows tighter and tighter. He must stop having sex. Zhishu He took some medicine and then made millet porridge for Wenxu Jiang, who drank too much last night. The millet porridge was good for stomach. When the porridge was ready in the pot, Zhishu He sat on a small sofa, concentrating on reading a book. Wenxu Jiang woke up late with disheveled hair after the whole nights sleep, acting in a spoiled way beside Zhishu He. He looked stronger than Zhishu He. Jiang stretched out his arm and held Zhishu He entirely in his arms. I will be on a business trip tomorrow and wont be back until half a month. Zhishu He stopped turning the page, Got it. It would be easier to go to the hospital if he wasnt at home. Will you go by yourself? Zhishu He struggled out of Wenxu Jiangs arms and went to the kitchen to fetch the porridge. Wenxu Jiang was in a daze, With a few managers and my assistant. Zhishu He replied with a simple ok, as if he did not care much about it. He ladled out the porridge to a bowl for Wenxu Jiang, and said, Dont bully Assistant Song too much. He was too busy to spare time for a business trip. Wenxu Jiang was having porridge with a spoon, and replied him without thinking much, Its not Song, but the new assistant, who graduated from the Academy of Fine Arts. Ill take him to meet with the new French designer. Zhishu He smiled, Do I know him? How can you know the new face in the company? Let alone the one who just graduated like Zui Shen Realizing the slip of his tongue, Wenxu Jiang suddenly shut up and focused on eating porridge. Zhishu He froze on hearing that. As a new face, the boy should be able to get such a high position immediately after graduation, so he must be well-versed in pleasing Jiang. Where any platform or individual uses translations on flying-lines.com without permission and infringe our translation right, we shall safeguard our legitimate rights and interests through legal channels. If any act against our party has taken place, the tortfeasor shall immediately stop the infringement, eliminate the negative impact, make an apology and compensate for the loss. Chapter 19 - An Understanding Wife and Loving Mother Zhishu He sighed, and said to himself in a teasing tone that it was useless for him to worry about so much. Then he turned around to wash his hands and packed the suitcase for Wenxu Jiang. The four kittens were vivacious. Their legs were too short to walk well, so they shambled in groups to Zhishu He to play with him. Out of curiosity, the four white kittens with black patterns on the body squatted in the suitcase, and they had fun. Well, well, its time to come out, Zhishu He touched their foreheads one by one with the tips of his fingers, Ill get a tongue-lashing later, if he catches sight of you Wenxu Jiang was at the door, but he did not dare to speak for a moment. Sometimes he was frightened by the gentleness of Zhishu He. He remembered that Zui Shen raised a very silly husky dog at the beginning of their relations. He could bear it, although he was bored with the dog. After all, he did not live in Zui Shens house. But once he saw dog hair on Zui Shens body, he could not stand any more. Tears welled up in Shens eyes all those days when he was compelled to send that dog away, but there was not half a ripple in Wenxu Jiangs heart. Watching Zhishu He playing with the four kittens, Jiang felt that the scene was so sweet and harmonious that everything seemed peaceful. At that moment, he even did not care the kitten hair sticking to his shirt or suit any more. A lover could be jilted anytime if he or she was not obedient. However, Wenxu Jiang would never treat Zhishu He in this way. Even though Jiang was tired of the insipid life, the man who accompanied him all the way was the one that nobody could replace. Wenxu Jiang would understand it sooner or later, although he didnt right now. People always had confidence in what they possessed. They deemed it to be their own subconsciously, so they couldnt be bothered to do much for it. However, peoples heart was the most variable, especially when Zhishu He could not control it, either Wenxu Jiang did not love wearing a scarf. Zhishu He was afraid that Jiang was cold, so he insisted on wrapping a scarf around Jiangs neck. Wenxu Jiang looked down at Zhishu He who was carefully knotting the tie, and said with a smile, You are really an understanding wife and loving mother. Zhishu He rolls his eyes, patted the scarf well knotted, and said, Hurry to work. Wenxu Jiang stretched out his hand to touch the thin cheeks of Zhishu He, and said, Eat more when youre at home alone. You see how thin you are now. I will accompany you to have a physical examination when I am free. Things in the world kept changing and could not wait; when Im free was the worst promise, because there was usually no answer in the waiting. Zhishu He lowered his long eyelashes, answered in obedience, and then watched Wenxu Jiang leave. Gazing at the mans receding figure, which was still tall and straight, Zhishu He felt some feeling welling up. When you loved a person, you even felt that he walked in a different way, so elegantly and unconventionally, even though the person never looked back. Zhishu He closed the door, sat back at the table, and had half a bowl of millet porridge which had already been cold. Wenxu Jiang seldom called Zhishu He during his business trip. Maybe he was really busy, or it was just inconvenient to call He. Zhishu He never inspected whether he was really busy. He felt that only narrow-minded persons would do these things, which was disturbing and degrading for him. It was also impossible to defend effectively if a person wanted to cheat. After the chemotherapy, Zhishu He had no serious follow-up reaction this time. His hair did not fall off as much as he had expected. However, Zhishu He dared not lower his guard. Because he knew that since he had decided to accept the treatment, chemotherapy was just the beginning, and he would always think of the worst result. In fact, he did not care much about the result. Ziyu Ai paid much more attention to Zhishu He than ever. He called Zhishu more frequently than what Wenxu Jiang did. Zhishu He found it funny sometimes to answer the phone call, playing with the kittens, Will it get your wages deducted to chat on the phone at work, doctor? Ziyu Ai also joked, Im caring about my patients mental health. Is there anything wrong? Zhishu He slowly found that Ziyu Ai pretended the usual stern face, and he turned out to be an especially interesting person when he got familiar with you. Ai was an outspoken man speaking his mind. Just like a big wolf dog, he seemed mighty and domineering when you looked at him from afar, but he would be nice and behave in a spoiled manner if he was familiar with you. Zhishu He was scratching a kittens neck, thinking that it was really impolite for him to associate Ziyu Ai with a big dog. Where any platform or individual uses translations on flying-lines.com without permission and infringe our translation right, we shall safeguard our legitimate rights and interests through legal channels. If any act against our party has taken place, the tortfeasor shall immediately stop the infringement, eliminate the negative impact, make an apology and compensate for the loss. Chapter 20 - Gentleness of Doctor Ai It was a rare windless sunny day. In the hospital, the fox fur on the brim of Zhishu Hes hat looked vivid and warm in the sunlight. Ziyu Ai couldnt help stretching out his hand to touch it, staring at Zhishu He with his bright dark brown eyes. Whats the matter, doctor? Zhishu He turned to him, and the baggy collar exposed his fair neck. Look, Ziyu Ai said with a sudden smile. He wrapped that ring of fox fur around the cheeks of Zhishu He, Arent you like a baby tiger now? Zhishu He burst out laugher, not expecting that a doctor would have such a good sense of humor. But soon he stopped laughing. The pain he suffered during the chemotherapy was even greater than that of the last time. Zhishu Hes sideburns got wet by sweat for pain; he vomited so heavily that he could even not keep his waist straight. Zhishu He could only refrain himself from making a sound when he suffered such severe pain. Ziyu Ai called his name softly in the distance. Hearing someone call him, Zhishu He slowly raised his head after quite a while, opened his moistened eyes, and squeezed two words out of his quivering lips, It hurts Hearing that, Ziyu Ai felt a sharp pain in his heart. In fact, he lied to Zhishu He, who was so thin and feeble that he was not at all like a weak baby tiger, but more like a kitten, whose little paws were not well used and any bit of carelessness could make himself hurt easily. Have a rest in my office, Ziyu Ai brought Zhishu He to his office. Ill prescribe you some medicine. Zhishu He felt weak all over, without a little strength, so he did not refuse Ziyu Ai. But to his surprise, the cushion on the doctors cot was replaced with a thick one covered with a fluffy blanket. Zhishu He got pole-axed. Lie down and have a rest here. Ill have other patients later, Ziyu Ai did not think more, and helped Zhishu He open the fluffy blanket on the bed, which seemed recently aired, and was sweet and soft. Zhishu He buried half of his face in the pale blue blanket full of sunshines smell, feeling like crying, but he did not know why. A man, who had been suffering hardships for a long time, was not afraid of being treated badly by others, but afraid of being treated well. Because he had nothing to pay back. You can have a longer sleep, Ziyu Ai drew half of the curtain, Ill wake you up later. Zhishu He was tired both mentally and physically, so he fell asleep fast. However, Ziyu Ai, sat at his desk, with his mind wandering, wondering what his real feeling to Zhishu He was. To see that man suffer caused Ai a great deal of heartache; he felt uncomfortable to see the love bites left by another man; he was also angry at Zhishu Hes tolerance and deep love for that man. Ziyu Ai was born in a rich family with great power; however, for professional reasons, Ziyu Ai had always been self-restrained. He did not smoke or drink; besides, he was not a playboy. He was just fond of cars and raising flowers; in the two hobbies of Ziyu Ai, the latter one was developed by his father. He sent his favorite orchid to Zhishu He, even though they had met for only a few times. Ziyu Ai raised the corner of his lips unconsciously, whirling the pen among fingers. Zhishu He hadnt had such a good sleep for a long time. Sleeping like a log, he felt warm and safe. He didnt even dream much, the only bit impression of the dream was a laurel standing in the sun, sweet and gentle. The doctor did not wake him up. It was already dark when Zhishu He awoke naturally. Ziyu Ai had no night shift today, so he went off work early and came to check Zhishu He. Youre awake? Ziyu Ai closed the medical report all in English with a smile. Zhishu He looked better, and hurried to get up, I am really sorry to disturb you. Please dont go to so much trouble about me, or Ill feel Im being treated as a stranger, Ziyu Ai shook his head disapprovingly, pointing at the thermal dinner pail, The medicated meals are delivered here already. Have dinner here and then Ill send you home. Zhishu He froze on hearing the words, feeling that there was something wrong with Dr. Ai all day. Where any platform or individual uses translations on flying-lines.com without permission and infringe our translation right, we shall safeguard our legitimate rights and interests through legal channels. If any act against our party has taken place, the tortfeasor shall immediately stop the infringement, eliminate the negative impact, make an apology and compensate for the loss. Chapter 21 - Doctor Ai’s Scarf Ziyu Ai opened the dinner pail, a light delicious smell wafting out, accompanied by a slight herbal fragrance. Its from my friends medicinal diet restaurant. It should taste good, the doctor put the dishes in front of He. Have a taste before it gets cold. Zhishu He quipped, How much are doctors paid now? Is your bonus linked with patients moods? Ziyu Ai did not respond. He put away a pile of medical reports at hand, took a stool and sat down beside Zhishu He, I havent had supper, either. Lets eat together. Zhishu He opened his mouth but did not know what to say, just feeling a little embarrassed. He did not think more about it, but getting restless. Ziyu Ai felt kind of heartache. When he handed the chopsticks to Zhishu He, he still said two more sentences as an explanation, There is no one in my home, either. I just want someone to have dinner with me, not planning to embarrass you. Zhishu He shook his head, Nope. Dr. Ai is so nice that Im flattered. He smiled at the doctor, with the black pupils sparkling under the incandescent light. Ziyu Ai also raised the corner of his lips slightly, feeling like touching Zhishu Hes long eyelashes which slightly dropped. In fact, Ziyu Ai was an unruly person. He was young, handsome, rich and capable. If he took a fancy to someone, he would not consider too much to chase the one. However, for making Zhishu He have a meal at ease with him today, he had been working absent-minded to ponder on an excuse for a whole afternoon, which seldom happened for him. Maybe he really had feelings for Zhishu He. Ziyu Ai lowered his eyes, roiling half the bowl of the soup with the spoon. Are you still feeling sick? Ziyu Ai asked Zhishu He, who only moved the chopsticks for a few times, then nothing more. It was estimated that even that was out of politeness. Zhishu He shook his head, Nope, I have no appetite even at home. I have been suffering from loss of appetite. Im looking for the one matching your bone marrow, and Ill find it as soon as possible, at the thought of Zhishu Hes illness, Ziyu Ai felt a chill in his heart. As his attending doctor, naturally, he knew better the state of his illness. Zhishu He had missed the best time to accept chemotherapy. The current treatment, instead of improving his health, was only delaying the steadily worsening, even for one day. Zhishu He expressed his thanks to the doctor, with little joyful expectation. Your illness Does he know about it? Ziyu Ai restrained his emotions and asked some probing questions intentionally or otherwise. Ziyu Ai found that Zhishu Hes face got paler, with heavy fatigue between his eyebrows, not knowing if it was just own illusion. Then Zhishu He said in a calm voice, I dont want to tell him. Ziyu Ai did not request further reply, as he could read the others facial expression. He knew that Zhishu He must have unspeakable difficulties and the relationship between the two was not inseparable as he had once imagined. Ziyu Ai did not feel guilty at all for involving in this relationship. He was not the one falling in love easily, but once he had feelings for someone, he must try to chase the one. He never gave up before having a try, since life was short and true love was not rare. Besides, he believed that as long as his loving hoe was well wielded, the foundation of every relationship could be undermined. That man had never accompanied Zhishu He to have a physical examination even though Zhishu was so withered. He was either blind or indifferent. If you dont feel like eating, its ok. Dont push yourself too hard. Ill go to pick you up tomorrow, Ziyu Ai did not want to make Zhishu He feel embarrassed, so he washed his hands and fetched the clothes of Zhishu He, Im off duty now. Ill drop you off on my way home. Zhishu He still remembered the trouble caused by the fact that Doctor Ai drove him home last time, so he could not be completely at ease. But Ziyu Ai insisted on the decision and Zhishu He had no other choice. In the end, when Zhishu He was forced to sit in the front passenger seat, he said wittily in a complaining voice, All girls want to marry a doctor, but I cant find the merit of a doctor. Are they all as bossy as you? I know boys like it. Zhishu He was astonished by his words, and he casted a glance at Ziyu Ai like a reflex, finding that the man seemingly did not care about what he said at all, with kind of cynicism in his look, which was rare at usual time. You must be kidding! Zhishu He smiled. Ziyu Ai smiled, too, speaking nothing more. He did not speak again until Zhishu He got out of the car. Ai lowered the window and called softly, Zhishu. Zhishu He froze and looked back, Doctor? Ziyu Ai got out of the car, took his scarf off and forcibly wrapped it well around the exposed neck of Zhishu He, Go home now and Ill pick you up at two tomorrow afternoon. Not until the sports car was far away did Zhishu He come to his mind. The scarf around his neck had the lingering warmth of another man. Zhishu He did not know what the doctor wanted to do, and he did not think he was good enough to attract another gay man, either. In addition, the doctor was such an excellent man. Chapter 22 - He Definitely Fell in Love with Zhishu Zhishu returned home, carefully folded up Ziyu Ais scarf and put it in a bag. He sat on the sofa for a long time, thinking nothing, and stood up until he felt a little cold. It was much cold when there was no partner in the house regardless of the high temperature controlled by air conditioner. Zhishu covered himself tightly in the quilt, and fell into sleep soon. Zhishu suddenly woke with a start in the middle of the night, and saw the ceiling lamp still shining brightly in the bedroom, while it was still heavy dark outside. He looked at the time and realized he had only slept for less than half an hour. But now he couldnt sleep and felt much more miserable when he was awake. He really couldnt help wanting to hear the voice of Wenxu Jiang. It was about 5:00 pm in France, so it might not bother him Zhishu was very patient and tapped the numbers one by one with his finger. Even though Wenxus number had already been added in the Contacts, typing all numbers seemed much more official and sincerer, as he used to do. The phone rang a few times. The man answered in a low voice, seemingly a little bit gentle, Do you still remember to call me? Zhushu He holding the phone became silent for a few seconds. He used to call Wenxu very often in the beginning, but they didnt have the money to pay the phone bill. At that time, the happiest thing of Zhishu was talking to Wenxu Jiang by his companys phone with caution, even though they had nothing serious to talk. Although they two could see each other at each night, they still felt the day was too long. Later, everything changed. They had nothing to say, and often got stuck in pique and sullenness with no reason. Since one ignored the other, the other also would not talk to that one. Now it was normal that they didnt call each other for half a month. I miss you, Zhishu suppressed his sadness and said without any hesitation. In the few seconds, he seemed to spend several years. Wenxu Jiang got stunned. It had been a long time since he heard Zhishu say that. Moreover, he heard a hint of whimper from Zhishus three words. It seemed to be true, also like an illusion. I miss you, too. I am busy these days and when Im available, I am afraid to disturb your rest. I will try to get the work done quickly and go home to accompany you as soon as possible, Wenxu Jiang said softly, but guilty in heart. Zhishu He was not stupid. Any splendid excuses were just to conceal the fact that Wenxu Jiang didnt pay much attention to Zhishu. There was no message from Jiang. The man was in France, a romantic country, so far away from Zhishu, with a young boy he liked. Zhishu could imagine that how happy Jiang was now. It was normal to have much enjoyment and forget to go back home. As for Zhishu, he just tortured himself in the dark night. He pressed his lips lightly and replied in his throat. He was thinking what to say, but heard a faint voice on the phone, Brother Jiang, how can you keep talking for such a long time? The dishes are getting cold Saying in a spoiled tone and a clear voice, the boy on the other side of the phone seemed impatient. Zhishus face was getting pale, and he inferred that Wenxu Jiang might spoil that boy very much. Even Zhushu didnt try to disturb Jiangs phone before. It suddenly became quiet on that side, and there was no noise at all. He Zhishu tried to stabilize his tone, as he was not trying to make Wenxu Jiang feel embarrassed. Its so cold in Beijing now. When you come back, just call me. I can pick you up at the airport and make the radish and sparerib soup for you. Oh, honey, I love you most. Zhishu smiled and yawned, Okay, you have to do your own business. I am sleepy. Wenxu Jiang said good night in a gentle voice. Zhishu He had a sleepless night, and his heart was hurt as if cut out by a blunt knife. After midnight, Zhishu was wandering in the house aimlessly, but did not know what he was looking for. Finally, he was tired and sat on the cold floor of the living room, crying like a child who lost the whole world. Zhishu bit his lips, and the thin shoulders trembled. He cried and stuck the heating pad on his chest. Only by the heating pad, would his heart not freeze. Zhishu fell into sleep till the early morning. In a high fever, he lapsed into unconsciousness. Here came the retribution. Zhishu showed a relaxed smile. He left his parents, gave up his dreams, lost everything, and fell in love with one who he should not love. The phone was ringing, and Zhishu was in a daze for a long time before answering it. Wenxu Jiang It hurts The pain is killing me Dont leave me alone I am docile How can you lie to me? Zhishus eyes turned red in the fever. Once the emotion accumulated for a long time, it was really difficult to stop when the emotion burst out. Zhishu! What happened? Where are you? Ill go to find you! It turned out to be Doctor Ai Although his mind was not clear at this point, he still trusted Ziyu Ai in his subconscious, told the address to Ai, and then fell into sleep. Ziyu Ai arrived at Zhishus house with a locksmith. When he unlocked the door, Zhishu still didnt wake up. Ziyu Ai saw the skinny man curled up out of cold, with knitted brows and some tears on his pale face. Ziyu Ai found that his call to Zhishu had not been hung up. Ai bent over and lifted the man in his arms. Zhishu was as light as a feather. His lovable cheek snuggled up upon his chest and his high fever melted Ais heart. Definitely. Ziyu Ai confirmed he definitely fell in love with Zhishu. Chapter 23 - A Smart Golden Retriever Zhishu He woke up at a completely strange place. Although the fever had just been brought down, he still felt dizzy and tired. Zhishu He sat up and rubbed his temples. Some recalled vague fragments hinted that he must have troubled the doctor again. He looked aroundC the bedroom, decorated in black, white and gray colors, was super simple and modern in cool style. Beside the balcony, kinds of models of sports cars and off-road vehicles filled a whole embedded glass wall. It turned out that the doctor was a collector. Zhishu He could not help showing a smile. The moment when he got off the bed, he saw the bedrooms door be gingerly pushed open. It was so strange that Zhishu He peeped out with curiosity, holding his breath. Slowly and gently, Ziyu Ai pulled the door that was ajar, not seeing Zhishu He who had already sat up. Zhishu He wondered why this doctor behaved like a thief in his own house? The next second, the head of a big golden dog popped into the room. Seeing that, Ziyu Ai could not restrain himself anymore, lowered his voice and grinded his teeth to the golden guy, Hey, boy, get out of here! Go! Go! Go! How curious you are! Ive been hiding from you like this, and you still come back here, uh huh! Seeing the doctors behavior, Zhishu He sniggered. The big dog was so flexible that its body swooshed in from the crack as soon as its head came in. It was really a beautiful golden retriever. Ziyu Ai stood aside in almost tears, with a bowl of porridge in his hand, and said to Zhishu He, It doesnt bite people. Its just a little big Dont be afraid of it. The dog went close to Zhishu He, and they looked at each other in a silly way. The golden retriever wagged its tail as if greeting the new visitor. Zhishu He stroked its head, smiling at Ziyu Ai, Im not afraid of dogs. I like animals very much. Zhishu He was sitting by the bed, and on his white instep rested a pair of huge golden paws. Ziyu Ai relaxed, his facial expression softer and gentler, came up to Zhishu He and handed him the porridge, Eat some millet porridge. Its boiled for a whole morning and the taste is good. I always bring you so much trouble every day and I feel so sorry Ziyu Ai sat by the side of Zhishu He, with the dog like turning into like a dog-skin blanket, lying on the floor so that Ziyu Ai could relax his feet. The pupil color of Ziyu Ai, similar to that of the golden retriever, was gentle brown filled with loyalty. He looked at Zhishu He, shaking his head, Did you always treat a friend in the way you treat an outsider? Or you dont even regard me as a friend of yours? Nope, Zhishu He hurried to shake his head, long eyelashes drooping, as if trying hard to organize language, I just feel embarrassed to bother anyone else But Im so glad to meet you since I havent made a new friend for a long time. Ziyu Ai was satisfied with his answer. He urged Zhishu He to have some porridge and then take the medicine. He said, Stay here a few more days. Zhishu He froze upon his words, and then bantered, Id better leave. Personal physician sounds expensive. Theres nobody in your home. Are you sure you can take care of yourself? Ziyu Ai was clearly sounding out He about his private life, but pretending that he just mentioned that casually. Zhishu He did not express an opinion, clearly showing that he would not like to talk about it. You stay here today, and tomorrow Ill drive you home and get some medicine from the hospital in passing, Ziyu Ai did not urge him, kicking fat hip of the golden retriever, Play with my brother here. Zhishu He found it both funny and annoying, Doctor, I have four kittens to feed at home. Ziyu Ai did not remember seeing an animal in Hes home, but still promised, I will send someone to feed them. If you go home and have a fever again, youll be in trouble. Dont think about it. Just rest for a while. Zhishu He could not even find out a reason to refuse him. Ziyu Ai left with the bowl in his hand, leaving the dog jumping on the bed agilely. This was the first time for Zhishu He to see a doctor who liked animals and didnt suffer from mysophobia The golden fellow seemed to have been very accustomed to lying on the bed, resting half its body on the lap of Zhishu He. Stroking the dogs head, Zhishu He, who had eaten the millet porridge, felt warm in his stomach. Feeling the soft bed and warm air regulated by the air conditioner, Zhishu He let his mind wander. He had been dreaming of having such a cozy home with Wenxu Jiang as this one. The dog, with its damp, hot and soft tongue, licked Zhishu Hes cheek, which brought He back down to earth. Zhishu He pushed it aside. Scratched by its fur at his nose, Zhishu He felt like sneezing. After a while, the doctor came back. He might be off duty today. Taking the mobile phone, he lay next to Zhishu He, stroking the dog and browsing microblog. I dont have a guest room. Because it serves as a fitness room. The bed is comfortable. Ziyu Ai used three short sentences to successfully block the question that was almost blurted out by Zhishu He. It was not awkward for two men to lie in the same bed, each doing his own thing. Ziyu Ai was in fact thinking that the dog would earn some more bones in its next few meals. Chapter 24 - Sleep Together with Doctor Ai Zhishu He was a gentle person, not good at refusing others. So he stayed although he felt uncomfortable. The doctor made some soup and two light stir-fries as supper. Zhishu He had a poor appetite, but he was still trying to finish the half bowl of rice for feeling embarrassed to make leftovers. Ziyu Ai was so considerate that he took it away from Zhishu He, spooned out half a bowl of light crucian soup for him, and said, Have a piece of fish and a little soup. You need to take the medicine later. The doctor did it naturally, but Zhishu He was dumbfounded at that moment. He had mixed feelings, unable to keep his mind clear. But Ziyu Ai seemed not to regard his behavior as an intimate one. He even poured the remaining rice directly into his own bowl, added some scrambled eggs with tomatoes and quickly finished all the food. Seeing this, Zhishu He did not know what to say. Ziyu Ai, however, seemed not to care, and after the meal, he hummed a melody and went to fetch dog food for the dog which had been hanging around the table and waiting for nearly half an hour. Zhishu He was absent-minded with eyes dropping while he was clearing away dishes and leftovers, thinking that he should not gauge the heart of a gentleman with his own mean measure. Even He himself did not believe that the doctor would like such a poor and colorless invalid as him. But why had the doctor been so nice to him? There should be a reason for this. He had suffered enough for Wenxu Jiang, who got both his body and soul. The more happiness he experienced at the beginning, the more pain he would suffer in the end. He was aware of the fact that it was his own fault because he chose to be with Jiang. Zhishu He stopped thinking about anything since he could not get the result. When Ziyu Ai came back after feeding the dog, Zhishu He had already finished washing the dishes and was rinsing the dishcloth to wipe the marble counter. I invite you to be my home as my guest. You do the housework here, and I will be sorry for that, Ziyu Ai hurried to get his hands out of the cold water and said, How cold the water is! Ziyu Ai toweled the hands of Zhishu He so meticulously that he almost wiped every finger. The pair of hands were fair and thin, with blue blood vessels clearly seen. They were not pretty hands. But Ziyu Ai suddenly recalled that Zhishu He held the fox-furred collar of the down jacket with this pair of hands the other day, so gentle and so lonely at that moment; he felt a fire of desire burning in his body, but he could not control it. Ziyu Ai had always been abstinent and self-controlled, not expecting that one day he would be in the psychosexuality so much only by holding ones hands. His mind wandered a little longer. When Zhishu He withdrew his hand back, Ziyu Ai suddenly came back to himself, feeling a little embarrassed. Take a shower and youd better go to bed early. You have a fever during the day and your body is still weak, Ziyu Ai tossed the dishcloth aside. Leave the housework to me. Zhishu He was pushed into the bathroom, stuffed with a soft smoky bathrobe and a large towel in his hand. Pressing a smile out, he said thanks to Ziyu Ai. There were two bathrooms in the apartment. Zhishu He finished the shower before Ziyu Ai did. He took the new medicine, whose effect was too strong for him to resist. The more he thought, the more blurred he would feel. It was pretty tough. He lay prone on the bed and fell asleep lightly. Ziyu Ai took several cold showers in the bathroom before he dared come out. He played outside when he was rebellious and young years ago. As not only a big spender but a handsome man, he had met so many pretty girls and handsome boys chasing after him that he suffered from aesthetic fatigue now, not expecting to lose his heart to Zhishu He so easily. When the doctor came out of the bathroom, Zhishu He had been asleep, with most of his face buried in the pillow towel embroidered with the patterns of baby blue flowers. Ziyu Ais bathrobe was too big for Zhishu He, who was not aware that his shoulder and back were exposed. He had fair skin, but obvious bones because he was too thin. At the thought of Zhishu He being possessed by the other man, and his meek and slender neck being marked by the other man, Ziyu Ai was in an irrepressible rage. Ziyu Ai turned off the light and lay down beside Zhishu He. It was a great mistake for a doctor to fall in love with his patient, but he did not care. He was more worried about the health of Zhishu He. He knew better than anyone else that Zhishu He would not last to this season next year if the right bone marrow could not be found. Zhishu He began to feel uncomfortable in the wee hours; in a daze, he felt like being wrapped up by someone as if he was snuggling up to a big stove. He felt so hot that even his temples were damp, but he could not shake himself off the embrace. Half-awake, he pushed and touched a mans chest. Wenxu Jiang Dont hold me so tight The doctor, who was planning to pretend to be sleeping and innocent when Zhishu He sensed his existence, finally opened his eyes It was the second time for him to hear the name from Zhishu Hes mouth. He felt uncomfortable. Especially now, Zhishu He was lying in his arms and on his bed, but the right to hug him was borrowed from another man. Chapter 25 - To Investigate Wenxu Jiang Zhishu He did not get up early. He checked time and it was more than eight o clock. He opened the bedrooms door and went out, just meeting Ziyu Ai who returned from walking his dog, with breakfast in the hand. Didnt you sleep well last night? when Zhishu He was drinking soya-bean milk, he got a glimpse of the deep dark circles under the eyes of the doctor, and asked, Did I bother you? The doctor seemed tired today, listlessly lowering his head and scooping out the jellied bean curd, and replied, Nope. Zhishu He felt the bad mood of Ziyu Ai, but he did not know what was going on with Ai on earth, who was still in a good mood last night. He could not ask anything but to finish his meal in silence. After the meal, Doctor Ai drove Zhishu He to the hospital by a sedate Chevrolet. On the way, Ziyu Ai selected some songs for He, and asked in a gentle voice, Whose songs do you like? Zhishu He shook his head, smiling, Anyones is ok. Ziyu Ai played one at random. Then the melody was slowly streaming out, with some loneliness. After taking the medicine from the hospital, Ziyu Ai sent Zhishu He home. When they got to the gate of Hes housing estate, it was right lunch time. Zhishu He felt sorry to bother the doctor these days, so after consideration, he tried to ask, Dr. Ai, would you like to have lunch with me? My treat. Ziyu Ai refused, Some other day. You should go home and have a good rest. Zhishu He never liked to push others, which he was not good at. He merely said, Hm. Watching the Chevrolet be driven away, he turned around to go home. Ziyu Ai felt quite upset. For both himself and Zhishu He, it was not good to keep his feeling in the heart. It was true that Ziyu Ai liked Zhishu He. But now he really wondered whether the other man, whose neglect of Zhishu He for so long might be only due to Hes deliberate concealment of the illness, really had deep feelings for Zhishu He. Suddenly, as if thinking of something, Ai pulled over quickly and pressed a string of numbers on his mobile phone. Yu? It was a deep male voice. Are you busy, brother? Ziyu Ai closed his eyes, with his fingers tapping the steering wheel, I want to ask you for a favor. Ziqian Ai smiled, Its been a long time since you asked me to do anything. Whats the matter? Tell me. Help me investigate someone. Who? Wenxu Jiang, Ziyu Ai knew nothing about the man but the name. Speaking that out, he knew that his brother might not be able to find the man with so little information, and now he felt like a fool. But out of the expectation, after a short silence at the other end of the phone, Ziqian Ai asked, Which Wenxu Jiang? Brother, which one do you know? One of my recent cooperative partners, in his early thirties. A good-looking man with well-versed business skills, Ziqian Ai said with a pause, Why do you want to investigate him? Many thoughts whirled around in Ziyus mind; he felt that it was right the one he wanted to investigate, and replied with unexamined words, It seems to be his His boyfriend comes to me for physical examination. Ziqian Ai did not think much of the word boyfriend at all, as if being unimpressed. Then he sneered, Is there anyone who dares to call himself the boyfriend of Wenxu Jiang? This would make the man laugh to death. So many people flirted with him that no one could be counted as a formal lover. Hearing this, Ziyu Ai felt his fragile heart broke instantly. He told himself over and over again that there were so many people with the same name these days. But in his subconscious, he was clear that this was probably the truth, and unconsciously his eyes got wet. He even did not hear the following words of Ziqian Ai. At the other end of the phone, Ziqian Ai, who was busy, said hello for several times, but no one responded. So he hung up the phone with we can have a good chat when we meet some other day. Ziyu Ai sat still, his mind in a mess. Suddenly, he punched the steering wheel hard. How could he believe it? How dare he believe it? The once-in-a-life-time people for him, the one he treated as a treasure, was spoiled to such a poor state in such a dirty love trade. Zhishu, with hickeys on the neck, always stayed in that luxury alone, and when he was groggy, he even begged that man not to give him up. Ziyu Ai was so distressed that he felt like being fried in the pot. Zhishu He did not think of leaving Jiang, even badly ill. It was not about money or power; it was just because the man was so stupid that he loved Jiang that jerk so deeply. Ziyu Ai was clear about that. Chapter 26 - He Came Back Zhishu He opened the door, finding his home neat and tidy. It was obvious that Doctor Ai asked someone to clean it up. The four little cats were snuggling against each other and sleeping soundly with small snores. Zhishu He sighed softly. He knew that things were developing beyond his limited imagination. He could neither ignore nor accept them. The following days were so quiet that Zhishu Hes life seemingly came to an end, because Doctor Ai didnt answer Hes repeated calls. Zhishu He intended to invite Doctor Ai for a dinner. Wenxu Jiang didnt call him either, and only sent a few short messages expressing tender feelings late at night. It was four or five days later when Zhishu He finally went out again. He didnt have any appetite, but he needed to buy fruits and vegetables. It was windy outside today with snowflakes coming down. Tightening the scarf around the neck, Zhishu He was wondering to go home as soon as possible after buying some necessary stuff. He was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice a puddle of frozen water on the ground of an alley. He grazed his knees when he fell very hard to the ground. It was really painful, but Zhishu He didnt allow him to indulge in self-pity since he knew that no one cared about him. Silently, biting the lower lip, he picked himself up and collected his stuff scattered all over the ground. He couldnt stand up straight because of the pain in the knees, so he hobbled home slowly with a slightly-bent back. Zhishu He had been used to the loneliness as he lived alone for a long time. The longer one lived alone, the more taciturn one would become. Zhishu He wasnt born to be like this, but he had experienced too many hurts and separations. The four little cats grew fast. They had become very familiar with Zhishu He and liked to cling to He. Their naughty paws always tickled his arms or neck, making him feel warm in the heart. He was tired, but he didnt forget to prepare a pot of fish soup for them, which was still stewed in the kitchen. But Zhishu He didnt expect that Wenxu Jiang would come home after 11 p.m. He was a light sleeper, so he was instantly wakened upon the first noise of door opening. Kicking the Italian cow-leather boots off, Wenxu Jiang then threw his woolen overcoat onto the sofa as he always did. Wenxu Jiang would never remember to wear a scarf without Zhishu Hes repeated demands. Youre back? Why do you still stay up? Wenxu Jiang was surprised with raised eyebrows. Zhishu He came up to Jiang, softly held his hand, which was bloody cold, and said, I just woke up. Why dont you tell me when you would land at the airport, unless you dont want me to pick you up? Wenxu Jiang came close to He and kissed him on the forehead, The flight is too late. I dont want to disturb you, and its too cold at Beijings winter night. Zhishu He smiled noncommittally, but he withdrew his hand from Wenxu Jiang, said, How about fish soup? There is still some soup in the kitchen. Let me warm up it for you. Wenxu Jiangs cold eyes became warmer after he heard Zhishus words, and then he said, I go to take a shower first. Wenxu Jiang just took a short shower. When Jiang came out, Zhishu He was just pouring the hot soup into a white china bowl. This soup is so light. Holding the bowl, Wenxu Jiang sipped the soup as naive as a teenager. Zhishu He replied, The cats cant eat oil, and I dont like salty food. After drinking the soup as if taking the medicine, Wenxu Jiang called Zhishu He over, scooped He into his arms and pressed him on the sofa, Did you miss me? Were you having a good time with cats when I was away? Zhishu He only shook his head. The expression in Hes face was always gentle, but no one could ignore Hes alienation. Jiang moved closer to kiss Hes lips, but only lightly kissed He on the cheek as He turned his head away. I am really tired, Zhishu He touched Wenxu Jiangs nose with his finger tip, avoiding Jiangs eyes filled with complex feelings, You must be tired too, so go to bed early. But I really miss you. Wenxu Jiang frowned, and he got close again to Zhishu He to whisper in his ears, Lets have a hug. Zhishu He knew that it was Jiangs trump card to call for sex, because He was very sensitive to whispers in the ears, not to mention Jiangs sexy voice. However, Zhishu He only frowned with a sudden strike of sickness in the throat. Zhishu He didnt want to have sex with Jiang, so He voluntarily reached out to hug Jiang, and said Let me hug you. Now go to sleep. Chapter 27 - I Love You, but Dont Treat Me as a Fool... Translator: Ruriko Whats wrong? Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu Hes face, full of inquiry in his eyes. You are so strange all this while. Zhishu shook his head, and felt hurt on his cheeks due to thin callus of Wenxus hands. Do you blame me for neglecting you? Are you angry with me? Wenxu said in a tone as the way of soothing a child, with a little bit bantering sense in the voice. Now Im back, right? Zhishu raised his eyes and stared at Wenxu. The gaze was too complicated, but just for a moment, his eyes drooped again. He looked innocent and lovable with his thick and long eyelashes quietly covering the eyes. It seemed that the cold and sharp disappointment flashing across his eyes was just Wenxus illusion. Zhishu had always been gentle and soft; even so, just like now, he dropped his eyes, but at that moment he was arrogant and his manner was cold and distant to the extreme; such a gaze like a thorn tortured Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu suddenly remembered the call from Zhishu when Jiang was in France that afternoon. He was not sure if Zhishu heard Zui Shens voice. He should actually give a perfect explanation to Zhishu. But Zhishu didnt ask anything about it, so Wenxu definitely couldnt explain. When the call finished that day, Wenxu became so angry in his heart somehow. He directly turned a cold shoulder to Zui Shen. What Wenxu hated most was the lovers wanted to replace his couple- Zhishu, the only one he loved and accepted. No one deserved his love, except Zhishu. When Zui Shen talked back on that day, Wenxu Jiang directly gave him a slap across the face and a ticket back to China. After Zui Shen left, Wenxu was indeed handling the work in France. Wenxu guessed that Zhishu was suspicious of him, but did not expect the result was so serious. Honey, I am wrong, Wenxu held Zhishus face and gently kissed his eyebrows and cheeks. My fault Ive neglected you. Ill take you out on New Years Day, wherever you want to go Wenxu kissed Zhishu, but Zhishu said nothing, looking up at Wenxu with his long eyelashes fluttering like a butterflys wings. Wenxus heart was melted, and all the apologies and guilt were rushing into his heart. He became much gentler, Little ShuI love you the most, so please dont ignore me The tears suddenly came down, even though Zhishu closed his eyes, trying to cover them, Wenxu Jiang I dont miss you. It doesnt matter. I miss you anyway. Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu He in his arms and then pressed him on the bed in the bedroom. Zhushu missed Wenxu so much that he felt hurt in his heart, but he still refused to admit it. How could the man, who with his lover enjoyed the journey, express his missing in such an affectionate way? Indeed, good acting skills had nothing to do with feelings. Wenxu Jiang could see through Hes lies at one glance, but Zhishu He couldnt escape from Jiangs gentle trap. Turn off the lights, okay? Zhishu slightly trembled, because he felt excited when Wenxu kissed him on the neck. Honey, let me see, Wenxu bit Zhishus chin, and smiled gently. We have been together for so long time and so familiar with each others body. Dont be shy. Zhishu breathed unstably. He was only afraid that Wenxu could see the pinholes and bruises on his arms. Zhishu almost cried and said in a hoarse voice, Please Turn off the lights. Wenxu had no choice but to follow him, and then he completely possessed Zhishu in the darkness. Zhishu Wenxu moved fast, and almost embedded Zhishus whole body into his arms. He Zhishu faced Wenxu, sitting in front of him, and was invaded into an unprecedented depth. He put his chin on Wenxus shoulder, and couldnt help begging and sobbing in a low voice. Jiang Wenxu Jiang Ah Zhishu was forced to lie prostrate on the bed and finally cried, Slowly Please slowly Um No Uh You call me what? Wenxu moved faster, and he grasped Zhishus waist which was slender beyond his impression. The pain even made Zhishus voice disjointed. Brother Brother Jiang Do you realize your mistake? Zhishu was almost faint. He shook his head and answered subconsciously, No I dont know Wenxu clinging to the bare back of Zhishu, asked in a husky and gentle tone, Do you miss me? Zhishu said in a choked voice, YeahVery much Wenxu suddenly felt relieved and a little delighted, then gave Zhishu a peck on the earlobe. Wenxu moved much gentler and said, Baby I miss you too Zhishu heard such a sentence, but felt that the body was getting cold slowly, only leaving disappointment and pain. I love you, but dont treat me as a fool When everything finished, Zhishu was softly lying prone on the bed. Wenxu scooped him into his arms and let Zhishu lie prone on his chest. This kind of action was what they used to do at the first few years. At that time, they even had no money to pay for the heating bills in winter. Zhishu was sensitive to coldness, so Wenxu used to hold him tightly in his arms and wrap themselves in the quilt. He had always been reluctant to made Zhishu suffer anything from the start Wenxu couldnt fall into sleep, and touched Zhishus hair in the dark from time to time. How could he leave Zhishu at home and sleep with others? Or he believed that the person he really cared about was different from those people who screwed with him. Chapter 28 - Zhishu Had a Fever Again Zhishu He had a restless sleep. He woke up early in the morning, tired and feeble. After staggering to take a bath, he put on the pajama and quietly went back to lie on the bed again. Zhishu He was cold but the quilt with Wenxu Jiang inside was warm like a comfortable stove. For the northern part of China, the sunrise in winter was normally very late. Wenxu Jiang, who was obviously exhausted recently, was still in a sound sleep. Biting the lower lip, Zhishu He carefully moved closer to softly hug his mans waist. Zhishu Hes love for Jiang was so deep that the fear and affection for Jiang had merged into his blood and soul. Even though he had accepted hemodialysis several times, his love for Jiang was never filtered out; it was just there, in each cell, and had become an unspeakable instinct since long time ago. There would be no such person as Zhishu He who would accompany Wenxu Jiang for seven harsh years, endure three years of long wait as Jiang was having affairs outside and spend the last year of his life to love Jiang. It was only Zhishu He, who could always be so tender and brave. Only Zhishu He. Wenxu Jiang woke up to find Zhishu He still sleeping in his arms. Jiang tightened his grasp over He in the half-awake state. Due to the subconscious love for He, no one was allowed by Jiang to stay in his bed for the whole night, except Zhishu He. Zhishu Hes physique didnt change a lot over these years, as he slept in Jiangs arms now as a cute cat as if they were back in high school. Wenxu Jiang just couldnt remember when Zhishu stopped to cling to him, when Zhishu stopped to ask for his whereabouts when he stayed out all night, and when Zhishu He stopped to look into his dubious friends. Zhishu He was always alone, just becoming more and more taciturn and cheerless. Even Wenxu Jiang thought he was bored with Zhishu He for quite a long time and didnt want to stay with He, but until today Jiang suddenly realized that he was simply too afraid to face Zhishu He. Jiang was afraid to confront Hes tender but vacant look, evasive eyes, and subconscious resistance in bed. Wenxu Jiang reached out his hand to tuck Hes messy hair behind the ear, while looking at Zhishu with soft and deep look. Zhishu He was still sleeping with regular breathing, and his breath made Jiangs heart itch. In the end, Jiang couldnt help but touch Hes flushed face. Wenxu Jiang was in a daze when he found that Zhishu He was having a fever. Zhishu? Be a good boy, get up, Wenxu Jiang said with raised eyebrows, and slightly pinched the tip of Zhishu Hes nose. Zhishu He was used to a low fever, so he didnt have any obvious feeling of discomfort. Instead Zhishu He was suffering from the headache after being woken up by Wenxu Jiang. So He gently shook his head and snuffled in a soft way to show his rejection. Wenxu Jiang enjoyed Zhishu Hes spoiled manner like a willful child, so he just tucked Zhishu in and got out of bed to search for medicine. Surprisingly, the bookcase, though not big originally, was now half empty and the other half was filled with different sizes of glass bottles with medicine inside. They were supposed to be medicine, however, they didnt look like to be. If they were really medicine, then it was weird to have so much over here. Wenxu Jiang didnt take it seriously; he found the medicine for fever from the medical box and hurried to Zhishu Hes side. Take some medicine first, and then continue sleeping, Wenxu Jiang brought a cup of water to Hes lips, I will cook millet congee for you later. Zhishu He slowly came to sense, and moved over to take the medicine. Wenxu Jiang asked, Did I hurt you in bed last night? Zhishu He wrapped the quilt around himself, turned his back to Jiang, and didnt answer him. I have time today; let me take you to hospital after breakfast. Have you been treating yourself harshly, baby? You are so thin! Moving his hand gently over Hes hair, Wenxu Jiang was a little astonished to find He was so skinny. Zhishu stiffened and sullenly replied, I dont want to go to hospital. Pausing for a few seconds, he added, Go to feed my cats, please. Dont be like this. Listen to me, Wenxu Jiang would never compromise on what he had determined to do, but he realized he was too tough on words when speaking with Zhishu He, so Jiang also added, I will go to feed the cats, so dont worry about that. Seeing Jiang walk out of the room, He still didnt want to go to hospital. Their relationship was doomed to end, and it was too late to make up for what had been missed. Zhishu He would never accept apology or guilt, if they were based on sympathy. Wenxu Jiang, where were you in the very first place? The look in Zhishu Hes eyes was sad, as He recalled that just two months ago, Wenxu Jiang neither agreed to come home to eat dumplings with him, nor asked about why his face was so pale. Otherwise, Zhishu He wouldnt have kept his secret so long on his own. It took more than love for one to withstand all neglect and hurt, and to devote ones affection and even life to the other, in disregard of death. Zhishu Hes face got paler, He could pretend to be tough, or display his weakness to resist the things he didnt want to do. After Wenxu Jiang made breakfast and went back to bedroom to call Zhishu He for the breakfast, Jiang found that Zhishu curled up in bed, and Hes little face was pale and covered with cold sweat. Zhishu He noticed Jiang, and he lifted his head with eyes filled with tears. Zhishu wanted to speak but only opened his mouth, and murmured, Brother I am aching Which part is aching? Tell me. Zhishu, dont frighten me I am feeble, and my waist and legs are so aching. Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu He into his arms with the quilt wrapped around his body. Jiang only supposed that the sex last night made Zhishu tired, and Zhishu happened to have a fever, so he felt so uncomfortable. Jiang softly comforted, You need to have a good rest; lets take congee later. I will accompany you to have a physical examination some other day. Zhishu He nodded, knowing that he had kept his secret one more time. Chapter 29 - Love Made People Tolerant and Silent without Complaint Wenxu Jiang was really busy. He planned to stay at home with Zhishu He, but he answered When Wenxu Jiang hung up the secretarys phone, he reached out and closed up the collar of Zhishus downy pajamas. Then he fed him a spoonful of porridge, Warm your stomach, and then lie down. Ill accompany you to have a good rest. Zhishu sat quietly, having the porridge. Before he said something, Wenxu Jiangs phone rang again. Wenxu Jiang put down the bowl to pick up his cell phone, but his face turned extremely gloomy when he saw the caller display. He hung up the phone directly and shut it down. Then he looked up at Zhishu with a smile, Im sorry to bother you with the trifles of the company since I promised to accompany you. Zhishu pretended that he didnt see the callers name Shen, which was short but annoying. Wenxu Jiang was absolutely not in a good mood now. In fact, he was so angry that he wanted to kill Zui Shen. Wenxu Jiang preferred Zui Shens tactful character except his pretty face at the beginning. Zui Shen looked happy every time Wenxu called him and never play tricks or lost his temper because of feeling left out. Zui Shens smile was little silly but warm. Wenxu Jiang really had an affection for him so Zui Shen could stay with him for more than two years. But now, Wenxu Jiang felt bored with Zui Shen. In France, Zui Shen interrupted Jiangs call even he knew that was from Zhishu. This time, Wenxu had shut down the special number for Zui Shen; Zui Shen should have known that Wenxu Jiang didnt want to contact him, but Zui Shen still dialed this number. Did Shen want to track Wenxu Jiang? It was crazy to do that. Shen might as well consider his weight in the heart of Wenxu Jiang. He thought Wenxu Jiang cared about him and wanted to be the formal spouse of Jiang after years of company. Wenxu Jiang didnt mind Zui Shen secretly learnt the behaviors and habits of Zhishu. Sometimes he looked at these little habits and even indulged in enjoyment when missing Zhishu. But Wenxu Jiang couldnt allow things that even Zhishu didnt do were done by Zui Shen. Would you like some? The voice of Zhishu made Jiang Wenxu suddenly earth to himself. His soft tone was somewhat weak and husky. Wenxu Jiang shook his head and fed the remaining half bowl of porridge to Zhishu, Where do you want to go? After New Years Day, I have a week time to spare. Zhishu wrinkled his delicate brow, looking sideways at Wenxu Jiang, like a kitten trying to rub itself against owners leg in a spoiled manner, Travel is tiring. Wenxus heart was heavily touched and melted. He threw the spoon, pressed Zhishu at the back of the chair and gave Zhishu a long French kiss till his mouth was full of sweet smell of porridge. Zhishu Zhishu Wenxu Jiang muttered his name several times, and suddenly realized that the lovers outside were meaningless and the most desirable one was still Zhishu He. Zhishus body was softened by this kiss. He was somewhat confused by Wenxu Jiangs behavior. Zhishu He thought that Wenxu Jiang was like an emperor who suddenly realized he should dote on all his wives in the palace, and now it was his turn. Wenxu JiangZhishu escaped a kiss on his lips. His eyes were a little dull, Your mother told me that our relationship couldnt survive thirty years old. Wenxu Jiang was stunned. These things were too harsh to both of them. He did not know why Zhishi suddenly mentioned this. But he comforted Zhishu casually, Youre thirty and Im thirty-one years old this year. We did survive it, didnt we? Zhishu burst into tears. He grasped Wenxus shirt and his thin shoulders trembled sharply. He said, Yes, we survived it. In order to prove that your mother is wrong, I will try my best to survive 30 years old Zhishu He seldom cried in front of Wenxu Jiang. He was tender, but he bore much in these years. In fact, he was often bullied to cry in bed by Wenxu Jiang. Zhishu knew that there was a streak of sadism in Wenxu Jiangs nature, and he could not satisfy Jiang. When he cried, Wenxu wouldnt go on. Later, Wenxu Jiang became more and more gentle in bed and finally chose to be wild in other peoples beds. Wenxu Jiang didnt know what Zhishu was crying about, and his heart was almost broken upon Zhishus tears. He did not know that Zhishu was crying for them. One with deep love was short-lived while the other was promiscuous. He was weeping for their love of fourteen years turned sour. When they were in high school. One day, after classes were over, Wenxu Jiang gave a note to Zhishu He. He asked, Do you know how it feels to like someone very much? When Wenxu Jiang was young, he did not use the word love easily, but he loved Zhishu He much more than any time. That night, Zhishu held the note in his hand and thought about the question all night. Finally, he thought of Huang Biyun (a female writer of Hong Kong)s sentence that love made people tolerant and silent without complaint and sadness. This answer had been weighed and considered in Zhishus mind for thousands of times for more than ten years, but it had not been given to Wenxu Jiang. As if in Zhishus heart, love would fade away with words. The more he cared about, the faster he lost. But eventually love would be lost. Zhishu cried hard and got sleepy in the end. When he finally slept in Wenxus arms, he seemed to smell the fragrance of jasmine fourteen years ago. Chapter 30 - I Have No Desire for You at This Moment Zhishu He had a long dream. He dreamed of the chalk powder all over the air in the classroom, the boy waiting patiently for him to come home with the schoolbag on one shoulder, the lonely flowers nurtured by his Grandpa in the courtyard on the day of Grandpas death, and himself, who stood in the empty corridor of the hospital and wept hopelessly, with a pale face. When the boy with the schoolbag on one shoulder grew up, Zhishu He became the one who waited for the boy to come home. Flowers in the garden withered, and Zhishu He vowed not to grow flowers anymore. It was already dark outside when Zhishu woke up. He still felt giddy and pushed open the bedroom door in a daze. There was no light in the living room. Smoke filled the room. Wenxu Jiang stood by the window and smoked. The cigarette flamed in the dark room, and the cigarette ends had accumulated in the ashtray. I have urged you to quit smoking.Zhishu said in a husky voice. Wenxu was stunned and subconsciously put out the cigarette, Im sorry. Zhishu He turned on the light, You smoke when youre upset. Whats bothering you? Zhishu sat on the platform with his forehead against the window, looking far into the distance. Wenxu smiled and bent down to touch the top of his hair, Dont worry about me. Its just work. Zhishu did not say anything. He felt dizzy and blood dropped on the snow-white blanket. When Zhishu stretched out his fingers in a trance to touch the bloodstains, the blood flowed faster from his nose because he lowered his head. Wenxu Jiang was shocked and stretched out his arm to stop the unstoppable blood. What are you thinking about? Look up, come on! Look up! Wenxu was worried and squatted down to let Zhishu lie supine on his lap. Their clothes and hands were sticky and covered with blood. It took a long time to stop the bleeding. Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu in his arms and went to the bathroom to clean Zhishu. He carefully adjusted the water temperature for Zhishu. Why did you suddenly have a nosebleed? Zhishu frowned, his lips looked pale because of excessive loss of blood, The weather is too dry. Winter in the north is dry and cold. Ill have someone buy a humidifier for you tomorrow. Wenxu Jiang washed Zhishus face. He wanted to take a bath with Zhihsu since their clothes were stained with blood, but he was pushed away by Zhishu. Zhishu used much of his strength to push Wenxu and clutched his own collar tightly. His nails even turned blue because of force. Wenxu was stunned, Whats wrong? He was a little embarrassed with grievance and felt puzzled, Your clothes are dirty. I can clean by myself. Zhishus eyes didnt fell on Wenxu Jiang and he still looked resistant. Jiangs face got gloomy and he said coldly, You are so dirty, with the smell of blood. I have no desire for you at this moment. Zhishu knew that he had misunderstood, but he didnt how to explain. He could only watch Wenxu Jiang wash his hands without saying a word and then leave the bathroom. Just after five minutes, with a slam Wenxu left home. Quite well. With so many obedient lovers outside, Wenxu Jiang didnt need to keep his temper and take care of Zhishu here. Zhishu slowly took off his clothes. His arms were covered with pinholes which looked terribly blue on his body. Zhishu embraced himself in the warm water of the bathtub, and suddenly he was a little afraid. He felt it was time to make some sort of decision, such as where he should end up. No matter where he died, it was troublesome enough. If he died at home and nobody knew this for over ten days, he would surely look awkward. It was not good to frighten Wenxu Jiang. Zhishu suddenly laughed when he thought about it. He realized that the process of a persons death was easy, but the difficult thing was aftermath of death. Hot water softened Zhishus body, but he didnt stay in the water for a long time. He wiped himself up while he still had some strength. He carefully put on his thick pajamas and felt a little warm. In the living room, the smell of smoke had not dissipated. The smell of Su Cigarette was not unpleasant. But this smell made Zhishu painful. When he felt the headache, he found that he had forgotten to take medicine all day, so he forced himself to boil water and take the medicine. A handful of pills would usually torture his stomach for a long time. Zhishu lay on the sofa, waiting for the efficacy of pills. The kittens played around him. Their paws made Zhishu feel itchy. When he heard the key open the door, he thought it was a hallucination until the man with a gloomy face stood in front of him. Stop playing with cats and wash your hands for dinner, Wenxu Jiang still wore a long face, but he wandered outside and bought a meal. Stir-fried Pigs Liver can enrich your blood, Wenxu Jiang poured the dishes into plates and said in a cold tone, but his expression was mild. Zhishu sat at the dining table, with his mind wandering. He thought of Wenxu Jiang who really would not be indifferent to him for such a trifle in the old days. Chapter 31 - I Like You Very Much, Zhishu! Wenxu Jiang seemed to stop playing around. In Zhishus eyes, at least Wenxu Jiang knew to go home; he went to work on time and came back home no matter how late it was. Zhishus illness situation was the same as before. It was not good, but it did not deteriorate. It was not until he went to the hospital several times that he found that Dr. Ai had been avoiding him. Zhishu did not think much about the change of his doctor in charge, since he thought Ziyu Ai was too busy. However, Zhishu understood something until he saw Ziyu Ai come out of the office but pretended he hadnt seen Zhishu. Zhishu didnt understand the change of his attitude completely. In his impression, Dr. Ai always took good care of him. The two people could be regarded as friends, but why did Dr. Ai suddenly turn a cold shoulder to Zhishu? Zhishu was not particularly sensitive to the sophistication of human feelings, and this was very baffling. Zhishu continued to come to the hospital for chemotherapy, which was the third time that he had done, and there was no one being with him. The process of treatment was extraordinarily long and painful so that later in Zhishus memory, the winter was long and the wind seemed never to stop; except the gray sky, all he could see was the snow-white walls of the hospital. It took him more than ten minutes to get up after the chemotherapy. He walked against the wall and his pale face matched the snow-white wall. He looked haggard and lonely with the skinny body. The nausea caused by headache and the sequelae of chemotherapy blurred his dull eyes. He couldnt hold on anymore so he squatted down slowly and waited to get through his dizziness. After a long time, Zhishu came to himself and noticed there was someone in front of him. What leaped to the eyes was a pair of pure deerskin shoes with soft soles, followed by straight trousers, white coat and a very handsome face. Come to my office and rest for a while? Ziyu Ais brown pupils were gentle. There was a sense of inexplicable sadness in his eyes. Zhishu bit his lip and wanted to stand up, but it was too hard. Ziyu Ai did not help him with restraint as usual. He directly carried Zhishu into his arms. Doctor! Zhishu was shocked and gave a short cry. Ziyu Ai did not wrinkle his brow but marched forward. He might feel Zhishus embarrassment and shouted twice, Emergency! The look in eyes of the patients around changed from doubt to understanding. The layout of the lounge remained unchanged, but the quilts that had not been sunned recently were a little damp. Thank you, doctor, Zhishu hadnt calmed down, and there was some redness brought by hypoxia on his face. Ziyu Ai lowered his head and didnt talky after he put Zhishu on the bed. For a moment, the air was silent to freeze. Zhishu pressed his lips and gently pulled the doctors sleeve twice, Whats wrong? The doctor looked up abruptly and hugged Zhishu tightly, Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Ziyu Ais eyes turned red, and the moment he looked up, Zhishu saw his sadness which was so strong that it almost could drown himself. Whats wrong? Zhishus shoulders relaxed after a sudden stiffness. He patted the doctor on the shoulder in a comforting way, Whats wrong with you? Bone marrow Bone marrowZiyus voice choked, I found one matching with you! That should be yours. But mayors son is also in urgent need for it so it was taken away after detection Zhishu was stunned and then laughed, Just for this? It doesnt matter. I thought what happened to you. Zhishus voice was very gentle. He was the person who should feel sad, but he comforted Ziyu Ai, Proper bone marrow can be found again. The mayors son must be more precious than me, so its a matter of course that he gets it. Thats not for him. The mayors son took it for his sick lover. Its not for himself that he uses power. Having affection and faith, this person is not bad, Zhishu even tried to amuse Ziyu Ai. He knew how difficult it was to find the right bone marrow, and this miss basically sentenced him to death. But that might be his fate. No, Ill beg my brother to find some way out There must be a way, Zhishu. Zhishu felt extremely sorry and sad when seeing others worry about him. Finally tears welled up in his eyes, Doctor Doctor Ai, it doesnt matter. Im one of your patients. Its inevitable that I cant be cured. Its not an accident. Ziyu Ai got up and stooped to Zhishu. There was something glittering in his eyes, I dont want to just treat you as a patient Before Zhishu said anything, Ziyu Ai came up, caught his shoulders, and then kissed him on the lips with a restrained feeling of failure, I like you very much, Zhishu! I want to control my feeling and I try to avoid you, but I really cant suppress my love. Im really scared. Chapter 32 - Who Was the Winner in Love? Zhishus eyes widened in surprise. He was so shocked that he did not even struggle at the first time. He came to himself and bit Ai hard when he felt that Ais tongue was trying to enter his mouth. Ziyu Ai let go of Zhishu. The blood in his mouth made him sober. He wanted to apologize to Zhishu, or give him a comforting hug like a friend. But he could only see the paler face with disgust and distrustful look of Zhishu. Zhishu Ziyu Ai carefully called the name of Zhishu, trying to reach out and touch the back of his hand. But He flung Ais hand away and then slapped Ai hard across the face in next moment. Zhishu pushed Ziyu Ai away and got out of the bed without saying a word. He saw nothing but that door. Ziyu Ai grabbed Zhishus wrist and said, Its my fault. Youre not in good health. Have a rest for a while and then go back, okay? Zhishu clenched his teeth and tried hard to pull his wrist out of the doctors hand. Ziyu Ai was afraid of hurting Zhishu and could only let Zhishu go. He was really impulsive today like a devil. His body was not controlled by his brain. Zhishu, ZhishuZiyu Ai could only follow Zhishu out of the lounge since he couldnt stop Zhishu and went through the corridor, I really like you. Do you really dislike me so much? Zhishu suddenly stopped. He looked back at Ziyu Ai for a long time before he looked away. His voice was gentle and soft as before, I just dont want to see you go astray. Youre good. But I cant hurt you. However, Ziyu didnt care about the rejection and alienation of Zhishu. He realized that Zhishu forgot to take his coat in his hurry. The sick people had poor immunity and were afraid of cold. Zhishus illness was especially severe. Getting cold meant a fever to him often. Ziyu even took off his white coat in a hurry. He wrapped his clothes around Zhishu. His voice was almost imploring, Stop talking. I wont force you. Its too cold. Ill drive you home early. You can refuse me after getting on the car, okay? Zhishus heart ached violently. At this moment, he suddenly felt some grievance for Ziyu Ai. The young and rich doctor was self-restrained at first, but now his eyes would easily run over with tears and he even pleaded for Zhishus opinion with such humble words, asking Zhishu whether he could do it or not, whether he was not good, and whether Zhishu disliked him. How could Dr. Ai, so good a person, fall in love with Zhishu He? Zhishu He just could not believe it, since he always regarded Ai as a close friend. Even now, Zhishu was reluctant to embarrass Ziyu Ai. When Doctor Ai felt Zhishu stopped struggling, he tentatively held the cold hand of Zhishu. Ziyus hands were dry and warm. He couldnt help giving Zhishu a little warmth. He took the cold hand of Zhishu and finally changed from a tight grip to fingers crossed. When Zhishu got on the car, he tore off Ais white coat. But he didnt throw it aside. He just hesitated for a moment and folded it neatly. Ziyu Ai seldom felt his mood fluctuated upon someones behavior. He was still heartbroken in the last second. But he tasted a hint of sweetness in the pain at this moment. He turned up the temperature of the air conditioner and slowed down the car. Im sorry, finally, Ziyu Ai broke the silence first. I think its right to like someone. Im wrong to kiss you without your consent. Zhishu turned the silver ring on his right ring finger and rubbed it over and over again. Its my fault. I enjoyed your tenderness and warmth, but theres no way to repay your help. No matter what thoughts you hold on me, its true that youre kind to me. Im not doing this so you can repay me,Ziyu Ai felt insulted. Zhishu He knew it clearly, and he laughed, Not just like that. The car was parked at the gate. Zhishu got off and knocked on the window of the drivers seat. When the window fell down, Zhishu smiled weakly and said, You see, if I dont have this weak body and bad look, it would be nothing to make you comfortable by it. Ziyus face turned pale for a moment, and even his mouth lost its color, I never knew that you could be so cruel. These words cut Ziyus heart like knifes, though there was no blood. Zhishu worn the flimsy clothes in the wind. His beautiful eyes made the whole winter look gorgeous. He waved, turned around, and soon disappeared in Ziyus sight. It was not definite who fell in love first would lose. Wenxu Jiang won finally. But if one fell in love with the person who was doomed not to love back, he would surely lose like Ziyu Ai. When Zhishu He opened the door and entered the room, his hands were frozen and somewhat stiff. As blowing on his fingers to warm them, he changed his shoes and saw the 16-hole Italian leather shoes that Wenxu Jiang wore in the morning. Only then did he realize that there was someone at home. Wenxu Jiang was very busy. He left early and returned late. During the daytime, he had no time to care about Zhishu He. Neither of them bothered the other. Wenshu Jiang was busy with his career. Zhishu He went to the hospital by himself. Their time was well planned. Zhishu glanced at his watch. It was just over five oclock in the afternoon. He really didnt expect Wenxu Jiang would come back so early. Wenxu Jiang heard the sound of opening the door. Just after Zhishu walked a few steps to the room, door of the study room was opened. Wensu Jiang still held a financial statement in English with a pair of low-degree gold rimmed glasses on his nose. Wenxus voice was gentle, Tell me what you did today. Zhishu He felt a cold shiver for no reason. Chapter 33 - Trouble Caused by a Scarf Wenxu Jiang didnt show any expression. He looked at Zhishu as if he was reading a contract. Jiangs expression was cold and rational. At least, it seemed rational for now. Wheres your coat? Wenxu Jiang scanned the whole body of Zhishu and took off his glasses. He had only a very low degree of myopia. He would wear them for a while only when he studied important contracts for negotiation. Zhishu felt that he might be too cold, even his reaction slowed down. He smiled at Wenxu Jiang and said in a weak voice, Didnt you have dinner? Wenxu Jiangs expression changed in an instant, and a stack of documents were directly smashed on Zhishu He. The documents had not yet been stapled, and the papers were sweeping all over him. It was not painful, but the sadness fell on the heart of Zhishu He. Wenxu Jiang was in a good mood today. After working on a bidding project for a long time, he finally got in touch with Mayor Lis precious son. That guy was very affectionate towards his lover who got fatal illness and had been in the blues. Recently, it was said that he gained the suitable marrow, so he was happy and easily gave the benefits to Wenxu Jiang. Now there was just rounding-off work. Wenxu Jiang also knew that he had been indifferent to Zhishu for a long time. He came home early and wanted to accompany Zhishu. But Zhishu wasnt at home. As a matter of fact, Wenxu Jiang didnt get angry for that. Jiang thought that it was normal for Zhishu to go out and buy some vegetables or daily necessities. He waited patiently for a long time. When people were bored, they liked to think about something or do something. Wenxu Jiang didnt want to work at home. Suddenly, he remembered the scarf Zhishu bought for him last year. On New Years Day, he wanted to take Zhishu to see ice sculptures in Harbin. Wearing this scarf was also an implicit attitude of showing his love to Zhishu. The trouble came from a scarf. When Wenxu Jiang found a neat classic Burberry scarf folded in the paper bag, he thought about when he had such a scarf for a long time. He always cared about his own things. He was sure that the scarf was not his. Whose scarf was that? Zhishu He was absolutely reluctant to buy such an expensive scarf for himself. Was that a gift from Zhishu? But the label was removed and it looked like it had been worn. Wenxu Jiang smelled a cold fragrance and the disinfectant from hospital when he just approached the scarf. Suddenly, he recalled the doctor who drove the Ferrari and sent Zhishu a potted orchid worth 2 million yuan. That was a serious thing. Wenxu Jiang was so possessive of his spouse. He seldom showed this possessiveness because Zhishu was gentle and meek and barely went out. Jiang Wenxu wondered what Zhishu did in the place he didnt see. Couldnt Zhishu stand loneliness? Were there more other things from another man besides the scarf in their house? What did they do in his home in countless nights when he didnt come back? Were they entangled with each other on the bed? The more Wenxu Jiang thought, the more disgusted he felt. Imagination was sometimes a very harmful thing. Wenxu Jiang let his imagination fly and waited for Zhishu the whole afternoon. What kind of purchase could cost whole afternoon? Zhishu must be on a date. Before Wenxu Jiang had time to think more, Zhishu He came back. Are you fucking good at it, Zhishu He? I dont know that you can seduce men with the same reactions as a dead fish in bed? Wenxu Jiang squinted at Zhishu with a sneer. That kind of look in his eyes hurt Zhishu very much. Zhishu dropped his eyes and knelt down slowly to help Wenxu Jiang gather the documents one by one. He didnt want to talk to a man who was unreasonable. Although Wenxu Jiangs words hurt Zhishu more than the cold north wind blowing outside. But his attitude annoyed Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu Jiang could not bear Zhishus silence and he felt it was acquiescence. Wenxu Jiang was thoroughly annoyed. The more silent Zhishu was, the more disgusted he felt. He went up and kicked Zhishu, who was still half kneeling, on the shoulder. Zhishu did not expect Wenxu Jiang would kick him all of a sudden. He could only feel a pain on his shoulder, and then with that strength, he hit a sharp corner of the tea table behind him. After the bone marrow aspiration, the waist of Zhishu was not good. He huddled and could not stretch because of the sudden pain caused by the collision. Im asking you where you went, Wenxu Jiang turned a blind eye to Zhishus pain, and questioned Zhishu in a cold voice. Hospital, Zhishu looked up at Wenxu Jiang, with a pale face and deep hurt in his eyes. Did you leave your clothes in the hospital?Wenxu hooked his lips and bent down to pinch Zhishus chin. Yes, Zhishu didnt explain. That was the fact. He didnt know the imagination of Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu frowned slowly. He loosened his pinch on the chin of Zhishu. His eyes were full of disgust like he was a little girl who had heard dirty jokes for the first time. He commented with surprise in a malicious tone, Why are you so slutty? Where do you feel better when fucking with the doctor? Ward? Lounge? Or my bed? Zhishu He suddenly raised his head. It was unbelievable. The man who he spent most of his life loving with all his heart and soul insulted him with such vicious words! Zhishu struggled to stand up, and tried hard to keep the balance, Wenxu Jiang! He also wondered how he could pronounce Wenxu Jiangs name so loudly though he was as weak as water at this moment. How could you say that to me? Are you sure youre clean enough? How can you play around outside and judge me like a decent man?! You think I dont know what youve done? You really treat me as a fool, dont you? You are totally a jerk! Zhishu was interrupted by a loud slap across his face. Wenxu Jiang was so angry that he didnt think about if he was wrong with his double-standard; he just wondered if Zhishu really slept with another man. Zhishu was his love since he was a teenager and he even didnt want to show Zhishu to anybody. The slap made Zhishus mind muddled and his ears buzzing. Wenxu Jiang came up and grabbed the wrist of Zhishu to drag him to the bedroom. He was not Doctor Ai who was unwilling to compel or hurt Zhishu. Wenxu Jiang was so vigorous that he pinched the wrists of Zhishu to blue. I just have to join in the spirit of the occasion. What youve done in home? Dont you have a choice? Why are you keeping a dubious relationship with that man? Uh huh? Or you just need someone to fuck you!? The scarf which caused this trouble was thrown on the bed. The mattress and sheet of that bed were thrown all over the ground because Wenxu Jiang felt they were dirty and disgusting. Zhishu noticed the scarf and remembered that the day Doctor Ai drove him home, Ai wrapped it around his neck. He folded it up, but forgot to return it when going to the hospital. Whose scarf? Wenxu Jiang pointed at the scarf. Zhishu laughed sadly, A doctors. Your clothes are left in the doctors place, and the doctors scarf is in my house. Can you two not be so shameless? Zhishu wanted to slap Wenxu across the face and make him stop talking in a voice dripping with sarcasm, but anger choked his words. Zhishu was pressed on the bed by Wenxu Jiang. His back was hurt by the bed board, which was cold and rough. I hate you, Zhishu didnt resist Wenxu Jiangs actions. Even his tone was quiet and flat, But the three words made Wenxu Jiang shiver. That momentary panic was followed by more violent anger. Wenxu Jiang used the scarf to tie the wrists of Zhishu tightly, Youre really bold enough now. You dare say anything, right? Youre short of men, right? Believe me, I can keep you from being touched by others! The smell of disinfectant on the scarf lingered in Zhishus nose. He was very distracted at an inopportune time. It was the same smell when Doctor Ai came up and hugged him. The doctor was so cautious and frightened; he probably liked Zhishu so much that he couldnt do any violence to Zhishu. What about Wenxu Jiang? Their clothes were not completely taken off. Wenxu Jiang just undid the zip of his trousers. Bastard, Wenxu Jiang was rude without any pity, I shouldnt leave you at home! Zhishu shivered beneath Wenxu Jiang as if he was stabbed deeper by a knife. Wenxu Jiang did not lubricate him but used fingers soaked in saliva for his insertion. Wenshu He never felt so painful. It was almost when Wenxu Jiang just sent his baby-maker in, Zhishu was torn and bleeding. Zhishu gritted his teeth and could not help moaning bitterly. Then he began to bite his lips, tongue, and the soft inner wall of his mouth. Chapter 34 - Wenxu Jiang, Tell Me How Long I Can Live Without Love The consciousness of Zhishu He was intermittent, and in the most painful time he was in a trance, thinking that he was dying. He couldnt even cry in pain, with cold sweat on his forehead. In fact, Wenxu Jiang was also uncomfortable in this process. He was painful in the dry and narrow place. He just wanted to bully Zhishu and make him more uncomfortable. Do you admit your fault? In the end, Zhishu heard this sentence. He slowly rolled over his tightened body with his gaunt chin resting on his knee. He did not speak, feeling that the residual heat gradually left his body with Wenxu Jiangs movements. Whats wrong with me? Zhishu was thinking and his eyes were dim, and nothing could be reflected in it. Speaking, Wenxu frowned and bent down to force Zhishu to face him. He thought he had made a concession, but he was still totally ignored, Do you feel not enough so you just lie there and wait for me? Zhishus face turned with Jiangs strength. He could barely focus his eyes. Zhishus pupils were big and black, but there was no pure affection in his eyes anymore. The dark shadow of Wenxu Jiang was in Zhishus eyes which were full of overwhelming despair and sadness. Wenxu Jiangs heart suddenly shivered in pain. He raised his hand to touch the eyelashes of Zhishu, trying to confirm that the heartbreak he saw was just an illusion. But as soon as he raised his hand, Zhishu totally huddled himself up. His face was covered with a red handprint. Suddenly, Zhishu coughed. His pale face showed his extreme pain. Then he coughed up dark red blood. Wenxu Jiangs face changed and his pupils suddenly contracted. He bent down to hold Zhishu, as his fingers trembled, Whats wrong? Whats wrong? Let me Let me check quickly Zhishu trembled more and more severely, and when he opened his mouth, blood slid down his lips. He grabbed Wenxu Jiang and his fingers whitened in pain, Cold. Wenxu Jiang caught the sheet in a flurry and wrapped it around Zhishu. He turned over Zhishu and held Zhishu in his arms, but he touched much cold and sticky liquid under Zhishu. Wenxu Jiang was completely panic-stricken. The tearing wound in Zhishus intestine was still bleeding. Its all right You will be fine. Lets go to the hospital right away. Its all right, Wenxu Jiang comforted not only Zhishu, but also himself. It was too rare for Wenxu Jiang to speak in such a panic tone. He was always like a strategist, calm and elegant. Im not going to the hospital, Zhishu said in a flat tone, but his voice was a little muffled. His mind was clear, so he repeated, I will not go to the hospital. Wenxu Jiang stepped back. He quickly flipped through his address book and dialed a number, Jingwen? Get the medicine box and come to my house now! After hanging up, Wenxu Jiang hugged Zhishu tightly in his arms, Its all right. Jingwen will be right here. Are you tired? Sleep in my arms for a while. Wenxu Jiang, Zhishus voice was very husky and not so clear, but peaceful without complaint or affection. Zhishu did not wait for Wenxus response. He laughed softly, I still miss our high school and hope to reexperience those days again. At that time, Wenxu Jiang was outstanding and liked by everyone. But he only liked me. He has a bad temper and was impatient with everything, but he was willing to accompany me patiently. If someone mocked me, he would wave a stool to teach them how to talk politely. When he received an award on the stage, he would give his first gaze at me. Zhishu smiled reminiscently, but tears coursed down his face unconsciously, When Wenxu Jiang was seventeen years old, he said that he liked me, so I decided to be with him. I believed he must love me and would take good care of me. When I was nineteen years old, I abandoned my family and future for him. I was not afraid of suffering as long as I was with him. At the age of 23, my parents came to Beijing to look for me and had a car accident. I had nothing left but him. At that time, I thought that as long as he gave me a home, I would not leave him anyway. The wetness on Zhishus face was covered with tears. Zhishu stared at the air and tried to suppress his choke firmly in his throat, He was very kind to me and worked hard to make money. When he was young, he was so arrogant and rebellious, but he learned to cater to clients on the feasts, to toast, to drive the door for bosses I know that he did all this for me, otherwise he would not break a hand of a big client who only said some dirty words to me. At that time, he not only lost the order, but was detained for a few days. Zhishu laughed in a gentle and bitter way when he said these things. His words were full of the uncontrollable affection. But I dont know why the guy changed, Zhishu coughed again. His mouth ached badly and was filled with the smell of blood. He scarcely goes home, and barely call me. Sometimes he went home drunk at night, and the clothes were stained with perfume. I dont know what to do. I lived more carefully than a girl. Ive been wondering why he doesnt like me anymore. Its because Im not as pretty as I used to be. Or the meals I just learnt to cook were not as good as those outside. Or he just likes new tips of the young in bed. Its ridiculous. In the two years, I even watched GV with a serious attitude of attending high school classes, just trying to please him. But in the end, its useless. I dont think I can learn how to tie a mans heart with my body in my life. Its not bad to stop crying or begging for mercy. How can I satisfy him on bed? Im so useless. Hes still afraid Ill go out to seduce somebody else. How is it possible? I have exhausted all my heart for him all this life If I do that, I will really be a fool. Wenxu Jiang hugged Zhishu fiercely and his voice was full of sadness. Please stop Dont talk about it. Dont Its my fault, my dear. Its all my fault, Wenxu Jiangs voice was choked, his heart ached and he felt he was suffocating. Zhishus slender eyebrows furrowed, and he seemed to have not heard Wenxu Jiangs words. His voice dropped and mixed with sobs in his throat, When I went to school, I didnt dare to learn to ride a bike, and it would ache for half a day if there is an abrasion of the skin on my leg In high school, a recitation mistake led to a hit on hand on Chinese class. I was the only one in the whole class who was never beaten by our teacher. I was afraid of pain. Though our teacher just symbolically hit the palms of students a few times when most of our classmates slacked off in recitation He knows it. Knowing that I am most afraid of pain, but he still slapped me across the face mercilessly. I knew at that moment that he did not love me anymore. Im wrong Baby, I love you most. Stop talking, wait till you recover your health and hit me back Im really wrong. Wenxu Jiang became more and more nervous, as his heart trembled with fear and pain. He could clearly feel that once something was said, it would be impossible to go back to the past. Zhishu listened quietly to Wenxu Jiang and did not respond to him as if he had heard nothing, For others, the relationship might be easily cut off. But for me, youre my only love in the 14 years and the only one I rely on. Ive tasted all sweetness and pain engraved on my heart. Zhishu pulled Wenxu Jiangs clothes. He looked up at the mans deep eyes and smiled gently, So the first time you hit me, I wouldnt go. When you were drunk and called me Zui Shen, I wouldnt go. When you were in France with your lover and fooled me, I wouldnt go. When you suspected that I have an affair with another guy and raped me, I wouldnt go. But Wenxu Jiang, tell me how long I can live without love Wenxu Jiangs body quivered. Something was out of his control. Chapter 35 - The Most Uncontrollable Thing in the World Chapter 35: The Most Uncontrollable Thing in the World Translator: Ruriko The most uncontrollable thing in the world was human heart, since it changed imperceptibly. Wenxu Jiang was seized with remorse for his own behavior. He calmed down and blamed himself for hitting Zhishu He, who was the man he wished to protect with his life. He also blamed himself for having lovers outside even though he knew that no one would be better than Zhishu He. When it came to the problem, it doomed to become a deep scar in their hearts. Wenxu Jiang knew that he needed to explain something, but at this point, he lost his ability to talk sweet words to Zhishu He and also couldnt show his fierce character in business. He could only hold Zhishu He tightly in his arms, pretending Zhishu He was not hurt and would never leave him. Zhishu He consumed too much physical energy. Now he was in a light sleep. He seemed to still feel cold, nestling against Wenxu Jiangs chest quietly. Wenxu Jiang stretched out his finger and gently outlined the soft face of Zhishu He. His eyes were deep. He knew Zhishu He gave deep love and much tolerance to him. This time Zhishu must feel very wronged, which made him so resolute in the idea of leaving Jiang. Dont be angry. Ill change myself. I can give up everything except you, Wenxu Jiangs tone was very gentle. He was afraid of waking Zhishu He, You can do whatever you want when waking up, but just dont leave me Wenxu Jiang thought much with Zhishu He in his arms. He was so worried and panicked. It seemed that the last thing he wanted to face was about to happen. The subconscious anxiety tortured him. A sense of oppression hit his heart and he was like a herbivore which faced unknown hunters and apprehended danger in every sound. Finally, the doorbell rang. Wenxu Jiang gently put Zhishu He on the bed and tucked the sheet around him before opening the door. Why are you so late?Wenxu Jiang opened the door. Jingwen Zhang, sweating on his forehead, entered the house with a medicine box, Today is Saturday. Private doctors are not working so I came from the bar. I should tell you first, my consultation fee is double today. Jingwen Zhang and Wenxu Jiang were very familiar with each other, and they had friendship for seven or eight years. Otherwise, nobody was able to invite Jingwen Zhang with a bad temper. Cut the crap. Ive got an emergency, Wenxu Jiang didnt want to chat with him at this moment. Jingwen Zhang took off his coat slowly and asked carelessly, So whats wrong with you? I dont deal with a headache or a cold. I cant handle incurable diseases. Dealing with trauma might my major. Jingwens clinic usually served gangsters, so he had managed a lot of bloody traumas. Wenxus face was even more gloomy, Its not me. Go into the bedroom and check Zhishu. Jingwen withdraw the casual manner and asked, What happened to your little spouse? He pushed open the bedroom door and walked in. The room was messy and there was almost nowhere for Jingwen Zhang to stand. Zhishu He was lying on the bed. Wenxu Jiang went straight over, held Zhishu He in his arms, and then said to Jingwen Zhang, Come here. What have you done, Wenxu Jiang? Jingwen Zhang hurried over and touched the forehead of Zhishu He, Hes having a fever. Jingwen Zhang hissed softly after turning and seeing the face of Zhishu He. He looked up at Wenxu Jiang abruptly with shock in his eyes, You did it? Wenxu Jiang only concentrated his attention on Zhishu He, and he saw Zhishu He wrinkle his eyebrows because of Zhangs touch. Although his eyelids trembled badly because of uneasiness, he was too tired to open them. Jiang exhorted, Be gentle. Jingwen Zhang didnt want to wake Zhishu He up either, so he stopped questioning. He coughed a lot of blood, Wenxu Jiang told Jingwen Zhang in a flat tone, and concealed the pain in his eyes perfectly. Jingwen Zhang gently pinched open the mouth of Zhishu He. Through the oral lamp, he found many tiny wounds caused by bites. The most serious one was on the bleeding tongue. Jingwen Zhang breathed a sigh of relief because it was not an internal injury, but these wounds would affect Zhishus recent eating and speaking. Suddenly he thought of something. He put on a long face, looked up at Wenxu Jiang and asked, Did you bite him? Wenxu Jiang did not deny it. Though he did not bite Zhishu He, Zhishus wounds had something to do with him after all. Jingwen Zhang met resistance when he tried to undress Zhishu He, who was sleeping but struggling unconsciously with a tearful voice, Dont do that Wenxu Jiang quickly hugged Zhishu He and coaxed, Dear, let Jingwen have a look. He feared that he had left bruises on Zhishus body, which Jingwen could help deal with. Im cold Dont do that Zhishu He shook his head and unconsciously grasped Wenxus sleeve. Wenxus heart softened directly. He pressed his lips and looked at Jingwen Zhang, His upper body is all right. Jingwen Zhang immediately got the implied meaning of Wenxus words. When dealing with the wounds below, Jiangwen Zhang was shocked although he was accustomed to such scenes, How did so much blood come out? Zhishu woke up when Zhang handled the wound. Wenxu Jiang covered Zhishus eyes and murmured in his ear, Dont be afraid. Its Jingwen Zhang. You can sleep in my arms for a while. Take it easy. My dear Zhang dealt with the torn wound below for a long time. Zhishu He was too painful to lift his eyelids. Then Wenxu Jiang gently took him to the big bed in the guest room to let him have a good rest and wiped the cold sweat from Zhishus forehead. Come out, Wenxu Jiang, Jingwen Zhang stood coldly at the bedroom door. Wenxu Jiang tucked the quilt around Zhishu before he went out. Why didnt I know you are a sadist before? Jingwen Zhang finally couldnt help shouting, Dont you know that Zhishu He has blood coagulation disorder? What the hell have you done? Do you want to kill him? Has he offended you, so you tortured him like this? I didnt mean it. It was very difficult for Wenxu Jiang to bow his head to others except Zhishu when he was accused by his friends. Jingwen Zhang sighed, I know your affairs in these two years. I think you just want a little excitement occasionally. But Im not sure if you still love Zhishu He today. The last time I saw him was two years ago, he wasnt so haggard and thin. How could you treat him so badly? Wenxu Jiang pressed his temples and said hoarsely, I cant let Zhishu go. Ill break up with others quickly. After all, household affairs were always too difficult for others to meddle in. Jingwen Zhang could only expect Wenxu Jiang to be serious in his words. Then he changed the topic, Do you have antipyretics in your house? I didnt take it. Wenxu Jiang was boiling the kettle, In the study. You know the place. As soon as Jingwen Zhang entered the study, he shivered inexplicably. After he found the medicine, he looked around, trying to find what was wrong. When he came here before, there were many books in this room. Zhishu He loved reading poetry collections and books. There were books in the bookcase and the latest magazines on the desk. But now, there was nothing but bottles and cans. No matter how Jingwen Zhang ignored his duty, he was still a doctor. His first intuition told him that harmless wishing bottles were absolutely filled with medicines. However, his major was not related to medicine. One wouldnt recall someones name when they were apart for a long time. Jingwen Zhang only felt that the medicines were familiar, but he didnt remember what they were. The water is ready. Have you found the medicine? Hearing Jiangs words, Jingwen Zhang came out of the study. Those might be new calcium tablets or something similar. Jingwen Zhang thought about this because he had recently seen a lot of bosses who kept fit by eating all kinds of strange health care products every day. He just needed some time to remember the names of these medicines. Chapter 36 - You Are the Only One I Want Chapter 36: You Are the Only One I Want Translator: Ruriko Jingwen Zhang was too busy to stay any longer. To drink in the bar was only his excuse; all friends who were familiar with Zhang knew that he was busy arranging his wedding. When your little spouse feels better, take him to hospital for a physical examination. He didnt look well, Jingwen Zhang said when he was about to leave, but something suddenly occurred to Zhang, so he asked, What kind of medicine do you take recently? Whats in the glass bottles in your study? Wenxu Jiang had no idea, so he shook his head, They are not mine. I will ask Zhishu when he wakes up. Jingwen Zhang wanted to add something, but he was interrupted by a phone call. Zhang waved at Jiang as he was answering the phone in an ingratiating voice, walking quickly towards the door and saying, I am coming home right now. I said I was going to Wenxus homeWhat did you say? You want to eat crabs? Live ones? You want to steam them in person? How can I get live ones in a winter midnight? Hello, dont be mad at me, my dear wife Wenxu Jiang silently closed the door behind Zhang, feeling that his house was colder and more cheerless. Zhang was a playboy in the past, and he was always proud, egoistic and cynical, always laughing at those friends who got married one after another. No one expected that Zhang would one day fall in love with a girl and became so docile to her. Zhang even persuaded Wenxu Jiang to be serious for love and stop being a jerk. Wenxu Jiang went back to the guest room and turned the air conditioner up. Half-kneeling by the bed, Jiang carefully tucked Zhishu He in again, affectionately looking at He who was sleeping with a few strands of unruly hair on the face, so Jiang reached out his hand to tuck them behind Hes ear. Amazingly, his heart was full of unspeakable feelings, namely love that Jiang was familiar with, uneasiness and fear. Wenxu Jiang neither expected that Zhishu had known his affairs, nor believed that he would call others name while hugging Zhishu when he was drunk. Jiang realized that he was such a cruel jerk. If Zhishu He was found to have a lover or two outside, Jiang was sure that he would not bear it and even might kill them. However, Zhishu He tolerated him and tolerated his affairs for so long. When I was drunk, I often called your name Dont make up a story to fool me just because you are angry Wenxu Jiang was tired from the whole days conflict, so he just lay down aside Zhishu He without taking off clothes. Jiang held Zhishu He into his arms tightly, murmuring in a half-asleep state, I will break up with all of them You are the only one I want Zhishu He had no idea of what time it was when he woke up in the morning. The curtain was not fully drawn; through the window warm sunshine was spreading over the bed. Sitting up in the bed, Zhishu He squinted in the bright sunlight, feeling painful all over the body. The door of the bedroom was closed but a gap was left. He was able to hear morning news broadcasting in the living room and smell the sweetness of millet congee from the kitchen. For a moment, Zhishu He was in a daze. That was what Zhishu He had always expected: the weather was fine, not rainy or windy; the sunshine was warm; and the man he loved was gentle and kind enough to cook a meal for him. The dark nights accounted for half of the year, and rainy days took up some time, so there were few sunny days in a year. Though the man he loved showed rare affection and tenderness, the harm he had suffered over the past couldnt be undone once and for all. As Zhishu He was thinking, he felt something furry touching his hands. He looked down and there were the four kittens running around him. They had really grown over these days. It was the kittens that woke Wenxu Jiang up in the morning when Jiang felt something soft and warm. Wenxu Jiang thought it was Zhishu, tried to kiss He, but got a mouth of fur. Jiang suddenly woke in horror, breathless for a moment, as if he just escaped from a monster. Jiang was enraged by the sight of several downy creatures sleeping together with him. Without Zhishu, Jiang would have thrown them out of window from 11th floor. Wenxu Jiang kept calm for the sake of Zhishu He, moved over to kiss He on the face, and then got out of bed to prepare for the breakfast. Woke up? Why didnt you call me? Wenxu Jiang intended to wake He up, in case that He would sleep too long and feel more uncomfortable. However, Jiang, with a guilty conscience, was somehow timid to face Zhishu He at this point. Zhishu He had a sore throat for speaking too much yesterday when he was hurt by Wenxu Jiang. He didnt want to say a single word now. Are you still aching in the mouth? Wenxu Jiang noticed his pain, so Jiang with a worried expression on the face hurried to his side, Open your mouth, and let me have a check. Jingwen left you some medicine yesterday. Take some after the breakfast. Zhishu He couldnt adjust himself to Jiangs sudden attention, so he just shook his head. Last night, Jiang was like a despot raping him with no mercy, and now Jiang was like a different man, gentle and considerate. Zhishu He felt disappointed and tired of Jiangs changeable manner. Still mad at me? Wenxu Jiang reached out his hand to stroke Hes soft hair, then held Hes cheeks, and said in a soft voice, Dont be angry with me, ok? I was jealous, and I was afraid that you were fooled by others. I was just too worried about you when I saw you come back without the down jacket. Wenxu Jiang did intend to apologize for what he did last night. He sat beside Zhishu He after saying this, and even condescendingly reached out to stroke the kitten in Zhishu Hes arms. Even though Zhishu He admired Jiangs eloquence, He was still not moved by what Jiang just said, not in the least. What in hell would love become in this world if jealousy meant dictatorship and possessiveness, and concern meant rape? What Jiang could see in this winter was just a scarf taken to the home and a missing down jacket. Jiang didnt notice that the man who loved him was becoming thinner and weaker, and the heart that cared about him was broken. Chapter 37 - Wenxu Jiang, You Were Crueler to Me Chapter 37: Wenxu Jiang, You Were Crueler to Me Translator: Ruriko Perhaps it was the indifferent look of Zhishu He that made Wenxu Jiang, who wanted to apologize to Zhishu He and turn over a new leaf, depressed. He remembered that it was easy to coax Zhishu who had a peaceful character. Therefore, as long as Jiang could make an apology, everything would be easy to be dealt with. But this time, He was unusual. It didnt mean that Zhishu He was too hysterical or fierce to be persuaded. He even didnt complain or get angry although he suffered so much. But what had changed? Zhishu He had no habitual smile at the sight of Wenxu Jiang. His cheeks were so thin that dimples could not be seen completely, and even his eyes were dark and sad. I cant refuse some entertainment outside. Those years you went out with me have shown that sometimes the money and sex are inseparable. Even if you dont like it, you have to give respect to the boss. Originally, Wenxu Jiang did not want to tell these things to Zhishu. On the one hand, Jiang did not know where Zhishu heard about it and how much he knew about it. So the more he said, the more mistakes he made. Secondly, he indeed felt guilty. Before, they thought that Zhishu would never know it. But now he felt uncomfortable when he told this matter to the person he cared for. These two years, the business continues to be expanded. So I am getting busier and busier. Sorry, I know you are aggrieved, but I have no choice. The market is like the battlefield. If I dont strive for it at all costs, I will be totally defeated. You know that I dont want you to feel wronged. Although I am tired, it does not matter. I just hope that I could take you abroad when I save enough money. As long as we can get married, any place is fine. So you little fool will not think about those strange things and get lost in various conjectures, Wenxu Jiang held the shoulder of Zhishu He, and said, mixing the truth with falsehoods, and then even felt a surge of love and desire for him. At last he could not help thinking that these were indeed the thoughts in his youth, when he tried to make every effort to give Zhishu He a bright future. Wenxu Jiang could not help laughing. He was not that young now. When he smiled sincerely, there were fine lines in the corners of his eyes, which made him more restrained and gentler while the young men didnt have such kind of charm usually. At this point, Zhishu He felt upset unprecedentedly. When he went to the hospital to accept physical examination and get the medical certificate, or he was too painful to stand up after the chemotherapy, or he was alone at home and had a fever for a whole day, which degree had his pain reached? He didnt not know how to describe it, but he knew clearly that it couldnt be summarized by the word grievance. The grievance was only for one who was deeply loved and could act as a spoiled child and complain to the person who cared for him/her. And it was a blame full of affectionateness, self-will and self-confidence. It was not for a pathetic guy like him, who just had to get used to consoling himself. There was no one caring for you, so did you have any qualifications to feel wronged? He didnt want to listen to Wenxu Jiangs sweet words full of lies. Wenxu Jiang just wanted to get a peace of mind after he hurt others through begging for forgiveness, hoping then Zhishu would be as gentle and affectionate as before, while he would still be the man who couldnt refuse the invitations from other bosses. It was disgusting! He tore himself from the arms of Jiang Wenxu, and then stood up, enduring the pain. Zhishu, cut it out! Jiang Wenxu held the wrist of Zhishu He. Suddenly looking back, Zhishu He stared into Wenxu Jiangs eyes, as his mouth was too painful to say anything. Cut it out? What did he do to make this man fail to stand it anymore? Wenxu Jiang was stung hard by the cold and sharp eyes of Zhishu He, but he still did not let go of Zhishu and held his wrist, Zhishu, I know I was impulsive last night. You can hit or scold me, and I would like to say anything you want to know. My dear, dont let me worried. I am so weak that its hard for me to stand up now. How could I hit you? Zhishu Hes voice was hoarse, hard enough to make his words clear. With such a tongue, I couldnt say words clearly. How could I scold you? Tell me, please. Zhishu He could not help coughing again, looking paler. It didnt take too much time before Wenxu Jiang let go of Zhishu, who then struggled to enter the bathroom. Wenxu Jiang rubbed the temples and said nothing. He just went to the kitchen and reheated the porridge; then he went to the balcony and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Wenxu Jiang didnt know what he should do. Zhishu was so angry for the first time. Maybe he had stored the grief for quite a long time. People were always like this. Once things that he thought no one would know were exposed, the indifference before would disappear. He would feel worried and try to make it up, being angry with what he had done in the past and feeling remorseful. When Zhishu He came out of the bathroom, Wenxu Jiang had put out his cigarette. The tall man walked into the kitchen silently to fill a bowl with porridge for Zhishu, like a dog beaten and scolded by his owner for no reason. Zhishu He bowed his head and wanted to cry. So he told himself over and over again that all of Jiangs sadness and regret were fake, so there was nothing worth loving here anymore. When he left, another person would live here. But he still hated Wenxu Jiang. All things had been changed beyond recognition, but Wenxu Jiang still tried to give him a ray of hope with the face of the young man Zhishu had loved since more than a decade ago, which hurt Zhishu so much especially when he thought of departure. Have it when it is a little colder, or your mouth will hurt more, Wenxu Jiang gently stirred the thick porridge in the bowl, which smelt very delicious. Well, I am still best at making porridge. Naturally, there was no response. Wenxu Jiang answered himself with a smile, All right. Maybe its because porridge is the easiest to make. Wenxu Jiang wanted to feed Zhishu He, but Zhishu rejected. While, he didnt care about it much, looking at Zhishu He, supporting his chin with his hand. The old man was really good-looking and charming, especially when he looked at others with his affectionate eyes, which Zhishu He knew clearly, so he didnt look up. He didnt eat much. His mouth was so painful even with a little food. What was more, he had no appetite. So he just had the porridge less than half a bowl. Wenxu Jiang worried about Zhishu, but did not advise him to eat more. Then he stood up and hold the hand of Zhishu He, Ill put some medicine on you. It will be helpful. Zhishu He had no spare strength to refuse a persistent man and was forced to sit on the sofa. Taking the medicine, Wenxu Jiang gently pinched the cheek of Zhishu He, and said in a gentle low voice, My dear, open your mouth. It was badly injured. Wenxu Jiang was distracted when Jingwen was treating with the wounds last night. He was shocked when he had a careful check of Hes mouth today. There were more than a dozen wounds with evaginable white skin in the red inner wall of the mouth, with deep bite marks on the tongue. Did he try to bite the tongue to kill himself? You are so cruel to yourself, Wenxu Jiang frowned, spreading the medicine as gently as possible. Zhishu He felt the strange taste of medicine in his mouth, as if his heart also felt that bitter taste. He thoughtC Wenxu Jiang, you were crueler to me. Chapter 38 - Break up with His Lover After that day, the lifestyle of Zhishu He and Wenxu Jiang changed a lot. Wenxu Jiang knew well he had gone too far and felt guilty, so he was attentive to Zhishu He as compensations. Zhishu He, however, showed an indifference which had never existed before. He was even more reluctant to speak after his tongue was hurt, or to be embraced or kissed by Jiang. Finally, He even moved to the guest room. What do you want on earth? Seeing that Zhishu He was packing up as if he planned to settle in the guest room from now on, Wenxu Jiang could not help getting angry. Zhishu He still remained silence and kept on packing. You havent spoken to me for days! I called Jingwen and he said you should be fine now. If you had anything in mind, just tell me directly. Dont torture me endlessly! The more Wenxu Jiang said, the more he felt wronged, and at last he pulled off his apron and threw the spatula. Why is there so much trouble between two big men? You are so affectedly unreasonable! When do you plan to stop giving me the cold shoulder?! How come the elder you get, the more you act like a woman? Zhishu He stood there stunned for a moment. It took him a long while to recover from the shock and sadness. He did not quite believe what he had just heard. It was not just women that were in the weak position, became more and more forbearing and silent, and got more and more vulnerable. Wenxu Jiang, do you think I cant live without you? Zhishu He had not spoken for a long time, so his voice was hoarse, unexpectedly, as if every word choked with blood. Wenxu Jiang stopped accusing and wiped his hands clean to fill the bowl with rice. His tone, accordingly, turned into a gentle ingratiation, Nope. My Zhishu will always live to the ripe old age whatever happens. He just intended to force Zhishu He to say a few words to him. Anything was ok, even name-calling would make him feel safe as if it could prove that he still owned the love of this person. Zhishu Hes eyes turned red in anger. For the first time in his life, he became violent and out of control. Fuck you! Wenxu Jiang! Do you think Im flirting with you? Do you think I am earning your attention for suffering from neglect and injustice? Do you really think I cant live without you? Its just fourteen years, isnt it?! Just fourteen years Wenxu Jiang was shocked by the sudden explosion of Zhishus rage. He had not had time to think more, but instinctively felt that what happened now was rare and inexplicable. Zhishu He had been depressed for too long, and once his emotion was released, he could not control himself. He smashed two vases with dry branches of plum blossom in the living room. The ground was strewn with the broken porcelain mixed with remains of flowers. Nothing in hand, Zhishu He rushed into the kitchen. Wenxu Jiang did not have any reaction until Zhishu He smashed the bowl in Jiangs hand. Zhishu He! All right. Stop it now. Stop it okay? Come on. Stop it Wenxu Jiang held Zhishu He firmly in his arms, and at that moment he was really afraid that Zhishu He would rushed back into the kitchen to fetch a kitchen knife. Zhishu He could not manage to free himself from Jiang by violent struggles, so he angrily bit Wenxu Jiangs arm. Wenxu Jiang felt so painful that he let Zhishu He go on conditioned reflex. Zhishu He turned around, gave him a loud slap on the cheek and cried, Get out! Wenxu Jiang subconsciously wanted to slap and kick back, but immediately, he realized that he should not do that. He dared not and was unwilling to hit Zhishu He again. This tall man lowered his head with pressed lips, went into the bedroom like a stray dog with its tail between legs, to find a nook to avoid the fight. However, Zhishu He did not want to endure anything anymore. He smashed another bowl as if being afraid of losing momentum, pointed to the door, and said, Get out of here! Then Wenxu Jiang was driven away. Zhishu He sat down prostrate on the ground, where inadvertently, several bloody gashes were made in his hand by broken pieces of porcelain. He was in a trance. Was it a success? It became true that the thing he once imagined countless times as a jokeC he threw dishes at the man and drove him out of the house ferociously. Zhishu He chuckled, stood up, and had to clean up the mess by himself. In fact, the debris in the room was almost like himself. The bluff was only the crisp sound when the porcelain fell on the ground. Then it did not make any sense. Clean it up and there would be a new vase in the same place on the table tomorrow. Zhishu He picked up the pieces with his hands, careless of the gashes. In fact, when people were numb, nothing could hurt him. He fell into a trance again and wondered, depending on Wenxu Jiangs temperament, how long he would stay away from home this time. It was possible for Jiang to leave Zhishu He alone and let him run his own course. Wenxu Jiang was so aggressive that if one of his lovers dared do what Zhishu He did to him, he would think of some nasty ways to punish that one. But it was Zhishu He, Jiang really had to think over it. In fact, in earlier time, it was easy to deal withC just cajoled him onto the bed to have a punitive sex, and then coaxed that he just had to join in the fun on occasion with people outside, and he would spend more time with Zhishu He, the most lovely one in his own heart. But this time Wenxu Jiang was really ashamed to do that. Or maybe these days Jiang was really scared by Zhishu He. Zhishu He was at home alone tonight. He found that it was actually better and more convenient to stay alone. Wenxu Jiang, however, was not so comfortable as He. He got himself drunk in the bar. The barman had not known him for long, so unexpectedly, he called Zui Shen. So early in the morning, when Wenxu Jiang woke up from the headache and dizziness for being drunk, he found Zui Shen lying prone naked in his arms. It seemed that it was reasonable to Zui Shen. Wenxu Jiang pushed away the one in his arms in boredom. He had never slept with anyone else for a whole night except Zhishu He. Almost instantly, Zui Shen woke up. Wenxu Jiang was efficiency-oriented, so he broke up with Zui Shen by the way. Its better for you to go to the branch office to be a manager. Dont be around me. Take the house and the car. Go to Assistant Song to write a check when youre free. He knows it well and you wont suffer losses. The tone was so calm as if nothing important had happened, without any needless emotion. Zui Shen raised himself up on one elbow, the red marks on his body after one nights passion seemed to be the proof of last nights tenderness and love. He was almost on the verge of tears, Whats wrong with me? Tell me and I can change for you! Wenxu Jiang got dressed with a cold face. He slept with his lover just after he got kicked out of his house, so he was agitated, even with a subtle self-loathing sense. Tell me! What did I do dissatisfies you? Wasnt I obedient enough? I never complain even though I havent seen you for ten days or half a month. You dont like animals, so I abandoned the dog that I had raised for ten years. I am not for money to be together with you. I Enough, Wenxu Jiang frowned, and he had no patience with his lover, I will leave if theres nothing else. There should be a reason that you dont want me anymore, right? Zui Shen gritted his teeth, with his face pale. Wenxu Jiang buckled his watch, ready to go, and stopped when he heard Zui Shens words, sneering, A reason for breaking up with a lover? Do you really think were in love? The pretty boy in the bed suddenly burst into tears, and shouted in a choked voice, You deceive me! There must be a reason! You held me in your arms last night and called Zhishu He all night! Chapter 39 - An Uninvited Guest Chapter 39: An Uninvited Guest Translator: Ruriko & Claire.KK Zhishu He woke up very early when it was still dark. Looking outside from the window, there were still street lights and shop signs lighting. Zhishu He had not slept well for a long time, especially recently, when he suffered from habitual insomnia. So he often woke up after falling asleep. It was even rare for him to sleep for three or four hours continuously. Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom and looking at the pale and morbid person reflected on it, he asked lightly, Have you ever lived a happy life in your life? No one answered him. Then Zhishu He smiled and spat a sink of blood. Zhishu He knew that his disease began to worsen. When he first saw the internal bleeding under his eyelids through the mirror, he even felt sick of looking in the mirror. But even though he did not look at himself, there were more and more bruise marks on his body, most of which were on his ribs under the armpit. At first glance, he really seemed to have suffered domestic violence. Sometimes, Zhishu He didnt want to think too much, but he couldnt control himself. He always told himself that it was normal for Wenxu Jiang to play outside. So it was good enough for him to be willing to go home. What else do I want? But self-consolation had no use now. He became more and more sensitive and out of control. The physical and mental torture let him gradually lose himself who was ever gentle and cultured. As things had developed to this point, Zhishu He told himself that it was time to give up. After fourteen years, the two men lost the good side of themselves after seeing too much of the reality. And the last bit of romance between them were going to disappear in the completely shattering life. At last, someone finally woke up and it was time to be over. Giving up didnt mean that he didnt love Jiang anymore. Its just that he was too tired to love the person, so he should spare some respect for himself. Thats it. Whether it was a secret crush or mutual gratification, if there was still a glimmer of hope for them at last, he would never be willing to give up. The gauze on the finger was already soaked in blood. Luckily, the blood had been stopped after the night. He changed a piece of clean gauze for himself while thinking that he shouldnt get himself injured again otherwise it would be inconvenient to do anything like now. He had no appetite, but his cats needed to be fed. These cats had been spoiled so badly by Zhishu that they didnt eat the packaged cat food. As soon as they were hungry, they would pester Zhishu He like brats to ask for freshly made food. So he just had to make some food for these cats after taking the medicine. Zhishu He was stunned and doubted whether he had been a wrong place when he heard the doorbell. After a few more knocks at the door, he realized that it was his home indeed. He turned off the heat and opened the door, thinking it was the day that the clerk of the property company came to check the water meter again. But he didnt expect that it was a strange boy standing outside the door. This boy was really good-looking. He had delicate features, with white skin, a pointed chin, and sentimental eyes. But his eyes were still red and swollen. There was a thought flashing across his mind, but he didnt catch it. Who are you looking for? Are you Zhishu He? My name is Zui Shen. Im coming here to see you. The vague shadow in the mind of Zhishu He finally appeared clearly. And the idea he just had was that the appearance type of this boy was Wenxu Jiangs favorite. Zhishu He never thought Jiangs lover would take the initiative to come to him. He didnt know how to solve this kind of issue that happened between two men. Normally, a hostess could kick up a row to catch adultery aboveboard. While such a thing was difficult for him to deal with when Jiangs lover came to himself, whether it was humiliating or not. The dull pain in his heart made him rather slower in reaction. He was truly afraid of losing face, even though he had been laughed at by the other now. Let me in and have a seat, will you? It was a melodious voice, which was full of pure and young vigor, even the last sound. Zhishu He leaned to one side slightly, unable to raise his head, because he had been suppressed by the this boys young radiance that he had already lost long ago. Well, come in. He said. In fact, Zui Shen had been sizing up Zhishu He too. He knew that this man was irreplaceable for Wenxu Jiang. And he had also been curious about Zhishu He. But he was warned by a few of Wenxu Jiangs friends who had known Jiang for seven years or so that he must not mess with Zhishu He if he wanted to stay a long time with Wenxu Jiang. Later on, he heard that he looked like young Zhishu He, which he remembered all the time. So he always thought that this man must be good-looking. But today he was surprised when he saw Zhishu He. This was a pale and haggard man, who couldnt even be regarded to be good-looking. Zhishu He went to pour a cup of hot water for Zui Shen, Its a cold day. Drink some water to warm yourself first. Zui Shen looked at Zhishu He with amazement. Zhishu He must know his identity according to Hes reaction just now. It was quite rare for normal people not to be acrimonious toward a lover. However, he did not expect that Zhishu He would let him enter the house for a cup of hot water. Zui Shen was not a bad boy. He just wanted to stay with the man he loved. But who didnt? Ive been with Brother Jiang for a long time, Shen Zui looked at Zhishu He with a trace of unexplainable imploration in his eyes. Can you leave him? Sitting aside, after a while Zhishu He realized that this boy was hoping he could give up Wenxu Jiang. But the key was what he could do to help this boy. He was not the man dominating this matter. You have to talk with him yourself. But according to his temperament, you cant keep him. Zhishu said as if he was soothing himself, as well as persuading Zui Shen. Zui Shen kept silent. He seemed not at all to stir up trouble here as a lover usually did. Instead, he was like a child falling in love with his father. So Zhishu He was helpless while feeling hatred and angry. Zhishu He could not stand such a silent situation. But he couldnt kick Zui Shen out by his nature. Then he asked by touching his own sore spot, How long have you been with him? Ive been with him since I havent graduated from the college. It has been three years. He answered, his tone full of self-satisfaction and pride, as if it was a great thing that he could stay with Wenxu Jiang as long as for three years. Zhishu He did not feel more sorrow. He had prepared for this day. So he only responded softly, Three years? Three years Let me think about it. On the third year we were together Zhishu He pressed his lips slightly. He really hated this masochistic behavior to recall the memory. The third year we were together is 2003, when SARS broke out. Zhishu He smiled, Maybe you were just over ten years old, right? At that time, it was lucky to be young. At least, the less you knew, the less panic you would be in. That year Wenxu Jiang was not Boss Jiang, not even Mr. Jiang. He was still young Jiang working in a small electronic technology company. At the time of the full outbreak of SARS, Beijing was completely blocked, when people realized that hospitals were absolutely the last place on the earth to enter. Hospitals in Beijing were so crowded that the isolated areas just had one more tightly closed glass door than the general ward and infusion was even performed in the courtyard. It was such a terrible period that every day some people died. Most of them were patients and many were medical staff. Even the Minister of Public Health was infected and died after he made a visit. I was in a hospital then, Zhishu He said gently and calmly. My boss, his wife and child were all infected. He was very kind to me. But he died firstly. I think I needed to take care of his families in the hospital. And I had even thought of the content of my will in case someday I also got infected. I just hoped that Wenxu Jiang would not be sad but forget me. However, I didnt expect that one night Wenxu Jiang secretly crossed the isolation belt and dragged me home. Zhishu He said off and on, being afraid that he would be crushed by the memory that had been forcedly sealed, He was never angrier and never less terrifying than that in my memory. He was going to hit me with his hand up, but finally he slapped his own face hard. He said nothing but kept crying. I had to pacify him. I said, What has happened to you? I havent bullied you! He said, If you die, how can I live alone? At last, my boss wife and daughter were dead soon, while Im fine. Later on, a lawyer came to tell me that my boss had given his company to me. Zhishu He smiled, It is right the one Wenxu Jiang is running now. Chapter 40 - The Feeling of Being Stricken with Grief Chapter 40: The Feeling of Being Stricken with Grief Translator: Ruriko & Claire.KK With the stubbornness on his beautiful face, Zui Shen was very firm as if he was demonstrating he would never fall behind, If it were me with him at that time, I could have stood it too. Zhishu Hes fingers were shaking. Maybe. But who would know the result? Zhishu He only knew that at that time Wenxu Jiang didnt have many entertainments or so many friends who would like to help Jiang at the loss of their own lives or a lover who really loved him and was willing to bear hardships together with this person. So Zhishu He smiled with some cold sharpness in his voice, Do you like him? Why? I love him very much, Zui Shen said determinedly. There is no reason needed to love someone. Certainly, he is a perfect man in my mind. It was good to be young. When you said something childish but you didnt realize it, people only thought you were such a simple and pure person. Zhishu He felt a little colder than before. As he touched his forehead, it seemed that he had a worse fever, making him even hard to talk. A man like him good-looking, knows how to take care of you gently and speak many sweet words. No wonder you like him. Zhishu He began to feel that the chill on his body was seeping into his heart, as if a slit was made on the barrier that had been blocking wind and rain for him, with cold wind storming in fiercely now. Right If Wenxu Jiang likes a person, he is reluctant to let this person feel wronged. He will draw for you, pick flowers for you, and fight for you. And even in bed, he will not want to see you cry. Gradually, Zhishu He himself did not even know what he was talking about. He felt so dizzy that he couldnt even discriminate his mood in a trance. It was not clear whether he was sad or unreconciled, or he just wanted to indulge in his own fantasy by deluding himself. The door of the guest room was not tightly closed. Now it was opened a crack by the cats who were already quite dissatisfied due to hunger. They might have scratched at the door for a long time. When Zui Shen saw these cats coming through the crack, he suddenly turned as pale as Zhishu He. Zhishu He came to his mind and asked after a short pause, Are you afraid of cats? Doesdoesnt he hate animals the most? Zhishu He softly pushed away these cats that were rubbing against the bottom of his trousers, and uttered in a light tone, He is a man who can be persuaded by soft approaches but not be cowed by force. So you just need to coax him tenderly. He will give in after being unhappy for a few days, without other choices. The tone of Zhishu He was so gentle that he did not seem to realize that he was teaching another person how to win affection and care from the man he liked. But Zui Shen appeared to be more disappointed. In fact, when Zhishu He began to talk about how good Jiang would be to the person he really liked, Zui Shen knew that no matter how self-deceiving he was, he couldnt change the fact that Wenxu Jiang really didnt love him. Zui Shen thought that it was natural for a man to be fickle and indifferent, that Wenxu Jiang just didnt know how to love others and that all the hurtful words Jiang had said were unintentional. But he was wrong. Wenxu Jiang would not accompany him to do anything couples did. Jiang had never coaxed Shen with sweet words, let alone drew pictures and picked flowers for him. He was also wondering whether Wenxu Jiang was really reluctant to make the man he loved cry in bed. All Shen knew was that he was often hurt when he had sex with Wenxu Jiang at first, and that man was fierce in bed showing no tenderness. At that time, Shen often cried. When he was in severe pain, he would cry and beg Jiang, which Wenxu Jiang never cared about. He only hated Zui Shens crying. Sometimes he only threw a sentence disgustedly, Ill find anyone else if you really cant stand it. When his dog was forced to be discarded, Zui Shen begged Wenxu Jiang for a whole week. Certainly, he had tried to persuade him in a coquettish manner. And he was even willing to play SM so as to keep his dog although Wenxu Jiang wasnt skillful at it. As a result, Zui Shen almost died, and the dog was given away. Standing up from the sofa, Zui Shen thought to himself, Why have you done this? Do you come here to humiliate yourself? Now that Wenxu Jiang keeps a man as fragile as the china at home and is reluctant to beat or hurt him in sex, surely he isnt worth my love. But Zui Shen could not reconcile himself to the fact somehow. Why couldnt he be comparable with this man in front of him? Was it just because this man had suffered a lot with Wenxu Jiang? It was not that he couldnt do it, but he hadnt been born earlier to have the chance. Zui Shen began to laugh. His smile was as beautiful and clean as a garden of jasmine, Did you quarrel last night? Eh, every time he gets angry, he will go to my place. He always has this childish temperament, Zui Shen complained helplessly, I always advise him not to be angry. But he said he could not let go of the old lover. We are all men, so I absolutely understand that he has just treated you as his family. Zui Shen slowly put on his coat and smiled, But Wenxu Jiang is really determined to make a break with the past. He simply threw the ring which had been worn for ten years. Although it is not valuable, at least it is the gift from someone who loves him so much, right? Im kind of softhearted to keep it for you. Well, how about bringing it to you next time? Zhishu He felt so much pain in his heart that he couldnt say a word. His hands were cold, with his fingers, lips, and even his whole body trembling. Zhishu He, who tried hard to bear the pain, pointed to the door and said with his teeth gnashed, Get out! Zui Shen raised his eyebrows and directly left without tangling with Zhishu He. At the moment the door was closed, Zhishu He fell on his knees with a bang. He pressed the back of his hands against his lips, but a large amount of blood was seeping through his fingers. Finally, I know the feeling of being stricken with grief now. Id die soon and end all of this. Chapter 41 - Dont Leave Me. Chapter 41: Dont Leave Me. Translator: Claire.KK Zhishu He fell on the ground, with his chest soaked with blood. After he struggled with the suffocating pain, leaving the unprecedented quietness in the room. He stared at the unadorned ring on the third finger of his left hand. He had worn the ring for more than a decade and rubbed it for ten million times, which had been turned into a rope that firmly tied his heart. But he did not know that his precious ring was just a cheap and rough thing in others eyes. The cruel fact told him that his persistence in love was as funny as a joke. Zhishu He took off the ring slowly. As he had worn it for too long, it was difficult and painful to do with it. But in the end, what the ring could leave was only a white and shallow trace. He threw the ring far away with his eyes closed, hearing nothing but a few light sounds as the ring fell down and bounced under the sofa. Zhishu He lay on the ground for a long time before getting up. Then he washed his face, cleaned his clothes, and cooked for cats. He felt that he might be really numb like a puppet, mending his broken heart again and again with needle and thread. Between the happy years and the sad years, he spent time like this. When Wenxu Jiang went home, Zhishu He was reading in the living room, pretending that he didnt know Wenxu Jiangs return. Well, he just smiled with a light satisfaction, slowly turning over the pages. Little Shu.Wenxu Jiang was attracted by that smile, and he called Zhishu He with deep feelings which seemed to have been accumulated and concealed for more than a decade. Im back. He finally came back like a kid tired of playing outside, being afraid to be beaten. Zhishu He put down the poems written by Jian Zhen and looked up at the man who still stood in the entryway. Wenxu Jiang was holding a large bundle of gypsophila paniculata, a pair of affectionate eyes staring at Zhishu. Zhishu He smiled, Is it for me? He stood up to pick up the flowers and was kissed on the cheek by Wenxu Jiang. Of course. The jasmine hasnt bloomed yet in the garden of Old Duan. Ill pick it for you when it blooms. Zhishu He did not answer. He took over the flowers, but he could not find a vase to contain them. Later on, he remembered that the vase had been broken before. Wenxu Jiang thought Zhishu He so cute and funny when he stood there foolishly while holding the flowers in his hand. Then, he begun to feel slightly moved and painful seeing Zhishu at a loss. Just put it aside. Ill make it into dry flowers for you, which is easy to keep. Wenxu Jiang looked at him with a smile and said, You havent had dinner, right? I have bought some ingredients. It was only 6 pm. Zhishu He didnt eat so early when he was alone. Even most of the time, he didnt eat anything. And the medicine was enough to make him feel full. Zhishu He stood behind the door of the kitchen and looked at Wenxu Jiang cooking like a boy. He said from time to time: Less saltno vinegardont add coriander to the fish, you stupid! As a result, there was too much salt, vinegar, and even the coriander. It was your fault to disturb my heart. Wenxu Jiang smiled and pinched the cheek of Zhishu He, and then he was astonished by Zhishu Hes haggard face. Zhishu He turned around and waited in the living room. He didnt hope there was nothing esculent tonight. Three dishes and one soup were served on the table. The first one made under the guidance of the Zhishu He was tasted by neither of them. That was in dinner, Wenxu Jiang found that the ring on Zhishu Hes finger disappeared. Wheres your ring? Wheres my ring? Where is it? Zhishu He immitated the tone of Wenxu Jiang and smiled. Wenxu Jiangs face changed, but he calmed down soon. Looking at the shallow mark on Zhishu Hes finger, he said with a low sound, Little Shu, seriously, put the ring before I take you to pick a new one on the New Years Day. Is it ok? Zhishu He put down the chopsticks and said slowly, But it was lost. Wenxu Jiang felt a sting in his heart, and began to feel that everything Zhishu He did tonight made him anxious. But Wenxu Jiang did not dare to ask anything. He was afraid that even more a word would let Zhishu He outbreak emotionally. Wenxu Jiang never felt so strongly that Zhishu He had a lot of unannounced grievances in his heart. Zhishu He refused to eat anything, and Wenxu Jiang had no appetite, either. Sitting there, Wenxu Jiang was out of his mind. Seeing Zhishu He clean up the bowl, feed the cat and concentrate on reading at the sofa, Wenxu Jiang finally realized that he had missed the chance for a long time. They sat awkwardly in the drawing room for a long time until Zhishu He went into the bathroom of the guest room. Wenxu Jiang begun to take it in that Zhishu might be in a bad mood because of him but he did not dare to ask Zhishu He to go back to their bedroom. So he had to hold the pillow and went into the guest room too. After Zhishu He came out of the bathroom, he found the man had lied on the bed. He wrinkled his eyebrows, for he did not appreciate a man who was so shameless. In Wenxu Jiangs view, Zhishu He looked so beautiful when he came out of the bathroom with water droplets hanging on his hair and rosy cheeks steamed by hot air. His face was small and white, so he was less intimidating even though he was frowning. Wenxu Jiang got out of bed to take a shower, not giving Zhishu He a chance to drive him out. Zhishu He lied down and turned off the light. He didnt fall asleep. When Wenxu Jiang went to bed and lied next to him, he was still awake. He felt that the man hugged him from behind, kissed his neck again and again, and groaned in a low, hoarse voice: Zhishu, little Shu Zhishu He did not know whether Shen Zui told the truth or not. But when he thought that Wenxu Jiang just hugged other man last night while now climbed into his bed, he felt disgust. He struggled to get free and said, Im sleepy. Wenxu Jiang groped into Zhishu Hes pajamas, from his waist to the bottom, Just once. Zhishu He gasped gently and whispered, Not even once. Wenxu Jiang smiled and bit the neck of Zhishu He, I promise Ill be very gentle. His voice was vague. Indeed, when Wenxu Jiang became gentle, no one could refuse him. He kissed Zhishu Hes bosom patiently and carefully and gave oral sex to Zhishu He. He said solft with a low voice, trying to seduce him, I wont let you hurt in the future. Zhishu He turned his head to another side and closed his eyes, thinking that he would never need the man any more. When Wenxu Jiang penetrated in, Zhishu He sobbed with a trill. Wenxu Jiang immediately stopped and wanted to turn on the light, but was held back by Zhishu He. Wenxu Jiang kissed the cheeks of Zhishu He, finding that his sideburns even wet, Did it hurt very much? Zhishu He shook his head, No Its okay Wenxu Jiang kept their fingers entwined with Zhishu Hes. He tried slowly and finally combined together with Zhishu. But there was still an empty and inauspicious feeling in his mind. Wenxu Jiang kissed Zhishu Hes face bit by bit when he was moving. Dont leave me, he said. Zhishu He did not answer him. Chapter 42 - I Quit Therapy Chapter 42: I Quit Therapy Translator: Claire.KK Wenxu Jiang was quite restrained and just made once. He stroked the soft hair of Zhishu He and whispered, Let me hold you to take a shower. Zhishu He shook his head and buttoned his pajamas in the dark. Dont you worry about getting a stomachache tomorrow? Zhishu He was so tired that he was gonna fall asleep; lying down huddled up with his back to Wenxu Jiang, he responded, Ive been used to it. At first he couldnt stand it. But if no one spoiled him, he could tough it out no matter being beaten or scolded. Wenxu Jiang hugged him from behind and said, Well, sleep tight. Let me hug you. It was rare for Zhishu He to fall asleep faster than Wenxu Jiang did. Such a thin figure was lying peacefully in Wenxu Jiangs arms, and the hair of Zhishu He rubbed Jiangs chest, which made Wenxu Jiang feel warm and itchy in his heart. Wenxu Jiang got up early in the morning. And when he came back the room after bustling a few hours quietly, Zhishu He did not wake up yet. So he sat at the bed and looked at him carefully. Zhishu He had lost a lot of weight. His chin was sharper, and his lips were a little pale. When Zhishu He stayed at home alone, certainly he wouldnt bother to eat right. Besides, he had to endure all pains and grievances and hide them deep in his heart. So it was impossible for him to gain a few pounds. As Zhishu He opened his eyes, he found the man staring at him closely. Wenxu Jiang must still be busy today because he had already dressed up with a customized suit, which set off his wide shoulders, long legs and handsome face; he was such a beast in human clothing. Looking at the addled face of Zhishu He, who obviously had not woken up completely, Wenxu Jiang felt so fond of him. Jiang said, Now that you wake up, get up and take a shower. I have made breakfast for you. Zhishu He nodded with a yawn while sitting up. He finally had a good sleep, so he was in a good shape now. Wenxu Jiang smiled and tapped Zhishu Hes fuzzy hair with his big hand. When he took back his hand, he glanced at the watch and realized the time, Zhishu, Im going to sign a contract later. So I cant accompany you today. After the contract is signed, I will give you a big red packet for the New Years Day tomorrow. Wenxu Jiang turned around to go out of the bedroom. It seemed that he remembered something, when he suddenly asked, What do you want to eat tonight? Ill come back early to cook, and well have dinner together. Zhishu He pursed his lips and forced a smile reluctantly, Brother Jiang, come here. Wenxu Jiang could see that there was sadness or solemnness or other emotions hidden under the smile of Zhishu He, who was like a warrior making a final decision before death. For a moment he could not describe Zhishus feelings exactly but directly walked over. Suddenly, Zhishu He held Wenxu Jiang closely for half a minute, and then gently bit Wenxu Jiangs chin, Come back early tonight. Wenxu Jiangs mind was distracted, Dont worry, Zhishu! Ill cancel it and stay with you. All right? Ill tell the secretary to change the schedule. Pretending to dislike Wenxu Jiang, Zhishu He pushed him away, Hold on! Go and make it. How come you become so sensitive? Who doesnt know youre a workaholic? Wenxu Jiang was still worried, but that customer was eccentric. So he may not be able to sign this contract ever if the schedule is changed. Wenxu Jiang thought to himself that Zhishu He couldnt have any accident right at home. Wenxu Jiang left ultimately. Zhishu He did not return to his mind until he heard a dead thud of the security door. He rolled and crawled down from the bed. But the elevator door had been closed by the time he opened the door. Zhishu He hurriedly ran into the living room and saw the man through the huge French window. It was still a view of his back. What Wenxu Jiang left to Zhishu He was always his back. Zhishu He pressed his body hard against the window and said to himself, Wenxu Jiang, look back and let me see your face once again. Wenxu Jiang never looked back. For the last time, Zhishu He was full of tears. The last time he was crying while he was retching. Zhishu He took a shower and washed himself clearly. Then he dressed himself up. His favorite coat was bought by Wenxu Jiang seven years ago, which was camel and quite warm. At that winter, the man asked his secretary how to coax his beloved. Then he planned to take Zhishu He to watch a movie. As soon as they went out, it snowed. Zhishu He said that the most romantic thing on a snowy day should be enjoying a beautiful snow scene while drinking beer in a leeward open space. There was no impression of romance left in Zhishus mind. He just remembered that it was so cold. They were so lucky that a clothing store had not closed yet.. The snow was very beautiful that day. Wenxu Jiang wrapped Zhishu He in his arms with his coat. And Wenxu Jiangs eyes were brighter than ever. While drinking beer, Wenxu Jiang said it was the worst coat he had bought for Zhishu. Zhishu He tied the scarf tightly, with the ID card, the bank card and 500-yuan change stored in the pocket of the coat. He cooked a big meal for the cats and said reluctantly, Im sorry I cant take you away He was afraid that Wenxu Jiang could not stand these small animals after he left, but there was really nothing he could do about it. He had never felt that leaving here was such an easy thing. He didnt take anything superfluous, without that book, cats, his ring and even the medicine. He didnt turned on his mobile phone until he arrived at the railway station by taxi. As soon as he turned on it, there was a lot of notifications and few phone calls. Most were text messages from Ziyu Ai. Im sorry, but I really have a strong feeling with you. I know youve had a partner, but I can be better than him. Dont be angry. Just send me a message, okay? Zhishu, you can ignore me. But you must come to the hospital for treatment! Its time for chemotherapy. Why havent you come yet? Dont play a joke with your life because of me! If If you dont come yet, I will see you at your house! Zhishu, I beg youso long as you come, I promise I will never see you again. After reading the text messages, Zhishu He didnt know how he felt. After hesitating for a moment, he called the doctor. Soon, the dialing was answered, as if the doctor was waiting for the call. Is that Zhishu?! Im sorry for bothering you for so long a time, Dr. AiAs to my illness, I quit therapy. Ziyu Ai was silent for a while, and suddenly he yelled, I wont allow it! Zhishu He said helplessly, Why? I wont live long whether I am treated or not. Ill see you at your home. Ziyu Ai relaxed his tone, but with determination. Zhishu He smiled and said, Im leaving, doctor. Take care of yourself. Zhishu He hung up and turned off the phone. Looking at the train ticket at 1:00 pm, he closed his eyes. Thats it! Chapter 43 - I Am Such a Sucker Chapter 43: I Am Such a Sucker Translator: Claire.KK The train ticket Zhishu He bought was to Shenyang; then he would continue his journey to Hangzhou. According to his plan, the money left would be enough to rent an apartment for six months in Hangzhou, if he didnt continue his treatment. Zhishu He arrived at the train station at half past ten in the morning. It was still too early to take the departure. He was very patient for waiting. After years of grinding, he had been accustomed to waiting and was quite good at it. The passengers crowded the station hall, and the seats were all taken. Zhishu He was not too tired, so he just stood aside from the crowding hall; however, his empty heart found no place to stop over. Many people had foreseen the relationship between Zhishu He and Wenxu Jiang would end this way. Zhishu Hes mother told him that two mens love would not last long, and Jiangs mother even said that they would separate before 30 years old. There was even a saying in the collection of Zhen Jians essays, You walk the path you would; I return my way home. Even if they, two players in the game, could refuse to face the reality and entangle with each other till now, they still couldnt escape from their final destination: Break up. Time went really fast, and then it was past twelve oclock. Zhishu He felt tired for standing too long, so he went to buy a bottle of water to drink. At that moment, he heard people in the entrance suddenly started to make bustle and noise, and saw a man in grey wind coat rush through the hall with a dozen of guards in black suits following him. Two of the guards came to talk with the staff in the station, while others, each holding a picture, began to look for someone. Zhishu He just stood aside in a daze. At first, he was curious about why these men would make such a riot. However, only when Zhishu He laid his eyes on the tall man in grey wind coat, did He immediately recognize that the man was Ziyu Ai. Ziyu Ai spotted Zhishu He in the crowed at once; then Ai strode over in a fast step. No sooner did Zhishu He realize what was going on than Ziyu Ai came in front of him. Zhishu He, You fucking freaked me out! Ziyus eyes were red with rage. You really think a goodbye is enough? Just quit the treatment? How can you say that so easily? Why dont you just say you want to commit suicide? Ziyu Ai seized Zhishu Hes wrist, and roared at He in complete disregard of the people around, What do you take with you? Where is your bag? Where are the medicine bottles? Zhishu He tried to pull his hand back with a frown, Doctor Ai, Dont be like this. Right, Im fucking cheap and I ask for it! Youve told me all, but I am such a sucker and always over the top! Ziyu Ai pulled Zhishu He out as he was saying, I was afraid that you would do something stupid, so I asked guards and emergency doctors to break into your house. What if I havent use GPS to locate you, are you going to die outside? Zhishu He, who barely woke up from the chaotic situation, was reluctant to leave with Ai. What was more, He just couldnt stand being harassed by a man who was unreasonably angry with him, even if He was good-tempered. I am free to die wherever I want to die! What kind of doctor are you? You looked like a mafia, breaking into my house and following me here when so many patients are desperately waiting for their doctor! Ziyu Ai stood still, condescendingly staring at Zhishu Hes eyes like a bully, saying in a domineering voice, Among all these patients, you are the only one I want to heal. You cant escape from me. Ziyus image of a gentle doctor in white disappeared completely. All of a sudden, Ziyu Ai held Zhishu He into his arms in an irresistible manner, but said in a soft and affectionate voice, Its my first time to act like a mafia, and I will take you somewhere I want to go, OK? Zhishu He had to admit that he had never seen Doctor Ai being so stubborn and capricious. Since Ziyu Ai came in, Zhishu He somehow knew that he would attract peoples attention in this small hall. Let me go I can talk with you outside. Zhishu He had to concede. Ziyu Ai smiled, and he immediately loosed his arms, Lets go. It didnt occur to Zhishu He how spectacular an arrangement Ziyu Ai had made for him until He came out finding seven or eight Humvees parking in a line outside the station. Ziyu Ai opened the door in the first Humvee and waved Zhishu He to sit inside as Ai was talking to the phone: My bro, I found him. Leave me one car and the rest can go back. One car is enoughOk, bye, see you around. Before Zhishu He was about to say something in the passengers seat, Ziyu Ai put his finger at Hes lips. Close your eyes first. Ziyu Ai began to play a game of mystery. Zhishu He couldnt refuse, so he lightly closed his eyes and waited. The long silence in the car was suddenly broken by a touch of something wet and cold at Hes lips. Zhishu He was taken by astonishment, but when He opened his eyes, He only found that he was staring at the eyes of a cat, whose nose was just against his mouth. Picking up the cat by its neck, Doctor Ai snickered, What were you thinking just now? Zhishu He felt a blush rise to his cheeks, but he suddenly realized, Its my cat? Only when Ziyu Ai put the cat in the backseat did Zhishu He notice that the other three cats were all together in sound sleep. Ziyu Ai explained, When I couldnt find you at your house, it occurred to me that you wanted to go somewhere far away. But what about the cats? Do you want them to starve to death? And speaking of your He is not a good guy. Ziyu Ai stumbled over his words, afraid of making mistakes. Zhishu He understood Ais meaning. He replied to Ai in a moment of silence, Anyway, Thank you. Ziyu Ai after all didnt forget the main point, Where are you going? Zhishu He suddenly remembered his train ticket, which cost him a lot but now was pitifully wasted, saying, I was planning to go to Hangzhou. Good! Ziyu Ai smiled, My brother has a tea house in the Longjing Road (a place of interest in Hang Zhou City, where many people do tea business). The environment there is very good. Let me drive you over there. Zhishu He was surprised. The journey to Hangzhou was too long on the one hand, and on the other hand He planned to travel alone. Doctor Ai was in high spirits, Let set off now. We go back to my house to take my doggie first. Er Gou likes Hangzhou, and he likes cats too he likes you very much. Chapter 44 - He Rushed Madly Into… Chapter 44: He Rushed Madly Into Translator: Claire.KK Zhishu He shook his head, Dr. Ai, wed better keep our distance. You know, I cant respond to your feelings. He made it clear and there was no euphemism at all. Besides, he never made it for considering some of his own interests. Ziyu Ai only said, I do not want anything from you. I happen to want a rest too, so we have the same destination. Dont refuse me. You can regard me as your friend taking you for fun. Zhishu He turned his head and saw the busy street view flashing by in front of his eyes, I dont want others to feel wronged. Now that you allow me to accompany with you, thats enough for me. As long as you are not the one feeling wronged, I will be happy. Ziyu Ai glanced at him and gently raised his lips. Zhishu He didnt say anything more at the moment. He looked back at the cats, thinking that Dr. Ai could take better care of them. He was such a man who would rather aggrieve himself than treat others badly. Once Zhishu He was treated well, he could not help but want to repay the person with much more. Ziyu Ai was very kind to him, not quite enthusiastic but considerate. But it was hard for Zhishu He to accept Dr. Ai, for he was so tired and did not have extra strength and thoughts. Zhishu He knew his illness well. Even without Wenxu Jiang, he could not spend the rest of his life with Ziyu Ai. Therefore, he could not waste Dr. Ais time. Zhishu He thought for a long time before he spoke, trying to persuade Dr. Ai to change his feelings. While, Dr. Ai was just silent, which made Zhishu He angry. So Zhishu He simply talked tough. However, as for Ziyu Ai, the refusal of Zhishu He sounded like love words. His soft and light tone not only had no deterrence or majesty, but also made Ziyu Ai want to tease him. When Zhishu He came to the hospital before, he spoke just a few short words. Ziyu Ai now found that once Zhishu He said several long sentences, the tone of Zhishu He began to change, which was a kind of soft and tender southern dialect with a special final sound. Having seen through Zhishu that his temperament was as mild as his accent, Dr. Ai didnt allow Zhishu He to go on his own even if he led Er Gou (the name of Dr. Ais dog) into the car. Er Gou did like cats very much. As soon as he got on the car, he got excited. With his big tongue sweeping, the heads of the four cats got wet. At first, the cats were startled. Gradually, they got used to it. Sticking out its head through the gap between the seats, Er Gou saw Zhishu He. It was so happy that it wanted a tongue kiss with Zhishu He, by licking his mouth with his big tongue. Ziyu Ai reacted even faster than Zhishu He and put Er Gou at the backseat, Your mommy is weak now. No kissing. Suddenly, Zhishu Hes mind went blank, with his ears reddened. He couldnt say a word with anger. Ziyu Ai glanced at Zhishu He and turned around to look straight at him again and simpered like a hooligan flirting with a good woman. Are you a little girl? Why are you blushing? Hearing that, Zhishu He turned his face to the other side directly. It wasnt expected that a doctor who was upright would say those words. Ziyu Ai smiled in a muffled voice. He didnt expect that a person like Zhishu He would be so funny, who would often be shy, blushing, and even at a loss what to say when feeling too embarrassed . The more Dr. Ai looked at Zhishu He, the more he liked. Zhishu He was easy to get sleepy when he was in the car. Originally, he just closed his eyes and didnt want to debate with Ziyu Ai. However, he fell asleep slowly. When Zhishu He opened his eyes again, it was dark. Zhishu He was not quite clear-minded, sitting there straightly and dizzily. The man next to him was still driving. Zhihu He couldnt see the look on his face. When he looked back, Er Gou slept soundly with the cats in its arms. You must be tired of sitting upright all the way. Ill take you for a walk at the next rest station. Ziyu Ai said and turned on the radio for a very soothing piano song. You must be more tired than me. Youve been driving for so long a time. We can have something to eat and have a rest later. We just go out for relax, so we dont need to rush to get there. Ziyu Ai smiled and said, Are you caring about me? No one else is sitting here except you. What Zhishu He said, which was quite normal originally, was full of special meaning now with Ziyu Ais explanation of the simple five words. So even Zhishu He himself felt embarrassed now, Youd better drive well. Everything went smoothly with Wenxu Jiang in signing the contract. But he kept thinking about Zhishu He since he went out. He had been in a trance all day, with his heart aching dumbly. Even he just wanted to give up the contract and go home to make sure whether Zhishu He was fine. So he returned home early in the evening and bought a lot of food. He even spared some time to ask Assistant Song to make an appointment at the jewelry store. Tomorrow, he would take Zhishu He to customize a couple of new rings. In the future, they could have a good time, accompanied by each other, rather than thinking about other trifles. The moment Wenxu Jiang opened the door, he found it weird. The room was black and quiet. He turned on the light, only to find Zhishu He not at home. Even the cats were gone. If only Zhishu He wasnt at home, Wenxu Jiang would not be so panic. He could wait for his back. Even if Zhishu He went out and messed with his friends, Wenxu Jiang could wait with a gentle attitude which he had never had before, just as Zhishu He had done for him in the countless nights. But the cats disappeared. Wenxu Jiang knew how much Zhishu He loved those cats, so he would never give them away or abandon them. As soon as he was thinking of all possibilities, he felt chilly all over his body. Then, he shivered while recalling the strange attitude of Zhishu He recently. Zhishu He left. There was no omen or foreshadowing. Zhishu He had not mentioned anything about leaving in countless quarrels or taken it as a threat even after knowing that Wenxu Jiang had other lovers. Instead, Zhishu He was usually gentle, humble and mild, even having no complaints. But it was such a person who left silently. Finally, Wenxu Jiang made some responses that he should have. He rushed madly into the bedroom, then the guest room, the study room, and everywhere else in the house. There was no loss of big stuff, but Wenxu Jiang still knew that the bank card and one of Zhishu Hes favorite coats were taken away. Chapter 45 - A Lover Kept by Wenxu Jiang? Chapter 45: A Lover Kept by Wenxu Jiang? Translator: Claire.KK Perhaps there was such kind of departure in the secular world, without farewell or hysterical break; even when it came over, unexpectedly, it was so peaceful that you could not feel the sadness in an instant. It seemed as if a sudden rainstorm came on a sunny day; as if your precious vase suddenly fell onto the ground when you wiped it. In face of that, you could only feel bewildered and endless silence. Wenxu Jiang stood in the living room alone, feeling at a loss about how to handle such situation. His mind was still in confusion. He didnt understand why Zhishu He left, and where that man could go himself. He just stood there, suddenly a feeling of helplessness struck him. Wenxu Jiang had never felt so lonely and desolate like now. Neither did he when he became a stranger to his family for the love with Zhishu He, when he was so poor that a bowl of wonton was eaten for two meals, or when he had been away from home for a dozen of days with kinds of reasons. But now he did, because Zhishu He was no longer behind him to give him support. Ziyu Ai arrived at the rest stop. The farther they went southward, the warmer it got. At least it was already more than ten degrees Celsius warmer than Beijing. Ziyu Ai suggested that Zhishu He should get out of the car to have a stretch, because it was tired for both driving and taking the car. He handed the dogs leash to Zhishu He and said, Will you hold it and walk the dog? Zhishu He said nothing, but he still took the rope and walked the dog carefully, with some hidden vitality and brightness on his face, which was rare to see. Why dont you keep one by yourself since you like dogs so much? Ziyu Ai followed beside Zhishu He, smiling. Zhishu He shook his head and replied, My family doesnt like it. Ziyu Ai was sure to understand his meaning, and he was jealous of Wenxu Jiang more or less in his heart. For a moment, he did not know what to say. Ziyu Ai turned up the warm wind of the air conditioner the moment they got in the car. Seeing Zhishu He folding the overcoat, he could not help but blurt out the thing which he deeply cared about, You dont have to be serious if hes just seeking for fun. Zhishu, I know that kind of man very well. They always have more than one lover at the same time, and know how to sweet-talk the one he is particularly interested in. Youre not a kid anymore. You should have a plan for your future. Hearing that, unexpectedly, Zhishu He laughed. Not out of malicious sarcasm instead, it was just because those words sounded funny to him. Zhishu He tilted his head and turned his eye to Ziyu Ai, his black pupils shining. He asked, You think I am a lover kept by him? That was not a pretty word to put on a man. Ziyu Ai slightly frowned, Im afraid youll be cheated. Zhishu He looked out of the window, the reflective stripes on the highway twinkling. Ziyu Ai drove too fast. Zhishu He frowned, Doctor, what would you like to know? You neednt guess blindly or simply think what you know is true. Zhishu He sighed. The dog was spirited after sleep and walk, so it leaned towards Zhishu He and Ziyu Ai through the gaps of seats. Zhishu He took some dehydrated fruit and fed it, continuing gently, I have been together with Wenxu Jiang for more than 10 years. He has already fallen into the habit of cheating on me, but what can I do? I know I am disappointing these years, and even willing to do feudal womens obligations because I loved him so much. I give up my career and my life depends on him. I cook and warm bed for him after he was tired of playing outside. Thats right. Its not different from being kept by him. Zhishu He patted the dog on its head, looking at the doctor, and said, Thats all about it. Are you satisfied? It was not that Zhishu He did not care his love to Jiang. He said those mean words in such a casual manner just because he was unable to let it go. However, this satire hurt Zhishu He himself in return. How could he be regarded as a lover kept by Wenxu Jiang? The house should have been owned by both of them. Zhishu He should have had shares in the company. Even if the same-sex love was not acceptable to ordinary people, it was still called love. They had once faced their parents, as well as the eyes of the world. But everything had changed. It was just that Wenxu Jiang did not love Zhishu so deep as before, and after a few years of struggling in business world, Jiang had accumulated some capitals. But none of these could be enough to describe Zhishu as a lover kept by Jiang. In fact, Zhishu He had been aware of Ziyu Ais mind as soon as he said those words which implied everything. Ziyu Ai might actually have feelings on me, but how much of it was just his own wishful thinking? Ziyu Ai also regretted to have said that. What he thought was not exactly the same as Zhishu He did. Ziyu Ai was just clumsy of speech. It was possible to have IQ decline in front of the person you loved. He really cared about Zhishu He, but what Ai cared was not his love affairs with Jiang. He was afraid that Zhishu was cheated. He was also sad thatthe man he loved so much would not share love to him. When faced with something he cherished, even a saint would be possessive more or less, let alone a common man. He wanted to own it, the same as a wild animal wanted to own the land. He didnt want his treasure to be touched, coveted or even casted a glance by the others. So how could Ziyu Ai be satisfied after he heard what Zhishu He said? He would rather Zhishu He had made a mistake like a fool; at least it was nothing to do with love. However, the precondition of Zhishu Hes infatuation was the 10 years he spent with Jiang, the most beautiful, the purest and the most pertinacious age, that no one could get involved in. When one fell in love with a person at that age, it must be for a lifetime. What lasted a whole life, if not happiness, would only be hurt in the heart. Im sorry. Ziyu Ai did not know what to say, feeling listless. Zhishu He did not care at all. He rubbed the fat face of Er Gou, smiling, You neednt say so. After so much you did for me, you deserve some information at least. It was possible that Zhishu did not care what Ziyu said because he did not care about Ziyu at all. People of this temper were the hardest to conquer: no matter you were affectionate or implicitly contemptuous, his heart did not open for you, and you could not hurt him with anything, your sword or spear. Supposing that Ziyu Ai didnt know that, how could he, a man would blush to ears at a teasing or a sight of others, speak words of keeping a lover and warming the bed in such a restrained, cold and frank way. Perhaps it was life that had hardened and changed something of him, or it was the love experience with Jiang that had brought him the greatest sorrow. This was the result of once opening his heart wide. It was pain all over. Chapter 46 - Long-lost Sweetness Chapter 46: Long-lost Sweetness Translator: Claire.KK For the moment, neither of them spoke. Zhishu He was very tired after a whole days travelling, feeling ache penetrating through the bone. With his eyebrows knitted slightly, he leaned his forehead against the window. Ziyu Ai casted a few glances at Zhishu He; Ziyu slowed down and freed his hand to touch Zhishu Hes forehead lightly. As expected, Zhishu had a fever again. Are you cold? Ziyu Ai pulled the coat over, covered it on Zhishu He and said, Hang in there. Well arrive in five odd hours. Ill get off the viaduct later. There will be some commonly used medicine to replace what you usually use even in a small city. Ziyu Ai did not blame Zhishu He for his haste to go outside without medicine. He knew that Zhishu He was painful enough, and it was easy to be impulsive when he could not hold on. Whats the time? Zhishu Hes face was pale and his voice was weak. Ziyu Ai read the time on the dashboard, Eleven fifty-nine. At this moment, fireworks bloomed in the distant sky. On the long and monotonous highway, it was really refreshing to see such a scenery. That was supposed to be set off by people in the small city near the highway. With different colors blazing in clusters here and there, the sky was lightened. Its twelve. Zhishu He leaned forward slightly, looking at the fireworks carefully like a kid, with some innocent joy between his eyes and brows. Ziyu Ai felt more relaxed too, and he smiled, Happy Chinese New Year. Suddenly, something seemingly occurred to Ziyu Ai that he searched the storage box of the car while driving; and about two minutes later, he got what he was looking for. A box of fujiya toffees. Hurry up! Eat a piece of candy at the beginning of the New Year, and you will taste sweetness and everything will go smooth all year round. Zhishu He took the candy box, thanked Doctor Ai in a daze. He was not aware that his eyes had been red. Zhishu He had already forgotten when he ate a candy last time. He even did not remember sweetness very well since being used to bitterness. It was good to have someone care about you. He coaxed you mildly, with a small tin box filled with toffees like you were a kidBe a lamb, so that the day will be as sweet as sugar. Zhishu He opened the box and poured the candies all over his lap. He waved the empty box before Ziyu Ais eyes and asked, Give it to me, wont you? Ziyu Ai had even been ready to give Zhishu his melted heart as a present, let alone a tin box. The moment he promised Zhishu He, he felt slightly sorrowful and regretful. He wanted to pamper and dote Zhishu He so much in the coming days and made up for the past days no matter how mischievous or capricious He was. Nevertheless, the dream was difficult to realize. At least now, Zhishu He was still making a polite request to him for a humble thing. But the mood of Zhishu He was visibly better than before. Although he seemed still languid due to the fever, his eyes had been clearer and brighter. He looked at Doctor, who was still driving. Then he tore off the wrapper of a candy and passed it over, Have a candy. Ziyu Ai had a sweet tooth, or there would not be candies in the car. In addition, it was the one he loved fed him personally. So he absolutely accepted it. When Ziyu Ai saw Hes slender fingers stop beside his lips, it took him a lot of effort to resist taking a bite by the chance of eating the candy. The second candy Zhishu He took was for the dog. Taking the car for a long time, Er Gou also looked tired. Er Gou chewed and then swallowed it soon after Zhishu He put the candy into its mouth. The third one, for Zhishu He himself, tasted sweet, and it was so sweet that tears hovering in Hes eyes almost dropped. When Ziyu Ai looked at Zhishu He, he had already fallen asleep again. But this time, he did not habitually had his brows frowned. Smile could also be read from the soft curve of his lips. It was so clean. Chapter 47 - He Is an Expert of Leukemia! Chapter 47: He Is an Expert of Leukemia! Translator: Claire.KK There had been no fireworks at festivals in downtown Beijing for several years. Wenxu Jiang stood in the living room alone, feeling the world unprecedentedly quiet, as if he was suddenly left alone by the whole world. He found that he had done one of the stupidest things in the worldhe got his most cherished treasure lost. Wenxu Jiang did not know where Zhishu He would go or whether he had made any new intimate friends these years. What he knew about He was only the phone number lying in Jiangs address list, and now the phone of He was off. In a trance, Wenxu Jiang even wondered whether Zhishu He had already been with the doctor. For the first time, he was frightened by that idea and rejected to make associations with them two deliberately. Wenxu Jiang was clear that if someone dare touch Zhishu He, he would even kill him with a kitchen knife. Unconsciously, New Year was coming. January 1, 2015. It should be the 15th year that Wenxu Jiang and Zhishu He had been together. They loved and stumbled all the way, and it was hard to say whether it was the 15th year of love or of acquaintance. It had also no answer if it was just a relationship or had been the short life of a man. Wenxu Jiang kept smoking all night. At dawn, he rose to his feet, and his body, tall and strong, staggered for a moment. He looked at the wristwatch. It was ten past seven. He called the property management and asked if they could check the latest monitor of their housing estate. People from the opposite side told him that the record within a week was accessible. Wenxu Jiangs shirt of high end was crumpled. He did not change it, but put on his coat directly and went out. Wenxu Jiang knew that the monitor of the housing estate could only be a proof for Zhishu Hes leaving. He might as well call Mr. Lee and asked the police for help. But his subconsciousness was so mysterious that he was forced to have a check. Although only a weeks time, what should be known would always appear by coincidence. For instance, Zui Shen appeared in the monitor. Wenxu Jiang felt a tremble in his heart. He finally knew that he had made an irreparable mistake. At first, Wenxu Jiang thought Zui Shen knew how to behave in such a delicate situation, whom he neednt remind of anything. However, he did not expect Zui Shen to have come to Zhishu He. He was also angry with himself at giving an outsider a chance to hurt Zhishu He, who was too soft and gentle to fight back and regarded complaining as a contemptible behavior, and might even repress the anger to numbness. Wenxu Jiang had been aware that he went too far. But now he decided to get onto the right track with Zhishu He, thinking that it would not influence their relationship as long as he did not admit the loving affairs in front of Zhishu He, without expecting to be tripped up by a toy in the end. Zhishu He was the baseline of Wenxu Jiang, whom no one could touch. * The moment Zui Shen opened the door and looked at the man in front of him, his gaunt face came alive. With his labial angles curved in a docile way, he said, Brother Jiang, you finally come. I miss you so much! When you fell in love with someone, you would be glad at a mere sight of him. The grievance dissipated in a moment and it was sure that the indifference from Jiangs eyes and sharp coldness from expressions would be ignored. Wenxu Jiang came in, looking coldly at Zui Shen close the door and then look for shoes for Jiang. You went to find Zhishu He? The sentence without a hint of emotion, unexpectedly, shocked Zui Shen into a shiver like a thunder. Zui Shen had thought it would be all right. After all, it had been a few days and everything went well. Zhishu He would have already told Jiang if he wanted to. Wenxu Jiang walked over to Zui Shen step by step and said, I warned you last time in France and do you think you are capable now. How dare you forced Zhishu He away? Wenxu Jiang kicked in the belly of Zui Shen without any sign, wearing a clearly murderous look, If I cant find Zhishu He, youre gonna die. He turned around to go out but stumbled over a box of truck Zui Shen had cleared away, out of which a jewelry box tumbled to the front of Jiang, and a worn ring rolled out. It caught Wenxu Jiangs sight and he stopped and stared at it for a while. Zui Shens face was pale out of pain. At the sight of the ring, his face turned gray with fear, and said nearly in a begging tone, Brother Jiang I can explain. The first time he went to bed with Wenxu Jiang was due to Jiangs drunk, so Jiang woke up late. Zui Shen woke up early because he felt ill for drinking too much. At that time, he did not know that Wenxu Jiang had a lover. When he liked Wenxu Jiang secretly, he had already been curious about the worn and worthless ring on Jiangs finger, so he took it off while the man was fast asleep. However, he held it in his hand for a while and unconsciously fell asleep. When he woke up again with nobody aside, the ring was still in his hand. It had been two days since Wenxu Jiang found him again, and Jiang asked directly about the ring. At that time, Wenxu Jiang was really horrible, his eyes red with fierceness, as if having lost something precious. Zui Shen was frightened, so he did not dare to tell the truth but give an evasive answer that probably it was lost. Wenxu Jiang did not care about the countless strange combination of coincidences behind a ring now. The plain silver ring, pricking his eye sockets, was carved for a few months by Zhishu He, who also wore it on Jiangs hand in earnest. Now it was mixed up with a pile of garbage that would soon be abandoned. He felt a lasting ache in his heart. Wenxu Jiang bent down and picked it up. He blew the dust off the ring gingerly, and wore it seriously on his ring finger. He felt a strange calmness in his heart. The soul wandering for a long time without a place to settle seemed to have an end-result. He even had no mood to argue with Zui Shen anymore. For the sake of the years youve been with me, I will forget it this time. Dont let me see you again. Wenxu Jiang said that and then turned around to leave, but was simply hugged by the one behind him. Crying softly and innocently, Zui Shen begged, Jiang Please dont leave me I was wrong. I will never do that again. As long as youre willing to come to see me, you can have anyone in your heart Its ok that you dont want him to suffer. I can do anything with you and I really love you Zui Shen choked with sobs when the tone was actually similar to that of Zhishu He, which made Wenxu Jiangs heart softened. He pushed Zui Shen away, turned around to stroke his hair and said, Dont spoil yourself. I have someone in my heart. I was naive in the past and made some mistakes, but youre still young, and you will meet someone you like more. Seeing Wenxu Jiang turn around and leave decisively, Zui Shen lost his last hope. Sitting on a bench in the park, Wenxu Jiang was gently stroking the ring on his finger, and thought of the missing ring of Zhishu He that he noticed at the dinner the day before yesterday. He knew that Zui Shen must have made something to Zhishu He with his thing. His ring was got back, but Zhishu He could not wait for it and left. The ringing of his mobile phone interrupted Wenxu Jiangs thoughts. He answered the phone, and it was Jingwen Zhang, Hello? I will get married next Monday. Im calling to invite you to come to my wedding party with your partner. Being filled with happiness, Jingwen smiled, not aware of Jiangs bleak cold tone. Zhishu left I dont know where he went. You quarreled with him? Jingwen was silent for a moment, and then asked, He left alone? Is anyone along with him? Wenxu Jiang and Jingwen Zhang had been good friends for many years, and they could share anything to each other, He was very close with a doctor days before, a man who seemed interested in Zhishu. Doctor? Jingwen wondered how Zhishu He could make friends with a doctor since he rarely went out. Wenxu Jiang gave out a cool hum, But hes certainly not an ordinary doctor. He drives a Ferrari and what he sends to Zhishu are all valuable, such as an orchid which is worth more than two million. Hes probably still young, about in his early thirties. Originally Jingwen Zhang wanted to laugh at Wenxu Jiang that he got angry with Zhishu He last time might be due to the jealousy from the loving crisis awareness. But Zhang was shocked on a second thought. Loving cars and flowers, a young doctor Isnt that Ziyu Ai? He is an expert of leukemia! Chapter 48 - Fuck your love! Chapter 48: Fuck your love! Translator: Claire.KK Suddenly, it flashed through Jingwen Zhangs mind the tins and bottles on the shelves of Jiangs house, out of which books were emptied. This thought startled him into a fine film of sweat all over. Wenxu, Ill go to your home to meet you. No matter where you are now, go back immediately! Wenxu Jiang felt the weird and ominous feeling in his heart pouncing on him, even his legs were limp when he stood up. He was well aware of the fact that there was something he must face, but not aware of what it was. Every cell in his body was screaming at himyou cant go back! When Wenxu Jiang got home, Jingwen Zhang had already been waiting outside, with only a thin cashmere sweater. He looked anxious. Why are you so late? Jingwen Zhang frowned. Wenxu Jiang took out the key and opened the door. He asked, What else have you recalled? Jingwen Zhang ignored him. Without second consideration, he stepped into the study and found those bottles still there. Zhishu He did not take them away. Jingwen checked them one by one, and some specific medicine were not easy to recognize when they were unpacked. Besides, he was originally not of the same major with that of Ziyu Ai. So it was hard for him to recognize those colorful pills. At first, he planned to take some for a drug test, but the innermost bottle caught the sight of Jingwen Zhang, whose pupils constricted the moment he saw them. He reached for the bottle, poured out two pills onto his hand and checked them. He knew this medicine well. Thioguaninea specific medicine for blood cancer. Last time he hurried to leave, and did not see it clearly. Wenxu Jiang stood behind him silently. Slowly, Jingwen Zhang turned around, with compassion and anger in his eyes. Besides, there were also some grief seemed inexplicable and flustered to Wenxu Jiang. Jingwen Zhang thought of the pallor and weakness the last time he saw Zhishu He, thought of Hes blood clotting disorder as well as Hes gentle eyes and smiling face every time when he came to Wenxu Jiangs home for dinner. Jingwen shook his head and chuckled strangely, Im so sorry I didnt slap you up when I first saw you with a good-looking boy. Wenxu Jiangs heart was punched mercilessly by an invisible force. He took a few steps forward. Not in a tone of exasperation, he just inquired urgently, Whats up? Do you love Zhishu He? Of course. Wenxu Jiang answered without hesitation. Jingwen Zhang rushed forward and gave him a good blow. Few things in recent years had made him so angry. With teeth clenched, he cried to Jiang, You love him?! Fuck your love! You love him and you go out with other boys! You love him and cant see his physical and mental state getting worse and worse! You love him so you rape him! Wenxu Jiang could not rebut, but was annoyed by Jingwen Zhangs sudden hit and censure. His IQ was zero when he was out of control. You dont know about our family! Im just having fun! I wont let him go! Wenxu Jiang! Youre fucking shameless! Jingwen Zhang stopped his hands, and his voice became calm. He said with coldness and sarcasm, When you go out and play, he may be having a bone marrow puncture and cant even get up. When you suspect that he and the doctor are having love affairs, he may have just struggled back home after chemotherapy. You had pretended to regret after you raped him the other day, but do you know he was even not conscious, and he didnt take off his coat because his arms were pinpricks and bruises all over. Wenxu Jiang had noticed that things began to run out of control, and a chill went from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He froze. His pretended threatening manner had also been away. Like a child bringing disaster, he asked at a loss, What What are you talking about? Jingwen sneered, with tears at the corner of his eyes, Zhishu He dont want you this time. He turned around to leave, with no medicine, no turning back. Whats the matter with him?! Wenxu Jiang gave a loud cry, and his voice was trembling with fear to the bone. Leukaemia I dont know how long its been. Dont tease me. I havent been messing with you lately! All right. Even if Zhishu was not at home, you will get your wedding presents for double shares. Wenxu Jiang became softer and faked an easy smile, I know that its my fault. Im sorry for him. Ill change all of these. You dont scare me in this way. Like a drowning man struggling, Wenxu Jiang stared longingly at the straw in Jingwens hand, which could save Jiangs life. As if as long as Jingwen Zhang admitted that all of this was false, he could have a chance of survival. Have you ever seen him had a nosebleed? Have you ever seen him not feel like eating due to weakness and weariness? Have you ever seen him suffering from a low fever? You dare not admit it now? Youve learned to play a fool? Can you fool yourself? Literally, every word made Jiangs heart hurt. Chapter 49 - Memories Chapter 49: Memories Translator: Claire.KK Ziyu Ais elder brother had a tea garden, which was more than ten mu (about two acres). Its environment was very good. It was next to Lingyin Temple and only more than 20 minutes drive to Wulin Gate where one could start the visit to the West Lake. The dog was in full swing after getting off the car. However, sitting in the car for too long, the dog felt dizzy and its legs went soft so that it could not control itself and directly fell into the lake beside the tea garden. Ziyu Ai laughed at the disaster. It was really warm in Hangzhou. The time was just past 6 a.m., and the temperature was already more than 10 degrees. Zhishu He was still asleep. The pouches under his eyes, covered by his long eyelashes, were heavy because of a bad sleep for a long time. Ziyu Ai bent over and carefully held Zhishu He up horizontally. Although Ai acted especially lightly, He woke up immediately. Dont move around, Ziyu Ai held He tighter and laughed, or youll fall. Zhishu He felt a bit embarrassed for they were too close to each other. He struggled to get out of Ais arms but failed, I can walk myself. Ziyu Ai glanced aside and saw that the wet dog had already run over, When you come down, it will pounce on you. Ziyu Ai kept walking and said, Ill hold you to have a good rest and bring those kittens in later. Ziyu Ai was also tired. He drove for more than 20 hours intermittently. Zhishu did not want to trouble him more. So he agreed. The weather in the south was wet and the quilts were not as warm and soft as those in the north after being aired under the sunshine. Ziyu Ai had made someone change all quilts for new ones. Ziyu pulled the quilt over He and said, Sleep for a while. Ill invite you to eat wine-steeped shrimp at a famous restaurant called Louwailou for lunch. Doctor Ai, Im sorry to trouble you so much. When my friends visit me, I also treat them like this. Stop thinking too much. After arranging well the dog and the kittens, I also need sleep for a while. Dont say anything that makes me sober anymore. Ziyu Ai evaded the topic and pretended to be extremely fatigue. It was common for a doctor to perform a delicate operation continuously for more than 10 hours. Ziyu Ai were good both in spirit and physique. He was just to cheat Zhishu. It was not a problem to let him drive continuously to Suzhou. Ziyu Ai called his classmate in Shanghai as soon as he left the bedroom. All arrangements were in place. Both the medical level and technical nursing were as good as that in Beijing. He had used up all his resources to find the proper marrow that matched with Zhishus. Although it was a little late.Ziyu Ai shut the dog out of the door and slept peacefully for five or six hours. He did not realize that it was so cold that he was awaked by the coldness. The cold and damp could be felt only after a long time staying. He stood up to wash his face. He was wondering where he could buy an electric heater for Zhishu. Ziyu Ai was a doctor, who was more meticulous than ordinary people. Besides, he loved Zhishu so deeply that he could give him the whole world. He wished that he could think of everything in advance right away and then Zhishu would not suffer any grievance. Zhishu He was awake. He slept drowsily a lot on the way here. He had a short rest. He had been thinking about helping the doctor clean up the house unoccupied for a long time. However, it was surprisingly clean. So Zhishu went out for a walk. The view and environment was so nice that the air was fresh and sweet, temperate and humid. All was the same as deep in the memory, even clearer and brighter. When Ziyu Ai came out, Zhishu He was showering the dog. It crawled out of the water and rolled in the mud. There was some foam on Zhishu Hes face. His clothes were mostly wet. He was in a good mood. It was the most beautiful eyes and brows curls that Ziyu Ai had ever seen as Zhishu was smiling. Okay, Ill do the next. Take a shower and change your clothes. Later, well go out for lunch. Ziyu Ai was still afraid that Zhishu He might catch a cold after getting wet. He went to take the work quickly. Zhishu He agreed, but did not leave immediately. He squatted aside and watched Ziyu Ai wash the dog. Ziyu Ai treated the dog so rudely that the dog barked all the time. Dont be so rude to the dog. Zhishu He turned his head to the doctor and said, Foam flows into its eyes. He reached out his hand to wipe away the foam in the dogs eyes. The dog was brought by Ziyu Ai to wash in a pet shop more often. It was a fight to wash the dog himself. At last, he played in the bathing work like a playful child. Zhishu He never complained. He washed the dog clean, with his eyes being mild and helpless. Zhishu, you are brilliant! ZIyu Ai squatted beside the dog, and ingratiated himself with Zhishu in a gentle tone, just like a cute dog, wagging its tail with its eyes being loyal. It seemed that it could fight for you only with one look of you. Zhishu He pursed his lips and looked away. He could not give Ziyu Ai any expectation. He would leave. Better a little loss than a long sorrow. It was better that he never got any hope than he lost after getting it. Zhishu He had already learned to be smart. The wine-steeped shrimp of Louwailou was the most classic. Ziyu Ai was lucky enough to reserve seats beside the window, where they could see the view of the West Lake. It was sunny. As usual, there were many people on the Broken Bridge. Zhishu He just ate a little but focused on the views. As a student, he and Wenxu Jiang often came here in rainy days, especially in snowy days that were hard to see. Jiang took He by bike. Without a camera, Jiang could finally find out the best scenery for He to picture. Zhishu He smiled softly. The weather was warm. Thinking of the past, it seemed as if life had been going smoothly all the time. They were good shining days. Ziyu Ai felt the subtle changes of Zhishu He. He sat close to He, but failed to disturb Hes memory. He could do nothing but watch Hes mind wandering. The sunshine gave Hes eyelashes a golden glow. Ziyu Ai had no doubt that at this moment Zhishu He was satisfied and happy. However, happiness only existed in memories. There was only disappointment and cold in reality. Ziyu Ai did not disturb He. As long as He could be happy for a bit longeven only with some memories, it would be a good thing for Ai. This was good. Chapter 50 - Not Nightmare, But Reality. Chapter 50: Not Nightmare, But Reality. Translator: Claire.KK However, the sweetness of recollection should be shared by both lovers; one alone would feel nothing but lonely. Zhishu Hes heart began to ache in a sudden, as if he was feeling the same pain for some other people. On January 2nd 2015, the first heavy snow came nine months earlier than that in 2014. Wenxu Jiang fell down the slippery steps and nearly had a bad sprain on the ankle as he walked out of the hospital, if not held by a timely hand of Jingwen Zhang. Firmly, Wenxu Jiang grasped a few pieces of crumpled thin paper in his hand. It was a copy of disease inspection report, which took Jingwen Zhang lots of efforts to find. The black and white characters in the report completely destroyed Wenxu Jiangs last hope. Holding the report closely to his chest, Wenxu Jiang broke away from Jingwen Zhangs grasp and walked ahead. Jiang was then in a spiritless and absent-minded state. Jingwen Zhang tried to persuade him but only watched his tall figure suddenly kneel on the ground, leaving a sharp mark in the endless whiteness. Wenxu Jiangs eyes were all red, but he didnt seem to cry or stand up, but started to tear the report into pieces with all his strength, as if he was fighting against something dark and evil. However, he lost. Staring at the scraps of paper, Wenxu Jiang showed weakness and sadness in his eyes. He looked up at his friend Zhang who was also in complicated feeling, and forced a smile to Zhang. Jiang said, I probably had a terrible dream just now. Give me a hand; I need to eat dumplings with him. At each of the first snow, we used to eat dumplings together. Jingwen Zhang couldnt help but burst into tears; he signed, WenxuYou cant lie to yourself. The retribution did come, and Wenxu Jiang indeed couldnt lie to himself. His mind was clear, the very first time so clear in the past several years. He could clearly recall the snowy night when Zhishu He called him in a careful and expectant voice, We always eat dumplings when it snows. Ill make some dumplings for you, Zhishu He added, I miss you; can you come back this evening? Then He continued, Where is your ring? Let it be. Forget about it, its not a big deal. Wenxu Jiang couldnt really imagine how Zhishu He withstood such a disease alone and waited for him alone. Zhishu He was the only one whom Wenxu Jiang cared and loved more than anyone else. Wenxu Jiang loved Zhishu more than he could. Wenxu Jiang slowly raised his two hands, which were all red because of the cold wind. It was the two hands that used to be handed with other pair, used to hug the one he loved, and used to gently caress and passionately fondle the body; then things changed, it was the two hands slapping in Hes face, touching others body, and receiving a notice of pause after all these absurd things in the end: several pieces of disease report. Jingwen Zhang angrily pulled Wenxu Jiang up from the ground, feeling sorry for him but couldnt help criticizing, Dont make a scene of yourself here. You should have expected the result when you did it at the very first place. Even if he hadnt have a disease like that, how long would he continue to endure your disloyalty? Zhishu He was not of such a disposition to be easily offended by one accident and hence to blame the rest of the world for no reason. Zhishu He would never stop listening, if he was hurt or betrayed for just one time. However, the most horrible fact about his disposition was that Zhishu He, who was usually too casual to have any bottom line and too tolerant to have any limit, would instead leave no chance for explanation, if he was tired of endless cheating. Even worse, Wenxu Jiang gave no support for Zhishu He at his most vulnerable state, but only hurt and unconcern. The recollection was only left with pains once the two separated, even if they had been together for over ten years of deep affection. Wenxu Jiang began to find where Zhishu He was. Wenxu Jiang only wanted to find him and take him home, to love him more than ever, and to cure him whatever the cost. Jiang even spare no more attention to the companys business. But the first thing occurred to him in his search was to the relationship between Ziyu Ai and Ziqian Ai. Chapter 51 - Ziyus Efforts Slightly Paid off Chapter 51: Ziyus Efforts Slightly Paid off Translator: Claire.KK Ziyu Ai was genuinely good to Zhishu He, no worse than the younger Wenxu Jiang. His love for Zhishu was straightforward. He bought Zhishu sparklers. He designed a cat tree for Zhishus cat and chose materials himself to make it. He even cleared some space in his yard and built a garden for Zhishu to grow flowers. Ziyus efforts were slightly paid off. He had managed to claim another half of Zhishus bed. Though he had to bring his own bedding and quite a big gap was kept between them. Ziyu opened the bedroom door quietly. Small, heartwarming, orange light was illuminating the room. He walked to Zhishu while Zhishu was reading a book leaning on the headboard. What are you reading? Ziyu reclined in the bed, slightly turned his head towards Zhishu. Zhishu smiled, showed the page to him, Six Chapters of a Floating Life, written by Fu Shen. Ziyu moved closer to Zhishu and leaned his head on Zhishus shoulder, speaking in an abstractedly low voice, I had a nightmare last night. I wonder why I was wakened up by you last night. You were crying even in your sleep. Zhishu He didnt push Ziyu Ai away. Ziyu froze for a little moment. I am useless, arent I? He didnt want Zhishu to know that in his dream, Zhishu was leaving him bit by bit until this man was totally out of reach, eventually turned into a cloud in the sky. Zhishu closed the book and tried to cheer him up, Dreams are opposite to the real life. Zhishu, I have contacted with my old classmate in Shanghai. We go there and have your cancer treated, okay? Ziyu tried to persuade Zhishu. To Zhishu, it seemed to be such an abrupt turn of their conversation. He had no idea that all Ziyu did was just a setup. Zhishus tone cooled down. No. I dont want to. Ziyu suddenly raised his head and looked into Zhishus eyes. Dont give your own body a hard time! He said. You are a doctor. Dont you know if it is treatable? Zhishu avoided the eye contact with Ziyu by slightly turning his head away. You never knowwe can try. Ziyu mumbled as a burst of heartache struck him. Zhishu He reached out his hand; his fingertip gently stroked on Ziyu Ais cheek from top to bottom. If you do care about me, stop pushing me. Chemotherapy hurts. Medicine is corrosive. The pain will start from blood vessels. And it has lots of side-effects. Bone marrow aspiration is painful; so does hemodialysis. Do you honestly want me to live the last days of my life in misery? To see the hospital turn me into a freak before I die? His eyes were so gentle when he said that. Ziyu Ai was aware of everything he said, but it felt much heavier to hear the one he cared the most speak out the truth word by word. As if his words had cut him into pieces, Ziyu was in great agony; his heart was bleeding. However, his emotional suffering was nothing compared to what Zhishu was going through. You wouldnt know how painful the needle tip could be if it wasnt on you. If we do nothing, you will suffer anyway. Ziyu shook his head with teeth gnashed, trying to hold his tears in. I didnt suffer when you and I climbed the mountain, when I walked my dog by the West Lake, and when the kitten snored in my arms. Zhishu gave Ziyu a little hug. Spoil me for the last time. I cant Ziyu was crushed; he couldnt even speak out of sorrow. Must you force me to go to the hospital? To do chemotherapy? To take the medicine? To see me covered with tubes and eventually die in pain? These words didnt sound like what the usual Zhishu would say as they hurt. Throughout Zhishu Hes entire life, he acted self-willed twice. He estranged from his parents and abandoned his home the first time, and now this was the second time where he gave up on himself. I love you. Ziyu put his head on Zhishus neck. Zhishu could feel the warm fluids burning his skin, which made him feel so sorry. If I had a second life, Id like to be a girl and wait for you, only you. Zhishu started to calm him. Ziyu didnt move. He was panting like a little animal. I wouldnt mind if you were a man. He said in a weak voice. Two men equals a hard life. Zhishu sighed. Ziyu held Zhishu in his arms; they lay in the bed together. Let me be your wife in our next life. Id be in charge of housework and labor. And Id give birth to our baby. He turned off the light. Tears burst out as he knew deep inside that he was bound to lose Zhishu. Their hug lasted for the rest of the night. Ziyu got up early the next morning. He felt empty inside as he saw Zhishus languishing face. He fled out of the bedroom in a hurry. For the first time in his life, he blamed himself for being helpless. Ziyu sat in the living room, having no idea where his mind was wandering. He was thinking where they could go for a trip together, where to enjoy the last moment of Zhishus life. Ziyu Ai sat on the couch facing the ceiling with his hands on his forehead. His heart was aching. Someone was at the door making a noise that sounded impatient and rushed. Ziyu got up and went for a check, but caught Ziqian Ai entering the house. Ziqian Ai was wearing a black businessman suit. His hair was properly slicked back, a sharp look emanated through the gold-rimmed spectacles on his high-bridged nose. There was a cold curl on the mans face, and surprisingly it was his pissed-off expression. Bro, how come you are here? Why didnt you call me and I would pick you up? Ziyu Ai stepped closer but unexpectedly got a hard smack on his face. Youve got some fucking nerves, huh? Ziqian Ai wasnt even content with the smack, so he added more kicks. Normally, he loved his baby brother but when the little brat pissed him off, he wouldnt give a second thought to batter him as their father would. Ziyu Ai was absolutely confused; he neither dodged nor resisted. What did I do? he asked. Who was the person you took away a few days ago? Ziqian asked back in a cold voice. Ziyu didnt have a clue about what the hell was going on. His brother knew exactly what he did and he had been covering him up all the time. The one I love. He answered. Should I say what a spot-on?! You took Wenxu Jiangs precious away. Did you know that?! That crazy man couldnt find you so he just took it out on me and he wont get off my back. Do you know how much money Ive lost recently? Ziyu Ai started to get a bit irritated. Goddammit, you told me Wenxu Jiang was having affairs everywhere. Id say hes extorting you! He said. Ziqian Ai had a bossier personality than his brother did. He raised his voice dramatically, Do you just blindly take my word for it? I havent worked with him for long; how was I supposed to know that person was most cherished by him?! You idiot! Ive spoiled you, havent I? Keep it down, will you? Youll wake him up, hes a light sleeper. Ziyu Ai frowned and said. Ziqian Ai got angrier. I dont mind you looking for fun; Ive got your back anyway. But can you keep it simple? At least not a secondhand one, okay? Hes been with him for more than a decade. His holes already loosened! The moment Ziyu Ai heard this, rage filled in his bloodshot eyes. He suddenly got up and gave his brother an unexpected punch. Chapter 52 - Brothers’ Confrontation Chapter 52: Brothers Confrontation Translator: Claire.KK Ziqian Ai never expected that his own brother would fight him over someone outside their family. And when the two men fought, they fought hard. This younger brother had been looked after all the time by Ziqian Ai since they were little; but now Ziyu had the guts to fight him back, which absolutely broke his heart. You little piece of shit! You had fun, but did you know how much money Ive lost these days? Only three days! Twenty fucking million! Would it cost you so much to have an affair with Bingbing Fan (a Chinese actor)? If I hadnt been protecting you, Wenxu Jiang would come after me! If I hadnt been doting on you, it would be our dad beating up your ass today! A farce. Ziyu Ai panted heavily; he even ignored his brothers surrender in those words. He had been feeling unsettled since last night. While he was in fear and agitation, his brother groundlessly got involved. Ziqian Ai just went too far. He cruelly abused and defamed the one Ziyu valued and loved the most. No matter how bad Zhishu He was, still, he was the one Ziyu cared the most in his heart, the unattainable moonlight Ziyu longed for. Ziqian had the punches coming. We all had things that we were embarrassed about but couldnt let go of. Ziyu Ai never put it on the table but he did mind that another man had pampered Zhishu for more than a decade, which made what his brother said more hurtful, almost like a nail in the foot. Ziyu Ai had a bad feeling as he suddenly saw his brothers look behind him in a brief daze. Zhishu was standing behind the silkwood folding screen. The room was cold; inside the heavy coat, he was only wearing his pajama. Zhishu looked pale, his slightly drooped eyelids hid his emotion from Ziyu Ai. No one knew how long he had been standing there. And you are? Ziqian Ai frowned and straightened up his outfit. He felt a bit awkward. Ziyu Ai was totally panicked. He stepped close to Zhishu but stopped halfway. Zhishu? He called him softly. Zhishu He slightly raised his head, his eyes somehow empty. Ziyu Ai, I was looking out of the window; the plants in the garden have come into large clusters of leaves. This was the first time he called the doctors name, but it made Ziyu Ai almost cry. Ziqian Ai was a bit shocked. He didnt expect that this was Zhishu He. He thought the man that took Wenxu Jiangs heart away and captivated his younger brother would have the prettiest face and be a dirty, horny bitch in bed. But there he was, sad and lonely. He looked pale and gave the vibes of blandness, which could even be described as sexual apathy. Ziqian Ai always had a good memory, something his brother once had said suddenly occurred to him that Wenxu Jiangs lover was taking medical treatment at his brothers hospital. But didnt his brother specialize in leukemia? Ziqian Ai found it absurd. This was the first time for him. He was a businessman; he would carefully do the calculations about expenses and profits so he just didnt understand what was in it for his brother. Ziyu made so many efforts mentally and physically to take Zhishu He home but couldnt touch him. Even Hes cancer was unlikely to be cured. Ziqian Ai couldnt figure Wenxu Jiang out either. The man had Ziqians respect because he made tough moves in business and he was a sophisticated playboy. It turned out he already had someone at home. Not until his precious went missing, did he start to worry. He just went crazy on everyone he was after. Vicious competition was but a double-edged sword. But, in this matter, Wenxu Jiang had lost more than Ziqian Ai did. Ziyu Ai couldnt care less about what was on his brothers mind at the moment, all he cared about was Zhishu He. He rushed at him step by step. Lets go and check if the dog wakes up, he said gently, If hes not, well wake him up and take him to climb the mountain with us. Zhishu He dramatically turned his head away as it was a reflex to conceal the tears that he couldnt hold. This love scared him. If he failed to resist the temptation, it would be a bad ending for everyone. So he had to control himself. He turned his heart into a stone, put on a cold face and walked away. No hesitation, no looking back. Ziyu Ai, go back to Beijing with me. Ziqian Ai frowned and shouted. He couldnt see his brother suffer and distressed for a hopeless future anyhow. Ziyu Ai didnt listen; instead, he ran to Zhishu and held him tightly, Dont leave me. You are better off without me, Zhishu He patted on Ziyu Ais shoulder, smiled and said, Go home. Ziyu, take him with you. At least, I could help you take care of him, Ziqian Ai softened his tone completely, Plus, you know more experts in Beijing. Ziyu Ai didnt loosen his arms. I promised him to stay in the south. He doesnt like the hospital. He doesnt like the wind and snow in the north. Ziyus vague voice came from behind Zhishu Hes neck. Why must the mild southern breeze endure the rigorous cold in the north? Chapter 53 - Blood Stained the Ground. Chapter 53: Blood Stained the Ground. Translator: Claire.KK Wenxu Jiang hadnt had a proper sleep for days. Someone was constantly on his mind. He couldnt stop thinking about the person, couldnt help feeling the heartache. Wenxu was in agony. He refused to accept the fact since the day he walked out of the hospital. He was so afraid to see Zhishus health condition worse. Wenxu Jiang would rather the pain was on him. But he couldnt get hold of any whereabouts of Zhishu. When it led to Ziqian Ai, the partner of his, he thought that guy would be a sensible man, whereas he never expected that the guy was another asshole that pretended to know nothing. It was obvious that he was determined to cover his brother up. Wenxu Jiang was so mad that he pulled out all the stops to go head to head against Ziqian Ai in the last few days. Today, Wenxu Jiang fell asleep at his desk. He was too tired, physically and mentally. He was unable to enjoy a deep sleep because of the uncomfortable position. It felt like his body was still responding to the environment but the drowsiness had brought him into dreamland. The dream felt so real. In a trance state, Wenxu found himself back in high school classroom again, studying chemistry. The teaching made him very sleepy. Before he closed his eyes at his desk, the last person he saw was the boy sitting next to him; the boy wearing the school uniform properly had black and soft hair and was listening carefully to the teacher, whose eyes sparkled gentleness and innocence. Zhishu Wenxu heard someone weeping in his dream. When he woke up, the chilling fluids on his cheek caught him off guard. He didnt move; his lifeless eyelashes flipped; his low and hoarse voice sounded like he was sobbing. Zhishu, come back, please. You can do whatever you want He said. Cats or dogs, Zhishu could keep them if there were enough space in the house. No matter how busy I were, I would hug and kiss you after work, I would bend over like a little pet to make you laugh. I would be willing to give all my heart to you so that you would stay forever with me. Wenxu Jiang drove home at late night because the scent of Zhishu lingered in his house. He wasnt sure whether the fragrance smelled like the ink in books or the still sandalwood. It wasnt aggressive, same as that man, who could even be a bit bland in a long-term relationship, but when he suddenly disappeared, he could be the drug that turns Wenxu into an insatiable addict. Wenxu Jiang was in a very bad mood today, he peculated some of the companys working capital for his own use. The board was unhappy about it. But thanks to his long autocracy, it wasnt too big of a problem. When the elevator door opened, Wenxu Jiang saw someone crouching in the dark at his door. His heart jerked. He remembered that two months ago, Zhishu He was locked out of the house by him. Zhishu was as thin as this man. He must be sad and have kept silent in disappointment. He must have dared not to argue or fawn. Wenxu Jiang was a bit flustered. His heart felt like being nibbled by thousands of tiny bugs. Sorrow and regret overwhelmed him. He was too nervous to take a step. He couldnt help thinking to himself, Has Zhishu come back to him? Hey, Wenxu It was a deliberately softened sobbing voice pleasing and begging him. Wenxu Jiangs vision dimmed as if he had got hit on the head. He stood still and finally asked cold-bloodedly, What are you doing here? How dare you show up here? Unexpectedly, Wenxu Jiang shouted out loud furiously. Red mist filled up his eyes as he stepped close to Zui Shen. Do you know how many times I thought about destroying you? I thought about having you raped and your face ruined, Wenxu said in a cold voice, So that you would become the lowest prostitute and get fucked by men day and night until you catch STD and die. Wenxu was pretty much emotionless when he said this, calmly and peacefully, but you wouldnt doubt the authenticity of every single word he said. Wenxu Jiang burst into laughter, sarcastic laughter. And then he smacked on his own face unexpectedly. But I dont have the right! He had no right to punish the one who hurt his love because it was never anyone elses fault, but his own. Zui Shen tottered towards Wenxu Jiang, trying to hold him by the waist but got kicked away. Zui Shens back bumped the door, the collision must hurt but it could never compete with the pain in his heart. Wenxu, dont leave me. It was my fault Zui Shen had the fairest face, which was now pale. He looked terribly delicate and pitiful with his teary face. We can be what we used to be You can screw me any way you like it. I wont try to replace the irreplaceable one of yours Wenxu Jiangs look was indiscernible in the dark. His felt indescribably uncomfortable. Fuck off now. Dont you say these disgusting things to me in front of my house. Wenxu Jiang didnt want to hear it. He was disgusted as Zui Shen crawled back to him and him the body. Also, he was disgusted with himself for once being self-indulgent. Zui Shen didnt speak. He cried. Tears fell non-stopping. Wenxu Jiang, I really love you. He finally caught his breath and said. He really loved him but he didnt know why. Even though this man rarely treated him gently and they were together for sex. It felt like every drip of fluid came out of his eyes was blood rather than tear. He was expressionless but his eyes showed timidity like a kid. I didnt mean to take your ring away. Please, Wenxu You said that I can have the house but I never changed the name on the ownership certificate. I didnt spend a penny from the money that you put in my bank card. I didnt want you to be my sugar daddy Zui Shens sobs were too heavy a burden on the heart. I knew you were in love with someone else but I kept telling telling myself that I am no worse than anyone Dont hate me, please I am not I am not a bad person Wenxu Jiangs finger quivered intensely. He knew how badly love could hurt. It had hurt Zhishu He, it was hurting Zui Shen, and it would hurt Wenxu Jiang. Leave. Wenxu Jiang sighed. Im busy lately, well talk in some other day. Zui Shens eyes sparkled, he grinned like a child. OK, Wenxu. Ill come back again in a few days. See you. Zui Shen left obediently. He wasnt stupid after all. He wandered on the street in an unclear state of mind. The crossroad traffic lights malfunctioned; a black Maserati zoomed over at full speed and boom! Blood stained the ground. A human life, to others, was just a piece of news on the next days newspaper. Chapter 54 - You’ve Got White Hair. Chapter 54: Youve Got White Hair. Translator: Claire.KK The driver was a vip member of the most famous luxury car club in Beijing, also, allegedly, the nephew of a chief officer of some military region. The silver-spoon boy drank a bit of alcohol and went to Yanxi Villa to meet his mistress, but his joyride accidentally killed a man. How could a lawbreaker like that be treated the same as civilians? Loads of ass-kissers were queuing to solve his problem. The car accident didnt even cause a ripple. Not until two days later did Wenxu Jiang knew what happened to Zui Shen. The moment he heard the news, he felt like everything paused, even his heartbeat. He wasnt in too deep of a relationship with Zui Shen; the man was just like a pet for entertainment purpose. But the news was still a shock to Wenxu. Wenxu Jiang had earned so much money, it would be a lie to say that he never got blood on his hand. He didnt feel guilty or sad about Zui Shens death. He certainly didnt feel good about it though; it was like a twitch in his heart. He would never expect that the man he spared would eventually die anyway. He suddenly realized that human life couldnt be manipulated by any man. Later, Wenxu Jiang figured out what he was feeling bad about; it was the loneliness derived from his extreme grief. Zui Shens death reminded him of Zhishu He. Even though Wenxu knew that Zhishu He had leukemia, it never occurred to him that someday, he would actually die. He just wanted to get him back and treat him good and never do him wrong again. He wanted to be together with him forever and ever. But the reality was that not everything in this world would go at his will. Wenxu Jiang closed his eyes despondently. He now understood what the unpredictable death was. Jingwens wedding was held as planned. He wanted to postpone it until Wenxu Jiang calmed down and got Zhishu He back. It was just that the brides grandfather wasnt feeling well recently, whose greatest wish was to see his baby granddaughter marry a good man. Wenxu Jiang attended the wedding anyway. He prepared a rather thick red packet himself. It was their big day; Wenxu wanted to put on a happy face but it was hard. You could tell that he was in a poor condition from his emaciated cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Jingwen ushered Wenxu in person and warmly put his arm around Wenxus neck. It was considerate of Jingwen not to ask anything; Wenxu, however, couldnt stand another pair of compassionate eyes. Come and get inside. The bride and bridesmaids will make toasts to you in turn. Wenxu shook his head and smiled. Ill pass. Let your grandfather-in-law get the toasts. Im just here to congratulate you, He took the red packet out and said, A token of my best wishes. Wenxu Jiang was generous to his friends as always. The eight thousand in the packet was just a symbol of good luck; what really counts was the card inside the stack of money. Jingwen wasnt aware of Jiangs pattern. He quite cheerfully took it over and felt it with a happy face. Alright, quite a thick one. He grinned. Wenxus eyes milder, he smiled, Its from me and Zhishu. Jingwen paused and stared at Wenxu for a moment, feeling sorry for him. Wenxu He then said softly. His tone was filled with bitterness and sadness, Youve got white hair on the sides of your face. * Ziqian Ai left on the same night he came. He knew his brother so he didnt waste time on extra persuasion. He knew it was best if he stayed out of it. How long could the life of a cancer patient that refused chemotherapy last? He would be dead less than one year. And how long could a dead man be remembered? Less than one year. Ziqian Ai could wait. He reckoned it could serve as a life lesson for his brother. Zhishu Hes condition got worse. He was covered with bruises, even edema at the worst part. You could see a tiny pit when a swelling got pressed; what you couldnt see was the stinging pain. Zhishu He was lethargic every day and had a bad appetite and was too weak to walk around. But he wouldnt like to trouble others. Instead, he kept the severest pain to himself. Recently, Zhishu was fascinated by the balcony outside the French windows on the second floor. Looking down, there were Doctor Ais plants growing wildly in the garden. They seemed to grow buds. Looking into the distance, there was Lingyin Temple and a small lake in the tea plantation, which was a pleasant view. Ziyu Ai was so worried about Zhishu He that he was on pins and needles every day. Zhishu was more stubborn than he thoughtnot only did he stay away from the medicine for his cancer, but he also cut off the painkillers and sleeping pills. This day, Zhishu had a fever again, which burnt him out so this night; unlike usual, he slept early. Ziyu Ai carefully stroked Zhishus face with a warm towel. He couldnt help kissing him from between his eyebrows to the edge of his lips, then he lay next to Zhishu and cuddled him. Ziyu Ai cuddled Zhishu a lot these days when Zhishu couldnt sleep at night. Zhishu didnt like the cold. No matter how high temperature the air-con was set at night, it would still be too cold for him. Ziyu had a warm body. He would hold the entirety of Zhishus body in his arms and pat Zhishu on his back like he was a kid. As day went by, Zhishu could sleep better but Ziyu became a light sleeper. So tonight, a smallest sound Zhishu made woke Ziyu up. He heard Zhishu whimpering very quietly. He turned on the table lamp but found that Zhishu hadnt awake. There was a thin layer of sweat on his forehead, which indicated that he was suffering in his dream. Ziyu washed the towel and wiped Zhishus face again. His hand was shaking as he stared at the translucent tracks of tears on his cheeks. He kissed on his eyelashes, prayed that he could sleep tight tonight. Suddenly, Zhishu He opened his eyes, looked at Ziyu Ai blankly. In a daze, he asked a question that totally came out of nowhere, Where is my ring? Have you seen my ring? Ziyu Ai was confused but soon found that Zhishus eyes were cloudy as if a nightmare had got the better of him. Ziyu talked him into lying down. He took a look at Zhishus fingers in his hand and saw a light mark, due to too many years of wearing a ring, was left on his third finger. Chapter 55 - Nightmare and Heartache If someone was so important to you, over time, they would sear a mark on your heart. And whether the person was still kept in mind or not, the mark just wouldnt disappear ever after. Ziyu Ai tucked Zhishu He into the cover. He felt bad all of a sudden. All he wanted to do was look at the plants he had grown for Zhishu. Time went by very fast. It was already the middle of January. Two weeks later, it would be February, which was another step closer to Chinese New Year. Zhishu would take a little walk when feeling less painful but he wouldnt go too far away from the house. When he was in a bad shape, he would cover himself with a thick cashmere blanket and read books in an armchair. Zhishu didnt like TVs or movies because they would dizzy him, which led to heavy headaches. However, reading wasnt that comfortable for him either, he would often fall asleep halfway through a book. What scared Ziyu the most now was to see Zhishu fall asleep. He was uptight every time he walked up to himHe was afraid that one day, this man would sleep in peace and never wake up again. Zhishu noticed that recently, there was less moving-about of Doctor Ai in front of him. The man would just mind his own scribbling or doodling near him, acting pretty concentrated. This day, Ziyu Ai, unlike before, raised his head after he finished his drawing, and had a good stretch in the warm afternoon sunshine. Your birthday is close, is it? He then said straightforwardly to Zhishu. It took Zhishu a while before he realized that someone was speaking to him. He slightly leaned forward and said, How do you know? Zhishu Hes birthday was right before Chinese New Year. No one cared about his birthday since he left home a decade ago apart from Wenxu Jiang. Ziyu Ai smiled at him. I took one more glimpse at your ID number when you were filling in the form. It wasnt a painful day for Zhishu so he was willing to have a chat with the doctor. Okay. What have you been drawing these days? Secret. Ziyu Ai acted mingy this time. Zhishu wasnt very curious of it anyway. Bring the dog here. Id like to have fun with him. He didnt say the doctors name, which actually was childishly cute. Ziyu Ai had a softer heart than the West Lake water in April at the moment but he had to force himself to say no. Wait until you feel better. The dog goes out every day. Its unhygienic. The immune system of Zhishus was already vulnerable and that was one big, energetic dog. Ziyu was quite concerned. How much longer could he wait though? Zhishu was a bit disappointed but he knew he did it for his health. Ziyu couldnt bear to see Zhishu get upset. He thought for a while and walked up to Zhishu. How about I get you a kitten here? He asked. Zhishu was cheered up a little. I want the one with black whiskers and white feet. He answered. The fattest one, I get it, Ziyu got close to him and said with a smirky face, Give me a kiss and Ill get it for you. Zhishu rolled his eyes. Dont make fun of me. Ziyu instantly gave up to the eye roll. He couldnt help himself but swiftly zoomed towards Zhishus cheek and kissed on it. Zhishu He was so shocked that his pupils dilated. But thanks to Ziyus rapid pace, the fluffy little fellow was delivered in time, or else Zhishu would surely slap on his face. After that little incident, a touch of intimacy and romance broke into their life which had never occurred before. Ziyu Ai was hell of a cheeky guy. At first, he would at most sit next to Zhishu to read books, now the two of them shared a blanket. He would also hold Zhishu around his waist and kiss him on the cheek from time to time. Ziyu was also a good pleaser. Zhishu He wouldnt even read a book when he meant to ignore Ziyu Ai, he would close his eyes and just rest. But Ziyu Ai would get his poetry out and read those flirtatious, passionate foreign love poems to him. And one time wasnt enough for Ziyu, he would read again emotionally in standard British English, and finally, round-three in sexy French. What a charmer. Zhishu Hes heart wasnt made of stone, plus, right now, a company was what he needed the most. Right now, he just couldnt resist Ziyus sweetness. Ziyu Ai was the only one, other than Wenxu Jiang at the early stage of their relationship, saw Zhishu as the light of his life, but the two men were different. The one Wenxu Jiang cherished was the adolescent that was prettier than flowers whereas Ziyu Ai was in love with Zhishu at his worst, the man who had been living with another man for more than a decade, as well as the man who was unpredictable and having a fatal illness. * The weather in Beijing was far from ideal. Sunny days were rare even when there was no wind or snow. Smog was a regular inhabitant of the city; each inhalation of the air irritated the throats. It had to be the longest, coldest winter Wenxu Jiang ever had, which had forever engraved the despairing gray on his memory. Late night in his bed, there wasnt a single sound around Wenxu. He felt like the last human being in this world. No matter how many times Wenxu Jiang rolled over in his large bed, when he abruptly woke up in the middle of the night and reached out to the other half of it, there always lay the coldness, boundless coldness. Wenxu Jiang was obsessed with cigarette recently, the ashtrays in his house or the company were always packed with cigarette butts. Later, he started to drink, alone at home. If he managed to get himself drunk, another night would just quietly pass. But sobering up at midnight was the worst as solitude just caught him off guard. More often, Wenxu Jiang just couldnt sleep well, he was haunted by nightmares. At the most torturing times, next days nightmare would start from where it ended yesterday and it felt as real as it got. He often dreamt of Zhishu He, that he was alone at home with long bangs and in white pajamas, strolling in the massive house over and over again. He didnt raise his head; he was at a slow pace; he opened the doors of every bedroom and then shut them, ceaselessly. The other day, Wenxus dream even had sounds it in. Zhishu, who was repeating the same routine as if expecting something behind the doors, at last, sat on the ground, absolutely fatigued. His tears pattered the floor, formed little puddles one after another, while he was saying something in a sad, heartbreaking voice, Wenxu I cant find you. Come back to me, please The sound of his sobs gradually faded. Wenxu Jiang realized the tears on the ground had turned into blood afterwards. And in the end, Zhishu raised his head uphe was pale and haggard, his mouth was full of blood Wenxu Jiang awakened from the nightmare and was too afraid to keep sleeping. Its my fault Wenxus heart was in so much pain that he curled his entire body into a small ball in order to stay under sadness radar. Zhishu, it was all on me I wont do this ever again Sorry Sorry At first, Wenxu thought it was pure heartache, the last bit of his conscience, causing the pain. But he then passed out in the company. When he was taken to the hospital, he was told that there was actually something wrong with his heart. Heartache could cause physical pain. Wenxus lips turned blue and his eyes dimmed. He missed Zhishu He. Chapter 56 - The Crucial Clues Wenxu Jiang merely stayed at the hospital for a day. He was led back and forth to have his body checked like a puppet on a string, his mind went totally blank. The doctor advised him to quit smoking and alcohols but Wenxu knew it wouldnt help at all because there was a certain person that he couldnt quit. His beloved one, the boy he couldnt get off his mind since schooldays, whose smile was sweeter than flowers. And when he smiled, there was a cute little dimple on one side of his cheeks. And then, they got together. The two of them together had gone through the greatest hardship that others couldnt stand throughout their entire lives. However, when life got better, everything changed. Zhishu smiled less and became quieter. His eyes looked increasingly sad day by day. It was all Wenxus fault. He puckered his lips and huffed hard. He didnt want to cry at the moment. Not until his cellphone rang for quite a while did Wenxu call to his mind. He took it out and answered the phone. Mr. Jiang? This is the Estate Management Department. Whats the matter? Wenxu Jiang answered weakly. Heres the thing, at the beginning of this month, you asked for CCTV footage regarding something. Theres still a small part remaining unchecked. Would you still like to watch it? It will be hard to find if you want to leave it for the next time. Wenxu was going to say forget it. He didnt have time for this pointless stuff. But deep inside, he still kept the last bit of faith. He would rather be troubled with trivialities than miss the slightest chance. He drove home without even taking the medical examination reports. Mr. Jiang. CCTV Security staff greeted him. This is a high-end community with a civilized security team. We spotted something odd during the replay so we called you to have a double-check. Come and have a look, please. Wenxus heart jerked. His fingers were quivering. Due to privacy protection, apart from the lanes across the community, inside the buildings, only elevators and escape ways were equipped with CCTV monitors, and there werent any near doorways of each apartment. But even so, Wenxu Jiang was sure that the car showing up and the guys going upstairs that day were related to Ziyu Ai. This, can you magnify it? Wenxu tapped on the computer screen that paused on a man in a camel coat. The enlarged face of the man felt weirdly familiar to Wenxu. It felt like he saw him somewhere but he couldnt remember, let alone confirm his identity. A quick thought flashed by in his headthe man on the screen looked handsome; the eyes and brows and lower jaw on his emotionless face somehow looked like Ziqian Ai. Wenxu couldnt stay calm anymore as his heart twitched. Play the video back. Pause on those car plates. He took note of the numbers of every car plate himself and called the director of road and transport bureau right after he walked out. That day, the entire police station was busy analyzing the video. All they had been told was some criminal gang had driven off to the south. Wenxu Jiang fell out with Ziqian Ai for good. He had a piece of paper on which Ziyu Ais car plate was underlined sent to Ziqian Ai along with one statement. Well see until I track them down. * During winter in the south, it felt warmer outside the house than inside on a sunny day. Zhishu went out to enjoy the sunshine which he didnt normally do. Ziyu Ai was pruning the branches of the plants, the leaves were thick but there wasnt any bud at all. When will I see the blossoms? Zhishu looked at the doctor while lazily sitting on a little stool holding his chin. There are only leaves. Ziyu Ai stopped what he was doing. He walked to Zhishu, leaned over and touched his forehead with the back of his hand that hadnt got dirt on it. He then heaved a sigh of relief, lowered his hand and stroked his face. Soon after the budding, He thought about it and smiled, Im sure they will bloom in April Zhishu spiritlessly looked away, Still months away. Dont know if I can wait that long. The smile on Ziyus face was instantly gone. Dont say something like that ever again. He said. Zhishu sighed and gave the doctor a comforting smile. I was just saying blahs. It was meant to push them to bloom sooner for me. Zhishu was fully aware of the mental torment Ziyu Ai had undertaken these days if his love was genuine. Granted, taking care of a patient was exhausting and nerve-racking, but the mental torment as in watching the one you cared emaciating and decaying was the real pain. Ziyu Ai squatted in front of Zhishu but didnt buy the consolation at all. His eyes were complicated when looking into Zhishus eyes. He then very slowly got close to him, made very slight contact on Zhishus lips. He didnt avoid it. Ziyus tears fell off at once, leaving him no chance to conceal his sadness. Feeling rather awkward, he turned his head away. Do you want me to sing to you? He said to Zhishu in a low voice. Zhishu drooped his eyelids, the way he looked at the doctor was heartbreakingly gentle. Dont do it again, Ill feel guilty. Guilty about the unforgettable one in his heart, and the limited time he still had for him. Chapter 57 - Jiang’s Arrival Zhishu He dreamt more and more frequently lately, sometimes, he would even sink into tangled dreams during light sleep. The scene in all those dreams was always the same and explicit. It was this cool hooligan-ish boy who never wore his school uniform properly reached out to him with a languid smile, The school is over, lets go home together. Zhishu would always wake up with his face covered with dried tears. He somehow felt it was an odd summoning just as the calls of lost youth, decayed love, and impending demise. Zhishu was selecting the 31st birthday present for himself recentlyhis own grave. This had been going on for days before Ziyu Ai found out. Zhishu couldnt hear very well lately so he didnt notice people coming over when the brochure got his full attention. Ziyu Ai hugged Zhishu from behind, lay his jaw gently on Zhishus shoulder, What are you looking at? Ziyu felt something wasnt right from Zhishus subconscious hiding movement. He then snatched the piece of paper from his hand which was already crumpled. Ziyu Ais face turned bloodless, and then livid, due to extreme rage. He clutched Zhishus chin, forcing Zhishu to fixate on his eyes, Why are you looking at this? Zhishu He was a bit hurt, he struggled and said, Arent you a doctor? His answer didnt make much sense to Ziyus question but they did get each others point at heart. Ziyu Ai let go of Zhishu dispiritedly. Just quit thinking about this nonsense. He said. Zhishu didnt back down this time. He flattened the grave-selling flyer slowly. Cant I pick my resting place where Im gonna spend a long time living? Zhishu He blinked and smiled like a child, I still have about 150,000 yuan in my account card. Ill need your help if thats not enough. Zhishus smile stilled. Emotions were drifting in his eyes as his mind drifted. After I die Just cremate me. I pretty much know why your brother came here a while back. If that asshole Wenxu Jiang still wants me, just give him my ashesNot for free of course. Ask him for whatever he owes including lost-wage compensation, emotional distress claims, medical bills and c. If he refuses to pay you, dont give me back. Spill me, bury me, whatever you like Ziyu Ai was frozen from head to toes. He was used to death but he just realized that he, in fact, wasnt that cool with it. I wont give you back no matter how much he offers. Ziyu made a promise. Zhishu was a bit tired. He curled his body as he lay on the doctors thigh. He probably doesnt even want my ashes, which might bring him bad luck. Not everyone is like you, rich and stupid. Ziyu stroked his hair. Im not stupid He said in a low voice. If anything, he just loved him too much. * It took the transport network of Public Security Bureau 48 hours to confirm a route; during that period of time Wenxu didnt close his eyes for a single moment. He was weakening at a perceivable speed. He now even needed emergency drugs in his pocket all the time. Wenxu Jiang didnt relax at all. He spent a large amount of money getting top specialists here from U.S., even sponsored the most advanced medical equipment to the hospital. His plan was when Zhishu came back, he would seamlessly get the best treatment at once. He was constantly thinking about if he missed anything Zhishu might need. Not until after Zhishu He left him did Wenxu Jiang started to realize what was for fun and what the real necessity in life was. If Zhishu could stay at his side in a good shape, he even would be happy to live the hard life as 10 years ago. Wenxu Jiang had this coming at him. He didnt dare to miss Zhishu too much because his heart could hurt, the physiological pain that would result in suffocation and shock. Wenxu Jiang booked the earliest flight the same afternoon as soon as he got hold of the rough location. Only economy class seats were available, where he couldnt even stretch his legs. Wenxu Jiang didnt want to screw up his body so he took a little nap. By the time he landed in Xiaoshan International Airport, it was over 7 p.m.. The ground was wet because the rain just stopped. The branch office manager came to pick him up in person. Wenxu Jiang didnt push himself too hard because he wanted to save time. If it was a few years back, he would stay up for 72 hours for just one order. Chapter 58 - Rush to Hospital Chapter 58: Rush to Hospital Translator: Claire.KK Wenxu Jiang hadnt been back to this place for many years. Even if there was an important interchange meeting here, he would just send his confidential assistant over. Before, Wenxu never gave what was behind everything he would do a deliberation, but now he suddenly realized that he felt guilty to Zhishu all along. He owed Zhishu He from the start. Granted, being good to Zhishu, standing up for Zhishu were all because of the crush on him, but more often, the selfishness of an adolescent boy that was showy, impatiently vanity-oriented. He would get complacent every time he saw Zhishu blush or being evasive. He got the self-conceit when his confession of love was accepted. Zhishu was always the silly one. He kept every little random endearment of Wenxus in mind and paid him back with his love wholeheartedly as if he owed him a great debt. Zhishu Hes very first sex was on Wenxu Jiangs 18th birthday. In a shabby cheap hotel, they did it on an old bed made of planks where god knows how many people had had their fucks. Both of them lacked in experience; Wenxu Jiang was impulsive and curious; Zhishu He compromised throughout the whole thing. That time, Zhishu was really hurt, so hurt that he couldnt even make a sound. Nor he dared because sound insulation of the room was terrible. Zhishu had been submissive in silence, insecure and conditioned to compromises ever since. Wenxu Jiang didnt pretend to love Zhishu He, not even after more than 10 years, but he had always loved himself a bit more. This was why he randomly picked Zhishu He despite the arduous future lying ahead of him, why he looked for sex out there when Zhishu couldnt meet his desire, why he was so possessive that he kept Zhishu restricted in the house. But now it had come to the stage of life and death. The moment that Wenxu had to face the consequences, he realized that he loved Zhishu slightly more than he thought. Well, more than slightly, he loved him more than himself. If, at this point, anyone offered the recovery of Zhishus health at the cost of Wenxus career or even his life, he would agree without a second of thought. Wenxus love for Zhishu never lessened; on the contrary, it built up little by little. It started with the reckless passion of a young man, then was lost in temptations, and now came to the awakening. For more than a decade, Wenxu had been soaked in Zhishus tenderness that could even melt a stone-heart. Wenxus lips appeared blue. He heavily pressed his chest and took the medicine out of his pocket. The manager sitting on the passenger seat peeked at Wenxu through the rearview mirror. Last time he saw his boss was at a meeting in Beijing headquarter around this years National Day Holiday, when the man was spirited, bossy and confident. But only after less than six months, he looked so dejected as if he took a hard fall from the divine pedestal. The manager kept silent, which was discerning of him, and told the driver to head straight to the hotel. * It was a cloudy day and it rained for a while in the afternoon. The house was suffocatingly cold and humid. Zhishu Hes body was more sensitive than the weather forecast. For the whole day, lassitude and a bad appetite had been holding him down. Anything he ate, he puked them out, which made Ziyu so worried. At the end of the day, Zhishu threw up all the honey water Ziyu fed him with, and the vomit was even mixed with blood. Ziyu Ai was horrified. He immediately got Zhishu in the car, raced to hospital and had him injected ara-C. Zhishu then slumbered at hospital. Ziyu Ai held Zhishu tightly in his arms as he didnt want the thin bed-sheet in the ward to chill him. Ziyu was genuinely frightened. His heart pounded so hard that he couldnt even control the steering wheel and it was something he didnt want to experience again. As a long-serving doctor, he used to hate the hysterical shouts and cries of a patients family. He used to believe that God has his plan, what human could do is try their best. Ziyu Ai now understood that in the most desperate situation, no human behaviors were crazy when the one you cared the most was dying in your arms. If Ziyu Ai wasnt so panic that he lost his soul and his normal voice, he probably would beg one by one for his old fellow leukemia specialists help to save Zhishus life, regardless of how humiliating it might be. Zhishu He looked better when he woke up, but remained pale-faced. Ziyu still kept his position and was absolutely absent-minded, having no idea where his mind wandered. Whats on your mind? Zhishu asked in a weak voice. Ziyu Ai slowly re-focused on Zhishu and smiled, Something important. Zhishu didnt ask more but gently pinched Ziyus side waist, You were in my dream. Really? Yeah. What did you dream of? You were standing in the distance with a sea of flowers behind you Ha, I was a flower seller, wasnt I? You were. You wouldnt ignore me when I requested a free flower from you otherwise. Ziyu abruptly tightened his hug, I will give you whatever you want. Zhishu smiled grudgingly and pushed him away, I said that was a dream. Dont take it so seriously. I do have a request though Lets go home, shall we? Hospital stinks. Ziyu forced a smile. Would you say yes if I kneel in front of you and beg you to have yourself treated? He answered after a long quiet. You just said whatever I want, and here you trade your dignity for my resignation? Zhishu looked into Ziyus eyes, sighed with a smirk, Come on, whats the purpose of this anyway Ziyu didnt say anything; he looked very sad, so sad that Zhishu couldnt even bear to watch. Zhishus lips compressed a little and suddenly raised his head, lay a light kiss on the end of Ziyus lips. I will be yours for my next life, couldnt you at least pretend to be happy? Chapter 59 - This Life, Next Life. Ziyus heart acutely twitched. Perhaps he should be happy. One would only put hopes on the imaginary next life when they were driven into desperation in this life. This life, next life. A promise? That was how promises work: whether you believe it or not, the result will be the same anyway. Why do people have to give themselves a hard time? It was late when they went back home but the Broken Bridge on West Lake was still bustling and noisy. Zhishu looked outside and somewhat mesmerized. Ziyu Ai slowed the car down. Well watch West Lakes night view when you get better. Zhishu retracted his attention from outside the window and shook his head. No. I came out a lot at night when in school. Id seen enough. Ziyu didnt know what to say as he had sensed Zhishu Hes despair. He was drowned in much deeper anguish and grief than him. Ziyu Ai gagged. Light in his eyes flickered as he drove past lamps along the road, and eventually there were only fluids sprouting in his eyes. Your birthday is in half a month, Ive got you a present. After that, its the New Year, and after the New Year, you should be able to see those jasmine blossoms in our garden. In the following several months, koi carps in Lingyin Lake will be at their reddest and prettiest, I heard wishes made during that time are very likely to come true. What the doctor said was imperceptibly incoherent. The words just seemed to pop out of his mouth without thinking. It felt like he was afraid to be soon late for something. Zhishu stopped looking outside the window. He turned his head slightly to Ziyu, still pale-faced but spiritually invigorated. His smiling face and bright eyes remained the same as the adolescent that seemed to have never gone anywhere. Everything else doesnt matter just dont throw a cliffhanger at me though, Zhishu pulled the hem of Ziyus clothes and asked, What is the present? Ziyu shook his head. Dont play this with me, no way youll know it before your birthday He paused briefly, Unless a kiss? Zhishu turned away and humphed. His attitude was nowhere near tough but so soft and girly as if an act of cuteness, which couldnt be more adorable. Ziyu laughed. Good! You didnt take the bait. Now even a kiss wont tip you off. Zhishu He didnt reply. He was exhausted and low blood glucose had kept him dizzy the whole day. He didnt even have the strength to speak when the weariness kicked in. Ziyu covered his coat on him. We left in a rush, I forgot to bring a blanket with us. Hang in there for a moment and try not to sleep, or else youll wake up more tired and might catch a cold. Perhaps it was a habit from his job, Ziyu would act like a nagging mother hen when taking care of someone. Zhishu listened, but the drowsiness still got the better of him. He fell asleep as half of his face was buried in the large coat. Ziyu slowly reclined the car seat, slowed down the car on their way back home. If only they could meet earlier, he wouldnt allow anyone to hurt him, they could keep a big dog, jog along West Lake by night and shiver together, and not give a damn about next life. Ziyu Ai had hardly hated anyone. It seemed to be a waste of effort and energy but he hated Wenxu Jiang to his guts. The man was cold, ungrateful and selfish, did everything despicable to climb from the bottom to the top. What he possessed eventually, however, meant nothing compared with having the beloved one by his side. [Just an interim, Jiang the scum is on his way. There cant be another seme. Forgiveness doesnt exist. Relax.] Chapter 60 - A Hug of Suggestive Invite The winter in the south was humid and cold, which was torturing. The bone-chilling coldness would just seep through no matter how many layers you wore. Zhishu had a sneeze while getting off the car. Ziyu touched Zhishus hands; his fingertips were ice-cold. Lets go inside, Ill turn on the dehumidifier and get you a hot-water bag to warm up your limbs. Ziyu naturally took Zhishus right hand and put it into his pocket. Zhishu leaned close to Ziyu. Has the temperature dropped again these days? When we were in the car, I vaguely heard that the drizzle is going to last for the next few days from the weather forecast. He said in a slightly hoarse voice. Ziyu took the keys out with another hand and said gently, Its just the way winter is here. You have become more vulnerable to the coldness. Zhishu flattened his lips and stopped talking anymore. He changed his shoes, went straight into the bedroom, and turned on the lights. When Ziyu came into the bedroom after getting everything settled out there, Zhishu already finished his shower. He had a loose coral velvet bathrobe on him, cuddling a cushion yawning leisurely. Come on, time to sleep. Its been a tiring day for you. Ziyu leaned over, touched Zhishus forehead with the back of his hand. His body temperature was fine. You ate nothing today. Wanna have something? No. Zhishu shook his head. Ziyu sat next to him on the bed, heated his hands up by rubbing to warm Zhishus hands. His palms were warm and dry. Nothing? Not feeling well anywhere? Something wrong with your stomach? Ziyu put one hand on Zhishus belly after warming his hands up and massaged expertly. Zhishu felt much better but forced himself to stay awake. Something seemed to be on his mind. What? Ziyu noticed something as he was always on the alert. You gotta tell me if you arent feeling well. Rapid blinks of Zhishus semi-closed eyes told the evasiveness in them. Shouldnt you go to sleep now? Ziyu was certain that something wasnt quite right but he didnt have the heart to push for more. He just turned off the lamp and lay in bed next to him. Go to sleep, Ill keep you company. There was only absolute quietness in the dark except the rhythmic sound of light breaths. The two of them neither felt like sleeping nor had a topic to talk about. Ziyu didnt try to hug Zhishu. Outside in the kitchen, crystal sugar was melting on low heat with haws in it, Ziyu didnt want to startle Zhishu in his arms later when he had to get up to turn off the fire. He backed on to Zhishu. It was a sign of nervousness, which was unusual, because they were sleeping together like a normal couple just days ago. In the beginning, Ziyu thought the blurry intimacy was just his misjudgment or he was sexually repressed for too long until someone hugged him from behind, when the doctors mind instantaneously cleared up. Even the dullest man could tell the difference between a simple touch and a suggestive invite by instinct, not to mention Ziyu Ai was a very sensitive man. Zhishus hug was mild and somehow uncertain and disturbingly careful. He was never an open man. If it wasnt in the dark, he wouldnt even have the courage to reach out his arms. Ziyu, on the other hand, was an open man, he had seen the world of seduction during his playboy days but at this very moment, he froze. He longed for it, he fantasied it Yet now, how could he have the heart? Are your hands still cold? Ziyu took his hand and put it by his waist, Ill warm them up again. Zhishu abruptly retracted his hand. Dont you want it? his voice came from the pitch dark sounded icy. Ziyu went blank for a second. No one tried to turn on the lamp. Zhishu sat up in the dark, crouched by the headboard. You said you liked me, didnt you? For an instant, Ziyu felt insulted. So? Ive got nothing else. You wont even see my flesh soon enough, Zhishus voice couldnt help shaking upon finishing as he spoke, which looked like he kept not to cry. What else do you want? Ziyu didnt say a word as he was now at the edge of an emotional outbreak that could be triggered by a single syllable coming out of his mouth. The night was biting cold and he was ruthlessly hurt. I wasnt as good-looking as I used to be But you know, sooner rather than later Zhishu sounded cooled down but cruelly calm, You know I dont like to owe others too much. Ziyus heavy fingers were shivering. He felt light-headed because of oxygen deficiency. But he managed to barely stand up to cover Zhishu with the quilt. Dont overthink things. Get some sleep, I need to check for the pot. His tone was gentle. The moment Ziyu closed the bedroom door, he lost it unexpectedly. The entire living room was smashed even though he knew the sound insulation of one door was practically useless. Zhishu looked aside carefully at the scarce moonlight shining through the gap between curtains, he had yet failed another man, even though it wasnt his intention, even though he wanted him to bear less sentiments at their finale. Anger and hatred were better than deep love. Which was good for others and himself. Zhishu He never meant to fail others as in his family, his parents, his friends and his lover. But at the end of the day, one person he hadnt failed was the one hurt him the most. Throughout his life, the one and the only man he had never failed was Wenxu Jiang. Zhishu He was even a letdown to himself. Chapter 61 - Jiang and Ai Met Zhishu stayed up all night long. He kept staring blankly at the tiny gap through which the light came in between the curtains until dawn. He didnt think himself a good person or deserved to be loved. He wasnt as pretty as he used to be, wasnt as likable as he used to be, wasnt as healthy as he used to be. However, he had been staying in the doctors place like it was his own house, at the same time, hurting his feelings. But he just couldnt respond to the doctor because he didnt have the heart to see him sink deeper. He wished that, when he was gone, he would just be some common guy that the doctor didnt spend too much effort pursuing, that time would cure every wound, that the doctor would eventually be married and get back to a normal life instead of losing a most committed love that would agonize him for the rest of his life. If the doctor touched him, it would be some sort of compensation, a debt Zhishu could pay off. And if he didnt, Zhishu would keep Ziyu Ai in his mind for however much time he had got left. Zhishu He left the bedroom very early. The dawn was only shimmering as it was not even six oclock in the south of the country. The living room had been well tidied up, not a single trace of Ziyus smashing from last night could be spotted. But around the room, there were several vases missing, as well as a full exquisite set of Song Kilned tea ware. But there was a white ceramic bowl that had melted crystal sugar and strawberries in it sitting squarely on the tea table. Ziyu was sitting on the sofa looking at his cellphone, he put the phone down as soon as he saw Zhishu come out. Wake up so early? Why didnt you get more sleep? He said in his daily gentle tone as if nothing happened last night. But Zhishu noticed the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes right away. Sorry Ziyu chuckled, an implication of forbearance and indulgence. Silly He opened his arms to Zhishu and gave him a smile that was meant to please him, How could I get mad at you? You stayed up all night. Zhishu frowned but walked up into the doctors arms anyway. Im gonna get some sleep now. Together? The together was explicit and flirtatious. Zhishu knew that the doctor was making fun of him. Not after he did a little reflection did he realize how bold he was last night, which was so embarrassing that his face turned beet red, from ears to neck. Ziyu stroked his hair, Have some strawberries, you ate nothing yesterday. What the doctor learned in college was what patients can or cannot eat, but now here he became a home cook. Zhishu He went to eat some. The strawberries were quite good, he even took several sips of the soup. Ziyu could tell that Zhishu had a rough night. He knew Zhishu wasnt the type of person that tended to fail others. Heartache overwhelmed him when he calmed down. Looking back, Ziyu Ai felt he probably was too humiliated to stay calm, to be honest, it was not like he had never had those thoughts before. He wasnt blaming Zhishu at all. Wenxu Jiang drove to Longjing Road by himself. Last night, the precise location of Ziqian Ais tea plantation was sent to his cellphone, he was going to go there at once but he then hesitated. He didnt want himself to look repulsive because of his stubble and messy hair; also he didnt want to shock Zhishu He in the middle of the night. He drove around West Lake for several laps last night but dared not to get off for a walk. He didnt even need to be there in person to picture the scenes of the past in his mind, like the bench next to the fifth willow tree at the north of the lake was Zhishus favorite, like he rode his bike around West Lake in circles with Zhishu on the backseat, like his drawing of elephants for him, the kite he made for him, like they took a boat to the middle of the lake and he threatened him that they had to swim back if Zhishu didnt kiss him Wenxu pressed hard on his nasal bridge, he told him that he wasnt allowed to cry. He still had the chance to refurbish the rusty recollections with Zhishu. It only took less than half an hour to drive from Wetland Hotel of West Lake District to Longjing Road. Wenxu didnt really know the roads in the tea plantation areas, so he took another 40 minutes to find the place. Ziqian Ais plantation wasnt big; it was about 3000 square meters. The environment was nice and it had a little lake in it. In front of the three-story villa inside the tea plantation, there was a small parterre of jasmine seedlings protected by white fences. Wenxu got off the car; from outside the wires barring the tea plantation, he saw a large golden retriever chasing something by the lake. Wenxus vision often got blurred lately, so he spent half a minute to recognize those little things. Those were some cats that the dog was playing with. Zhishu Hes cats. He climbed over a low wooden gate to get inside. He kept his lips sealed and tried not to knock the door impatiently. Ziyu Ai just put Zhishu in bed to get more sleep. As he came downstairs after closing the door, he heard someone knocking on the front door. The knocks werent rushed but ceaseless, which was really annoying. He saw a man in his 30s that looked quite smart as he opened the tiny window on the burglarproof door. The man had a handsome manly face, but only his lips looked oddly blue. Perhaps his heart wasnt doing very well. Who do you want? Ziyu Ai asked. As a sophisticated businessman, Wenxu could keep a record of everyone he ever saw, he immediately recognized that it was the man in the CCTV footage. He was so worked up all of sudden that veins were popping on his forehead. Open up. Less chance, of course, for Ziyu to open the door. He wasnt scared but he got Zhishu in the house. Who are you? He asked again. Wenxu humphed. He suddenly banged on the door very hard but his tone was still calm and polite, Family name Jiang, Wenxu Jiang! Ziyu Ai stood still for quite a long time or at least he thought he did. The fact was he didnt even allow Wenxu to make a second bang. He pounced out like a leopard at the fastest speed in his entire life and he didnt forget to shut the door. Fuck you, asshole! Chapter 62 - Let Him See Me. Chapter 62: Let Him See Me. Translator: Claire.KK Wenxu didnt see this coming, he took a hard punch on the face. And before he could react, another fist whooshed at him. Wenxu didnt fight back, and he managed to dodge it in an awkward way. Wenxu Jiang wasnt a pushover, and he was always unyielding since he was little. He never tolerated any humiliation except it was for Zhishu. But today he just didnt want a fight with anyone, since the mess after the fight wouldnt look good. I dont want to fight you, He spit the blood out of his mouth, Im here to take my man home. Ziyu was mad and sneered, Who are you to talk to me like that? Wenxu frowned, Its between us. You, an outsider, tell me that Im in no position to say something like that? There were no curses but what he said sounded harsh, like he naturally thought Ziyu was lower than him, and like he was the one that knew and loved Zhishu the most all along. Ziyu Ai kept silent briefly and held his impulsiveness back. He just stared right at Wenxu with his probing eyes that bore perplexing doubts and pure confusion. Then he said in a quite low voice, How did he fall for you What was good about him apart from his look? Dont question our relationship with your shallow judgment. Give my man back to me. Wenxu said in a cold tone, trying not to show his accumulated guilt and pain. Ziyu Ai, however, burst into sarcastic laughter. Shallow judgment? Mr. Jiang, I assume you know how Zhishu and I met, right? In November, when Beijing had its first snow, he came to the hospital for his medical report, Alone. He seemed to feel very cold despite the thick down jacket he was wearing. I didnt ask him if he had a family because that wasnt the first time that he came to the hospital. Ziyu paused because of a small choke, He was always on his own from the very first time. No family, no friend, no lover. Bone marrow aspiration was so painful yet he kept quiet. Later, he refused the flowers I gave him, but eyes dont lie, I could tell he was very happy. However, he returned the flowers to me the next day. That moment, his eyes were so dim that no sign of hope could be traced. Heart cramps struck Wenxu so hard that he nearly fell. He had no impression of what Zhishu had suffered a few months ago at all. What was he busy with back then? Going on trips, business expansion, staying out all night with his bitch. He did remember the flowers though, but he was the guy that killed Zhishus little joy and hope. I thought that he was alone in Beijing, that he had no one around him. But one time, I saw a kiss mark on his neck and I learned that he had a gay lover, so I started to have thoughts. How could I not? He was the first one I wanted to look after with all my heart the very moment I saw him. Ziyu Ai stayed up all night, now the anger only added to the redness in his bloodshot eyes. He glared at Wenxus eyes, You knew. You knew how much he loved you, why didnt you let him live? He agreed to do chemo but he stopped coming after I sent him home that day. Why did he leave Beijing for no reason? Wenxus lips shivered involuntarily. He struggled to open his mouth but couldnt make any sound. He knew exactly what he did. He suspected that Zhishu and the doctor were having an affair, he freaked out, he hit him, he cursed and fucked him as rudely as a raper would do. He failed to keep Zui Shen in control, which was the last straw to devastate Zhishus heart. I know I was wrong Eyes dimmed, Wenxu hung his head, Honestly, I Ziyus hard punch cut Wenxu Jiang off. Wenxu didnt try to dodge this time. Too late! Huh? Dont you think? Ziyu menacingly grabbed Wenxu by his collar, I give you a chance to right your wrong right now. This is what you need to do. You love him, dont you? Go inside and talk him into taking medical treatment! Would admitting your mistake cure him? No! Ziyu panted heavily, acting opposite to his normal gentleness. Theres something that you cannot fix by simply admitting your fault! Just one apology would offset all the fucks you had out there? Just one apology would make it up to him after all these years indifference and abuse of yours? No! You are only making yourself feel better by deceiving yourself! Wenxu Jiang twitched, he collapsed as Ziyu let go of him. His lips had gone deep purple but he forced himself to stiffen his back. Ridiculously, he was kneeling before Ziyu Ai. Everyone thought he wasnt that in love with Zhishu, whether it was Jingwen Zhang or Aiqian Ai or Ziyu Ai or all of his friends. Were they wrong or he had been living in his own lie? Wenxu lowered his head, shying away from the sun. But in a trance, he seemed to see the boy sitting by the window when they were young, the dainty boy who would frown when he sunk into his thoughts; also the young man who was always waiting for him to come home, the young man with kind and forbearing eyes who had learned to do housewives work over the years. He loved Zhishu He from beginning to present. He loved the lean boy that loved to read Zheng Jian, the young man that always tolerated him back in the days. Zhishu He was the one and only person he had ever truly loved. Let him see me. It was more like a supplication than a request. Ziyu went speechless as he stared at the man kneeling in front of him who was at the same age as him, this tough old weasel, according to Ziqian Ai. He then swiftly turned around, opened the door, got inside the house and locked the door again. As Ziyu entered the house, he felt something different instinctively. He looked up and saw Zhishu got out of the bedroom and stood on the second floor, looking down through the half-covered window for maybe a long time. Chapter 63 - The Fawning Was Pointless. Ziyu Ai stopped breathing for a moment, he couldnt see Zhishus look clearly but only his emaciated figure. He stood straight and slightly aslant, hiding still behind the thick curtains. Ziyu got upstairs, walked quietly to Zhishu. Want more strawberries? He said behind him. Zhishu slowly turned around and looked at Ziyu with a pair of eyes overflowing uncontainable emotions that were so complicated that Ziyu Ai couldnt even read. He shook his head, said nothing, and went straight back to his bedroom. The moment he walked past him, Ziyu suddenly grabbed him by his wrist. Dont go please? Zhishu He stopped and smiled, his eyes were gentle though. You asked me to take a nap and now I cant? Ziyu Ai eased his grip, he lowered his head, pressed his lips, like a kid being forced to do the things he hated. At last, he mumbled, Would you like to meet him I Im okay with it. Ziyu Ai knew that Zhishu He loved Wenxu Jiang; he also knew that Zhishu He had a soft heart, that he might not come back again once the two of them met again. But he still respected his choice. Because he loved him, he didnt want him to live the last bit of his life regretfully and unhappily, and didnt want him to compromise too much. Zhishu, instead, asked him back with surprise, Why would I want to meet him? Zhishu still remembered clearly the day that he decided to leave. He watched Wenxu walking away from upstairs; he just wanted to see his face but that man never looked back. Since Zhishu didnt get what he wanted, now Wenxu Jiang wouldnt either. Indeed, he had a soft heart, but that was before. Something was late, then it was late, nothing could fix it. You couldnt ask a cup of cold water to steam, could you? Zhishu He found out that Wenxu was as cheap as him because they both tended to fawn on others after being given cold shoulder. The fawning was pointless. Zhishu turned around. With a merciless yank, he sealed the thick window shades. So tired, Ill go get some sleep. Oh Just ignore him and dont hit him again. Wenxu Jiang is the cruelest when he means to harm you. Ziyu got tongue-tied. He watched Zhishu slowly walk away, decisively leaving the past behind. He couldnt tell whether he was feeling lucky or disappointed. Ziyu was afraid to see Zhishu leave him but it was Zhishus detachment to the world that really dismayed him. Wenxu Jiang and Ziyu Ai finally had something in common; that was either of them was able to keep Zhishu around. At this point, Zhishu He couldnt care less whether the love was true or fake, whether he was hurt or loved. He was just apathetic. Wenxu was still kneeling outside the door; he just shoveled the medicine into his mouth with his trembling hand. He didnt care if he took too much. Perhaps, more medicine could better relieve the heart pain. His head was messed up. One second ago, he saw a boy handing him a bunch of jasmines, and the next second, he saw the pair of sad, heartbreaking eyes that haunted and tortured him for countless nights. Zhishu Dont leave me Wenxus eyes were slightly wet. Dont go too far, I I cant even keep up In 2003, the night Wenxu took Zhishu back from quarantine area, he held Zhishu tight in his arms, muttering similar words again and again, Dont go too far What if something happens to you, how am I going to live my life Wenxu now realized that without Zhishu, he couldnt live his life anymore. Zhishu He sat on the bed with a head full of the scene of Wenxu Jiang kneeling in front of the door back straight. That was pathetic and funny. Wenxu Jiang had his chances. For three years, Zhishu had nearly knelt to beg Wenxu not to stay out all night for some meaningless stuff and not to turn him into another person for the sake of their past almost in tears. But he disappointed himself. Sometimes, disappointment is more despairing than the end of love. Chapter 64 - Police Came Ziyu Ai called the police, saying Wenxu Jiang was trespassing and attempted to murder. Ziyu Ai had kept the relationship with one of his brothers high school classmates who had become the deputy director of the local police force. Now that Ziyu Ai reached out to him, given to their relationship, of course Wenxu Jiang was at least going to be detained for 24 hours. As sirens wailed, two police cars rushed over, flashing intimidating red and blue light. But Wenxu Jiang totally ignored the incoming shrill sirens. Looking up into the sky, his face oddly tempered. As though he had seen through concrete, Wenxu Jiang spotted his love all at once in spite of the dazzling distractive world. It was a bewildering scene to the policemen. The man looked more like a victim as they stood behind this mans back, watching him kneeling on the ground. Sadness seemed to have weighed the silent man down. One officer went to get him up rather politely. Please, come with us. Wenxu Jiang got up slowly and looked them in cold eyes. Where? He asked. Someone reported that you were trespassing. Please be cooperative. This was apparently a trivial civil dispute that they had seen a lot. Normally, they just needed to follow the routine, then the troublemaker would be in and out real quick, but this time, the superior seemed to take this case so seriously that they were required to bring the handcuffs with them. Wenxu Jiang suddenly took a step back, which indicated that he was afraid. He was afraid that Zhishu would leave right after he was taken away, that he would lose him forever. The policemen thought he was trying to resist or escape, they charged at him and pinned him on the ground. As a man who had been bossy for years, once again, Wenxu Jiang was brought down by weakness and helplessness. Zhishu He! Zhishu He! Wenxu almost screamed his lungs out, You dont want me anymore?! You said you would never leave me! Wenxu Jiang crazily shook the policemen off and banged his body on the dead-shut door and screamed with a touch of sobbing in his tone, Zhishu, it was my bad! I know I screwed up! Just let me see you, would you? I just want to see you Please Dont do this to me! Everyone just looked confusedly at one another without realizing that the man needed to be taken away. How can you abandon me, am I right? Wenxu Jiang collapsed by the door, muttering to himself, In this world The only person that wouldnt leave me is Zhishu He On the second floor, one window in the bedroom was open so Zhishu He could hear Wenxu Jiang loud and clear. He sneered, face covered in tears. The man still remembered that he said he would never leave. But when he called Zhishu Zui Shen, when he was in his arms would there be a moment that he sobered up and reminded himself that he promised never to fail Zhishu He? Zhishu He was always there, waiting. Waiting to be together with Wenxu who wasnt supposed to fail him forever. Ziyu Ai knocked and came in with water and pills in his hands. He heard the noise. He saw the window was open, so he put things down, went to close the window. Its cold. The whole world was shut out. A few minutes later, the same sirens faded away into distance until silence once again froze the room. Are you tired? I know you are having rough nights lately. Take some pills and go to sleep, Ziyu Ai handed the water and pills to Zhishu He, Get a nice sleep. Itll cheer you up. Zhishu He didnt take the pills. You are lying to me. He had gone through the hardest nights by himself; every night was cold and painful. And the next morning, everything was still the same; the other half of the bed was still ice-cold, leaving more and deeper scars on his heart. Ziyu Ai quieted down. He stared at Zhishu He in sorrow and pity. He seemed to have fought himself so hard to lay his fingertip on Zhishus canthus. No more tears, shall we? Zhishu He now realized that the fluids were overflowing. His heart told himself to let go but his traumatized body couldnt forget the pain. It was a conditioned reflex. Chapter 65 - Being Kept in Custody Ziyu Ai tried to hug Zhishu. It was simply a gesture of solace that meant to warm and support him. But the moment Ziyu Ai reached out his arms, Zhishu intuitively and imperceptibly dodged. Ziyu Ais arms awkwardly hung in the air,; he looked down on the ground without making a sound. He could no longer conceal the heavy weariness. No matter how much he cared for Zhishu, he was still a man that he knew for less than six months, so how could he ever compete with the one Zhishu He had known for 15 years? Even though he didnt say anything, he didnt show any signs, the struggling and the sadness in Zhishu Hes eyes couldnt lie. Zhishu Hes love was unswerving all along. The next life was unpredictable but in this life, all he loved was that one person and that person alone. Ziyu Ai had done everything right. He had been as dedicated as Wenxu Jiang used to be, he had kept Zhishu Hes company for the last several months. What he didnt have was the memory Zhishu and Wenxu had created together but it was no matter of sequence. Perhaps God just had his own plan. Sorry, Doctor Ai, Zhishu He sensed the awkwardness in the air, I Ziyu Ai shook his head and forced a smile, Zhishu, lets go to Yangzhou. He didnt explain why but both of them knew the reasonWenxu Jiang had known this place and that man wouldnt be kept in custody forever. Zhishu also shook his head but he wasnt saying no. Doctor Before we leave, can I ask for some help? There still seemed to be a distance between them. Sure, anything you want. Ziyu Ai didnt give another answer, he just held the bitterness down. Wenxu had been in custody for about 6 hours and he answered every question he was asked. When he was left alone, he just watched the willows in the breeze through the half-opened gate, head tilted. He didnt see Zhishu He today and even the thought of the name Zhishu He made him want to cry. He saw his young enemy though, the gentle, polite doctor, the man went berserk when hearing the name Wenxu Jiang. He suddenly realized that everything he had done to Zhishu He was unforgivable evil in the eyes of a man that genuinely cared for Zhishu. But of course, Wenxu Jiang knew. Zhishu He was cut off from his parents, his school, and his friends because he took him away. Wenxu Jiang was supposed to make it up to him with love and guilt, to make him happier than anyone else so that Zhishu He wouldnt regret anything when he reminisced the past. Zhishu He was loved by his grandpa, disciplined by his parents, placed high hopes by his teachers. However, here he ended up in misery. What Wenxu Jiang did was more than evil. After a little thought, he mumbled the word fiendish. He did more than one bad thing to Zhishu He; every one of them was cruel. After Wenxu Jiang went through everything from beginning to end, he admitted that Zhishu He had never enjoyed one happy day with him. Zhishu He never complained about the hard life at the beginning of their relationship. In summers, he had heat strokes while developing business; in winters, his hands suffered frostbites in the freezing winds. Afterwards, Wenxu Jiang kept Zhishu at home and expanded business on his own, he didnt have lovers at the time but that was a suffocating time for Zhishu He. And then, Wenxu Jiang turned into a whole different person. Persons like Zhishu He was soft; he wouldnt make a sound no matter how many damages he was undertaking. No one knew how painful he was unless he couldnt take anymore when he was at his last gasp. Wenxu Jiang gently stroked the plain ring on his third finger. Knowing the fact that he had failed the one he loved the most in his life was so despairing that he couldnt even shed a tear. Chapter 66 - Visiting the Cemetery Zhishu He asked the doctor to take him to the cemetery, Anxian Cemetery in Hangzhou, where his parents were buried. This had always been the pain that hid in the depth of his heart, the pain he didnt want to bring up. The sky was drizzling. The wind blew tiny raindrops on the windows of the car that parked outside the cemetery. Shall I wait for you outside? Ziyu Ai passed Zhishu He his coat and got off the car to grab an umbrella in the trunk. Zhishu He didnt move; he lowered his head, hands covering his face, body quivering. He dared not to visit his parents. Nor did he think he was entitled. He wanted to visit the old house but he didnt in the end. That house was sold to someone else a long time ago and it was refurbished, leaving no trace of the old owners at all. Zhishu He was the one sold the house after his parents died, then he used the money to cover the down payment for their house in Beijing. Zhishu He figured that he and Wenxu Jiang might be the same type of person that said sorry just for show while making amends by telling themselves how guilty they were. The type of person that was selfish and always hurt the ones that loved them. Ziyu Ai opened the door and held the umbrella for Zhishu. Ill go in there with you. Zhishu He was carrying more burdens than anyone could imagine, the doctor felt unsettled to leave him to deal with all the pain by himself so that he couldnt sleep at nights. Zhishu He slowly raised his head; his eyes looked timid and somehow evasive. Ill go? He was asking the doctor, but it was more like he was trying to find himself an excuse to not go. Ziyu Ai tended to resign himself to Zhishu and he would always say something like we can do it next time when you feel better, but this time, he said nothing. He wanted Zhishu to untie the knot in his heart in the last days of his life. Theres something that you need to face up to. Put on your coat, Ill walk you in there. Ziyu said in a gentle tone. Zhishu heavily rubbed his temples and eventually got off the car. Standing at the entrance of the cemetery, he saw the layers and layers of gravestones lining up on the vast grassland in distance; suddenly, he stumbled. Ziyu hurried to steady him with one hand while holding the umbrella with another. Are you okay? Zhishu shook his head. Lets get in. His parents grave wasnt easy to locate so Zhishu He searched for the right one based on his vague memory. One grave after another, the sadness and hopelessness became heavier and heavier. The large black umbrella Ziyu was holding moved back and forth in rain quietly and solemnly. At last, Zhishu stood still before a marble gravestone as if he had an electric shock. His face started to pale; his lips were shivering. It took him a while to recover, then he slowly turned around to push the doctor away and barely made a sound. Give me some space, He asked, Could you? Sure, Ziyu Ai totally understood it, Here, take the umbrella. Zhishu He put on a sad smile and shook his head, I dont even deserve an umbrella here. Step by step, he walked into the rain and got close to the death manifestation of his parents. Only two steps away from that gravestone, Zhishu He abruptly knelt down on the cold wet cement floor as if he was hit by something heavy. He didnt get up and looked down for a while, then kowtowed intensely all of a sudden. Dad, Mom It was my fault Zhishu He was biting his under-lip so hard that it bled and his apologies were squeezed out along with the blood, Sorry Sorry Sorry Zhishu was unable to cry because he had cried so much for Wenxu Jiang that he had run out of tears. His red eyes seemed like bleeding, he could neither hold back nor let go of the guilt in them. No matter how big fights he and Wenxu Jiang would have, Zhishu He never mentioned his parents death to show how pitiful he was. He didnt mention it because he didnt blame Wenxu Jiang. The only person that should take the blame was himself. Countless nights, countless awakenings. All he could see was a roomful of pitch black while gnashing the back of his own hand. Zhishu He never let someone else share the burden on his conscience, he blamed himself all along. Every time he was hurt or felt tired out, the pain doubled, but he knew clearly that he wouldnt have another home that was always there waiting for him. Mom Sorry I always made you worry. I know how disappointed you were You must have wondered how come a kid that was so good when he was little abandoned you for a man Zhishu He sounded choked but there were no tears in his eyes. Looking carefully, there was only blood. I Ive been missing the sweet dumplings you made for 15 years Coucould you make those sweet dumplings for me one more time when you arent mad at me anymore, mom? Mom! Dont ignore me If you are still in a sulk, just hit me Zhishu He suddenly stopped talking; his eyes looked less cloudy. He smiled in bitterness, Dad, moms ignoring me. The man and woman in the black-and-white photo were smiling mildly. They seemed to have passed their grace and gentleness on to their son, but now, all theyve got was this grave. It was a cruel fact that you just dont get the lost ones back, whether you can accept it or not. Dad, it must have been hard for you to take care of mom in the last decade Shes a timid and dainty woman; she must be scared of the darkness six feet under Dad, you gotta bear with her. Soon Soon Ill be protecting the both of you Zhishu He said quietly, I wont upset you again Honestly, I wont keep you waiting so long again Ziyu Ais fingernail pierced his palm as he saw Zhishu He kneeling in rain yet he dared not to interfere. But he had a strong feeling that Zhishu He couldnt go on like this. He didnt quite know how his parents died but he knew any normal human being couldnt bear the torture of being separated from family, not to mention that Zhishu He was a patient in a fraught mental state. Ziyu Ai walked up to him and sheltered Zhishu with the umbrella. Zhishu, lets go home, Still, he said, Well visit them again when you get better. Surprisingly, Zhishu didnt insist on staying. With Ziyus help, he struggled to get up and started to walk slowly. Only after three steps, Zhishu looked back at the photo and there he smiled like a kid purely and innocently. Dad, mom, wait for me. He said to himself. Zhishu Hes smile, however, jerked Ziyu Ais heart. Your clothes are all wet. Are you cold? He said sadly and helplessly. Zhishu He stayed silent all the way back to the car. Ziyu turned up the heat and wiped gently Zhishus face and hair with a dry towel without knowing what to say. Zhishu looked up at Ziyu for quite a while, and then said with a warm smile, I feel so relieved, just like getting rid of the stone weighing me down. I feel so light right now Before he finished his sentence, he closed his eyes and fell into sleep. That just shocked Ziyu. Zhishus face was ice-cold, but near his neck, his body temperature was terrifyingly hot. Chapter 67 - His Dignity Collapsed After So Long Chapter 67: His Dignity Collapsed After So Long Translator: Claire.KK Ziyu had sat in hospital overnight and Zhishu He was still in sleep. During his sleep, it seemed the doctor was about to make some sort of conclusive declaration through his prevarication. Ziyu Ai didnt listen. Sorry, I am also a doctor. Both of them knew what he meant. He didnt need the truth, all he wanted to hear was good news. He wasnt deceiving himself; he simply wanted to ease his pain. Ziyu Ai entered the ward to check Zhishu up a few times but he didnt dare to touch him. Nor he sentimentally poured his feelings out. He just wanted to look at this mans face, wondering why he was so pale and how much pain a mans heart could take. Is this world so cruel that it must torture this fine man for fun? 5 a.m., Ziyu Ai was in light sleep alone on the hospital hallway bench. His cellphones constant buzzes suddenly woke him up. It was a strange number. Hello, who is it? His voice was hoarse. Its me, Wenxu Jiang, There came a deep and sedate voice with a touch of unusual humbleness, Please dont hang up. Ziyu Ai sneered, Out already? President Jiang. Wenxu Jiang coughed before he caught his breath. Im calling to beg you. His voice sounded weak. This was the word Wenxu Jiang rarely said throughout his life. He was a proud man, he grew up with that arrogance. Even when toasting important figures on tables at his humblest moment, he still kept up his appearances. He said the word though, to Zhishu, like a compromise that meant to spoil him, not forced at not. An unyielding mans begging is even more surprising. You give him back to me, you can have whatever you want. Your brother has been craving for Tianqi Market for a long time, I can give up my shares if theres too much trouble, He paused and coughed again, I have got the best expert and equipment in Beijing ready for him, better than what hes got in Hangzhou anyway Do you think I need your money? Ziyu Ai interrupted him rudely, eyes all red, Do you think I cant give him the best medical resources? When you were sick of him, you didnt give a fuck about him, leaving him to perish by himself. Now you suddenly want him back again? Do you think you are the center of the world? Ziyu Ai chuckled. After the long silence on the other side of the phone, a surprisingly aged sorrowful voice came to his ear, I love him, I cant live without him Maintaining his dignity in the conversation with his lover rival didnt matter anymore to Wenxu Jiang, I know I screwed up. Looking at the cold, snow-white wall in the hospital suffused the strong smell of disinfectant, Ziyu Ai felt more and more despair. You screwed up. You are now making amends. Youve figured out your true love. And then what? Will he go with you or will he get better? Do you honestly think you are a big-timer of Beijing? If you were earnest and telling me that you had found the marrows that match Zhishus, I would immediately drive 14 hours to send him to Beijing. But you cant. Ziyu suddenly lowered his voice and started to choke. You cant And I cant either, He said, I traded my dignity for the marrows, but Zhiqi Lis son took them away effortlessly because he is the son of the mayor. Id rather you were more powerful so that you could also rob some marrows! Wenxu Jiang didnt even realize Ziyu hung up the phone. For a moment, he thought he was a fish, the fish tank crashed so there he waited to be dried. His brain was so in need of oxygen that it was now in chaos. He didnt have a clue. He always remembered that day he came home in a weirdly good mood, which was the same day he hit Zhishu the hardest. More flashbacks, what was he fucking happy about that day? Right, the mayors sons lover had the chance to survive, the mayors son helped him nail the bids. That was it. This kind of coincidence is funny and pathetic at the same time. Wenxu Jiang collapsed on the sofa as if all of his strength was drained up; his chest went up and down hard. The cramps surged yet Wenxu didnt reach to his pills. He let himself tremble in agony, let his eyes blur. He was always happy about the wrong things, enthusiastic about the wrong things, and gave the wrong things cold shoulder. Ziyu Ai hung up. He felt waves and waves of headaches. He had kept up for two days, Wenxu Jiangs call just made him more tired. He didnt just rip off Wenxu Jiangs scab, he deepened the cut on his own heart. He took a look at his watch, it was half past five. He decided to make the call now in case of the inconvenience when Zhishus awake. What? A fuzzy and light snort. Ziyu Ai had interrupted a heavy sleep. Brother, its me Ziyu Ai thought hed better give his brother a call since Wenxu Jiang would surely contact his brother after getting a refusal from him. Yu? Ziqian Ai kept a low voice. It loudened more than ten seconds later; probably he was out of his bedroom, I got two phone calls in such an early morning. Your in-law is a light sleeper. She was disturbed twice. Sorry, brother I just want you to do me this favor. If Wenxu Jiang calls you Oh, yeah, my wifes pregnant. Ziqian Ai cut him off, We went to the hospital two days ago. A boy and a girl. Dad and mom are super happy so they are so easy on me now. They stop pushing me to make money for you to have a baby. Ziyu Ai immediately understood what he meant. He felt warm inside. Brother, thanks He reckoned his brother had got Wenxu Jiangs call before he called him but he kept his mouth shut about that part. Yu, just be good. Our familys got me. I have quite a few regrets, I just wish you to be happy, Ziqian Ai said to him gently, Just remember, Im always there for you. You are always the most important person to me. Ziyu Ai hung up the phone and rubbed his bloodshot eyes hard. The call was heartwarming. He thought, Good, finally I could be at ease. Zhishu and I could probably enjoy a rather long peaceful time. Chapter 68 - Leaving Hospital Chapter 68: Leaving Hospital Translator: Claire.KK It was just bright when Zhishu He woke up. Ziyu Ai sat next to him, looking very exhausted but as soon as he saw him wake up, he became cheerful. You wake up? Ziyu Ai stood up, felt Zhushus forehead, Still hot. I know you feel bad. A doctor just came over for his infusion. Ziyu Ai thought it was too cold so he insisted on having it warmed. The doctor hadnt come back yet. Zhishu He opened up his mouth as he looked at him, but grunted. He frowned and tried hard to wrinkle his fingers. Ziyu Ai hurried to hold his hand. Dont worry, He could tell Zhishu had something to say to him so he bent over, Im listening. Zhishu He smiled, his hoarse voice was so light that could hardly be heard but explicitly conveyed the joy. I dreamed of my parents I havent seen them in ages, I thought Ahem, I thought they didnt want me anymore Ziyu Ai looked straight into his eyes, his brown pupils filled with care and love. You are such a sweet son to them, they wouldnt. Zhishu He smiled again. He hadnt smiled so frequently in many years. He did smile a lot when he was still a carefree student in school. Ziyu stroked his hair. Come on, when shall we go to Yangzhou? Zhishus sunshiny smile somehow tried to be endearing. It was so heartening that the ward didnt felt cold and depressing anymore. I thought I was going to beg you for quite long. Not many people spoil you like I do, right? Ziyu Ai kissed his cheek, trying to conceal his despair with his tease. He knew how severe Zhishus condition was. He was terrified himself. There were only two options: one, to watch him suffer in the sterile ward for the rest of his days; two, to have him carry on living at his side happily. Ziyu chose option two. He did have many things to say to him. He wanted to tell him how luxuriant and fragrant April jasmines would be but it was now winter. But four months later, they would be available. Ziyu Ai had also been waiting for Zhishus birthday, which was less than a month. He had designed a ring. It was like a weighted twig with tiny diamonds at the tip of it. But looking at Zhishus face, he kept sniffling instead of saying a word. How come one person could be so in love with another person who is the only one that glows among thousands of souls? If someone you dont care dies next to you, you at most give a couple of more sighs. But when someone you truly love is in sickbed with teary poor eyes, you feel so painful inside. Ziyu Ai didnt understand. This man was the only one he ever loved despite he would cost the rest of his life. How about we leave today? We gotta go home and get the dog and cats though. Zhishu had a cold. Every sentence he said, he coughed. Ziyu Ai pinched his finger, said in a mild tone, Wait until you finish the rest two bottles of infusions. We spent money on that. Zhishu He didnt want to stay in the hospital but didnt want to throw cold water on his kindness. Next second, a slender finger poked lightly his cheek. Zhishu He froze, he heard Ziyus helpless voice saying, No dimples whether you smile or twitch your mouth. His face emaciated so fast, and the dimples were gone long time ago. I dont want them anyway. Why does a man need dimples? I dont want to be sweet. He smiled. Ziyu Ai didnt reply because the doctor just came in to change his infusion bottle. Thank you. Ziyu Ai looked at the warmed bottle, impressed by his sincerity. He was also a doctor, so he knew how busy this line of work was. If it wasnt for Zhishu He, he would not want to trouble any medical workers. Its fine. We are both doctors. The doctor smiled and walked away. As he left, he looked sympathetically at Zhishu He and before he walked out of the door, his eyes were fixated on Ziyu Ai. Ziyu felt the cold touch of the eyes was so difficult to be ignored. Afternoon, Ziyu took Zhishu out of the hospital. He bought him a cup of soybean milk outside the building. You had nothing yesterday. Empty stomach courts more discomfort. Street food wasnt the best, in Ziyu Ais mind, he was picturing the fully equipped apartment in Yangzhou where he could make fresh soybean milk for Zhishu. Since he was with Zhishu, Ziyu had more and more snacks in his car, mostly Chinese dates or Ejiao (donkey-hide gelatin) or whatnot. Zhishu teased him, If someone else is in your car, they may think of you a super girlfriend-carer. Ziyu Ai laughed, Dont I care you enough? His last syllables still sounded cheeky. Zhishu He wasnt feeling well and he knew he wouldnt win the debate so he just sat there coughing instead of giving a response. Suddenly, he had intense coughs that even shocked himself. He turned back to get a tissue at the backseat and spit blood on it. Ziyu Ais face turned undecipherable. Oral hemorrhage, Zhishu He wadded up the tissue and stuffed it into his pocket, Its fine. I would puke blood covering the floor before. But here I am, still alive and well. Silly, are you well? Yeah, whatever you say is right, Ziyu Ais cheerful tone indulged Zhishu but he couldnt even bear to look at him, Ill cook you some livers to enrich your blood then. Human memory is powerful. Reflexes came in at the wrong time. Reminiscence caught Zhishu He totally off guard. There once was a man walking out with a long face after their fight. When he came back, he had cooked livers in his hand, which he said were the replenishment of blood for Zhishus nosebleed. Memory and reflexes overpower love. Chapter 69 - A Message From Jiang Chapter 69: A Message From Jiang Translator: Claire.KK When you really loved someone, you wouldnt care whether it ended up with resentment or despair. When you were in a particular scene, when your memories were recalled, all you could think of is the delicious meals he had cooked for you, the snow you had watched together with him hand in hand, and the grand bouquet of babys breath that he had handed to you with a smile. It was not his cold words or his violence that you would call to mind. It was not about whether you were over him. It was not about mindless love or pleading for love. It was always the instinct of all living creatures to seek benefit and avoid harm. Zhishu He got quiet suddenly as he usually did. Ziyu Ai Stopped chatting too, and just drove quietly. At this moment, a sound came from his phone indicating a text message was received. The phone was right by his hand. Ziyu Ai opened the mailbox while driving. After one glance of the message, Ziyu Ai got serious. He glanced at Zhishu He discreetly who was looking out of the window in fascination. It was a text message from Wenxu Jiang. Im in Beijing now. I wont be back until I find matching bone marrow. He is unwell. Stop taking him go places just to avoid me. Please take care of him. Ziyu Ai deleted the message and threw the phone into the back seat. He was very upset; all kinds of emotions were stirred up. He hated Wenxu Jiangs tone in the text message. It was like that Wenxu Jiang was biting the bullet, and Ziyu Ai himself was the one tearing the loving couple apart. Ziyu Ai thought it was funny. Had he no shame to ask me to take care of Zhishu He? But Ziyu Ai knew Wenxu Jiang well. If he said he will not go back, then he wont. If there was a choice, Ziyu Ai was reluctant to drag Zhishu He on the road to Yangzhou. The car stopped at the tea garden. Ziyu Ai opened the car door and reached his arms out to carry Zhishu He, Hurry up. Before the dog comes and pounces upon you. As he carried Zhishu He in his arms, he felt Zhishu got thinner than before at the hospital. His shoulder blades and collarbones stuck out, skinny and even scary. The bruises from his neck to his armpits extended to his back and almost jointed together. It was windy and cold. Zhishu He was coughing weakly in Ais arms. Are you cold? Ziyu Ai stood at the door while Zhishu He was unlocking the door with his fingerprint. Zhishu He answered him with a low voice, I dont mind the cold. I just cant bear the damp. Ziyu Ai carried him to the couch and squatted to change him into cotton-padded slippers. You stay here and watch some TV. Ill go find the dehumidifier and the fan heater. Zhishu He nodded his head obediently. When he looked down, he looked into the pair of brown eyes which were soft and tender like enchanted. Zhishu He stroked Ziyu Ais hair gently, likepetting a big dog. Ziyu Ai was stunned a little; then he held Hes hand and stood up slowly, kissing He on his cheeks, Well, Youve learned to seduce me? Zhishu He blushed. He looked away awkwardly, At mostit is like seducing a dog. Then Ill bite you! Ziyu Ais growling made Zhishu He laugh. Quick, go find the machines. Zhishu He frowned a little bit, which totally seized Ais heart, I cant bear the damp. Ziyu Ai went to find them obediently and found them soon after. He brought them to the living room, laid them around Zhishu He at an appropriate distance. You just rest here. Ill go fix you some food. Zhishu He was holding a cushion in his arms, looking up at him, We dont go to Yangzhou anymore? Of course not. Who would look after the jasmines in your garden if we go? Ziyu Ai turned around and went to the kitchen, leaving his voice behind his back, You dont have to worry about anything but yourself. Im here for you. Chapter 70 - Before Jiang Left... The better Ziyu Ai treated him, the harder for Zhishu He to accept him. On one hand, Zhishu He didnt want to hold him back. On the other hand, more importantly, Ziyu Ai was too much like Wenxu Jiang in his previous days. The tender way he looked at him with a smile and doting eyes; the great commitment and deep loving he had been showing discreetly towards him. It was all so shockingly familiar. Zhishu He remembered the time when the college entrance examination was around the corner, his mother learned about the affairs between him and Wenxu Jiang. His mother, the gentlest woman usually, picked up a broom to lash him. Wenxu Jiang pulled him into his arms and shielded him with his body completely. He said, It is all my fault. Please dont punish him. He didnt flinch. He shielded him from his mothers greatest pain and anger. And then he leaned towards Zhishu He, and said the words Zhishu could never forget, Dont be afraid. Im here. So Zhishu He could only have the strength to never forgive Wenxu Jiang. But he could never be able to forsake all the memories and deep love they had had. It was so unfair to Ziyu Ai. * Wenxu Jiang went to Anxian Cemetery the day before he left. For half an hour, he kneeled before Zhishu Hes parents graves, and burned paper money for them. He flattened every piece of the paper money and threw them into the fire. His fingers were quivering uncontrollably. It seemed like Wenxu Jiang had gotten 10 years older in an instant. The emaciation of his cheeks and his tired eyes showed no sign of the former untamed wildness. His face was a little darkened by the roasting fire. His voice was low as if he was afraid to disturb their spirits underground, I He paused a little bit to constrain his crying, If I knew it would come to this, I would never have come near Zhishu He from the start Getting away from him and watching him to get a better life. He would be admitted to a great medical school and get a girlfriend. He would become a doctor after graduation. Even though Zhishu He might not be happy, but at least, Wenxu Jiang would not be the cause of his unhappiness. Wenxu Jiang knew that he didnt deserve Zhishu He. He was selfish. After being flattered for such a long time, he thought he deserved all the flashy new things he wanted. So he went wild, and became a playboy who didnt remember home. But to think of it now, if he didnt have Zhishu He by his side from the beginning to the end, he was nobody, nothing. When he reached out and grabbed nothing he realized he had burned out all the paper money he got. He pulled himself back to reality and kowtowed to their graves, I know you must miss Zhishu. But please dont take him away this early Wenxu Jiang didnt want that for Zhishu Hes short life. Zhishus life was hard when he was loved, while his life got better, there was no one to love him. He knew he could never compensate all the things Zhishu He had lost, but he would do whatever he can. And for the rest, he would make it up to him in the next life. It is 1200 kilometers from Hangzhou to Beijing. And in every inch of it, Im missing you, Zhishu. Wenxu Jiang looked down through the porthole of the plane, where he could see nothing but clouds. The loneliness hit him at this instant. He used to think that he was powerful and fearless. It was only because he had Zhishu He by his side. Wenxu Jiang was great at pretending. He pretended he was fierce and strong. But in fact, he matured too late. Zhishu He had always been indulging him, tolerating him. From the moment they got together till the end he decided to leave him, Zhishu He Had never embarrassed him at all. Zhishu He was always tender and soft. Even after all the lonely nights, all the suffering Jiang put him through, and all the pain caused by his disease, he only looked at him dearly and hugged him tightly when he was leaving. But still Jiang let him go first. If every time you were about to lose someone, you could just hold them tighter, how much less regrets you would have in your life. It was 7:30 when Wenxu Jiang arrived in Beijing. Just getting out of the plane, he felt the biting coldness of the northern winter. The cold wind at night could pierce your bones. His assistant Song came to pick him up, and brought him a warm coat. Where is Jingwen now? On his honeymoon? Wenxu Jiang put on the coat and asked. His assistant thought for a moment and recalled the vague impression, Mr. Zhang is still in Beijing. His brides grandfather is dying. Wenxu Jiang looked at his watch and said, Go wait for me in the car. I want to give Jingwen a call. His assistant answered and took away his luggage. Wenxu Jiang leaned on the wall diagonally; he was too tired to stand straight. He rested for half a minute, then he took out his phone and called Jingwen. Wenxu? Jingwen Zhang picked up quickly and asked, Where are you? Wenxu Jiang lowered his head and pinched his nose, Im back in Beijing. Then Dont ask. Wenxu Jiang interrupted Jingwen Zhang because he didnt want to bring up the pain. Do me a favor, please. Chapter 71 - In the Cost of Zhishu’s Life Chapter 71: In the Cost of Zhishus Life Translator: Claire.KK Wenxu Jiangs voice came from the other side of the phone with a touch of nonchalance, Do you know about Zhiqi Lis son? Zekun Li? Jingwen Zhang sounded solemn, Why do you wanna know about him? Even combining all of us, we can do nothing about him. His dad is a ministry director. The boy is kind of a mystery. He had leukemia too. He had the bone marrow that matched his but that was the one Ziyu Ai got for Zhishu. Wenxu loosened his collar agitatedly, pushed the door and walked outside in big steps. Assistant Song got off the car and opened the car door for him in a hurry. Wenxu Jiang grabbed a pack of Zhonghua cigarettes from the backseat, took one out and ignited it. Ill find him tomorrow, He gave Assistant Song a gesture, Go back that apartment beside fourth ring-road. Wenxu, Jingwen Zhang lowered his voice, quite imperceptibly, Whatever it will end, youd better kill that thought; they wont be very sensible. Something you might not know but word spread among us, Li really loves his son. And hes in that position, threat or bribery just doesnt work. Youd best keep your mouth shut. Wenxu Jiangs cigarette burnt out but he didnt realize until he felt the heat of fire searing his finger. Ashes scattered on him. Jingwen, you dont worry about it Wenxu Jiang lowered the window, You know more people at the hospital than I do. Just go look into Zhishus medical records; by the way, ask around if theres any marrow that matches his available. Jingwen Zhang sighed quietly, Wenxu, I know and Ive always kept an eye on this. But you should understand I took some of those pills in the study and had them checked; those are specific medications for terminal patients. He paused with ineffable heartache, Its been too long Bone marrow cannot help. Wenxu Jiang didnt reply. Did you find Zhishu? Jingwen changed the subject. Wenxu Jiang confirmed lifelessly and forced a bitter smile, He refused to see me. Im in Beijing right now. Jingwen Zhang didnt know what to say; his heart felt for him. He had pretty much witnessed what Zhishu had been through. If Wenxu Jiang didnt care about the man, then the whole thing would be harmless. But he had never let go. Even Jingwen felt bad for Zhishu, not to mention Wenxu Jiang. Alright, enough of me. Wenxu Jiang closed up the window, watching the city light flash the compartment. He breathed out lightly, Hows your old man been doing? Yurous been taking care of him at the hospital. Hes old, but no major diseases, just constant small problems, Jingwen Zhang said, Look at me, Im all alone at home, like an empty nester. Wenxu Jiang chuckled, Alright, thats it, Im nearly home. Their chat didnt go too far as Jingwen now had a family. Wenxu Jiang thought hed better trouble him less. President Jiang, that land at west end was approved. Will you come to the office tomorrow? Assistant Song didnt dare to make a sound until his boss hung up the phone. West end? Wenxu Jiang wasnt in a clear state of mind; he could hardly open his eyes. The bidding a month ago, you know, Mr. Li and his people nailed it for us. Wenxu Jiangs eyes were suddenly wide open; his fingers started to tremble involuntarily. Give it to Ziqian Ai. He always wants it, doesnt he? President Jiang Stop. Im gonna pay the Ais back with that land. And the cost of this business was ironically Zhishu Hes life. Wenxu Jiang wasnt any part of Zekun Lis bone marrow robbery but he insisted that he was the real culprit. A miserable and abominable man. Chapter 72 - A Stranger Opened the Door That land is going to be built into commercial residential areas. Inside information says that the subway soon will be built there, and the price of the land will double soon after that. The board will not be happy for you to sell the land now. Assistant Song was being mild. People will die for money. This was no longer an issue about whether the board would be happy or not. If Wenxu Jiang insisted on selling the land, the board would eat him alive. This is not the only project we are doing. Find some other stuff for them to worry about. Besides, the previous investment in the land was too much, all that money being tied up in the investment is going to interfere with other projects. Wenxu Jiang rubbed his sore temples. But Thats enough. Wenxu Jiang waved his hand. Im stressed enough already. I will deal with them when I come to work in a couple of days. Im gonna take a nap now. Wake me up when we are home. Assistant Song shut up and drove discreetly. About 40 minutes later, assistant Song parked the car. Wenxu Jiang was asleep. He hadnt had much rest these days. Mr. Jiang? Wenxu Jiang slept lightly. He was awake when the car stopped, but he was too tired to open his eyes. Yep. Dont go to work tomorrow. Wait for my call to pick me up here. Wenxu Jiang opened his eyes, closed up his collars and got out of the car. If anyone asks, say I havent been back yet. Wenxu Jiang went into his building, swiped his card on the elevator. When he was out and busy, the loneliness was not so noticeable. But when he was home, alone by himself, the suffocating silence could drive him crazy. He opened the door with his thumb print and went in numbly. He turned on all the lights one by one, fell on the couch and dragged out a book under a cushion. It was a book written by an author named Zheng Jian. There were words written by himself on the title page. After Zhishu He left, Wenxu Jiang ferreted out this book from his study. Whenever he missed Zhishu He terribly, he would read the book carefully. This was his new routine now. Lately, Wenxu Jiang had always been thinking about things from the past inadvertently, some things that were trivial and insignificant to others. Sometimes it was not even a thing, it was kind of a particular scene. The way Zhishu He smiled with his little dimples; the way Zhishu He slept in his arms after tender love making; the way Zhishu He tilted his head and frowned when he was troubled. But the cruel thing is, Wenxu Jiang deliberately remembered all the good memories and scenes, he couldnt even think about how much he had hurt Zhishu He in later life. Most often, he couldnt control his thoughts. Each night he woke up in nightmare, he always saw Zhishu He curled up outside the door crying with blood running out of his eyes. Sometimes he dreamt of Zui Shen pushing Zhishu He off the cliff, and he was just standing there watching. For a period of time, Wenxu Jiangs pillow was wet every night. He shed so many tears when he was asleep, so he told himself never to cry during the day. He couldnt fall apart. If he did, what would happen to Zhishu He? Wenxu Jiang swallowed two sleeping pills with cold water. He must get some sleep tonight. There will be a lot to do tomorrow. Wenxu Jiang didnt know what time he fell asleep. When he was awakened by the ringing of his phone, he was still on the couch. Mr. Jiang. Do you have plans today? Now is 8 oclock. Its his assistant Song who was on the phone. Wenxu Jiang sat up straight, looked at the book beside him. The cover of the book was folded up, probably because he slept on it last night. It was only a small and light crease. In an instant, Wenxu Jiangs heart ached like it was palpitating. Mr. Jiang? Wenxu Jiang put the book on the tea table gently and caressed the crease on the book cover, Come now. Wait for me downstairs. He ended the call and looked through the contacts on his phone. There was this phone number that really took him some trouble to find. He asked someone to introduce him and got Zekun Lis personal phone number in some night club. Hello? A sluggish voice of a man, sounded like the man didnt care about anything. Mr. Li. Its me, Wenxu Jiang. Mr. Jiang? Seemed like it took Zekun Li a second to remember Wenxu Jiang, What are you calling for this early? Zekun Li was young, Maybe 23 or 24 years old. Wenxu Jiang forgot that 8 or 9 oclock was considered early for young people. Sorry to bother you. Thank you so much for all your help, I got the land of the western side. If you have some spare time today, I want to thank you in person formerly. Wenxu Jiang humbled himself. Zekun Li was like a young royalty. His father Zhiqi Li was almost 40 when he had him. Zekun Li was spoiled terribly by the relatives on his mothers side too. No need for that. A piece of cake. Zekun Li seemed not interested, Im not in the mood for going out lately. I just want to talk to you. Some time ago, I heard that someone in your family is not well? A friend of mine is dealing Cubilose in Malaysia. The Cubilose he sent me is big and clean, very nourishing. Zekun Li became interested, he thought for a second and said, Okay, I happen to be free today. I will text you the address, come to my home, please. After this phone call, Wenxu Jiang immediately dialed another number. Chen? Go to the finance department and get me a million Yuan in cash. Dont ask any question. I will send assistant Song to pick it up. Remember to load them in a little suitcase. After setting this up, he received a message. Looking at the address of a mansion in West Mountain, Wenxu Jiang sipped his lips a little. He washed up and took some pills before getting downstairs. Assistant Song was already waiting for him. Wenxu Jiang coughed for a while before catching his breath, Go to work first. You go pick up the money from Chen. Then he showed the text message to Song, Go to this address after. After a detour from work, it was almost 12 oclock when they arrived at the mansion area in West Mountain. Wenxu Jiang hadnt eat anything from last night, his stomach was burning. He rubbed his stomach for a bit. He looked so pale. Mr. Jiang, are you alright? Looking at him, assistant Song was a little worried. Wenxu Jiang almost never show his illness outside home. Now he had to be in serious pain. Im alright. You stay close. I will call you to pick me up when Im done. Wenxu Jiang picked up the little silver suitcase and got out of the car. The address was easy to find. Wenxu Jiang knocked on the door and someone answered quickly. But he was stunned for a little. It was a stranger, a boy who opened the door. The boy was so beautiful, even in the gay circle, it was hard to find someone this pretty. But he looked very young, 18 or 19 at most. Are you looking for Zekun Li? The boy smiled at him politely. But the boy looked so pale like he had lost a lot of blood. Wenxu Jiang went in the house. He sensed this would be a trickier situation than he thought. There were not many people who dared to call Zekun Li by his full name. Chapter 73 - Negotiation With Mayor’s Son You dont have to take off your shoes, just come in. Zekun Li is going to mop the floor just in a moment. The boy spoke with a little slur, a very thick Beijing accent, sounded concise and exuberant. He didnt sound ill if you didnt look at his pale face. Wenxu Jiang thanked him. But Wenxu Jiang didnt see the man he came here to see, so he asked: Is Mr. Li busy? Ill check him on. Hes probably watching the soup in the kitchen. The boy was gone for a minute, then Zekun Li came out with a cup of tea in his hand. Mr. Li. Wenxu Jiang reached out to shake hands with Li. Zekun Li ignored his hand and handed him the cup of tea. Please sit and have some hot tea. Xia just made it for you. Maybe because he was home, Zekun Li didnt seem that difficult to get along with. Zekun Li was still too young to show a lot decisiveness rather than capriciousness. They sat on the couch together. The TV was on, playing Tom and Jerry. The sound from the show was very loud. Zekun Li was a little embarrassed. He picked up the remote and pressed pause. Xia loves it. He must have watched it for a dozen times. It made me have goosebumps whenever I hear the sound of the lion roaring at the beginning of the show. Wenxu Jiang laughed a little: Young boys are all like that. But it is rare to love old cartoons more than video games. For a moment there was a very gentle look and a hint of smile in Zekun Lis eyes: Its not that he doesnt like video games, but hes just so dumb. No matter how hard I teach him, he could not learn. Watching him play link games or Tetris will upset me. Id rather let him watch Tom and jerry. Wenxu Jiang smiled in agreement. But his heart was sinking. You came to me just to thank me? Zekun Li remembered the business between them. He was going to make lunch after Wenxu Jiang left. Wenxu Jiang didnt give a straight answer and talked about something else: The boy you are keeping, is he getting better? He hasnt had the bone marrow transplant surgery yet, has he? He felt a little fortunate when he saw Xia Cheng earlier. It meant he hadnt used the bone marrow yet. Zekun Lis face went a little dim. He hated the using of the word keep when someone talked about him and Xia. The sound of the word could make his stomach turn. He is unwell for the last couple of days. He is taking medication to maintain his health. The surgery is in next week. Zekun Li lost his interest to talk to Wenxu Jiang, Its noon already. I wont keep you for lunch. Wenxu Jiang was feeling out the situation. Zekun Lis blunt impatience did not iritate him: Now that I have come here, I must make things clear. Did you know I have a loved one whos been with me for 15 years? Wenxu Jiang was looking down on the tea leaves floating up and down in the teacup. Zekun Li would never respect people who made him lose his patience. He crossed his long legs and sneered: UmI remember vaguely. I think I have seen him with you one time. He looked not bad. That little thing has already been with you for 15 years? He maintained himself well to look that young. Wenxu Jiangs face changed for a while. He knew the person Zekun Li was talking about is Zui Shen. Zekun Li saw his embarrassment and sneered more: Im wrong? Its not the boy Im talking about? My bad. Wenxu Jiang smiled and didnt give a straight answer: You know, Mr. Li. When you go out to engage in social activities and entertainments, who is willing to bring the person he really loves to kiss ass and drink for him? Ive seen you a couple of times before, its not the boy here whos accompanied you, right? Xia! Zekun Li didnt answer Jiang; instead, he called for the person who was in the kitchen, Turn off the stove. Go change on second floor and wait for me. Ill take you out to eat in a moment. Watching Xia Cheng go upstairs, Zekun Li turned cold completely: Wenxu Jiang. What are you came here to talk about exactly? My loves surname is He. Wenxu Jiang didnt answer Zekun Lis question directly. It was almost like he was talking to himself, He has leukemia. Recently he has been treated by Dr. Ai at General Hospital of the Peoples Liberation Army. Oh. Im sorry to hear that. Zekun Li only raised his eyebrows after hearing the familiar name of the condition. His words were not from the bottom of his heart. His doctor found him matching bone marrow. But now its gone. Wenxu Jiangs voice quivered a little, even though he tried so hard to control himself not to. Zekun Li frowned already. He had a hunch about this. The bone marrow your boy got, is not originally for him, right? You know how you snatched it. I dont have to snatch the things I want. Zekun Li sneered in scorn, I got it; its mine. What can you do about it? Everyone has his own fate. Your boy is unfortunate. Whos to blame? Wenxu Jiang clenched his fist; his veins near his eyes were popping: Show some kindness. Zekun Li couldnt care less: You are a resourceful man. Go find another one. Its easy for you. The bone marrow you got, Shao Lu gave it to you, right? You were willing to put yourself at risk to take it from that scumbag. You say its easy to find another one? Shao Lu is the president of that hospital. He snatched the bone marrow away before it could get to Ziyu Ai. Shao Lu was usually discreet. After all, the hospital was at the capital; he would not act recklessly. But he and his in-laws together invested and opened several schools to treat adolescents for their internet addictions and rebellious behaviors. Lately the media exposed their shady business with gory details. It had gotten so big even mayor Mr. Li wouldnt dare to intervene. But Zekun Li still took the risk and accepted the bone marrow from Shao Lu. He was risking his family being dragged down with this. Wenxu Jiang did some research and found out about this when he was in Hangzhou. He was impressed by Zekun Li of taking such a big risk. Like you said, I took a big risk. So you ask me for this. It is not appropriate, right? Zekun Li shook his head and laughed, It wouldnt matter who came to it first. No matter who ended up with the bone marrow, it is still a life to be saved by the hospital. Your love is waiting for the bone marrow to live, but you think mine can wait? Wenxu Jiang didnt answer. He just put the little suitcase on the tea table and opened it slowly. Zekun Li glanced at it and sneered: You think Im short of money? Ill be ashamed to give this to you. Wenxu Jiang closed up the suitcase, Ill give you whatever you want as long as I have it. This money is for the person who donated the bone marrow. I wanna ask you a favor, find the donor and ask him if he is willing to donate again in a short time. The donor was hidden away. Even Ais family couldnt find him. Wenxu Jiang could only rely on Zekun Li now. Either way it has to be after Xias surgery. You just go home and wait. Not for long. Half a month at most. When Xias surgery is done, I will bring the donor to you. Chapter 74 - Heart Attack Wenxu Jiang didnt dare to fall out with Zekun Li. All he could do was wait. The more he bore, the more he hated himself for his uselessness. The greatest pain is that youve worked so hard only to move yourself instead of making an actual difference. Wenxu Jiang didnt even know how he walked outside the door. The anoxia numbed his limbs. The cold air sobered him up as he took a hard inhalation. Sparse tiny snowflakes fell from the sky on Wenxus way back home, he reached out of the car window to try to hold one, but the snowflake melted the instant it touched his palm, becoming a small drip of ice-cold water as Wenxu withdrew his hand. Did you watch the weather forecast? An abrupt question came from the back seat. Assistant Song felt confounded for a bit and answered, It didnt say its gonna snow but the skys been gloomy since this morning. I figured it might snow and it does. Yeah. Wenxu Jiang insipidly replied. Not until nearly half a minute later did he talked again, It was also a snowy day the last time you saw Zhishu He, wasnt it? Assistant Song didnt forget. He went to deliver Zhishu those dumplings that day. He clearly remembered one look in Zhishu Hes eyes the moment he saw those dumplings, a sudden despair look that no one would have the heart to watch. Yes, the snow was bigger than today. The man at the back seat quieted down. Assistant Song peeked him from the rearview mirror out of curiosity. He saw the man that used to be condescending and bossy took more than ten seconds to light the cigarette because his hands were shaking so dramatically. The white smoke slowly covered the complexity in Wenxus eyes. He exhaled lightly; the snow was getting bigger. He looked outside the window and asked in a trance, Am I an asshole to Zhishu He? Assistant Song had witnessed many things, like Wenxu Jiang told Zhishu He on the phone that he was busy with work while he was out with his lover, and he picked up many boys and girls for Wenxu Jiang. But its not his place to comment or judge. So he just slowly replied, You and Mr. He had a very good relationship in the beginning. Only in the beginning. Wenxu was aware and he knew he asked a needless question. Anyone with eyes could see he owed Zhishu so much. Jingwen said he didnt love him enough, Ziyu Ai said he didnt deserve Zhishu, even Zekun Li humiliated him with Zui Shen. People said those things for a reason, and the reason was he made one after another mistake. Step by step, he had come to this far. Hed got no one to blame but himself. The cruelty of reality is, not until after you lose one thing, will you know how important it is to you, but it would always be too late to realize. As Wenxu Jiang mindlessly watched the streets and things outside the window flashing by, he suddenly locked his eyes on one street. He pinched the cigarette with his fingers in a self-harming way. He told in a low voice, trying to conceal his frailty and sorrow, Stop the car. Assistant Song couldnt keep up his request, but only slowed down the car. Boss, the snow is getting bigger. You didnt look well at noon. Ill drive you home the soonest possible. Wenxu Jiang insisted, Stop. Ill go home by myself. Assistant Song had no choice but to pull the car over. Boss, please watch yourself. Call me if you need me. Wenxu Jiang nodded and walked away without saying a thing. It was a street with little passersby in normal days so there was Wenxu Jiang walking down the road alone in this rigor. The blade-like winds were slicing Wenxu Jiangs face but he looked placid because the physical pain was nothing compared to his heartache. The ground was covered with thin snow; every step of Wenxus left a shoeprint on the whiteness. Suddenly, he halted, looked back at a loss. All he could see was the empty street with a track of his shoeprints. He slightly opened his mouth, weak trembling voices were forced out of his heart as he called, Zhishu Zhishu Where are you? Im Im here to watch the snow with you. No answer. Only the winds howled at him as if he was the only person standing in this world. His face uncontrollably jerked; he could hardly breathe due to the heartache. But Wenxu Jiang realized it was a heart attack instead of the mere heartache as he paralyzed. He didnt know how long he lay in the winds and snow with eyes wide-open. He threw all the pills into his mouth without counting. Finally, he lifted himself up. Wenxu Jiang kept telling himselfwhat should Zhishu do if he gave up just like that. It was over 7 oclock when he got home. He was so cold that he totally lost his senses but he struggled to turn on all the lights and then opened his wine cabinet. He abused himself with the wines, white or red, as if those were water. As long as he was still conscious, he would be in pain. The good thing about the wine is it warms you up. Wenxu Jiang lay on the floor with dim eyes. He kept mouthing sorry, sorry, sorry Sorry for not protecting and loving you all the time. Sorry that I had someone else in my life apart from you. Sorry that I must abide even when I tried to save you Sorry I dont even know Im so in love with you myself. Wenxu Jiang raised his hand and put it on his chest. He looked away, under the couch, there lay a silvery thing. He crawled there almost intuitively. He pressed his whole body on the ground, which was dusty because of the long lack of cleaning, and strived to reach out to that little thing. Wenxu Jiang burst into tears instantly. He cried like a child under 10. His face was a mess but he couldnt make a single sound. He was too sad to make a sound. In his hands, it was Zhishus ring. The rusty dark stuff on it smeared Wenxu Jiangs hand. That was dried blood. Wenxu Jiang pressed it on his chest; his quivering hand could hardly hold a small ring. He suddenly raised his shaking right hand and smacked himself very hard to finally sober himself up, he tried to steady his hand to put the ring on his little finger. The reunion of the two rings took place after three years. He and Zhishu He seemed to be back together for eternity. Chapter 75 - I Just... Want to Hear His Breath. Chapter 75: I Just Want to Hear His Breath. Translator: Claire.KK Zhishu Hes condition worsened. He had headaches and felt nauseous day after day. He was covered with bruises due to the subcutaneous hemorrhage. Ziyu Ai didnt even dare to touch him. His heart broke for He. Zhishu He didnt want to trouble him, he just endured and said nothing no matter how painful he was. It had become Ziyu Ais routine that he would sleep after watching Zhishu fell asleep. He was a light sleeper that would wake up because of the slightest movement. This day, he suddenly woke up finding Zhishu crying in his sleep. His forehead was covered with a thin layer of cold sweat. Whimpering quietly, he mumbled, I I felt so bad All he did was mumble in his dreams even he was in so much pain. Just quit sucking everything up on your own. Ziyu Ai turned up the bedlight a little. He stroked Zhishus feeble back, Good boy, Im here Dont worry, itll end Zhishu He grabbed at Ziyu by his waist. His tears damped his pajama, searing his skin. Zhishu Hes forehead was hot. He had a fever again in the middle of the night. Ziyu Ai wanted to get him two cold wet towels but Zhishu hugged him even tighter the moment he had the tendency to leave. He shouted in a soft, poor tone, Wenxu Dont go Please Ziyu Ais eyes were suddenly reddened; he gently petted Zhishu Hes back and said in a low voice, No I wont go Ziyu Ai stared at Zhishu for a long time and he very carefully stroked aside his sweaty sticky hair, thinking to himself, I deserve it. He didnt feel aggrieved, angry or painful. All he had was the futile jealousy. He couldnt decide who was in the depth of Zhishus heart and he didnt want him to suffer. Ziyu Ai had no desire of taking anything from Zhishu He at the moment. As it had come to this far, he had nothing else to ask for; he just didnt want him to regret. Ziyu Ai woke up very early in the morning, he went downstairs to soak the beans as hed like Zhishu to have fresh soybean milk as soon as he woke up. Ziyu Ai stood in the kitchen blankly. He stayed up all night long, having nightmares once he closed his eyes. He saw the young Zhishu in his blue and white school uniform running to him; on one side of his cheek, there was his little dimple; his smile was clean and cute. Ziyu also smiled and opened up his arms trying to hug him but Zhishu ran straight past him into the ocean in a distance and sunk himself into the abyss. It was a bad omen at any rate. Ziyu Ai sighed; he took his cellphone out to check the date. One week later, it would be Zhishus birthday. How time flew. While the cellphone was still in his hand, which suddenly rang. Ziyu glanced the number as he came to earth, Wenxu Jiang again. He now felt calm towards this man. Hed better spend the time taking care of Zhishu, because he didnt want to waste time on trifles. What do you want? Wenxu Jiang sounded weak and hoarse, Is Zhishu with you? He was now at the hospital, alcoholic poisoning plus the heart attack. Last night, Assistant Song was worried about him so he came to his house. He knocked on the door but no one answered. Luckily, he had the spare key, or else, Wenxu Jiang would be in real danger. Hes asleep, Ziyu Ai couldnt be bothered to waste his breath with him. He picked up the phone just because he didnt want to receive endless calls from Jiang, Speak or Ill hang up. Wenxu Jiang couldnt get through this tough time. He was weak both physically and emotionally, wanting company. He lay in bed thinking, Zhishu must hurt one hundred times more than him in his chemotherapies but he was all alone. How long would he recover in the bed to be able to make his way home? The more he thought, he sadder he got. Wenxu Jiang even wished himself could suffer more because he could at least somewhat feel the pain Zhishu had been through. He missed Zhishu so much. He couldnt see Zhishu, but could only make phone calls. Not until he coughed for a while, did he manage to steady his breath. Um Could you let me listen? I wont wake him up. I just want to hear his breath. Ziyu Ai sneered; he could finally let out his emotions that he repressed since last night. President Jiang, you disgust me very much. Are you putting on a bitter play here? Huh? Am I the wretched homewrecker in your play? Dont you forget that you went out and found your lovers; you abandoned Zhishu He. Whats your charade here? Id respect you if you could just give me him and wish us the best! Yes You abandoned him first but why did you leave a mark on his heart? Seriously It cant be a fair game. Ill hang up then. Take good care of him. Ziyu wanted to smash the phone onto the ground but he controlled himself because the shouting Zhishu made in his dreams last night flashed in his mind. Love overcame jealousy. Zhishu was still in sleep when he got upstairs, probably because the fever was just gone and he was very exhausted. Ziyu Ai bent down and tucked Zhishu He in, took his phone out after a brief pause. He took a photo of Zhishu in sleep. The light was dark and the angle was bad. It was a lousy shot. He sent the photo to Wenxu Jiang. He thought for a second and saved it on his phone. Chapter 76 - Irresistible Gentleness Time went by intimidatingly fast, Ziyu Ai no longer saw Zhishu in a doctor-patient way; he no longer kept close attention on how bad the situation he was in; he no longer planned for the worst. But even so, he clearly knew that The life of a terminal stage leukemia patient who doesnt take medical treatment or medications couldnt last long. It had been a week since Wenxu Jiang called. That man didnt call him again but it was probably the right move. If Wenxu Jiang had the last bit of his conscientiousness, he would feel guilty to Zhishu He in a condition like that. Zhishu He still went to the french windows to enjoy the little gardens from the second floor when his mind was clear; sometimes, the dog and kitties would sneak into the garden and damaged the plants when it lacked Ziyu Ais protection. Every time he looked down through the transparent window, Zhishu He felt calm inside as if he floated in the air totally relaxed. He had found a book that quite interested him a few days ago. He had been reading it for several days; it was a book with pictures, called 100 Places You Must Go In Your Life. Ziyu Ai sat next to him when he read the book and his dark brown eyes dimmed as he saw the title. Zhishu He noticed; he smiled and rubbed one side of Ziyus waist with his foot. His navy blue coral velvet sock failed to cover his snow-white ankle, which was extremely pretty. The tickles on Hes foot from Ziyu Ai finally erased the deep sorrow in Hes eyes. Ill give this book to you once I finish reading it, Zhishu He smiled, You gotta go to every place in this book twice, okay? The second time is a remedy. Tomorrow is your birthday. Ziyu Ai didnt answer him, but leaned on Zhishus shoulder and snuggled with him intimately. Zhishu He nodded, Ive been waiting for very long. The birthday present you prepared has been tantalizing me for more than half a month. Ziyu Ai kissed his cheek in a smile; his eyes were full of happiness and love, You have been tantalizing me for half a year. Zhishu He rolled his eyes at him and went back to his book. He had enough of those words but the pictures cheered him up. He had read this book over and over. Zhishu He was quite cheerful today; he didnt feel drowsy. When he read enough, he leaned on Ziyu Ai and let his mind fly. Ziyu Ai held Zhishu He in his arms so that he could lean on his chest. Whats on your mind? When he talked, his chest gently shook. The shake numbed Zhishus ear. You. I dont buy it. Really, Zhishu He smiled, My lifes worth it. I end up with such a good man. What do you, end up with? Ziyu Ai felt a bit unhappy, You keep your mind drifting away. You talk, I hurt. Zhishu He chuckled; the heat from his mouth warmed Ziyus heart. Their dinner was little wontons Ziyu made, which Zhishu ate quite a lot. He seemed to have a better appetite than before. You like wontons? Ziyu Ai gave him half a bowl of seaweed and shelled shrimp soup. Zhishu He was lost, he lowered his head, scooping the soup again and again. Not really, I just Zhishu He tilted his head, looking pretty distressed. Ziyu Ai realized something and jealousy budded on his heart, but he didnt show it in his words. Alright, finish the soup. Ill cook you more tomorrow, Ive made plenty of wontons. Zhishu He didnt say anything, he slowly finished the soup. Can I have a bath tonight? Zhishu He asked Ziyu Ai after he helped him wash the bowls. He had showers lately; Ziyu Ai didnt allow him to take a bath, lest hed get dizzy. Dont take too long. Ziyu Ai cleaned the kitchen sink and replied to him gently, Watch out for the slippery floor when you get out. Zhishu He hummed a yes and left. It wasnt a short bath. Up until Ziyu Ai finished the cleaning and took his shower, wasnt Zhishu finished yet. Ziyu Ai flicked through the book page by page in bed and called Zhishu Hes name every once in a while. He was still worried about him. Zhishu He was sick of answering him but he knew Ziyu Ai cared about him. He stayed in the water for a while longer, had a quick shower and came out. His skin got wrinkle and his cheeks were red. He dried his hair with a towel carefully next to Ziyu. How come you smell so good? Ziyu looked at him from behind and exhaled. I used that lush bath bomb, Zhishus voice was a bit throaty and inadvertently alluring. He smiled, I think I smell good, too. Zhishu He leaned over, very close to Ziyu Ai; tiny water droplets pattered on Ziyu Ais face. Ziyu Ai thought Zhishu He was teasing him because he was in a good mood but before he said anything, a mild kiss lay on his forehead. Just smell. Knock it off, Ziyu Ais expression suddenly changed, Listen to me, go to bed. He patted on the bed next to him, We gotta get up early tomorrow. Its your birthday. The bedlight was on; the evasiveness of Ziyu Ais was very obvious. He was struggling, panic and uneasy. Zhishu Hes next kiss was on Ziyu Ais lips. His eyes were gentle, his black pupils reflected a little brightness of the light but that was like the most shining star in the universe. Am I not good enough for you? Except for Wenxu Jiang There was no one else. Zhishu, you know I dont Ziyu Ai was very agitated; he couldnt organize his words; he couldnt handle the heartache. He loved Zhishu He to death. He wanted to touch him, he wanted to have him, but he wanted more to be the very person that wouldnt take something from him in his life. Ziyu Ai just wanted to be good to him. He dared not to think about the rest. Zhishu He sighed lightly. He kissed down little by little from his jaw and tried to unbutton Ziyu Ais pajama. Ziyu Ai couldnt resist Zhishus gentleness, his warm breath on his sensitive neck, and his fragrance. He rolled over to press Zhishu under him. His intense kisses fell on Zhishus eyes and brows and cheeks. Zhishu Little ShuBaby Ziyu Ai didnt even know why he cried; his tears were all over Zhishus face. He muttered countless times I love you near Zhishus ears. It was Ziyus nature to be gentle and careful. When he got inside Zhishu, Zhishu didnt feel too much pain but still, he subconsciously clenched the bed-sheet hard. Zhushu Ziyu Ai licked and kissed Zhishus Adams apple. Strong breaths were mixed with the doctors confession of love; he kept saying it and didnt change his words all night long. I love you Zhishus mind drifted between clear and blurred, he watched Ziyu Ais face in the pale yellow light, involuntarily panted and moaned quietly and got himself ready to be overwhelmed by strong passion. D-doctor Ai. Zhishu He loosened his grips, on the wrinkled sheet, his arms encircled Ziyu Ais neck, smiled at Ai in a trance. Chapter 77 - Happy Birthday! When Zhishu He woke up, he was left alone. Cold and empty, it looked like the doctor had left for quite a long time. Zhishu He slowly rolled over and kept his eyes shut for a while longer. He was still weak; his waist and legs were sore and limp. The door was mildly pushed open; Zhishu He didnt move. The quilt was pulled up right after he felt someone standing next to the bed. Before he could sense the coldness, something warm was thrust into his arms; it was an electric warmer. Baby, happy birthday, Ziyu Ai lowered his head, kissed Zhishu from his earlobe to his nape, Rise and shine. Zhishu shrugged and held the electric warmer tight. Dont mess with me, its ticklish. Ziyu Ai didnt go further, he just groomed Zhishus messy bangs. You can stay in bed for a minute and get up later. Ill wait for you downstairs. After Ziyu Ai left for several minutes, Zhishu He got up reluctantly. He buttoned up his pajama and rubbed his temples. Ziyu Ai was in the kitchen when he got downstairs. He leaned sideways to greet him once he heard him coming down. You are up? On his floral apron, there was a mess of flour, his dummy smiley face was just like the dog. Ill make you a cake after I put these egg tarts into the oven. Zhishu He held the electric warmer, tilted his head and looked into the kitchen while standing away from it and said, You are awesome. Ziyu Ai walked up to him, randomly dusted off the flour on his hands, lifted Zhishu He up and put himself down in the living room couch. The doctors hot hands massaged Zhishu He by his waist through his pajama. Zhishu He felt a bit embarrassed; he wriggled. Youve got flour on me. Ziyu didnt let go. Let me massage you. He wasnt acting filthy though; he understood that Zhishu was feeling embarrassed. As much as he was patient and restrained enough last night, he was still doing everything he could to not hurt his feelings. Ziyu Ai made him comfortable with the right skill and intensity; his hand totally relaxed Zhishus uptight muscle. Massage is an energy-consuming job; Zhishu didnt want to bother Ziyu so much. I feel alright. You do your thing. You said the cake wasnt done, right? Zhishu pushed himself up from Ziyus arms and sat straight on the couch by himself. Ziyu Ai didnt say another word, he just caressed Zhishus cheek and got up. As he walked into the kitchen, he suddenly remembered something and he stood still. Silly me. Ziyu Ai smiled at Zhishu He fawningly, and turned away to open the door. Zhishu He was wondering what Ziyu Ai was up to. Less than three minutes later, a golden towser briskly rushed into the house. Ziyu Ai slowed down with two cats in his arms and followed by another two cats. Zhishu He giggled. They all took parasite repellents and a bath in the morning. Theyll keep you company for a while. Ziyu Ai walked up to Zhishu, grabbed one cat by its neck and passed it to Zhishu, Cuddle him. Your favorite one. Hes grown a lot. Zhishus eyes were gentle and kind, filled with real joy. He reached out to hold the cat. How these little things have grown. The doctor had fed them well. They became big cats. The dog snuggled with Zhishus legs, it shoved its big golden head into Zhishus arms hard but it got slapped by the cat in his arms. Its poor brown eyes were moistened. Those poor eyes got Zhishu right away; he put down the proud cat and cuddled the dog and said, Good boy. It licked all over Zhishus face. Ziyu Ai got him a big plate of fresh fruits from the kitchen. Have some fruits first. The dog likes them too, you can have them together. Zhishu He watched TV; the dog sat still and was happy being his cushion as it got snacks. Those cats went to the balcony for sunbathe. Today was a wonderful day. The egg tarts Ziyu Ai made smelled good. The moment they came out the oven; the dog wooshed up, its tail wagging enthusiastically. Shoo, shoo, your mom hasnt eaten one yet, Ziyu Ai bent over and flicked on the dogs head, turned away to Zhishu He and said, Youve been eating light food these days. You can have a little bit of sweet today. Zhishu He ignored the first part of his sentence and smiled. Arent I a lucky birthday boy? Zhishu He took a bite on a tart. It was hot and sweet, not too sweet if he just ate a little. Ziyu Ais eyes sparkled but he said nothing. The cake came out around noon, right on lunchtime. Ziyu Ai got the dining table ready and called Zhishu He. Baby, happy birthday. Ziyu half knelt beside the couch, looking up at Zhishu in a humble way. You said the same thing in the morning. Zhishu reached out to touch Ziyu Ais smiling lips and chuckled, Why are you acting like the dog? Ziyu Ai held Zhishu Hes hand, said very seriously, This time, it comes with the birthday present. He took the present that had been waiting for so long out of his side pocket. It was a red little velvet ring box. Zhishu He frowned almost imperceptibly. Ziyu Ai opened up the box, where there was a platinum ring. On the ring, there was an oval-shaped flower with tiny little diamonds on it. It was a beautiful ring, every of its glow told gentleness. It wasnt feminine though, which suited Zhishu well. Sorry, Zhishu He closed the box, I cant take it. A ring means something special. One cant take a ring if they cannot undertake the responsibility and love. When Zhishu He violently pulled the ring that he had for nearly eight years from his finger, he thought to himself I wont take another ring for the rest of my life. Zhishu Ziyus eyes were as deep as the ocean, Put it on Im afraid I cant find you in this life So please put it on so that I can find you. Zhishu He put on a wry smile. Psychological comfort doesnt really work. They both knew Ziyu Ai was lying to himself but none of them pointed it out. Please, Im begging you. Ziyu Ais eyes were drooped; he opened the little box and took the ring out again on my own and tried to hold Zhishus hand. Please Put it on just for me once. Zhishu Hes heart jerked, briefly but acutely. He withdrew his hand as he caught the sadness in Ziyus eyes. He stayed silent for a while and suddenly stroked Ziyus hair. I could. But could you promise one thing? Ziyu Ai raised his head and looked into Zhishus eyes. When Im gone Dont wait, have me cremated I want a water burial so that I can travel to all those good places. Zhishu He said in a calm tone as if it was a daily small talk. His eyes were soft. You can have my one hundred and fifty thousand. You can donate it to charity I know you have money Ziyu Ais body twitched; he said nothing but tried to put the ring on Zhishus finger with his shaking hands. What he said meant yes. The ring fit his third finger. It covered that old indistinct ring mark that hardly faded away. Not until the whole ring-putting process was finished, did Ziyu stand up. He expectedly held the back of Zhishus neck and french-kissed him passionately. This was the first time they had this kind of kiss, which was more intimate than intercourse. Chapter 78 - Don’t Touch My Zhishu Zhishu He didnt repulse or reply. His head felt heavy as if drowned. He didnt even sure what he was feeling about Ziyu Ai but still, he allowed things to come to this far. Ziyu Ai let go of Zhishu He, caressed his lightly swollen lips with his fingers. It tastes sweet, Ziyu Ai smiled, I might be into egg tarts in the future. Zhishu He felt a bit tired, he evasively turned away to hug the dog and sunk into the couch. Ziyu Ai said nothing, but grabbed his phone, meaning to ask why the flowers he ordered havent arrived yet. But the moment he picked his phone up, a call came in. It was the haunting Wenxu Jiang. Ziyu Ai was so annoyed that he even wanted to smash the phone onto the ground. I need to go out for this phone call; you lie here for a while. Ziyu Ai pointed at his phone and said to Zhishu He. It kept ringing and the call hung up automatically when Ziyu Ai got upstairs but it rang again less than ten seconds later. What do you want? Ziyu Ai asked in a cold tone. Wenxu Jiang sounded calm but furtively happy. The bone marrow donor has agreed to donate again but he just needs another week. Ziyu Ai sneered but his tone reminded the same, as chilling as ice. Thats good so President Jiang, could you please call me when everythings ready? Theres another week, right? Voices came from the other side of the phone after a long pause. I see He said in the helpless and forbearing way as if he was resigned, I want to say a few words to him. You can keep wanting. Ziyu Ai mocked. Wenxu Jiang didnt get upset, but asked somehow imploringly, Has he been doing fine lately? How can he not? No one is torturing him here; no one is breaking his heart here. He wouldnt end up like this if he lived this life earlier. Wenxu Jiang said nothing; he didnt try to refute. He could stand this mild mockery in exchange for any bit of information on Zhishu He. Today is his birthday Please keep his company for me; I was there for him on every of his birthday. He would feel bad if no ones there for him. Wenxu Jiang provoked Ziyu Ai very easily, he turned his anger into laughter. How thoughtful of you, President Jiang. What a sophisticated lover you are! But sorry, he ate his birthday cake before noon and he had his birthday present. But he couldnt hold his anger down much longer. He had put up with Wenxu Jiang for very long. He considered Wenxu Jiang the cheekiest man he had ever seen. He didnt cherish Zhishu when he owned him and threw his true love into the trash can. And here he claimed he was the most faithful man on earth when he lost Zhishu, he was probably thinking to himself, why cant they go back to what they were after admitting his mistakes, after being willing to make amends? What a prick. Are you done now, President Jiang? Ill need to look after him during his afternoon sleep and massage his waist. He was tired out last night. Ziyu didnt intend to provoke Wenxu Jiang with this. It was quite vulgar; even he himself despised what he said. But Wenxu Jiang never failed to bring out the worst of him. Wenxu Jiang suddenly raised up his voice and it was trembling in disbelief. Did-did you touch him?! Weve been together for a long time. It wasnt the first time last night anyway. It was a normal thing, wasnt it? Ziyu Ai sounded calm and smiley. Do you need me to wish him a happy birthday? If you dont, Ill hang up now. Wenxu Jiang was stunned; the phone slipped off his hand and banged on the floor. He paralyzed into the couch without knowing what he was thinking or doing. He put everything on the tea table in order almost manically but in the end, he couldnt help bursting into tears with hands covering his face. He mumbled, Please Please dont Dont touch my Zhishu Wenxu Jiang was about to have a mental breakdown; he couldnt dare to think; he couldnt stand anyone touching Zhishu He. Wenxu Jiang was extremely possessive; he couldnt allow anyone to touch what was his. Back in the days when he took Zhishu to a business meal, he would break someones arm if they tried to get Zhishu He drunk and flirt with him. He would get upset if Zhishu came home a bit later than usual. He would go crazy if Zhishu got a bit close with someone else. But now, a man just told him that he had entirely owned his precious, he kept him, fondled and hugged him for more than once. It cant be true It mustnt be true Wenxu Jiang reached to pills and tried to comfort his heart with gibberish. Zhishu He wouldnt allow him to be touched. Itll be fine When he gets better, Ill take him back Ill be very very good to him. Wenxu Jiang curled himself up, his whole body quivering. He sounded muffled as if he was talking to his inner self. Even if what Ziyu Ai said is true I dont care, I dont care As long as Zhishu was happy, he didnt care. Wenxu Jiang was supposed to be cheered up today as Xia Chengs operation was a success. Not until everything was settled, did Zekun Li call him, he said that person had taken that 1 million, he was ready for the second donation one more week later. Wenxu Jiang was thinking at the moment that today was Zhishu Hes birthday; this uplifting message indicated good omens. But unexpectedly, extreme joy begot sorrow. Zhishu He was dozing when Ziyu Ai got downstairs with one hand on the Golden Retriever. It was a beautiful hand, it had long and slender fingers and the glow on his third finger bewildered Ziyu Ais heart. He walked up to him slowly with a heavy mind. He didnt feel a thing when he heard the words bone marrow again after two months. The late love and compensation was less than weeds. Ziyu Ai grabbed up his hand on the dog and smiled at him. Dont pet the dog anymore. Wash your hands; its lunchtime. Chapter 79 - Xia Cheng is Dead of Severe GVHR The flowers arrived at lunchtime, Ziyu Ai put the chopsticks down and walked to the door. He didnt order a bouquet but pots of flowers, about thirty pots of jasmine, all blooming. As Ziyu Ai helped the seller move the pots into the living from his van, Zhishu He stuck his head out and watched. Nice flowers. Ziyu Ai paid the bills and returned very quickly. He had been in contact with this flower seller for more than a week; every pot was well checked, otherwise, there would be another ten pots more. Zhishu He was a bit astonished. He watched so many pots of jasmine lining up to the foot of that Phoebe folding screen. The fragrance of blossoms suffused the whole house. Zhishu He got up and walked over, his heart touched by a very light poke. Do you like them? Ziyu Ai held Zhishus hand in a smile, Therere no blossoms in our garden but we can get some in our room I like them very much. Zhishu He looked at Ziyu with moistened eyes. He leaned over and gave him a hug. Thank you. No one cared about lunch anymore. They sat on the couch. Zhishu He stared at the flowers with Ziyu Ai by his side in silence. Jasmine was my grandpas favorite. Jasmines were all over our garden since I could remember, Zhishu He smiled, he was more than talking to himself than speaking with Ziyu Ai, The first thing Wenxu Jiang said to me was why do I smell so good? I could still remember, the next day, I picked a pocket full of flowers. I put several buds on every cluster in case they lost the fragrance and I dared not to let my grandfather see. It was the first time Zhishu He mentioned his and Wenxus old story. He wasnt being reminiscent or regretful or sarcastic, he was calm and gentle as always. At the time, Wenxu Jiang was so careful when he looked things up in those pages because he put the flowers everywhere in the book and he cherished them. For a very long time, the strong smell of jasmine was all over our classroom, even on his sport shirt, Zhishu lowered his eyelids; his flicking eyelashes were like butterfly wings, Every time I went back home, I could smell jasmine from a distance. It was like the guidance on my way home. Back then it was like the best smell in the whole world to me. Zhishu Hes eyes dimmed, and his voice told bitterness. But then the garden was left unattended after my grandpa passed away. No one in my family was willing to take care of those plants. Ziyu Ai held him in his arms and solaced him with the strokes on his black hair and his back. Thank you, Ziyu Ai, Zhishu Hes sound was extremely light, I will never forget you If peoples souls do linger after they die, I will trace the fragrance to your garden and living room and I will be your house guardian. The last part was more like a joke. I have myself to thank, too. I have spent the luck of my whole life to be with you, Ziyu Ai kissed Zhishu Hes eyelashes, I love you forever. The two greatest shames in this world: one is the death you cannot resist; the other is the love you cannot own. Aiyu Zi suddenly wanted to cry. Wenxu Jiang had gone back to the company. He worked harder than he ever would, leaving no time to rest for himself, he practically lived in his office. But every lonely night, he would look at his empty office in his leather seat and let his mind wander. He couldnt help thinking about Zhishu He. He slightly stroked the picture of Zhishu in his sleep on his phone and muttered, Are you doing fine? I have been taking care of your birthday present It was an Akita. You cried so hard when you watched the movie, Hachi: A Dogs Tale and you begged me half a month for a puppy When your operation is finished, you can play with it. What Ziyu Ai said on Zhishus birthday pushed Wenxu Jiang to the edge of his mental breakdown but he made it through eventually. Wenxu Jiang told himself that it was karma. After everything he had done, he had no right to question anything. He only deserved pain. He still worried a lot when he was over it. Maybe Ziyu Ai tricked or forced him; maybe he hurt Zhishu; maybe Zhishu was too feeble to stand the intensity Even he didnt break down, he was nearly insane. Someone knocked on his office door; Wenxu Jiang put his phone away and said in a low voice, Come in. Assistant Song walked in with a fluffy creature in his arms. Boss it has been vaccinated. He was doing too much for him while he was just a business assistant. Take care of it these days, please. Its just two months old, its delicate. Ill take Zhishu to your place to cuddle it. Assistant Song stood still; not until the puppy licked his face several times, did he come to sense. He held the dog to his office in a wry smile. Wenxu Jiang got a phone call shortly after his assistant left. He looked at the number, it was Jingwen Zhang. Jiangwen? Wenxu lighted up a cigarette and asked, What? Jingwen Zhang sounded a little agitated, Do you know? Xia Cheng Xia Chengs dead. Wenxu Jiang went blank. Which Xia Cheng? Zekun Lis Xia Cheng, Jiangwen Zhang exhaled hard several times, I have asked around and I was told he had a severe rejection reaction within half a month, very severe GVHR. He died in operation room Zekun Li went crazy right away, he nearly beat the head doctor to death. No one could stop him until then Mayor Li came What Jingwen Zhang didnt say was that Zekun Li collapsed on the ground; he even ignored his fathers arrival. He kept crying, mumbling how successful the operation was and they hadnt got time to take a look at their marriage certificate mailed from the UK Jiangwen Zhang thought of Wenxu Jiang right away. If one day, Zhishu was gone Wenxu Jiang would be more desperate then Zekun Li. Chapter 80 - Endless Snow Wenxu Jiang stood still for a while. He didnt come back to sense until the cigarette burnt his finger. And his sudden rise caused a loud screech between the chair feet and the wooden floor. Wenxu Jiang? Wenxu Jiang! Whats wrong with you? Jingwen Zhang was a bit worried. He witnessed Wenxu Jiangs condition; the man probably couldnt handle a tiny bit of external stimulation. Wenxu Jiang hung up the phone. He could barely hold his coat. He stepped outside his office in an unclear mind and before he knew it, he started running awkwardly. Assistant Song was trying to calm the grumpy puppy down when his boss banged the door open. Drive me to the airport; ask about the ticket of the earliest plane to Hangzhou. Wenxu Jiangs voice was placid but it was perceptibly quivering. Now? Assistant Song was shocked. He replied by instinct. It was too sudden but he knew he couldnt ask more. He picked up the puppy and said, Boss, Ill have the receptionist look after it. In the car, Wenxu Jiang found his heart was under too much pressure, his limbs dead cold. He feared and he knew. He was alive; the operation was a success. But how come a person could just die like that What about Zhishu He then? Jingwen Zhang did tell him that bone marrow wouldnt do anything at this stage of Zhishu Hes leukemia but Wenxu Jiang never listened. He kept refusing to accept the fact that Zhishu He would eventually die. Wenxu Jiang found himself absurd. Why was he so convinced that Zhishu He would live a happy life with him again after he got better soon? Wenxu Jiang finally grudgingly admitted a horrifying thought that he might lose Zhishu He, like forever. Boss, I have made a phone call; the earliest plane will be eight thirty tonight, Assistant Song took off his Bluetooth earphone, Book that one now? Wenxu Jiang only hummed while watching the gloomy sky outside the window. He must take one last look at Zhishu He, even from a distance, just to assure himself. He wouldnt wouldnt upset him again. It was only about four oclock when he arrived at the airport. Wenxu Jiang wanted to head straight into the airport lounge by himself yet saw snow coming down from the sky while getting off the car. Wenxu Jiangs heart jerked and he asked, Did you read the weather forecast? How could Assistant Song notice that when he didnt even have time to turn on a TV or check his phone? He turned on his 4G to check the weather in a hurry after hearing Wenxu Jiangs question. Light snow. Should be fine. Assistant Song said. Wenxu Jiang didnt get off the car, they waited together another two hours. In the two hours, the snow got heavier; it was two or three centimeters on the ground. Why does Beijing snow so much this year? Wenxu Jiang said it so lightly as if he talked to himself. Assistant Song stayed quiet. By 7 oclock, it almost turned into a blizzard. Winds were gusting. The car radio was reporting the closed highways. Assistant Song received a ticket refund message saying the airline was canceled. Wenxu Jiangs temples were popping. The pain and the sensation of asphyxia struck together; he nearly crushed his teeth. Head back. He still went back to his and Zhishu Hes apartment. Wenxu Jiang almost watched the snow for the entire night at the balcony. Everything was covered in whiteness; it was so cold and desolate like the temporary emptiness after noises and lights. At midnight, he called Ziyu Ai like he was hit in the face. He called again and again, and there came the same programmed female voice over and over again, Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is power off Wenxu Jiang felt he was pushed into the abyss by some irresistible force. The snow hadnt stopped yet, and Wenxu Jiangs mind was exceptionally clear overnight. He hardly considered and made up his mind just like he decided to take Zhishu He away at the train station 14 years ago. The snows were 5 centimeters thick, and the blizzard didnt stop. He decided to drive to Hangzhou. He resumed his sense while he sat on the driving seat. His body couldnt allow him to do crazy stuff young men could do. He called Assistant Song. Two men driving in turns was safer and faster. He had to give him a pay raise though. It was a tough journey. The entire north snowed, and highways were all closed. Small roads were twisty and dangerous and misleading. They didnt feel slightly relieved until they entered the south. It took them two days to drive from Beijing to Hangzhou. It was before noon when they arrived at that little tea garden. The sun shone on Wenxu Jiangs face through the car window; one second bright, next second dark. The sun was shining but had no heat at all. It was empty. That two-story building was empty; the jasmines in the garden were all dead. Wenxu Jiang stumbled. He nearly fell. [Your step-mother author has to tell two inevitable thingsa sudden bad ending and plain abuse plots. There is no heart-breaking abuse in separation and abuse. If it disappoints you, please dont complain or criticize too much.] Chapter 81(END) - Little by Little, He Became Cold... Chapter 81: Little by Little, He Became Cold Translator: Claire.KK Two days of staying up and this empty house drained the last bit of vitality away from Wenxu Jiang. But he knew very clearly that he couldnt fall, at least not now. Wenxu Jiang regretted leaving so resolutely, or he could have at least had someone keep an eye on the whole thing here. Since Zhishu He was gone, the most common feeling Wenxu Jiang would get was helplessness and pain. He recalled more than once the hug Zhishu He gave him when he left. Wenxu Jiang often imagined that if he hadnt left that day, if he kept Zhishu He around, would everything be different by now? No one could give him an answer. If someone was willing to tell him, they would ask him this fourteen years ago, Will you make Zhishu He happy if he goes with you? They would ask him this four years ago, Dont you feel guilty to Zhishu Hes true love while you are having fun out there? Do you have a heart of stone? How can you be so cruel to someone that you are supposed to cherish the most? If only someone warned him once, Wenxu Jiang wouldnt make one mistake after another. Wenxu Jiang was nearly beaten down by guilt and fear. He didnt even know what to do or what he could do next. In days, he and Assistant Song tried every way to find their whereabouts; in nights, Wenxu Jiang slept in the car, guarding this tea garden where Zhishu He once lived. Day four, there was finally a turnaround. Someone showed up when Wenxu Jiang was on the verge of a breakdown. It was Ziyu Ai. He alone. He wore a black long coat with a small luggage bag in his hand. After half a month, hed considerably lost weight. He was so emaciated that Wenxu Jiang couldnt recognize him. Ziyu Ai came back in the morning. He took a cab back when Wenxu Jiang was still there. Wenxu Jiang didnt think twice. He pushed open the car door hastily and stumbled at him. Ziyu Ai! Ziyu Ai, where is Zhishu? Where is Zhishu He? Which hospital is he at? Huh? Speak! You are back so who is taking care of him now? Speak! Wenxu Jiang wasnt in any better state than Ziyu Ai was. He just shot out random questions, his bloodshot eyes looked scary. Ziyu Ai seemed to just realize Wenxu Jiangs existence. His eyes swept over him emotionlessly. He didnt have the feeling of hatred or resentment towards him; it was a kind of emotion stagnancy due to the extreme grief. Ziyu Ai took a grab in the air; he repeated Wenxu Jiangs words to himself, Where where is Zhishu? Ziyu Ais voice was quiet, every sound of him seemed to come out of his mouth with the blood from his torn vocal cord. Hes gone in my arms. Little by little, little by little, he became cold Followed by infinite silence. For a moment, Wenxu Jiang thought he was deafened; he seemed to hear nothing. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. The whole world was mute only the sound of breezing winds that blew away all the colors in his eyes. As if someone hit the play button to a paused video, Wenxu Jiang suddenly rushed over and clutched Ziyu Ais collar. His eyes were red as a crazy animal. Wenxu Jiang made voices that werent even like human voices. His tongue bled as his shuddering teeth were biting it. Every word was spit out with blood and pain, You are lying to me! Its a lie! Impossible! You said he was fine Didnt you say that you could take care of him? You are lying, arent you? Youve hidden him away, right? Please Dont shock me please, Unexpectedly, Wenxu Jiang knelt next to Ziyu Ai, Say you are lying and you wont see me ever again! Say it! Ziyu Ai pulled Wenxu Jiang from the ground and punched him hard. Is it fun to lie to yourself? Zhishu He is gone He Hes gone Ziyu Ai let go of Wenxu Jiang lifelessly. He looked down and saw fluids come out of his eyes. He could hardly control his emotions. Zhishu He died a week ago. Ziyu Ai didnt even know how he managed to deal with the funeral and documents so calmly. He watched Zhishu He turn into a handful of ashes from a sleeping human being without shedding a single tear. He was terrified by his own indifference. But now, standing once again in this very garden, watching the pool their dog once dropped in and the rocking chair and rug he bought for Zhishu He by the second-floor window and the dead jasmines, he felt his heart started to hurt. He unleashed the pain that had accumulated for three days. The man in front of him asked him, where is Zhishu He? And, didnt you say you could take care of him? He just couldnt hold his tears any longer. This was the first time he cried after Zhishu He died and here he cried in front of Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu Jiang stumbled as he took a step back. He strived to steady himself and sneered. I dont believe you I dont believe Zhishu He would leave me He, he Wenxu Jiang thought Zhishu He wouldnt leave this world without giving him one last chance to see him Ziyu Ai looked at Wenxu Jiang with his venomous cold eyes; he asked Jiang quietly, No? Who made him end up like this? Wenxu Jiangs body shook as if he was electrified. Do you know that Zhishu has left nothing, no dying wish at all, except for his funeral arrangement. Like this world isnt worth lingering on to him, Ziyu Ais bitter smile was worse than a crying face, Do you know what he has left in the end, President Jiang? Only his clothes he was wearing when he just came to Hangzhou, and a bank card with 150,000 in it! The last syllable sounded sharp and mean. Ziyu Ai tried to grab Wenxu Jiangs clothes; both of them stumbled. 150,000! Couldnt even afford a decent grave! Wenxu Jiang How cruel of you! He was with you for more than a decade; his body was sick; his heart was hurt. In the end, he couldnt afford a grave? Tell me, President Jiang, did you spend more than 150,000 on any of your lovers?! Wenxu Jiang couldnt say anything, his lips had turned into dark purple because of the shock, his face dead white. Words clogged up his throat; he coughed blood. By the time Assistant Song arrived, Wenxu Jiang was alone with his hand on his chest, his clothes covered in blood, muttering, Someone told me Zhishu He is gone Wenxu Jiang collapsed in the end. Assistant Song called A&E in a hurry. The medical report said he had gastric perforation due to emotional overreaction and overfatigue. When Assistant Song found Wenxu Jiang was awake, Jiang had been staring at the blank ceiling for god-knows-howClong; it chilled people to look into his empty broken eyes. Boss You Assistant Song couldnt say anything else but, Dont be too sad. Book me a ticket, Im going back to Beijing, Wenxu Jiangs voice was weak and aloof, Zhishu is just mad at the shit Ive done, Im sorry and Im scared now. Hes waiting for me at home, isnt he? Wenxu Jiang covered his eyes with his hand. He sounded bitter, I dreamed of Zhishu Just now. He said he missed me a lot I must meet him Boss! Assistant Song cut him off mercilessly; he knew Wenxu Jiang was at the edge of self-destruction. Im sorry. Sorry for what?! Wenxu Jiang suddenly got worked up; he pulled the needle off the back of his hand and shouted, All you lot do is curse him! How can he be dead? How can he abandon me At the end of his sentence, he choked with sobs. Wenxu Jiang was almost crying. Even if every one abandoned me, Zhishu wouldnt. Assistant Song couldnt calm Wenxu Jiang down. He took the plane back to Beijing on his own the very afternoon. Half an hour before the flight took off, Wenxu Jiang received a message on his cell phone. He checked it; it was Ziyu Ais message. Zhishu said, in his dying breath, that you must live your life properly because he didnt want to see you ever again, alive or dead. Apart from Ziyu Ai, no one would know whether it was Zhishu Hes original word or it was the meanest thing Ziyu Ai made up to punish Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu Jiang just turned off the phone slowly like he didnt care at all. Zhishu He cant be dead. Seven hours later, he was already standing in the apartment where he and Zhishu He lived for nine years. He called, Zhishu, are you home? No reply. Wenxu Jiang was upset. He turned on all the lights and sat on the couch, eyes fixed at the door. I made you wait, from now on, Ill wait for you Zhishu, Ill wait for you to come home. Wenxu Jiang rubbed the ring hanging on his neck lightly with a gentle smile. Come home early when you have enough fun I miss you. Really. Wenxu Jiang sat on that couch for two days without eating or dining. He sat still like he lost his soul, eyes dead-locked on that closed door. He no longer talked to himself in a smile or showed any sign of vitality. In the end, Wenxu Jiang felt like the door opened in a trance, where Zhishu He, at the age of 17, waved at him in the school uniform in a smile, and behind him, it was an expanse of flowers. Still in a trance, Wenxu Jiang reached out his hand and said gently, The school is over; lets go home together. And then, his tears fell involuntarily. The end. Chapter 82 - Extra: Ziyu Ai You couldnt feel that you were first falling in love with someone but no matter where you looked, your eyes would always lock on him in the end. The heartbeat for that person just couldnt lie even if you were in denial yourself. At first, Ziyu Ai felt sorry for Zhishu He, a leukemia patient that didnt even have a close one there for him. Then, his heart ached for him when he saw him asking about his condition calmly in a low voice; waiting outside his office in silence wearing his thick down jacket; having trouble standing after his bone marrow puncture. And then, he fell for him when he saw him carrying the flowerpot in panic but very carefully; showing half of his face from his thick down jacket. He knew it was wrong but he still sunk into this feeling without making any effort to struggle. Later, every time Ziyu Ai thought of Zhishu He, his big round eyes came to his mind first. It was a wet, gentle and loving pair of eyes with large eyeballs and little sclera. The second thing was Zhishu Hes voice, light and slow. A long sentence would become slow, soft music when he said it. When Ziyu Ai knew the story between Wenxu Jiang and Zhishu He in the beginning, he wasnt disappointed, but was mad. He thought Zhishu He deserved better. That man still couldnt care less about him even when he was in that state. Ziyu surely hated Wenxu Jiang for having affairs out there while owning such a mild pure man. But at the time, it wasnt Ziyu Ais place to do anything. He could only persuade Zhishu He to take medical treatment; he could only show his concerns as a doctor. The only thing Ziyu Ai could do was pull every of his strings to find bone marrows for Zhishu He. Zhishu He didnt care about his body but Ziyu couldnt. The longer Zhishu He waited, the more eager Ziyu Ai was to calculate how many days he had got left because of professional habit. He genuinely felt bad for him; every time he saw Zhishu Hes pale face after his chemo, he could feel the urge of holding him tight in his arms, of taking care of him, of never letting him carry the burden on his own. And then an impulsive kiss from Ziyu Ai changed the whole thing between them. He didnt regret it. Only at that crazy moment, did Ziyu Ai realize how deep love he was in with Zhishu He. So he could never let go. He took him away at the expense of his future and career. Even though he knew the ending would be painful, he drowned himself in that bitter-sweetness. Every step they took together wasnt easy. Ziyu Ai knew Zhishu Hes heart belonged to someone else, like for eternity. 14 years of love and hate, loving that man had become an instinct engraved in him. Ziyu Ai wasnt a saint inclusive enough to ignore their old love but he didnt have the heart to leave Zhishu He alone to deal with the pain and suffering all by himself. If two people shared the pain, would he shoulder less? He thought. In fact, Ziyu Ai never felt the things he did for Zhishu He was too hard; he never thought of getting anything in return; only occasionally, he thought it would be great if Zhishu He actually liked him a little. Later he found out slowly that Zhishu Hes heart was softer than he thought. Zhishu He also learned to accept him as Zhishu opened a little window on his heart. Zhishu He never had a verbal agreement of being together with Ziyu Ai and he never said love and true heart to him. But for some reason, Ziyu Ai was so affirmative that Zhishu He did love him even just for one second. One time, Zhishu He felt terrible at night, Ziyu Ai stayed by his side overnight; next noon, he could stand much longer so he fell into sleep on the couch. That was more like hypnagogic, during which people could hear but couldnt open their eyes. Ziyu Ai could sense that someone put on a blanket on him very gently. That person didnt leave right away, but stood next to him for quite a while and eventually covered him up a bit carefully. He spoke as if sighing, Silly His tone was filled with pity. Ziyu Ai thus fell into a deep sleep. When he woke up, it was already dark. Zhishu He had made dinner, a wholesome dinner. Zhishu He sat in the armchair next to the window, reading a book under dim light from a decorative lamp. The moment made Ziyu Ai wanna cry. He thought, even God wouldnt have the heart to give his persistent love the cold shoulder. Everything youd done wouldnt just disappear; instead, they would be remembered. It was good enough for Ziyu Ai. Even if they never had the relationship established, they were as close as a couple. Zhishu He wouldnt resist him; instead, he had been trying to accept Ziyu Ai more. But Ziyu Ai did fear more and more. He wouldnt even dare to think about what he would become when Zhishu He was gone. Ten more years of being a doctor, he couldnt save his love. Ziyu Ai could never forget the night before Zhishu Hes birthday. They were so intimate that night, skin to skin, that they became one, but deep down, his heart ached so hard. When he kissed Zhishu Hes eyebrows, his tears wet his face. At that moment, he just wanted to hold him tight, tight enough to keep him with him forever and ever. Zhishu He seemed to really have enjoyed his birthday. By the time he talked about Wenxu Jiang with him, Zhishu He was quite calm. Love and hate had taken up half of his short life. It was time to let go. But Ziyu Ai suddenly had a feeling that someone was going towards an end. He dared not to think yet the terror at the bottom of his heart spread like a drop of ink in clear water. When he looked back at that day, it was probably that last happy day he had in his life, and the upcoming suffering days were already brewing back then. Zhishu He left nothing in the end, no will. The last thing he said was how to deal with his body. He died on a sunny day. He said he wanted to watch the lake and the flowers in the garden from upstairs while his mind was temporary clear. Ziyu Ai held Zhishu He in his arms. They sat together on the soft rug. He stroked his hair and face gently. You will see blossoms after New Year. Just wait a bit, alright? Zhishu He slowly fell asleep in his arms. He didnt look painful but he kept the frown between his eyebrows. Ziyu Ai eased his frown and said mildly, helplessly. You said you wanted a view but here you sleep as you like. Ziyu Ai kept holding him until afternoon. Zhishu He didnt fall asleep; he was in a coma. The room was so quiet that only the sound of Ziyu Ais heartbeats could be heard. He tested Zhishu Hes breath again and again. By dusk, Ziyu Ai suddenly saw Zhishu He open his lips. Ziyu leaned over to listen to his muttering, The school is over Lets go home together He watched Zhishu He as an explicit gentle smile appeared on his face. Ziyu Ai held him tight, he didnt let him go for the whole night. Could you imagine what it would feel like? The one you cared the most, you loved the most, you wanted to spend your entire life with, loses his breaths and heat little by little in your arms That was the most desperate and painful feeling; that was the heaviest punishment one could have. The most unacceptable thing was the one he loved didnt have him in his last memory. Zhishu Hes ashes were spilled into Lake Baikal. It was a beautiful place, where the water was quiet and still. One would tend to hold their feelings inside after taking a huge emotional shock. From Zhishu Hes death to the return from Russia, Ziyu Ai seemed to keep drowning in indifference. He even thought, Its okay for someone to live without another. Look at me. Im over it, aint I? About Wenxu Jiang, he just vented his anger on him. He felt like he just wanted to insulate Jiang from everything that was related to Zhishu He. But when he re-entered their house, when he saw two pairs of slippers and tooth sets, the sheets well folded on the bed, the clothes he brought for Zhishu He in the wardrobe His heart started to hurt, starting from the continuous small tingling to suffocating agony that would drive people mad. After Zhishu He was gone, everything in this house meant nothing. Ziyu Ai burst into tears abruptly. He didnt look like a man in his 30s, his sadness was as pure and real as a 5-year-old boy would have. And then Ziyu Ai went back to Beijing. There were two more things lived in his wallet ever since. A bank card with 150,000 yuan and a blurred picture of a man. Ziqian Ai later had boy-girl twins. Ziyu Ai went to visit them. His brother showed a chubby boy in his arms to Ziyu Ai and said, Isnt he look like you when you were little? Ziyu Ai smiled, I dont know how I looked like when I was little. Ziyu Ai was here to say goodbye to his brother. He had already had his Russia work visa, and he was going to stay there. Ziqian Ai sighed, Arent you troublesome? That man, still? Ziyu Ai nodded and then shook his head. I will take care of myself. Ziqian Ai could never change his little brothers mind; he just wanted him to have a good life. Do come home for me and Dad more often, and your nephews, Ziqian Ai sighed, Take care of yourself out there If you meet someone, just give them a go. Ziyu Ai didnt say no, but only smiled. Ziyu Ai took a dog and four cats and a piece of memory there to start over. He no longer held a grudge against Wenxu Jiang. That message he sent was hurtful enough. Ziyu Ai was too tired, he just wanted to cure himself quietly and slowly. He never had the strong feeling towards Zhishu He like Wenxu Jiang; he wasnt that desperate to torture himself because he did nothing wrong, so he wasnt guilty or regretful. Sometimes, guilt and regret overrode love. He could live. It was just he wouldnt fall in love with someone else again. Chapter 83 - Extra: Wenxu Jiang On the day Wenxu Jiang came back from Hangzhou, he nearly screwed himself up. Thanks to Assistant Song, he told Jingwen Zhang to get the spare key from the company after many unanswered calls. When Wenxu Jiang woke up, his mind still unclear. The strong sunlight made him dizzy but he managed to open his eyes after all. His voice could barely be heard. Is Zhishu home? He remembered when he lost consciousness, he seemed to see Zhishu He. Jingwen Zhang heard him when he came out from the ward toilet. He gently sat next to Wenxu Jiang and said in a mild tone, Wenxu Jiang, clear your mind, Zhishu He is gone. Wenxu Jiang, surprisingly, wasnt worked up. He just buried most of his face in the pillow acting tired out. He sounded muffled, Youd better leave if you are lying to me with them, Then something seemed to occur to him. Wenxu Jiang added, Dont worry though. I wont give myself a hard time again. Im waiting for him to come back. Wenxu Jiang wasnt joking. He did start to wait very patiently. He went back to work after getting out of the hospital. He took his pills on time. He became nicer to employees. He spoke less and hardly laughed. His eyes were so deep when he looked into the distance, filled with solitude. His vitality and love seemed to be buried by that big snow. When the winter was past, Wenxu Jiang became much thinner. He really had aged, not in a mature way that we would use to describe a successful businessman, but aged into silence and lethargy. Wenxu Jiang never had another man or woman, not even for fun. Every day, he lived a clocklike life. He just went back home after work with that puppy. In the daytime, all those pet-loving girls in the company and Assistant Song took care of the dog, in the nighttime, Wenxu Jiang did. Wenxu Jiang had changed a lot. He no longer hated living things with furs, for one thing. Sometimes, he would even sleep with that fluffy little thing in his arms. During the long night, a living creature could reduce the loneliness more or less. He lived another six months in a walking dead state like this. He was no better than the dead actually. In the summer, Wenxu Jiang talked business with an acquaintance that tried to please him. They went to Kaiseki. In the end, the bald guy meant to treat Wenxu Jiang with a boy, while Wenxu Jiang didnt show any interest. He just looked down on his watch. It was eight p.m., when he needed to go home early. The waiter opened the door, a young man in his early 20s came in. He didnt speak, he was ushered to sit next to Wenxu Jiang. Wenxu Jiang didnt like someone sitting too close to him. He looked at this young man at last and he got light-headed. He saw this face that he was very familiar with and missed very much. Big eyes, small nose, water caltrop-shaped mouth, white skin, soft black hair. The young man was the spitting image of Zhishu He when he just turned 20! Wenxu Jiang felt like something clogged his throat, his eyes reddened, fingers shivering. Wenxu Jiang thought he seemed to have had a very real dream. The bald guy reckoned he had got the right man. He grinned at Wenxu Jiang obsequiously, President Jiang, have fun with Xiao Yuan. An old man like me wouldnt follow your pace. President Jiang. The young man named Xiao Yuan said docilely. Wenxu Jiangs dream shattered into pieces. The edges cut him relentlessly, making him bleed. That day, Wenxu Jiang went crazy. He just exploded without warning. He kicked the wooden dining table over, saki and daifukus were over the place. He broke that bald mans two teeth with his fist. He felt humiliated as if someone desecrated Zhishu He in his presence. Wenxu Jiang battered the guy in an unclear mind. All he thought was Zhishu He isnt dead yet. Are you sending me another him? Are you humiliating me or cursing Zhishu He? He looked back at the young man in loving eyes when he got out of the room. That face really frightened Wenxu Jiang. Still, he eased his tone. Dont worry, I wont hurt you. Wenxu came back, bent over to stroke on his cheeks and hair. His voice and eyes were so gentle at that moment. Tell me, is this face yours or have you had a surgery? The young man was terrified. His face paled and he stammered, Someone told President Wu That my body shape was a lot like your late love So he spent money to make me the man in the photo Wenxu Jiang suddenly looked very mean. He couldnt even put the politeness on his face. My love is not dead. He is out. Understand? He had the answer. This time, he just walked away coldheartedly. If he was born another Zhishu He, Wenxu Jiang wouldnt have the heart to touch him no matter what. He would even be willing to pay him to not go out as a social tool with that face. But Wenxu Jiang just couldnt live with that man-made pretty face. How could he stand this so-called replacement of his true love? False love was a desecration. Within a week, that face got cut. Wenxu Jiang found something terrible after that incident. Zhishu He was absent from his dreams ever since. He would dream of him every once in a while, even though most of the time, Zhishu He was blurred. At least, he used to be able to see him but now, there was nothing. Wenxu Jiang thought Zhishu He was upset about something getting close to him so he quit every party that involved sex. But Zhishu He was just not there anymore; he could do nothing about it. Wenxu Jiang started to drink, in his own house, alone, like crazy. He thought getting drunk was the way to dreamland, but it turned out to be useless. One day Wenxu Jiang was so drunk that he cut himself with a razor in the bathroom. In confusion, he seemed to see Zhishu He looking at him with a pair of pitiful and gentle eyes. Wenxu Jiang started to hurt himself. Jingwen Zhang was horrified when he met Wenxu Jiang again. It was early fall, Wenxu Jiang had already put on a formal suit, face looking like a corpse, with an aura of decadence around him. He was alive but Jingwen Zhang knew that Zhishu He had taken Wenxu Jiangs soul away, leaving an empty shell in this mortal world. Wenxu Jiang was in denial but did he really not know that Zhishu He wouldnt come back? Jingwen Zhang knew Wenxu Jiang was making atonement. He couldnt allow himself to not suffer; he even thought the eternal agonizing wait was best for him. Wenxu Jiang looked at Jingwen Zhang and said, Ill be leaving in two months. Im gonna travel around the world. Help me with company stuff. Pay yourself however you like. At least you are not saying that you dont want the company anymore. Jingwen Zhang looked deep into his eyes and sighed lightly. Wenxu Jiang shook his head and handed a pile of files to him. I wouldnt You know this company pretty much belongs to Zhishu. Jingwen Zhang suddenly noticed that there was a stain on the sleeve of Wenxu Jiangs dark shirt as he reached out his hand, which scented blood close up. Jingwen Zhang grabbed Wenxu Jiangs wrist and rolled up his sleeve forcefully. He was stunned, Wenxu Jiangs forearm was full of scars deep and light, some scabbed, some still bleeding, interweaving on his forearm. The scene was appalling. Jingwen Zhang pushed Wenxu Jiang away and scolded him, teeth gnashed, Are you an idiot?! You are an adult. Why are you still acting like a self-hurting teenager?! Keep fucking yourself up, you! Jingwen threw the files onto the ground, Now you act like a big lover. Where were you when he was around? Wenxu Jiang stood aside with a dead face, watching Jingwen Zhang smashing everything on the desk. Jingwen Zhang stopped when a small bag dropped on the ground. He was shocked by this thing. He picked up that little pack of white powder and looked at Wenxu Jiang with sad and strange eyes. Jingwen couldnt even get mad again. He stared at Wenxu Jiang for very long and asked in a low voice, Tell me, what is this? Wenxu Jiangs chest moved up and down intensely. As he slowly raised his head, Jingwen Zhang found this man crying. It was the cry of extreme grief. He even gritted his teeth to prevent the sound of cry. Wenxu Jiang opened his mouth, uttering the most despairing words, Jingwen I I honestly dont know what to do. Zhishu He wouldnt see me Not even in my dreams Do you know only when Im drunk and my body and heart are in extreme pain, I get to see him in a trance? But thats not enough You know druggies see the best illusions when theyre high, right? As long as I can see him clearly again Im willing to trade my life. Jingwen Zhang sighed, Why would Zhishu He want to see you like this? Drug, huh? Zhishu He refused to see you when he was alive. He will still loathe you now that hes dead. This simple blame was unexpectedly stronger than a bang on Wenxu Jiangs head. His teeth started grinding, I havent I havent used it Dont say that. Zhishu will blame me if he hears you Jingwen Zhang couldnt say anything else. He didnt know how long Wenxu Jiang could last like this? He put the small bag in his pocket and closed his heavy eyes, When you come up with another stupid idea again Think about Zhishu. Wenxu Jiang rested at home for another two weeks. He had no new scars. He started to tidy up the house and cook for two; to read books and watch movies that Zhishu He used to read and watch; to sleep with Zhishu Hes clothes in his arms. He had put himself outside the world. When he got better, he looked into a lot of travel guide books. After making all the arrangements, he bought a ticket to start his journey. He went to many places in the following year, he saw a lot of things and met a lot of people but no matter how fascinating or lively everything was, when he turned his back on them, he had to carry all the loneliness again. Afterwards, Wenxu Jiang took to writing letters to Zhishu He. He liked to write on long-distance green trains. He went to unpopular places during tourist off-season. The train was empty, as Wenxu Jiang wrote, and the sun left light shadows of his pen on the paper. That moment, Wenxu Jiang felt his chest was puffed up by the long-missing sense of happiness. He felt Zhishu He was right next to him, sharing their secret feelings. The letters were mailed out with strong warm love and craving. Wenxu Jiang didnt burn any of the letters he wrote to Zhishu He. In his eyes, Zhishu He was just on lonely vagrancy. He never filled in the addresses. He just mailed the letter aimlessly along with his hope and heart. He hoped that someday, his loved one would be able to read the letters and come back to him. Wenxu Jiangs love for Zhishu He was different from Ziyu Ais. Their relationship was more complicated because of all the wrong things that he did. The guilt and remorse on Wenxu Jiang was too heavy for him to forget. Standing by Lake Baikal in Russia, Wenxu Jiang could feel his heartbeats, for the first time after Zhishu He was gone, were in synergy with some unknown world as he looked at the blue water. Wenxu Jiang asked himself for the first time that what if Zhishu He never came back? Would he wait forever? Wenxu Jiang scooped a handful of water in a smile. He decided to wait another four years, to feel four years of pain and yearning Zhishu He once had, to make atonement. And then? And then I will go find you, hell or high water, I will never let you go again. I will walk by your side forever and ever. Chapter 85 - Extra: Zekun Li It was early autumn when he first met Xia Cheng but Beijing was still hot, so hot that Zekun Li didnt even want to leave the house. It rained during the daytime. Finally, the night cooled down a little. All of Zekun Lis friends called him out to have fun and he finally said yes despite his reluctance. They went to the club. He lost his interest after several rounds of arrow-shooting so he sat aside to watch his friends playing bowling. Someone proposed to sing karaoke around 10 p.m. Everyone seconded while Zekun Li put out his cigarette and said, You go have fun. Im going home. Yu Song stopped him. Hey, the whole gang is here. Come on, this isnt right. Zekun Li smiled. Ill pass. When you are high, you get whores and gambling and drugs. I dont want any of that. Zekun Li was young but he was restrained. His hobbies were loftier than other childes, such as horse-riding, parachuting or diving. Zekun Li had some friends that were kids from normal families. He was sexually mysophobic. He never took whores with him. He just resented that kind of places and people worked there from the bottom of his heart. But today, these people wouldnt let him go. They promised him, You decide the games tonight. If someone or something upsets you, we call it quits. What do you say? Zekun Li thought they wouldnt go too far and he didnt want to go home either. It made no difference wherever he stayed. The manager had reserved the best room for them. Zekun Li found a spot to sit down and started to play his cellphone, ignoring his friends who were shouting about get your pretty boys and girls here to the manager. ZeKun Li was scrolling Weibo while his friends were laughing and bragging. One rich boy was quite a show-off. He said the night was on him. They could spend however they liked. Hed just got a new card from his dad. Another officialling tried to imitate him. He gave a playful look around the room and said in a grin, Pick any song you like. As long as the singer is in Beijing, I can get them here to sing for you! Yu Song wanted a boy. He passed him the microphone. It was their rule that none of them sang the first song. As the first note of the song came out, the entire room quieted down. The waiter quickly changed another song trembling. The boy picked an old song, large letters of the title and singer displayed on the LED screen, In the Field of Hope by Liyuan Peng. The officiallings face twisted. Yes, he was joking, but he wasnt supposed to be humiliated by a money boy! The boy didnt know what the hell was going on. He wasnt listening to those rich kids. He couldnt sing while the microphone was shoved into his hand so he just picked a song that his mother sang a lot when he was little. Zekun Li put down his phone while the atmosphere was so intense in the room. He slowly looked up at that boy and giggled. He waved at the boy in a smile. Let me see, who is this fearless kid. Zekun Li had the highest status in this room. Everyone just laughed it off after seeing his expression remained the same. Yu Song nudged the boy towards Zekun Li and said, Come on, hes rarely interested in someone. The colorful lights in the nightclub were so bewildering and dazzling. It took Zekun Li quite a while to find out that this was still a kid, about 18 years old, very pretty. His eyes were peach blossom petal-shaped, which was very rare and he had those smiling lips. Someone handed the boy a lighter. Light the cigarette up for Mr. Li here. Zekun Li smiled, he really had a cigarette between his fingers. But that boy didnt move; he seemed to hesitate. He was panicking and fighting himself inside. Zekun Li never liked to compel anyone. He was a bit bored; that little sparkle in his heart was out. He just took a lighter out of his pocket. Ding, there went the blue fire. But the moment he tried to light up the cigarette, a whiff blew out his fire. The room quieted down again; even Zekun Li was stunned this time. That boy probably didnt want to upset the customer but he didnt know what to do so he blew out Zekun Lis fire in panic and lighted up the cigarette himself! Zekun Li tossed the cigarette aside, the tepidity in his eyes became lust like an aggressive animal looking for prey. Are you for sell? He was turned on. There was a hint of stiffness and awkwardness on the boys face but he looked down and muttered, Yes Zekun Li grabbed his wrist and got up. He looked around the room as his friends were waiting for the follow-up story. Im taking him with me. You guys go wild here. That day, Zekun Li exceptionally picked a money boy. The first thing he asked when they were in a hotel was Whats your name? I mean real name. Xia Cheng, a warm and pure name. Money boys disgusted Zekun Li at the time. He thought to himself that it only sounded pure. Zekun Li was brutal to that money boy for fuck. He had fun. He nearly bled the boy when he finished. A tight money boy was very scarce. Zekun Li limped when he got off the bed. He looked back at Xia Cheng, who was too worn out to open his eyes. He is pretty. He talked to himself as he took three thousand in cash and put it next to Xia Chengs pillow. He didnt bring much cash that night but three thousand wasnt a small amount. It was as much as a top money boy would get. Zekun Li didnt expect to meet this boy again. It was late autumn when Zekun Li went to the nightclub again after two months; it had gotten colder. Zekun Li wore a hoodie, looking young and swanky. When ushering him in, the manager tried to put his words together. He seemed to have something to say. In the end, he equivocated, Mr. Li, youve bought Summer out, right? Its been a while since you last came here. He misses you a lot. Zekun Li wasnt familiar with the name. He said in a cold tone, I dont care for money boy. The manager grinned. I know. You picked him two months ago, but you cant buy him out. Zekun Li was confused. He vaguely remembered a boy though. He questioned, What made you think Ive bought him out? The manager said, He didnt sell himself again ever since he came back that night. If someone wants him, he just refuses with your name Naughty boy. Yu Song joked beside Zekun Li, Youre stuck with him. Before Zekun Li said anything, the manager agreed, Yeah, a little climber whos gone out of his mind, but well He met you in his first evening; no wonder he has those thoughts. First evening? Zekun Li was a bit surprised. And then he did buy Xia Cheng out. At first, one thing interested Zekun Li the most was that he told the truth about everything. When Zekun Li asked him why he got into that business, Xia Cheng went straightforward and said it paid a lot. He also asked Xia why he, Xia Cheng laughed and said he was the most handsome one among those people. Zekun Li never had anyone like Xia Cheng. The boy who was into Animal World and Tom and Jerry, the boy who always spoke with careless childish laughter, the boy never tried to twist the hurtful word randomly popped out of his mouth. He was like a small heater that warmed Zekun Lis entire world. Zekun Li learned Xia Chengs past after they were together for a long time. The boy did well in the College Entrance Examination. He got into Beijing Normal University from the remote northwest. The hospital said his mother had some sort of blood disease. Xia Cheng was introduced here to sell alcohol for commission at first but he was so pretty. The manager tried to convince him so many times and kept saying it would get him a rich backer. Xia Cheng hesitated for long but he made up his mind when he saw Zekun Li that night. It wasnt the first time he saw Li. he had noticed this man long time ago. This man was so cool and handsome with a pair of proud lazy eyes. He might not look decent but he never had an escort for once. If it wasnt Zekun Li that wanted him that night, he probably would hesitate longer. Maybe he had fallen for him before that. When Zekun Li learned all these, Xia Cheng was already a diagnosed leukemia patient. It was genetic. Zekun Li held his hands with a pale face as if it was him with deadly cancer. Zekun Li really loved Xia Cheng at the time. He started to realize that all those seemingly careless truths turned out to be lies. Xia Cheng, just like his name indicated, was warm and pure. Hed rather live with others despise than trade his misery for compassion. Xia Cheng was always that silly childish boy who could only sing In the Field of Hope. He would do stupid things when he panicked. He called Zekun Li by his name when they became close. He could tell by the look on Zekun Lis face whether he would be having fun or doing chores. Zekun Li just said only one thing to the doctor in the ward, Cure him at all costs. Zekun Li thought he wouldnt easily fall in love with someone but he was wrong. After Xia Cheng was gone, every time Zekun Li recalled him, he thought he probably deserved it. He took the bone marrow others needed and he chose to live with the consequence but how come, in the end, Xia Cheng still ended up dead. Time went back to the early autumn night when he first met Xia Cheng, Zekun Li looked at him in a smile, Be my boy, will you? Xia Cheng blushed. The dream ended there. Zekun Li got up abruptly. He carefully wiped the sweat away on his forehead, sighed and held the pillow Xia Cheng once used tight. He couldnt sleep again, he stared at the little gap between the curtains until dawn. I do miss you. Zekun Li mumbled and closed his eyes again. Chapter 86 - Wenxu Jiangs letter Dear Zhishu: Are you doing okay on your own out there? Do take care of yourself, Ive been missing you a lot. Im doing fine; by the way, Ive been cooperative with the medical treatments. Jingwen told me that you probably wouldnt want to see me living as a walking dead when you come back. Its just I really miss you in most of the days so hard that every breath hurts my heart and lung. However, you dont come home; I can only live through the days Which is okay, though, if you decide not to come back. You used to wait for me all the time; now its my turn. Zhishu, I dont know why but I havent dreamed of you for quite some time. The more I miss you during the daytimes, the emptier my dreams are during the nighttimes. Is it because you dont want to see me anymore? Ive been looking back at the past lately and to be frank I find me cruel. Everything was so unfair to you. I regret all the time, I hate myself for not treating you better before, I blame myself for not actually indulging you for once. And now Im sorry. Yet you are just gone without looking back once. You dont give me one chance to amend. Do you remember you said you love dogs the most? I didnt allow you to keep one because I thought dogs were dirty. Now our Akita is half a year old. Hes nice to the one he is familiar with but hes still unfriendly to strangers. No matter how busy I am, I always spend time taking care of him every day. You love animals so much. When will you come back to free me from the chores? Assistant Song is about to lose it. That puppy has ruined so many plants and important files in his office during the days. I went to find Ziyu Ai after the new year. I begged so hard to keep your coat. How could I leave the coat to him? I remember I bought you that coat seven years ago. I took you to see the snow, when it was so cold and that coat was ridiculously large. You just cast it on you and snuggled up to my chest. Youd worn that same coat for the next seven winters, which I keep in my mind. Ziyu Ais eyes were still ice-cold and filled with hate. Nothing wrong with him though, after all, he liked you a lot. But the last time when I went to claim your coat, he looked at me with pitiful eyes which I resented the most. He still wanted me to suffer but he said nothing else except you were dead. I didnt and I still dont believe him anyway. I was thinking that day when I got back home, What if you are really mad at me? What if you wont come back again? What should I do then? What should I do? I thought for a long time. I suddenly figured it out, I could go to those places to find you, where you always wanted to go but I never took you. I just gave the company to Jingwen and Assistant Song. I dont really care about profits and losses. Too many memories about you linger in the company anyway. Last month when I was packing before going to Florence, I accidentally found the sketch album in your treasure closet. It was from our high school. I drew a lot of your side face when you were listening to the teacher very carefully. And later, there were front faces because I finally got to see you face to face after we were together. But youve been hiding it very well. I thought youd trashed it a long time ago. It must have been hard for you, now that I think about it, to bring nothing but my album fourteen years ago when you snuck out of your home to go with me. Perhaps because you were shy or something, you never told me this. I was in a fog. Seven hours on the train from Milan to Florence, I was immersed in the sketches of you. I seemed to see you at the age of 16 sitting next to the window with sunlight all over your hair and eyelashes. A French couple sat next to me. They were old but they still loved each other; they held each others hands tight. They smiled at me when I looked at them; they said hi to me in English. I showed the sketch album of you to them after we talked more. They said you were pretty and I was happy to hear. I said, This is my one and only love. I felt great as if you were right next to me and someone asked me about you, someone remembered that we were together and always will be together. Florence is beautiful, just like the painting collection you once showed me. Golden pinnacles of the churches in the sunset, a warm colorful fairytale town, but you werent there waiting for me at the end of the story. I stayed at home for two months after I got back. Jingwen was still worried about me. He told me to have my heart checked but I knew I was fine. My heart disease slowly disappeared after I got through the first several months without you. I dont want it to agonize, too, because that generally means bad things are on their way. I donated my bone marrow the week before I went out again. It wasnt about having a conscience. I just thought of you. I hope that everyone can donate their bone marrow so that one day, it will be used on you. I went to Argentina this time. I visited Iguacu Falls. You were once very much into Tony Leung and Leslie Cheung. You watched Happy Together for dozens of times. I didnt like watching movies but I did remember some lines. Maybe I have become sentimental. When I stood before the Iguacu Falls, I suddenly recalled Lai Yiu-fai standing before the fall on his own. He and I were both thinking, there should be two people standing together right now. Do I get to start over? Zhishu, I start to hate traveling once I think of you. The loneliness became heavier as I watched more and more beautiful scenery on my own. Because I cant help thinking, Wouldnt it be nice if you were with me? But I have learned to wait patiently. I will be making atonement in the days without you to feel the desolation and pain I imposed on you, every day, every night, every minute, every second. After counting all the wrong paths I have walked, all the wrong things I have done, I start to know that I dont get everything you want in life. Maybe its too late to go back. I dont ask for your forgiveness; I just want to wait for you with all my strength and life. I dont even know if I will have a next life after all the sins I have committed so all I can do is waiting for you with all of my heart in this life. Because I love you. Wish you the best! Regards. Wenxu Jiang, the person who awaits you. Mar. 17th, 2016. The end.