I’d never actually spoken to him, but when it came time to choose courses at the end of the year, I wanted to match with him.


    “…”


    It’s now useless.


    I never expected the atmosphere to be this gloomy when I first arrived at Dae-han’s house. I’d rather be at home resting. I pinched my earlobes firmly because Lim Dae-han, who sat opposite me, made me feel awkward and embarrassed.


    Instead of eating downstairs like yesterday, I ate breakfast in the living room of a hanok. At the table where we chatted at dawn. When he woke me up, the table was already full, most likely because Dae-han had purposefully planned a meal here.


    Dae-ryong, who was sitting on Lim Dae-han’s lap, raised his face and gazed into Lim Dae-han’s eyes. Lim Dae-han did not eat in a hurry as usual but he looked at the rice and then slightly looked up at me.  I felt like an uninvited guest.


    “Hyung…”


    Dae-ryong called me. When I looked up, Dae-ryong was holding out tteokgalbi with a spoon and a fork and offered it to me. Oh, I hate it. Because I knew who was creating the atmosphere in this situation, I deliberately raised the corners of my lips.


    “Thank you, Dae-ryong.”


    When I picked up a bowl of rice to accept it, Dae-ryong shook his head and said, “Eueung.” He then says, “Aaa…” I drew the corners of my mouth down as though noticing, then slowly opened my mouth. My mouth was filled with the sweet tteokgalbi. I didn’t expect it to be that big, but my mouth was full. Looking at it now, Dae-ryong picked up one tteokgalbi and ate several bites at a time.


    Lim Dae-han was staring at me from the top of Dae-ryong’s head. My face stiffened as soon as my gaze met Dae- han’s. I didn’t mean to, yet I did it unknowingly.


    Lim Dae-han tilted his head. When he touched Dae-ryong’s head, Dae-ryong raised his eyes and smiled. Lim Dae-han feigned not to see for a moment before raising his gaze upwards and grabbing the spoon Dae-ryong was holding.


    “Ki Young-hyun.”


    “…Yeah.”


    “Let’s eat and talk.”


    Nod, nod. I nodded instead of responding, and Lim Dae-han scooped up his rice.


    ***


    “…”


    “…”


    I didn’t like dating advice shows, but every now and then, I saw a story on TV about a lover who was dissatisfied because he didn’t express his dissatisfaction. If that was the case, why were you dating in the first place? I used to think like that, but I had no idea I’d become one of them.


    Dae-han and I sat on the floor, looking out into the backyard. Dae-ryong went downstairs. I had nowhere else to look, so I focused on the bamboo in the backyard corner. I’d never seen bamboo planted in a typical house before, but it was understandable given that it was Dae- han’s.


    Lim Dae-han sat on the floor and looked straight ahead with his head tilted. I bit my lips as I was both awkward and shy.


    “That…”


    Dae-han spoke up shortly after. I sat quietly waiting for Dae-han to say something.


    “I didn’t mean not to tell you.”


    “…”


    “Because you might not be interested.”


    “… What?”


    I asked back because I couldn’t understand what Lim Dae-han was saying.


    “I didn’t want to bother you.”


    Lim Dae-han spoke at a slower pace than normal. He also chooses suitable words to say. I lowered my gaze from the bamboo. I looked to the side and saw Lim Dae-han’s two hands about to grab my hand. Lim Dae-han grabbed and released my index finger.


    “The last time I asked, you said you would tell me later.”


    “Well. It’s nothing to worry about. You’re… already helping me with my studies.”


    It was difficult.


    I pressed my lips together, unsure how to handle the situation. Silence followed naturally. In fact, Dae-han’s word made some sense. It was difficult to explain, but I was an exam taker with only about a year remaining on the SAT, so it would be a bit taxing to just keep listening to other people’s stories before graduation, so he might have thought about that.


    Still…


    “Still, we are dating. Uh, I wish you had told me what you were thinking.”


    “…”


    “And it wasn’t the only time you were like this, so yeah, it was a little bit. You…”


    I slowly let out the memories of last night from my mind. You left me alone the last time your friends came. You also did not mention the trip. I didn’t know you were going to your parents’ place until I asked.


    I had no grudges. However, when the old memories began to flood my mind, I found myself talking continuously. Lim Dae-han, who had initially listened silently, trembled as the stories of the past came out one by one, and then lowered his head like a criminal.


    Not everyone had the same personality. Just as I didn’t tell Dae-han every story I had at home. For example, when I came from the trip last time, I didn’t tell Dae-han that my older brother had noticed the marks on my neck. Also, my older brother doesn’t like it when I spend a lot of time outside these days.


    I wasn’t sure if it was the same after all. But if I keep piling everything up like this, it might blow up someday.


    “Well, I wasn’t upset yesterday, but you asked if I was. It wasn’t good since I came across as petty. I wouldn’t be begging you to study with me instead of going to the job class if you told me from the start.”


    Actually, I don’t know. It was still complicated and I couldn’t come to a conclusion.


    I wanted to grow up with him, but I never thought to prioritize him. Just because I become a college student does not instantly make me an adult.


    But I didn’t tell Lim Dae-han about it until now. Then it was as if I was retrieving what I had just spoken.


    “I think I spoke too harshly yesterday. I’m sorry…”


    I scratched my head and apologized. Lim Dae-han exhaled deeply.


    “I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you.”


    “…”


    “But it’s my first time dating someone I like, so I don’t know what to do.”


    It wasn’t just Dae-han, so was I. It would have been nice to have a dating manual, but there was none. That being said, I couldn’t just do what I wanted just because I liked it so much.


    “… It’s difficult.”


    I muttered to myself. Dae-han’s gaze focused on me.


    “Are you angry?”


    He raised his head when asked. Dae-han’s expression was not good.


    “…”


    I shook my head without answering.


    “It’s just that I don’t know. It’s difficult…”


    “I’m sorry.”


    “No, you don’t have to apologize…”


    He lowered his gaze again. Lim Dae-han raised his hand and ruffled his short hair. He then tapped his hand on my thigh and extended it to me.


    “Hand.”


    “What?”


    “Let’s hold hands and make up.”


    I lowered my gaze to those callused fingers. I took a look at Dae-han’s face. Dae-han seems strangely tense. He grabbed my hand with his shaking hands. My hand was tightly grasped by his big hand. It was cozy and comfortable.


    I hope it remains this steady. In reality, I felt anxious since I didn’t know what would happen to people’s minds.


    Lim Dae-han, unaware of my thoughts, slowly drew his hand toward me. I got up to react because it appeared that he wanted me to sit next to him. I sat beside him without letting go of his hand.


    “… Give me a kiss.”


    You have a lot of demands. Nonetheless, I raised my head and briefly kissed Lim Dae-han’s cheeks and lips. Kiss, kiss, kiss.


    “From now on, you must tell everything without hiding anything. Because I’m fine…”


    Am I really fine? However, I pretended to be fine for the first time. I’ll be fine if I take good care of my heart. Even if he switched to a career class, it wouldn’t make much of a difference.


    “Okay.”


    Lim Dae-han fixed his palm and interlocked our fingers after answering calmly.


    “… You have to tell me without hiding anything.”


    Then he answered bluntly.


    “Okay.”


    Lim Dae-han laughed after he gave a brief response. I locked my gaze on the face of such Dae-han. Although we had reconciled, I felt strangely uneasy. I didn’t know why.